I Love Money 2 Recap – Episode 6 – Yes, Bitchassness

Raise your hand if you’re in a secret alliance!

Hilarious. And the other alliance still didn’t see it coming.

Just a brief recap before we resume:

That is the Entertainer’s alliance. I’m not sure that we knew that Frenchie was in it. In fact, screen shots from last week’s episode proved conflicting on this matter. Whatever, I guess that’s to be expected as everyone involved seems to be making this up as they go along. That’s so…lifelike of them.

Also important: the Entertainer doesn’t trust Tailor Made because he’s a snake with something up his sleeve.

See? Proof. Little does the Entertainer realize that snakes don’t have sleeves. The Entertainer gets positively evangelical regarding this point, warning Prancer against trusting Tailor Made, as he doesn’t even look in your eyes because he’s not a real man.

We know. He’s a snake. It’s established.

Meanwhile, Tailor Made whispers (or maybe hisses) some plotting with an alliance that keeps getting called secret, even though it seemed pretty damn obvious last week when Prancer eliminated Milf. Whatever. Can’t expect everyone to be as swift as we are. This is just their lives and all.

Ice seems confused at this suggestion from Tailor Made, even though it’s something that happens every week Becky’s team has lost (i.e. every week except last week and the first week). Again, can’t expect everyone to be as swift as we are.

Anyway, Tailor Made goes on to explain that if his team, the Gold Team, wins today’s challenge, there’s a good chance they can get Saaphyri or the Entertainer in the box, thanks to their allies on the Green Team. If Gold Team loses, however, they can get 20 Pack, Becky and Heat in the box. Either way, there’s a good chance that the Frank alliance will take a hit. Is your head swimming yet? Suddenly I don’t feel so swift anymore between the team shake-ups and the cross-team alliances. I seriously cannot wait till this s*** is every man for himself.

Meanwhile, there’s this…

Becky likes touching his body, but says she hasn’t given him the booty yet because she needs him to keep her around. That’s like the non-slutty way of using your body to get what you want. Buckwild is the anti-whore and for that, I love her.

Talking Craig tells them to get ready to fly. It sulks because he lost his baby wings and his big-boy wings haven’t come in yet. Ice and the Entertainer are chosen as captains. The teams arrive at a field to this:

It’s the Chicken-A-Pult all over again. Seriously, there’s no administrative difference between this rendition and last season’s. The nice way to say this, as I did last week, is that it isn’t the show repeating itself; it’s a knowing reference. The reality is that a bunch of producers were probably like, “Well, we still have that equipment.” That includes the chickens. VH1 is mad cheap!

Craig tells the teams to sort themselves into builders and catchers. On Green, It, Saaphyri and Myammee will build, while Cali, Frenchie and Frank will catch. As for Gold, Ice announces that the builders are on the bottom, and the catchers are on the top.

You don’t find a lot of catchers who top. In some circles, that’s considered an oxymoron.

And speaking of morons…well, that’s sort of what you’re inherently speaking about when you talk about this show, right? It has a hard time with the building of the catapult, while Ice, too, is confused.

Gold gets their chicken-a-pult up first but it’s far from running. It’s kind of just spitting up and oozing out chickens. They’re not going nearly far enough to be caught by those standing yards away. Heat and 20 Pack share a despondent cuddle.

In the meantime, the Green Team has gotten theirs up and they aren’t experiencing anything close to the structural difficulties that Gold is.

Frank easily catches two that are launched. Meanwhile, over on Gold…

…wah waaaaah.

Angelique recaps the proceedings thusly:

She should consider becoming a full-time sports commentator. She’s just as coherent as anyone on ESPN and, hey, her boobs are bigger. Total bonus.

The third chicken slams into Frank, and he complains about potentially broken ribs.

But he soldiers on, easily catching two more. Meanwhile, the Gold has caught none. In a display of arrogance, Frank takes his time delivering the last chicken to the table, at one point cradling it like a baby.

He finally delivers it and his team rejoices.

Without Heather and 12 Pack dry humping on it, that table looks empty.

Prancer interviews that she’s caught between two alliances, which: really? I thought the fact taht she eliminated Milf showed what side she was on, clear message sent and all that?

Ice and Tailor Made plot before going into the vault. Instead of announcing their secret alliance, Ice is going to keep it covert…

And that’s what happens. She polls everyone on who they want to let go and the ones who get the most votes (four from Ice, Tailor Made, Prancer and Bonez) are the ones on the old Frank alliance: Becky, Heat and 20 Pack. At last, everyone’s up to speed.

I mean, they’re still on the short bus, but at least they’re up to speed. The other team is shocked, frankly shocked, when the find out who’s been voted in the box.

Well, some of them, at least. In a slight rewriting of a reality cliche, Myammee announces, “Karma is such a big bitch now.” Except she kinda says “karmar.” Add the extra “r” for “reality TV” as “karma” doesn’t work as it’s often described as, anyway. In fact from now on reality show “karma” is going to be called “karmar” in these parts. Thanks for the idea and mispronunciation, Myammee!

Meanwhile, It still doesn’t get what happened even after the vault session has adjourned.

And even after Buckwild explains it to him, he still doesn’t seem to get it: he reflects on the situation by saying, “Tailor Made became Tailor Mandela.” Yeah, exactly. He divided the house further to serve his own selfish interest: sounds like a global hero to me!

Buckwild, meanwhile, rants at Mandela, calling him out for bitchassness and proclaiming that she will throw every challenge from now on.

And, really, if he’s a bitchass for organizing a reactionary alliance, what does that make her? She practically birthed the idea of forming an alliance this season! She’s a purveyor of bitchwombness.

Not that she sees it that way, as she continues to rant and gesticulate wildly.

Sorry. Gesticulate Buckwildly. “Eat it! Take yo cake and eat it, ’cause you just sliced yourself off a piece that you can’t finish!” That’s a lot of cliches and some of them aren’t even said properly. This must be karmar’s revenge.

Becky cries, while Heat kicks things…

He, too, announces that from now on, he’s throwing every challenge. The Entertainer tells him to shut up about that to just throw them but put on the appearance of actually trying.

The Entertainer makes so much sense that in this context, it reads as nonsense. Surely, no one’s going to actually follow his advice, anyway.

To prepare for the Power Outing, Heat and 20 Pack get bombed.

With good reason: they’re on the chopping block. The Entertainer explains that Becky’s safe because he needs someone to spoon with.

Or maybe he’s still feeling rib pain. From that screen shot, it’s hard to say. And what is vague attraction, anyway, but psychic rib pain?

During the Power Outing, Heat and 20 Pack are in a bad way…

The Entertainer wonders if they’ve ever considered the possibility that their defective catapult was a result of the members of their team in the formerly secret alliance throwing the game. We see a hypothesis on the part of the producers…

It’s certainly possible, especially the dupes part. Aren’t they all dupes, really? Heat would tend to agree, as he says his team as “betrayeded” him. You read that right.

And though Frank’s like, “beyrayded?” Heat continues to use it. He says, “By my new team, I feel betrayeded. There’s three scumbags and one snake. And they all start with S’s.” He is extremely observant of…himself. Anyway, when it’s time for the one-on-one, Frank picks Heat. I like to think it’s to treat us to yet another utterance of “betrayded” (“I haven’t betrayded you!”), but maybe that’s giving Frank too much credit. At one point, Heat proclaims, “I’m not a fast learner, but goddamn it…”

It’s amazing that an unfinished thought can be an understatement. Such is the linguistic charm of Heat.

After the Power Outing, Frank meets with his team and says that he’s leaving the decision up to them.

Heat and 20 Pack will be allowed to plead their cases. Heat says, “Nev…never ever thought I can be in this situation. But I knew one day it was gonna come.” He never thought it, yet he knew it. Ah, inadvertent omniscience. Heat’s not a woman. Heat’s not a man. He is something that you’ll never understand.

He then uses the non-word “consensed.” Watching Heat plead his case is like watching a greenhead try to fly after its wings have been pulled off.

For 20 Pack’s part…

To plead his case, 20 Pack merely cries. This is what they call bitchtearductness.

Elimilation!

Craig brings up the possibility of members of the Gold Team throwing the challenge, but Prancer denies it. You can’t really trust reindeer, though. They will stomp your ass out and stick you for your carrots as soon as your back is turned.

The Entertainer calls up Becky to receive the first check. No shock there, but the extended tongue kiss they share…

…proves to disturb some people.

Oh yeah, because making out with New York and Flav, respectively, are so much less disgusting.

Frank then calls up 20 Pack who soon drops to his knees…

…so you know, he’s willing to do whatever it takes to stay in the competition. He doesn’t have to. The Enteratiner asks his team what he should do and they advise him to give 20 his check.

20 then spits on the ground before his team and shrieks that he gave them his all.

Betraydedness hurts everybody it affects. It’s like second-hand smoke or ringworm.

What follows is basically a temper tantrum on Heat’s part.

The Entertainer interviews that he should get a Purple Heart or two for his service, but I say this performance is straight up Cable Ace Award-worthy. Heat wails and says that this hurts. After an embrace with the Entertainer…

…Heat says, “We didn’t come here as friends, but goddamn it, I made a real friendship with you! I respect you, man!” It’s a beautiful thing when you aren’t there to make friends, but can’t help doing so. Heat’s now former alliance gathers round to console him.

He asks that they make sure the other alliance burns. “Burn! Burn! Burn!” he says like a Puritan at a witch trial. And then, in a ranty interview, the Entertainer does just that…