…at least, we’ll always have rock hands!
Beverly opens the show by summing up the irony of her situation and this season in general…
She explains that Ashley and Farrah had been on her ass to be sexier, but they’re now gone and she’s still here. It’s true — what used to be salacious is now salace-less, since the remaining girls are all brunette (ack!) and relatively subdued (FLRBBBBB!). America’s loss is Beverly’s gain, for at least now she can wear the boots that earned her nickname without worrying about making anyone feel insecure.
But things have fallen off so much that the wildest thing within the group at this point is the velocity at which Taya’s lips move. We see a montage of her going on and on about nothing! Absolutely nothing! Like, hampers-and-How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days nothing. The best quote is, “Where would Miss America be without the curlers?” That’s so true, I don’t want to even think about the answer! Everyone is annoyed by Taya and her motormouth, but I kinda like this new turn for her as a crazy lady. With any luck, by the end of her run, she’ll be wearing Edie Beale-style head coverings and tossing cats around. Go ahead, Taya, make that a reality star trend!
The girls bus to the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando. They settle in and it all seems light and vaguely annoying until Mindy starts weeping.
It sounds like she says, “It’s upsetting how the heart can get broken!” So she’s heartbroken over the concept of heartbreak? To call this woman “emotionally complex” would be an understatement. Who knew feelings could be so meta? Mindy ends her emotional display by saying, “I’m scared.” So are we all, but it doesn’t stop us from tuning in. Buck up and soldier through, Mindy! Taya interviews that her heart really goes out to Mindy, and we can really tell as we see a shot of Taya twisting her hair and staring off nonchalantly. She advises Mindy to keep being who she is. Mindy’s done that, and guess what? She’s still single! Well, Mindy, if you don’t end up winning Bret’s heart, there’s always Tough Love! That’s something to look forward to, right?
Big John comes in with today’s challenge information and material: the girls are to write the title, verse and chorus to a song instrumental provided by Bret. At last: another songwriting challenge! It’s been so long! Having non-musicians write and perform music is such cheap, easy entertainment that I wonder why it’s taken this long to return to it. In fact, I wonder why there isn’t a show called Non-Musicians Writing and Performing Music of Love, because it would be amazing.
Everyone gets to work, except for Mindy, who informs us that she can’t sing a lick. That’s her first problem. Guitars lick, Mindy. Ladies coo. She struggles openly, repeatedly ranting, “I cannot sing!” and telling Taya that her situation is hopeless because she only has one sentence and she can’t sing it to the music.
Taya thinks if you have a sentence, you can sing it to music. In related news, Taya has never read James Joyce.
Mindy seems close to forfeit…
…but then once on the bus on the way to meeting Bret, she closes her eyes and thinks of what she wants to say to Bret via song. Everything clicks and the result is something called “On My Way To Loving You.” If ever a song called out for a parenthetical in its title, it’s this one: “On My Way To Loving You (By Bus).” Nothing goes without saying on this show! Nothing! Mindy interviews that she might have a song at this point, but she still can’t sing. In related news, I wonder if Mindy can sing.
They meet Bret at what looks like a small concert venue. Bret says that he wants to introduce the girls “to my good friend, Pete Evick.” And then we see a graphic…
…doing just that. It’s not just that nothing goes without saying on this show; nothing goes without repeating. And in the spirit of that, here’s an update: Mindy cannot sing.
Bret explains that the winner of this songwriting challenge will win an “unbelievably awesome” date to Bret’s gig in Texas that night. Even though I miss hearing him say “insanely awesome” all the time, I see what he’s doing with the adverb, changing it up and whatnot. I appreciate the effort.
Beverly is the first to perform.
Her song seems particularly polished. It includes the wonderfully autobiographical line:
And what a journey it’s been!
Next up is Jamie, who also can’t really sing but who obviously isn’t going to dwell on it.
Her song is to this decade what Britney Spears’ “Email My Heart” was to the ’90s. Crucial, crucial material. There’s a reference to Bret’s blue eyes that he seems particularly flattered by.
Sometimes, I get the feeling with Bret that any old ego stroke will do. Rock stars are such simple creatures! Jamie resolves to just shake her butt and hope that gets her through. It won’t, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t appreciated!
When Taya’s called up, Jamie now back at her seat, says, “I look better,” and shoots a few looks.
Something tells me that Jamie’s been underused on this show up to this point.
Taya’s song is the fabulously titled…
It’s funny because that’s the exact phrase she said to Farrah after Farrah asked her if she was a stripper. Taya’s song does not end, “And we all feature-danced happily ever after,” but it should. Anyway, Taya can really sing. She’s even better than Beverly, as if that were possible! She’s so impressive that she causes Mindy to muse…
And it’s obviously a satirical riff on the constant questioning of Taya’s motivation. But don’t expect it to be taken lightly! Why take anything lightly when it can be the focus of overblown drama?
Finally, there is Mindy.
On stage next to Bret, she jumps up and down and says, “I just can’t sing!” And you know something? She’s right. Her song sounds like the work of Goofy. She stumbles and gets lost, which makes one of her lines…
…infinitely more appropriate.
When she’s done, Bret tells the girls that their lyrics were “surprisingly awesome.” He must have been reading his Adverb Booster before he arrived on set. He and Pete are going to deliberate on who is “the best vocalist slash lyricist slash performer slash confidence slash something or other.” If you consolidate, one of the things he’s looking for is who’s the best confidence. His adverbs are delightful, but his grammar is questionable. Oh well, can’t win ‘em all.
Anyway, they deliberate.
It’s not that exciting, I just wanted to include that screen shot.
And you know what else isn’t exciting? Mindy’s reveal of her music-promotion comment:
It really is just an exaggerated way of her expressing how impressed she was by Taya’s ability. Taya doesn’t see it that way and regarding her musical skill says, “I’m not gonna apologize for that!” ‘Atta girl, Taya. Mozart never apologized, either.
Bret calls the girls back in and reveals that he and Pete have selected Taya as the winner.
The girls are hilariously unexcited at this news. Taya herself notes the crickets that sounded upon the announcement. Bret adds that he has another seat on the jet and since this was sort of a tie, another girl will be going with them. She’ll be notified via a cell phone ringback tone. Taya goes on about how this is her date and this isn’t fair. Oh, Taya, stop being such a cricket.
Once on the bus, the girls make their calls and…
Beverly is the winner! She really did deserve it. No one else incorporated the word “skanks” and it’s so inherent to the experience.
Back in the hotel, preparing for their trip, Taya rants about Mindy.
In an interview, Beverly rants about Taya ranting about Mindy, who also rants a lot. Basically, everyone’s annoying. Not that you need me to tell you that! Beverly and Taya board the bus on the way to the jet and…
…Beverly’s really putting it all out there. She’s come such a long way since wearing motocross crap to her fake wedding with Bret. The Blontourage would be so proud!
Meanwhile, Jamie and Mindy are bored with nothing to do in their hotel room. Since idle hands are the devil’s tools, Jamie dreams up the idea to create some smut for Bret: “Let’s get a camera and take slutty pictures of each other! But not slutty, like classy slutty.” If ever there were an ideal perpetuated by Rock of Love, surely it is “not slutty, like classy slutty.” Jamie, you have a real knack for summary.
Anyway, that’s what they do:
So, there’s that. And en route to the concert, there is disdain…
Taya massages Bret and Beverly is not amused. She is, however amused at the concert…
…but Taya, is in turn, not amused. These two are a regular yin and yang! Taya interviews, “This is supposed to be my one-on-one date, and bitch get out of my face with the rock hand.” I wish Beverly’s hands actually were made out of rocks. If there were to be another season of this, it would be awesome if it could be a collaboration between VH1 and TLC and Bret would have to choose from a pool of medical curios like people who grow bark on their skin and an of-age mermaid girl. Can you imagine the drama? We’re gonna need a bigger bus!
When the show is over, we see some footage of Bret meeting with his fans. He signs what appears to be a painting of himself…
Everything about that is confusing. He also meets with this woman:
He replies, “…and my hottest fan!” Aw, sweet. Sometimes you forget that he has it in him.
On the trip back to the jet, Beverly nonchalantly pulls two stuffed animals out of her bag.
“You have a monkey?” asks Bret. Has he ever seen anything ever? Like, did he just get his working eyes sent to him today? Beverly explains that these are bears and that she wants him to sign them for her two girls, but it’s not…
…except, it is. She also needs to find something for him to sign for her son, so he better not eliminate her before she can find one. Subtle! Way to get it all in before you go home, Bev!
Back at the hotel, there is some s***. I’m sorry, I know it’s stupid to use a word that I can’t and must censor, but there’s no other way for me to describe what goes down. It is some s***. It starts when Taya is in the bathroom and Mindy asks how their date was. Taya says she’ll talk about it when she gets ot of the shower. We then see Mindy, for no discernible reason, suggesting that they make scars on their faces with this “face putty”…
Taya comes in screaming about Mindy’s laughing. She knows Taya’s upset and she hasn’t asked her what’s wrong. Except, she kind of did. Taya goes into Mindy’s music-promotion comment again. I think Jamie stands for all of us when she silently responds to this with…
Again, Jamie’s summarizing skills are impeccable.
Mindy explains again that it was a joke. “I’m a jokester! I put meat in people’s shoes!” she says. Eh? What a perfect example of her comedic nature being hard to take as such. These people are really communicating effectively! In response, Taya says, “Whether it was joking or not, it was just a cruel, evil thing to say.” We’re gonna go to Bev for the reaction on this one:
Taya adds, “Then, when he announced the winner, you barely clapped for me!” I’ll clap for you, Taya. This performance deserves kudos.
And it doesn’t even end there! Taya explains the potentially destructive effect that Mindy’s conjecture may have on Beverly and Jamie. Will they think of her differently in 24 hours? Beverly says that she thinks differently of Taya today than she did before. Taya screams at her in response. They bicker about the date. Beverly shouldn’t have been there since Bret’s more into Taya. It ends with Taya saying, “You can kiss my f***ing ass!”
Taya’s a one-woman show of emotion this episode. She’s an entertainer, through and through.
The next morning, Bret “cooks” the girls’ breakfast.
He says that he’s been known to scramble an egg and wanted to do this for them. I wonder if “scramble an egg” is a euphemism. Whatever, it is now. Bret asks about what’s going on amongst the girls and they are tight-lipped…
…relatively speaking, at least. Taya says that she and the girls had a mature exchange. Bret asks her if it included the “F word.” Taya says it didn’t. Lies make little baby Bret cry!
After they eat, Bret takes Mindy aside.
He needs her to throw herself at him with abandon so that he can trample on her heart at some point. Oh wait, let me revise that: he needs to know if her heart is really in this. Mindy interviews that now’s a good time to throw Taya under the bus but she ends up just talking about her friendship issues with Taya. “Sometimes I just don’t know how to read her,” she explains. “Am I being played?” Note to Mindy: Bret likes girls who like girls as long as they like him more. I don’t know what your motivation is, but revise the appearances at least! It matters very little because soon Jamie walks in bearing gifts.
It’s the slutty/classy pictures they took while he was on his date! Weirdly, when Bret picks up Jamie’s, it’s blurred out.
Makes you wonder just how slutty/classy things got. The shot we see of the picture…
…isn’t X-rated, so what’s blurred is a mystery and will continue to be so since it’s time for…
…elimination. Taya’s hair is big enough to make you wonder if she’s here to promote Pert…
But you didn’t hear that from me!
Anyway, it goes very quickly. Taya gets the first pass, and then the second goes to Jamie. Does Mindy care more about Taya than Bret? Is Beverly too big of a fan? Yes, she is and she’s going home.
“If it was supposed to work, it would have regardless if I was an uberfan or not,” interviews Bev on her way out. Oh whatever. Who needs fate anyway, when you have a bunch of signed merch to bring home?