Rock Of Love Bus Recap – Episode 11 – Nothing But The Funk

It’s kinda great when the season reaches its final stretches and everyone involved becomes unhinged.

And if they are topless in the process: even better!

And so, we are down to our final three, which means there’s only one episode left after this one, which means they’ll be traveling abroad next episode, which means the girls have to prepare to say goodbye to the bus…

Unless, of course, that bus has wings and will fly the final two to the finale destination. Taya interviews that she’s OK with saying goodbye to the bus because it never smelled right. So it’s super absorbent. Between that fact and the wings, it is clear that this bus is a mobile maxi pad. And it took me all season to realize it. Sometimes you don’t know even know the feminine hygiene product you have, even when it’s sitting right in front of you.

The girls arrive in Miami where Bret has left something “hot and amazing” for them waiting on their beds.

Bret interviews that, “If there’s one thing I love, it’s Carnival!” Well, that explains all the puppetry and marching he regularly engages in. Of course, the girls are supposed to wear these outfits.

This is fine with Jamie, who interviews, “It’s fun, it’s beady, it’s cheesy, it’s gaudy, I love it.” Clearly, her taste has led her to the right network. Taya, too, seems game for some dress-up, but Mindy starts freaking out because she’d never wear this stuff in a million years.

But you know once she turned a million, she’d be complaining that her body was no longer tight enough to pull off such an outfit. Never satisfied with the gaudy cheesy beadiness that we have: that’s human nature for ya.

When Mindy leaves the bathroom after whining, Taya makes the face you see at the top of this recap. It is extremely Celine Dion-esque.

I would love to dedicate this side-to-side comparison to all the parents and children of the world.

While Mindy mopes, Taya, who also has some Return of the Jedi Leia thrown in to what she’s got going on, helps Jamie into her outfit.

These women are very open with one another.

Oh crap! Taya’s black box just popped out! Don’t you hate it when that happens?

When the girls are outside to receive Bret, guess what Mindy does…

She complains! But actually…

…she does have a point.

A bebraided Bret joins the girls with his guitar. He wants Mindy to sing tonight. He explains to her that it’s not about the skill, but the emotion.

“It’s hard to have emotion when you’re wearing a crazy costume!” retorts Mindy. Gee, that’s funny, because it seems like the crazy costume is bringing her to emotional heights heretofore unscaled. Mindy decides that she’s going to change her outfit. As she’s walking back to the room, Bret verbally slaps her on the ass with, “Put a damn bikini bottom on for Christsakes! You’re in Miami.” The only thing that could make the sleaze underlying his statement more pronounced is if he then turned to Taya and asked her to pull his finger. You know she’d be like, “I am not some finger-puller by the airport! I’m a Vegas-style feature digit extender!” Bret also comments that Mindy has “gone mad” and interviews that she’s “Captain Buzzkill.” Sounds like a potential rock of love to me!

Mindy comes back wearing a sailor’s outfit…kind of:

I wonder if she has an array of sexy outfits based on costumes worn by the Village People. What I wouldn’t have given to see her in some hot pants and a full Indian headdress!

Once Admiral Partypooper is settled in, Bret surveys the girls about each other because he wants to stir up drama. Seriously. I mean, he’s putting on the appearance of, I don’t know, having his own best interest in mind, but it has the effect of pulling their necks back and exposing their respective jugulars.

He asks Jamie which girl she thinks should win if she were to be eliminated next. Jamie says she’s the best. Tyra would approve of that answer. But since she can’t pick herself, she goes with Mindy because she has nothing to promote. Taya answers that Mindy should be the one, as she’s portable. Mindy takes this as a backhanded compliment, as it implies that she has nothing going on in her life but Bret. Well, I mean, if you’re so against dressing up Mardi Gras style, how exciting could your life possibly be? Finally, Mindy chooses Jamie, as Jamie realizes that mistakes happen and that people have faults. Not to be overly defensive of Taya Dion, but she’s come up against people’s faults every step of the way, every roll of the bus tire. Mindy adds that Jamie’s fun, which: fair enough.

Now that that’s over, it’s time for Bret to leave, so he gives everyone a sponge bath with his tongue.

Everyone, that is, except for Mindy, who has walked away during the kissing ceremony. But then, once it’s all over and everyone’s bowed and said amen and lit incense, Mindy “realizes” that she “forgot” her “hat.”

Bret’s glad that Mindy came back out because she wasn’t being her usual self tonight. Mindy starts talking about how Taya isn’t the right girl for Bret and he interviews, “Good God, do we always gotta talk about Taya?” Really, if not for Taya, what would anyone talk about? Cereal? Mindy says, “I mean, I am the one person on this entire tour that has been her friend and I even question it.” This is supposed to be evidence of expertise, but really, it just makes Mindy seem like a crappy friend. Whatever, she’s not here to make friends. She’s here to win. And if by master-manipulating and throwing a previous ally under the bus is what needs to be done, it’s just the reality TV of the situation.

Whatever, though, Bret doesn’t want to talk about Taya so he turns the subject to Mindy’s sailor suit. Disappointingly, he does not work Cap’n Crunch into the conversation. Mindy starts yammering about the previous outfit not being her and goes on and on until Bret shuts her up by sticking his tongue in her mouth.

The gesture, it turns out, is not unwanted.

Seeing this flips Taya out. The dude wants to make out with another girl on his dating show? Imagine! Jamie attempts to shield Taya from the painful truth.

And then, Jamie shows her true awesomeness.

Taya gets on Jamie’s case for saying that Mindy should be the one to end up with Bret. Jamie says that she just said that because she knows that if it comes down to her and Mindy, she can beat Mindy. She says this with a straight face, but I imagine what’s going on in her head looks much like the picture above.

The next day, the girls get a note saying that Jamie and Taya will go on a date with Bret, and Mindy will stay behind in the hotel. Bret interviews, “I am hoping that this does not cause an avalanche of mood swings.” Remove “not” from that sentence and you have the actual truth.

Bret and the girls helicopter…

…to a gazebo, apparently.

Upon entering the gazebo, Bret says, “I want to make love to you two for hours. Or 10 minutes, whichever comes first.” At last, honesty.

The group lunches.

Taya takes the opportunity to reveal that Jamie choose strategically when she said last night that Mindy would be the better choice for Bret. Taya thinks this proves that Jamie is taking the show as a game. Even though it is one and it just means that Jamie’s attacking it without pretension. Naughty, naughty. Bret latches onto Taya’s sentiment and scolds Jamie by saying that he’s about to make a big decision and he requires honesty from his girls. And to that point, is Taya just being polite with her people-pleasing tendencies? Is she for real? She rolls with the punches, but maybe Bret doesn’t need someone who rolls. One thing’s for sure, though: he needs a girl that rocks.

That date’s over and the next day, they receive Bret Mail stating that Mindy and Jamie will attend today’s date. Taya interviews that something’s going on and says these girls are “lame.”

She attributes her use of the word to Farrah and Ashley. I’m sure they’re flattered.

Bret interviews that he’s taking Jamie along because he hasn’t really gotten to know her. He ain’t kidding: until, like, two episodes, I thought maybe she was a mime. Plus, she’s an insurance policy: if Mindy gets into a funk, she’ll be there to talk to. Like a good neighbor!

They board Bret’s bus for the date.

I’m sure that ass tap really helped Mindy on her way up.

Today, Bret, Mindy and Jamie will be going on the “swamp boat gator date.” This involves everything it would seem to.

We see footage of them cruising along and Bret says, “And you wonder why I’m single.” No I don’t. Like, not once in my life have I ever wondered that.

Bret takes the opportunity to make out with both of them in the open, swamp air.

Just like nature intended!

They find themselves a meal amongst the gators and bog smells.

Jamie asks Bret if he’s really serious about this whole thing. “What are you looking for?” he replies. I wish she would have said, “What are you looking for?” to answer the question that answered her question, but she does not. Damn it, Jamie! Now you messed everything up. She’s looking to date, by the way, not to marry.

The next subject on the table is “the Taya situation.” Good god, do we always gotta talk about Taya? Wait, why isn’t Bret asking that? Oh, because he is the one to bring it up, that’s why! Bret’s a real do-as-I-say-not-as-I-say kinda ruler. That must be frustrating. But not to these women! They gladly rip into Taya. Mindy thinks she’s calculating — the “Bret’s Girl” shirt she brought to the competition shows that she’s here to win. Jamie thinks Taya is crazy and “mental” and not 29 and still a stripper. Bret agrees that the way Taya represents herself is a little too good to be true.

Once the girls are home, Taya walks out on their deck and starts freaking out. As the wind whips her hair into an ’80s-style tussle, she shouts, “Oh my god! Mindy, it’s our favorite kind of weather!”

I’m sure that assessment stems from a previous conversation, but it’s kinda fun to think of Taya deciding what Mindy’s favorite kind of weather is for her. “You like thunder and prunes, now shut up about it!”

From the looks of it, Mindy doesn’t seem to care that she’s missing her favorite kind of weather. As Taya goes on and on about how the sky looks like a picture someone painted them and that they should come check out the water, Jamie and Mindy plot.

Jamie thinks it will throw Taya off her game if Mindy stops talking to her and just hangs out with Jamie. Those sound like the words of a lonely girl. There is pathos in every corner. It’s like Rock of Love 2 all over again!

Taya’s finally able to pull them outside to experience the glorious wind, and the divide is clear:

They sit down for a nice session of bickering. Mindy thinks Taya manipulated their situation so that Taya looks like the strong one and Mindy looks like the weak one. Mindy’s falling to pieces the minute she steps a toe outside of her comfort zone, obviously, had nothing to do with that. Taya thinks Mindy’s relationship with Bret is Mindy’s responsibility. Please. There’s no such thing as taking responsibility on reality TV. That would just ruin everything. Mindy thinks that Taya has been in an industry where she has to make people feel good and she’s gotten good at it. I hope she’s good at making herself feel good. Also, I’m sick of typing the word “good.” Jamie asks if Taya’s a stripper. Taya’s all, “NOW?”

Except her body language reads, “Meeee?” And you know, there may be a point to the distinction Taya strikes between herself and strippers, but she shouldn’t be shocked when people get it twisted. She acts like a cartographer who was just asked to perform open-heart surgery. Even if she had to explain it a million times, she can’t expect people to invest themselves in subtleties.

Bret scoops the girls up for a date.

It is somber with a dash of primness:

“Everyone likes salmon, right?’ asks Bret of his group, who responds with the same enthusiasm that they would were Taya to win a challenge. That is to say: none. Bret asks Taya what she did today while the rest of them were on their date. She did her nails. Sounds like a regular Nomi Malone! On Bret’s noticing of the crappy mood everyone’s in, Mindy wonders in an interview how she’s expected to be in a good mood when she’s on a date with Bret and two other girls. I wonder how Mindy expected anything else when she enrolled in a polygamist scenario.

Taya’s in a wish-I-was-on-the-date sort of funk. Bret soon adjourns dinner and has them all convene for drinks outside.

Bret scolds them for their unenthusiastic showing at dinner. He says that it was like eating with his in-laws and that if they have another meal like that, he’ll send all three of them home. What, like a day before the finale? Calling your bluff, Michaels!

In a self-described brutally honest turn, Bret says, “I don’t do good with funks.” He wants full disclosure on what bug crawled up the collective ass of the group and died. It’s not a bug: Mindy’s just in awe. The date is that great. Jamie is fine. Bret quizzes Taya on her much-discussed promotional motives. He wonders if being here is part of her business plan since this is the No. 1 show on VH1. It’s so rock-star of him to talk numbers like that. Anyway, Taya says that to the contrary, her bosses aren’t so happy that she’s there. She’s missing deadlines and they don’t want her to be there. Plausible!

Bret takes Jamie away so he can spend yet more time with her.

They have the exact same discussion that they did earlier about Bret’s seriousness versus Jamie’s seriousness. She just doesn’t want to settle down.

Meanwhile…

…Taya just wants someone who understands her. To Mindy’s credit, no amount of bad blood prevents her for comforting a (former?) friend in distress…

Mindy says she sees security in Taya. Taya says she doesn’t have insecurities, she has a 9-year-old. Because, obviously, when you’re a single mom of a burgeoning tween, it’s impossible to be insecure. She tells Mindy that she does have insecurities but they’re regarding stuff that Mindy knows nothing about.

Bret comes out carrying a guitar. He hears the girls bickering. Bret turns right around. Bret is smart.

During the just-mentioned exchange between Taya and Mindy, Taya says, “I’m 29 going on 129!” Somewhere right now, Farrah and Ashley are extremely pleased. Mindy ends up suggesting that they forget that they’re friends. That should be easy enough: just take the knife out of Taya’s back and plunge it into her hippocampus. Mindy interviews that for her, the other girls’ tour ends here. I thought you had to be wearing a bandanna and the finest extensions Europe has to offer to say that.

Elimination!

Bret goes through the last three girls who are not in the running towards becoming America’s Next Top Model. Jamie rolls with the punches and speaks the truth but she is not looking for a serious relationship. Taya knows a lot about Bret, which is good for his ego, but he can’t wrap his gut around whether or not she’s here for love. Maybe it’s gas that’s getting in the way? Finally, Mindy has true feelings but she gets in funks.

But who cares because Mindy’s called first. Is she here for real? Yes. She gets her pass and Bret sends her back up so that she can watch the live reality show. Bret says that this is the hardest decision he’s ever had to make. Always is! He calls Jamie down. He loves her innocence, but he doesn’t like that she doesn’t want to be his future ex-wife. She is going home.

Jamie’s exit interview is pretty great: “He dumped me on TV and that sucks but I’ll get over it and hope we can be friends. Hope we can hang out. Hope he’ll hook me up to some tickets for Poison.” Then she stumbles a little and says, “Whoa.” That seems extremely symbolic.

And so, Taya is staying.

Pretty impressive: not everyone could get a single tear to perfectly fall down her face like that. Clearly, she is here for the right reason.

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Rock of Love Bus show page
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