In this episode, the girls are reunited with their exes, Beverly’s reunited with feelings of inadequacy and Bret is reunited with his previous rock of love and first runner-up. But the most important reunion of all?
Heather and the pole. OMG, it’s so beautiful I might start crying!
When we open, the question that’s burned my head and loins all week is at last answered: how will Ashley deal with the loss of her BFF, Farrah?
She waits with hand on silicone to find out the results of last week’s elimination.
And then Taya comes walking out, and her response is, “Oh, god!”
And then, Ashley does the unthinkable: she cries actual human tears.
I sort of expected a thick, milky substance or perhaps lube to spring from her ducts in this event, but nope: actual human tears. First we find out that Ashley has a kid, and then we find out that she can cry. What’s next, finding out that Brittanya can read?
Yes. That is, in fact, exactly what’s next. Wonder of wonders! Brittanya announces to the group that they’ll be going to St. Augustine, Fla., where they’ll look back to the past. Or, you know, look back as well as their alcohol-impaired memories will allow.
Once in some holding room, Taya points out that the pillow she’s holding is the same electric blue of Beverly’s hair. Ashley pipes up with…
…”This is the most boring conversation that I’ve ever had,” even though she didn’t seem to be having it. Whatever. Beverly asks Ash what she’d prefer to talk about and her response is, “I’d rather sit here in silence, to be honest with you.” And if there’s any doubt that Ashley is HBIC, let it dissipate with the fact that that’s exactly what they do.
Finally, they’re led to Bret.
He explains that today’s exercise will be “for you to help me help you get to know me.” The only thing about that that makes sense is that in the end, it’s about Bret. Anyway, today is exes day. Bret introduces his former rock of love Ambre…
…and the woman who should have been his first rock of love (though if that turned out to be the case, it’s doubtful that any further seasons would have been necessary, at least according to some people), Heather…
“Hi, Bret Mike!” says Heather as she walks out. Oh, Heather. You’ve lost none of your linguistic flair in the months you’ve been absent from my TV! It’s a shame Farrah’s not around anymore to compare notes. And really this is just a preview for what’s about to go down: Heather’s softer and more likable here than she has been in a few series. Ah, the redemption found in guest appearances. Only on reality TV, kids. Only on reality TV.
All things being equal (or, at least, aspiring to the appearance of equality), the girls’ exes are paraded out.
There’s Mindy’s ex, Chris:
Taya’s former dude, Jaz:
Ashley’s baby daddy, the gangstalicious (and yeah, I really do mean the “licious,” probably even more than the “gangsta”) James:
There’s Brittanya’s former (and future?) booty call, Royal T:
Does the T stand for “tool” perhaps? Find out in a minute!
There’s Jamie’s “friend” Hamboussi:
And for Beverly, there is no one:
Bret explains that Bev’s ex-husband declined the invite he was sent. This is incredibly distressing to her for reasons never fully uncovered. She gets so theatrical about navigating the exes episode all by her lonesome that it all seems to fall into some weird cosmic order: at the end of the day, the cheese stands alone.
Anyway! Heather and Ambre mingle with the exes, while the girls hang with Bret in a separate location.
Ambre quizzes Chris on his continued association with Mindy. Royal T jumps in, proclaiming…
It takes a f***er to know a f***er, because Royal T is, in fact, projecting. He says that he and Brittanya still hook up and that the last time they did it was right before she came on the show. Wow, so not only was Brittanya not saving herself for Bret, she didn’t even go through a cleansing period before boarding Rock of Love Bus? Scandal! I hope at least she lit some incense and had her way with a Wet Wipe before coming on. Royal T says that Brittanya is a freak and wonders if Bret has been lucky enough to bang her yet. He says he’s mad that Bret’s stealing his hook-up. Yeah, he really seems really plagued by it. I’ve seen condoms more broken up after sex than this dude.
Ambre and Heather uncover more dirt. Taya is the only of Jaz’s exes that he doesn’t want to strangle. You know what that means, Jaz? It’s not them, it’s you. Hamboussi is not Jamie’s ex; they’ve never made love or even had sex. He implies that she’s just a groupie. If that’s the case and she’s not banging him, she’s not really doing her job as a groupie. Someone report her to the Better Business Bureau. James proclaims that he and Ashley “still f***” and that now that he’s here, she’s not going to want Bret anymore. “Nobody can pull my bitch!” he explains. After those sweet nothings, you can totally see why.
Meanwhile, Ashley indeed seems to be carrying a torch of her own, and in a shocking twist, it isn’t for the sake of burning other bitches. Between freakouts about being called out for some as-yet-undisclosed personal detail that James’ presence promises to expose, Ashley interviews that James is her son’s father and the love of her life.
You know this is true, because she has the t**ty tattoo to prove it:
It’s kind of amazing that she’s made no effort to cover it up as she’s competed for another man throughout this show’s run. Maybe she figures her other boob is a little lonely and in need of a name for itself. Maybe she plans on filling them both up. So many men, so few boobs.
Meanwhile, Beverly’s staging her own freakout, ranting about her ex’s failure to show up.
Taya, who truly goes beyond the call of duty this week where empathy is concerned, attempts to calm Beverly down. “Put your hands in my hands,” she tells Bev.
“No! I don’t want to put my hands in your hands, Taya!” is Bev’s retort. While I admire Taya’s kindness, I understand Bev’s response. She’s not there to hold hands! And say Taya’s hands feel like raw chicken. Then what?
And, really, the whole thing is kind of strange, as lucidly illustrated by Bret, of all people. “If that was me and my ex didn’t show up I’d be like, cha-ching!” he interviews. And seriously, Beverly’s off the hook this episode and all she can think of how fabulous it would feel to be punctured in the small of her back. Masochist!
Anyway, the interrogation begins and the TV-court enthusiast in me loves the way it’s packaged:
God, what I wouldn’t give to watch Judge Judy tear into each and every one of the people who’ve participated in these shows. Guys, if work dries up, Judge Judy pays a nice per diem. Perhaps there is life after reality TV, after all.
Anyway, first up are Jamie and Hamboussi:
Jamie admits that Hamboussi was in a band that she liked, but balks at his suggestion that she moved to Brooklyn to be closer to them. Hamboussi breaks out the tidbit, “She does a little something for everybody in the band.” Hmmm, perhaps she’s doing her job after all, and it’s Hamboussi who’s deficient. When asked if she would date Bret if he weren’t in a band, she kind of waffles. I mean would anyone on this show? I doubt women would be lining up to spend over a month on a bus for Normal Person of Love, you know?
In the holding area, there’s more Ashley freakout. She says she wants to go home. Taya says that if Ashley tells the truth, everything will be fine. Taya cares, OK? She really cares. Beverly chastises Ashley with, “You have somebody that showed up here for you. Just stop!” Ah, when one-woman soap operas collide. Ashely hits back with, “…who I live with, dumb ass.” Oh crap! Notes of Daisy sans arm-flailing pop up in the air as Ashley lay cold and ashamed, bound and broken on the floor.
And you know, if there’s one thing that this particular group of girls taught me, it’s that flipping on and off the lesbian thing really is that easy.
Ashley will have plenty more time to squirm and/or muff dive, as Taya and Jaz are up next.
Taya introduces herself to Ambre and Heather as a 29-year-old centerfold model and featured burlesque dancer with a 9-year-old. Pick through the crap at your leisure. Or just have Heather do it for you: she takes issue with Taya saying that what she does is not stripping. Heather points out that even if you’re featuring, you’re still stripping. And this is one matter that Heather has expert knowledge of.
Don’t bulls*** a bullstripper, OK? Heather asks Taya about all the women who thinks she’s knocked strippers and dancers. Jaz thinks that this is a load of crap and would like to meet said women. If you came a few weeks ago, I could have introduced you to a busload of them, buddy.
Jaz gets real ranty and aggressive, at one point saying, “Where’s the dishonesty and distrust of what I’m sayin’? With your stapled-ass extensions on your head?”
It’s hard to tell whose head he’s referring to, as it really could be either Ambre or Heather. Regardless, Jaz seems like a tool. He should go by Jazzy T and front a Soul II Soul-type duo with Royal T. Frankly, I miss that early ’90s sound.
It all ends with Heather rightfully flipping him off:
Good show, good show.
Speaking of Royal T, he and Brittanya are next:
They talk about their eff-buddy status. Brittanya says it’s been a year since they did it, and Royal T agrees that it’s been a while, which obviously contradicts with what he just told Ambre. Bret, who’s watching on a closed-circuit TV, remarks, “Ah, lies made baby Jesus cry.” Did he just call himself Jesus?
This disagreement, to put it civilly and thus inaccurately (but whatever), escalates. Heather yells at Royal T for telling her that he could f*** Brittanya whenever he wanted.
Even though Heather would seem to be defending Brittanya’s reputation against a dude whose argument amounts to Brittanya’s looseness, Brittanya gets all pissed off at Heather, saying, “You don’t know what the f*** you’re talking about, bitch!” Ah, birds of a projector flock together, as it is clear that Brittanya is, in fact, the one who doesn’t know what the f*** she’s talking about, bitch. She wasn’t there for that conversation. But a little truth like that isn’t gonna keep her from getting violent!
She gets up in Heather’s face and rants until the easily triggered reality veteran springs to her feet. That’s when Brittanya throws a punch…
…which Ambre and Heather both catch. Like, seriously? Of all the things that were supposed to happen, surely that isn’t it. Being dammed, as it were, Brittanya has no choice but to let the vileness flow out of her mouth in the form of spit:
It’s not often that Heather Chadwell emerges from a televised confrontation looking like the classier party. In fact, I’m not sure that it’s ever happened until now. Congratulations, Brittanya on achieving what used to seem impossible! For your next trick, go and spin the finest extensions Europe has to offer into gold! That should be an easy one compared to what you just did!
Next up is solo Beverly…
Beverly gives us some insight into her life: her ex-husband has custody of her three kids. She was married to him for 9 years and had her first kid at 17. That’s a busload of living she did before she even boarded this here bus. Ambre, having dated Bret for 10 months, wonders if Beverly can really hang with his lifestyle. From this entire ordeal, Bret draws the conclusion that Beverly has “serious issues.” So does everyone! Saying that regarding one of these girls is like saying, “She has breast implants.”
Next up is Mindy and Chris:
Chris alleges that they broke up because of Mindy’s infidelity. In her defense, she says that she wasn’t ready for a relationship and the worst year of her life was the one in which they were together. She was unhappy and didn’t love herself so she wasn’t able to give love, but now she’s much better. As we’ve all seen.
Finally, there is Ashley and James…
Ashley refers to James as her “B.F…F.” and it’s all downhill from there. It quickly comes out that they still live together. Ashley says they don’t do it anymore, but James claims, “We f*** all the time.” Charming! He still loves her, and she loves him as the father of her child. He’s here to take her back because, as we now all know, “Nobody can pull my bitch.” Except, it would seem that Bret already has. Who’s the bitch now?
Bret meets with Ambre and Heather to recap their findings. Is Jamie a groupie? Beverly’s tough and strong, but is she going through a second childhood after being thrust into an early adulthood? Ashley was difficult and there’s something possibly going on with James (gee, you don’t say!). Heather thinks Brittanya is hot, but, you know, vile, while Ambre has not a single nice thing to say about her. Taya is honest and poised. Mindy, Heather explains, is, “the best, the nicest, the most good-hearted and person from the Midwest that you have here.” I love that Heather’s effectively saying that Mindy is so Midwest and she means it as a compliment. That’s novel. But the big question is: can Mindy hang with the rocks-star lifestyle? Regardless, Ambre and Heather like her the most.
Elimination looms, but just before, Ashley stops by Bret’s room for a chat.
She looks to the sky and says that she feels stupid. Just now she’s feeling that? She admits that she lives with James but that it’s a roommate situation. Bret’s heard this before! And it didn’t matter then! But now it does.
Mindy, for being the vets’ fav, gets the first pass. Jamie is called second, despite her groupie tendencies. “Groupies don’t suck,” says Bret. OK, so maybe I’m the one who doesn’t understand groupies’ function. I could have sworn that sucking was at, like, the top of their job description. When Taya’s called, she’s extremely dramatic, prompting suppressed guffaws from Brittanya and Ashley.
With pride not unlike that of the Land O’ Lakes girl, Taya vows to continue to rock Bret’s world:
Those tears aren’t milky or lubey, they’re buttery.
That leaves Beverly, Brittanya and Ashley. Despite Beverly’s difficulty dealing with rejection from her ex, Bret’s willing to keep her around if she’s up for it. She is. Next called up is Brittanya. For spitting and punching, she must leave the tour. Brittanya weeps in response.
She tells Bret that he’s great and he shouldn’t change. That’s awfully yearbook-y of her and it’s not like Bret would change even if he could anyway, but whatever. At least she didn’t knock the goodbye out of him.
Bret then calls up Ashley, who’s crying again.
He tells her he has her pass as long as her heart is here and ready to fall in love. She sniffles in response. That’s what Bret though. She’s going home.
Ashley’s exit interview is mostly silent, as she is amazed that she’s being sent home before other girls that she thinks aren’t as hot as she is.
She finally adds that she’s not sad to leave the other girls behind, explaining, “Seriously, they talked about cereal for three hours yesterday. Are you kidding me?” And now it’s fully clear that her gain is our loss.