Before we tell you our favorite things about this episode…
…you’re gonna have to get through his big sis first! No boys allowed! (Except, not really.)
The first thing we loved about this episode is its main draw:
- Those lie-detector tests
How awesome is it to watch reality show contestants put on the spot and then be made to squirm? I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun since…the first season of Flavor of Love, actually. Not that this show is similar. Entirely different. No one said “Foofy” once!
And so, let’s round up what we learned from this exercise:
Unique’s “classy good-girl image” is a front (since she said it wasn’t, but that was detected as a lie), she’s here for exposure (ditto), she thinks she’s better than everyone else (but at least she’s forthcoming about it!) and she’s lied to Ray before (which she, of course, lied about not having done).
But, you know, at least she looked hot.
Cocktail has cheated, is worried about Unique as her competition (even though she lied that she wasn’t) and is a gold-digger.
At least she picked a guy with gold to dig! There has to be something to be said for honing skills, right?
Chardonnay is not here for Ray’s money, she will stop stripping someday, she doesn’t read (hard to say if this is a matter of circumstance or literacy), she would have sex with at least one of the other girls in the house and she drinks everyday but isn’t an alcoholic. After the test she proved the final point immediately by chugging a drink…
…but not peeing herself after. Triumphant!
And then, there was Danger.
Danger is still in love with one (more more) of her ex-boyfriends, she has dated for money, she’s bi (?), she’s been called unstable, she has never had a restraining order, but she has threatened or tried to physically harm an ex boyfriend. At this point, she broke down:
Oh, Danger, don’t worry. By now your mother’s heard much worse!
In the most shocking turn, she confirmed that she has had thoughts about killing one or more of her competitors. To that, Cocktail says…
…and to that, I say: most appropriate use of a side-eye ever.
Since the girls thought up these questions, when Danger rejoined the group, she told them, “You forgot, ‘Have you ever tried to kill yourself?!'” Since she basically just told us the answer, I get the feeling that she said this not out of sarcasm but genuine disappointment.
But at least it gave her her Oscar moment!
(And yeah, I know Oscars are given out for achievement in film and Emmys are given out for television, but, “At least it gave her her Fox Reality Award moment” didn’t exactly have the proper ring.)
Continuing on with the things we loved about this episode…
- Cocktail’s reaction to Danger breezing by her and sobbing, “Don’t talk to me! Just don’t talk to me!”
Not like she wanted to, anyway!
- Danger, in general
Her opening rant (after she’d told Cocktail not to talk to her), in which she called Unique a “grimy-ass bitch,” and said, “I just don’t like the bitch. She’s a whore. I hate her,” was one for the ages. Her questions for the girls?
Even more juvenile than the rant! And even more juvenile than the questions for the girls were her questions for Ray, especially, “Do you love me?” Who says that unless they’ve already been told it? And can you imagine what would have happened if he said no? Me neither, but I imagine it would have incorporated meat cleavers. Several of them.
Early in the episode, Danger said, “I have a different kinda mind than most people. I don’t know.” Way to not just hit the nail on the head; way to bash in the nail’s brains, girl.
- Ray’s feminism…eh?
And I quote: “When Cocktail said she needed a man to complete her, that kinda shocked me because I want a strong woman.” Anyone else shocked by this revelation?
- Ray’s soliloquy
What is that, Shakespeare?
But really: he’s 28 and just deliberating over this now? His childhood must have been fraught with confusion. It’s also slightly alarming that he decided to throw a dating competition in his name without having figured this out. Whatever. His show.
- Ray’s other best quote
“Lemme sip some of this s*** because I’m under pressure.”
Aw, there’s the joker we know and love. He’s much better in the realm of the practical than he with the philosophical (see above).
- This gif:
If you need a reason to mourn the elimination of Chardonnay, look no further. But you know, at least she went with a smile.
That really did make me feel better about everything.