Master Matchmaker and VH1 Tough Love commander Steve Ward‘s blog commentary continues! Below, Steve talks about his controversial rape comment, Jody’s meltdown and Taylor’s upswing.
You said that Arian is going to end getting raped if she continues her behavior.
Yes.
There was some talk around the Internet that your mindset was not unlike that of those who blame victims for being raped.
Well, that just goes to show how naive people are. I wasn’t blaming anybody for anything. I was explaining to her that there are risks to her behavior. She seems to feel that there are no consequences to her behavior. Like nothing bad can happen from her being as raunchy and as inappropriate as she was. And I was trying to explain to her that when you do things like that you put yourself in harm’s way. And there are men out there that because they are f***ed up in the head, for whatever reasons, they may take it as some sort of an invite, or that you really want it or this or that. I mean why would you sit there and rub a guy’s d*** under a table? You don’t know who he is or where he is from or what he is about. And you know what, a couple of beers later he may go try to rub you and you might not like it and he is not gonna stop. That’s all I was trying to point out them. And that’s why there wasn’t backlash from the rest of the girls in the room, because they agreed with me.
The reality, though, is that Arian wasn’t going to get raped in this situation. You’re there, cameras are there, producers are there. I wonder if there’s any suspicion that she might be playing up the salaciousness for the sake of the show.
No, I believe that she does this in her daily life. She is truly like that. And she enjoys taking the risk and putting herself in that position. It is a very precarious situation. She doesn’t realize that there may be consequences. I’m not blaming the victim, but if the girl would act a little bit more appropriate, then I’m sure she wouldn’t be treated the way she is by men. If she walked around like a classy woman and treated herself with respect, she would command respect and men would respect her. With a personality like she has, why would anyone respect her? That was the point I was trying to make. She was trying to say that there were trust issues, and she doesn’t trust men. And of course, why should she trust men? Men don’t respect her.
The episode’s other major point was Jody’s freak out. What were your thoughts on that?
When I watched it, I thought, “Yeah, I guess Shane really did grill her.” But I do realize where he was coming from, and that is what my mom and I tried to explain to her. You got to understand something: these men didn’t know what the hell they were getting themselves into. They didn’t know they were going to a f***ing boot camp. I mean, they just thought that they would meet some women and go out on a few dates. They didn’t realize they were working with women that supposedly had issues. Until you started dating them. So here is Shane, he kind of caught on after the first date, and he realized what the production was about: that we’re working with women and we’re trying to fix them because there is something wrong with them. So he is trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with her. That’s all it was.
And the fact that she didn’t have to interpret his words that way made me wonder if she was taking the opportunity to freak out.
Yeah, she was looking for the attention. “Poor me!” There are four ways for people to control energy from others, and I learned this from James Redfield, so you can give him the credit. There are four control dramas: you either a “Poor me,” aloof, an intimidator, or an interrogator. Jody plays the poor-me card.
The football activity emphasized the importance of women integrate themselves in a guy’s world. I wonder if you would have that the other way if you were dealing with a bunch of men, to integrate them in a women’s oriented environment. It seems like society in general would frown on that. They’d want the girl to play football, but they wouldn’t want the guy to go the spa or out shopping.
Here is how the role reversal works: When women are fitting in among men, they have to be cool. It’s a test: how cool are you? Whereas, when men try to fit in among women it’s: how patient are you? How much can you tolerate? How much can you grin and bear? How much can you put up with? There are only so many bags that you can carry, there is only so many stores that you can walk into to, there are only so many times that you can try on a pair of shoes. For a man, it gets exhausting. So if we were to do the other way, it would simply be a duration test. How long can you hang there? How long can you go shopping with a group of women?
If that’s the case, you don’t think it’s important for a man to be able to “endure” that?
No, I just think he needs to be liked by them. He doesn’t need to go out shopping with them. He doesn’t need to go the baby showers with them. He doesn’t need to be going to Whole Foods and go grocery shopping with them. But if the girls come over for a glass of wine or if they come over to pre-game for an event or whatever, you have got to be likable.
What did you think of Stasha’s lack of participation?
I knew something was up. I thought it was lame. I tried to make a point about this on Twitter. Abiola clearly didn’t know anything about football. Nothing. Just as much, if not, less than Stasha. She made due. Stasha believes that everything is competitive. And if she doesn’t understand the rules of the game, she doesn’t believe that she can win. She’d rather not even participate, which has told me a lot about her.
It seems like there’s always someone who resists a given challenge or activity you present. It’s not always the same person, but it’s always someone.
Right, it’s called women. There is always one of them.
And then what did you think of Stasha’s reveal that she is in love, in a week and everything?
I thought my biggest challenge being there was going to have to teach her what love is. For her to come to me and tell me that she was already in love, it dumbfounded me.
Do you think she really believed that at the time?
Yeah, I think she did.
How about Jessa’s situation with Ryan. Did it disappoint you that she decided she was no longer into him?
No, it was very revealing. I mean look, you have to understand how matchmaking works. Whether you like the person or you hate the person, I can still learn something from the experience. And that was what I was grateful for. From that, I realized that the girl is a little bit more sexual than I may have given her credit for.
Your mom stepped in after Jody exploded. It was impressive how she was able to level with Jody and get through to her.
Well that’s what my mom does. My mom is incredible at helping women, in a different way. And men too, but often with women, ’cause women respect her. My mom has been happily married for more than 20 years, she raised three kids, they all graduated from college, she is a successful business woman. So Jody looks up to my Mom. My mom has everything that Jody always wanted, to an extent. And so coming from her, is a lot different than coming from me. Coming from me, it’s like “You don’t understand. You’re just siding with the man. Yadda, yadda.” Whereas, if it’s coming from my Mom it’s a whole different ball of wax.
Did you know specifically to bring her in for this, because her expertise would allow her to handle this situation in a way that maybe Jody wouldn’t accept from you?
Yeah. I always bring my Mom in for damage control. It’s great because people sometimes think that my ego is getting in the way or that I do things for my own edification. And I don’t. And so sometimes I need my mom, occasionally, to ratify me so that people realize that no, there really is an objective here.
I was surprised that you said that Jody handled herself like a lady.
I gave her that, because when she was on the date, he obviously struck a chord but she didn’t flip out on him. She didn’t do anything to disgrace herself.
Is there anything else that sticks out from this week’s episode to you?
I think Taylor really turned the corner. After her breakdown last week, I think it was pretty obvious that she needs to start looking at life a little differently and start realizing how she’s perceived by others. I think she’s at a point where she really wants to grow from the experience. I was really happy to see her do that. And as far as Natasha goes, I think she’s falling into that mode where she’s being overlooked. It’s kind of her thing.
Related content
VH1 Tough Love show page
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Tough Love » Watch Video
| Episode | Type | Title | Date |
|---|---|---|---|
| -- | Show Clips | Videos: VH1 Tough Love: Lessons in Love and Hottest Moments! | 5/20/09 |
| 108 | Full Episode | Videos: Season Finale | 5/04/09 |
| 108 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Finale Bonus Scenes | 5/03/09 |
| 108 | Show Clips | Videos: Finale Show Clips | 5/03/09 |
| 107 | Full Episode | Videos: Return of the Exes | 4/27/09 |
| 107 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 7 Bonus Scenes | 4/26/09 |
| 107 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 7 Show Clips | 4/26/09 |
| 107 | Music Videos | Videos: As Heard on VH1: Anjulie "Boom" | 4/24/09 |
| 106 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 6 Show Clips | 4/21/09 |
| 106 | Full Episode | Videos: Dirty Little Secrets | 4/20/09 |
| 106 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 6 Bonus Scenes | 4/19/09 |
| 105 | Full Episode | Videos: Dollars and Sex | 4/13/09 |
| 105 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 5 Show Clips | 4/13/09 |
| 102 | Music Videos | Videos: As Heard on VH1: Gabriella Cilmi "Save the Lies" | 4/13/09 |
| 103 | Music Videos | Videos: As Heard on VH1: Gabriella Cilmi "Sweet About Me" | 4/13/09 |
| 106 | Music Videos | Videos: As Heard on VH1: Erin McCarley "Love, Save the Empty" | 4/13/09 |
| 105 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 5 Bonus Scenes | 4/12/09 |
| 104 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 4 Show Clips | 4/05/09 |
| 104 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 4 Bonus Scenes | 4/05/09 |
| 103 | Full Episode | Videos: Sex and the Male Brain | 3/30/09 |
| 103 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 3 Show Clips | 3/29/09 |
| 103 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 3 Bonus Scenes | 3/29/09 |
| 102 | Full Episode | Videos: Red Flags and White Lies | 3/23/09 |
| 102 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 2 Show Clips | 3/23/09 |
| 102 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 2 Bonus Scenes | 3/22/09 |
| 101 | Bonus Clips | Videos: Episode 1 Bonus Scenes | 3/15/09 |
| 101 | Full Episode | Videos: What Men Really Think | 3/13/09 |
| 101 | Show Clips | Videos: Episode 1 Show Clips | 3/15/08 |
| -- | Show Clips | Videos: VH1 Tough Love Supertrailer | 03/06/09 |
| -- | Show Clips | Videos: Tough Love Episode 7: Sneak Peek | 04/23/09 |
| -- | Show Clips | Videos: Tough Love Finale: Sneak Peek | 05/01/09 |
| More VH1 Tough Love Episodes | |||
52 responses to to Tough Talk From Steven – Episode 4
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52 responses to to Tough Talk From Steven – Episode 4