In a case of projecting emotional immaturity where we see it, every week, we’ll round up the high points and low, the successes and failures, the embarrassments and triumphs of every new Tough Love episode high-school yearbook style. Our roundup of the first episode’s key moments is below…
As the head matchmaker in charge (heretofore known as the HMIC) Steve Ward says, you only get one chance to make a first impression. So, we begin with our superlative take on the ladies who populate the show:
Most Likely To Play MASH – Jacklyn
“I’ve already planned out my wedding dress,” says the 22-year-old, who plans to be married by 25. And the thing is…
…she ain’t lying. May she live in a mansion in Hawaii with a movie star happily ever after this show ends!
Most Likely To Have a Walk-In Closet - Jody
She’s been a bridesmaid 18 times! The biggest problem with that is storing all those dresses that you only wear once…
Most Likely To Have Gotten Lost On the Way To the Rock of Love Auditions – Arian
Need we say more?
OK, then, she goes lingerie-as-outerwear shopping…
…on Hollywood Blvd…
And as if her taste weren’t impeccable enough, she also says she’d bang Steve…
It usually takes a whole season, but after watching Arian for 30 seconds, we knew we’d found our rock of love.
Least Likely to Be Ignored - Jessa
OK, so she isn’t exactly Glenn Close, but over-texting is a crime almost as heinous as boiling bunnies.
Most Likely to Own a Tool Box - Natasha
This one’s big on fixing-upping. That may be too smothering for some men, but I can’t help admire her ultimate snubbing of traditional gender roles.
Most Likely To Castrate - Stasha
With the charm of an ice-pick, this Russian import says that she has no problem telling a guy that he’s gained weight or that he’s lacking in the penis department. Intimidate much, Stasha?
Most Likely To Begin a Story about Herself With “Once Upon a Time…” - Abiola
The storybook (sorry, goddess dream book) says everything that the tiara doesn’t…
Most Likely To Sleep With a Piggy Bank Under Her Arm – Taylor
She’s cuddly like that, you know?
Most Humiliating Moment – When the girls had to parade in front of a panel of judges
Make that average-looking-at-best judges…
Like, really? Who are they to evaluate? Props to Stasha for getting her runway on and making the best of a bad situation, though.
Biggest Surprise - That the most humiliating moment was, in fact, justified (maybe)
Exposing the fact that Taylor wouldn’t date a guy who was 5’7″, Steve proved (or at least implied) that the women who had just been superficially evaluated have it in them to be just as superficial. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander — almost literally in this case, save the beaks.
Least Likely To Do Well in France - Taylor
Not only does she not know how to work a bidet, leading to a seemingly unsanitary spritz, she also doesn’t know what a bidet is in the first place. “It coulda been a water fountain, for all I know,” she interviewed. Coulda/woulda/please don’t ever drink from a bidet-da.
Least Likley To Be Here To Make Friends - Taylor
Every reality show’s got one: after the most minor of feedback, she told Jody that she was ugly and to shut up. So this will be a journey for Taylor and her capacity for tolerance, then?
Most Improved – Abiola
She went from stressing about 15 lbs., she recently put on to exuding confidence during the mixer. Keep it up, girl!
Least Improved - Jacklyn
After getting her hair chopped and her heavily made-up face wiped, she complained during the mixer…about her improvements! She gets least-improved just for that, when in fact the makeover was entirely flattering.
And finally, speaking of those makeovers…
Most Likely To Be a Big Softie - Steve
Before the girls’ makeovers, the Tough guy bared his heart by saying, “No matter what, you guys are gonna look beautiful.” Once the makeovers were underway, he tended to each girl, something like Tyra Banks, just without the weave and bitchassness. Awwww, he cares. He really cares!