Hanging With The Blondourage

As a follow-up to the Rock of Love Bus reunion wrap-up, here’s a fly-on-the-wall account of Ashley and Farrah’s backstage musings as they made themselves look, well, Rock of Love-ish.

The dialogue posted below has been edited, of course, for clarity and pacing, but every attempt has been made to preserve their distinct voices. What follows is a sort of Joyceian stream of words, if Joyce were zonked out while receiving a lap dance. Call it Finnegan’s Lame.

Farrah: (in greeting) What the French?

VH1: How are you girls feeling?

Farrah: We’re ready to take the stage. We’re ready to take all the camera time like always.

Ashley: Here’s what we’re ready to do: we’re ready to drink, we’re ready to be slutty, we’re ready to embarrass everybody just by walking in front of them.

VH1: Are you excited to be here?

Ashley: I’m always excited for the opportunity to talk s***. It feels really good to be back in my element with my BFF here.

Farrah: Everybody was like, “I didn’t even like Farrah and Ashley, but now that they’re gone, I want to bring them back. The show’s so boring.”

Ashley: You can ask us questions.

VH1: I like to observe.

Ashley: Oh my god, look at this (points to fuzz in her armpit). It’s from my T-shirt. Wipe it off! It looks like have hair!

Farrah: I thought you were wiping that off with your panties.

Ashley: I don’t have panties.

Farrah: You don’t have panties on under that? Your cat is going to hang out.

Ashley: As usual. Do you have a problem with that? Bret didn’t.

Farrah: As long as you sit on the couch and uncross your legs like Sharon Stone.

Ashley: Who’s that?

Farrah: Your mom.

Ashley: (Regarding an airplane-size bottle of Smirnoff) I’m OCD and I can’t drink vodka out of plastic.

Farrah: I guess you’re F’ed then, ’cause we don’t have anything. And since when?

Farrah: Look, I got my dress made.

Ashley: Hey, did you see how stupid everybody else looks?

Farrah: It always happens that way, so I didn’t even notice.

VH1: Can you guys go through and give your evaluations on everyone?

Farrah: Wait, I gotta put my dress on. Did you want me to do that in front of you?

VH1: No.

Farrah: You wouldn’t want to participate in the situation?

VH1: I’ll leave.

(Returning after a few minutes)

Farrah: Do you think my boobs look bigger on TV?

VH1: No, I think they look bigger in person.

Farrah: When I meet people, they say, “I thought your boobs were bigger than that.” At the last two events I hosted, I didn’t wear a bra. I’d sometimes be wearing two bras on the show, pushing everything up.

VH1: Does it hurt to not wear a bra?

Farrah: I think so ’cause my boobs are so heavy. They’re like 10 lbs., probably.

VH1: So how is it that you can go out without wearing one?

Farrah: Well, I’ll wear shirts with built-in bras, but nothing padded, pushing my boobs to the ceiling or anything. Do you know that Maxim called me? I did an interview with them.

Ashley: Hey look, our pedicures look the same!

Farrah: That’s because we’re sluts and that’s the color sluts wear.

Ashley: Sluts united!

Farrah: We’re the blonde leading the blonde, bitch. Me and Ashley are like peanut butter and jelly.

Ashley: We’re like vodka and cranberry juice.

Farrah: We’re like Patrón and a side of Sprite for the chaser.

Ashley: I was doing an event in Florida and I ordered porn in my room, and the guy who was hosting the event paid for it. He didn’t say anything about it because it was a weird porn. It was like lesbians on tricycles.

Farrah: I’m gonna tell Taya and Mindy that I’d rather ride a bicycle on a gravel road with no seat than hang out with them. Clip my nipples off. Staple my cat together. I’m gonna tell Taya, “You came to the wrong auditorium. Prom’s next door, bitch.”

Ashley: During Charm School, we were sequestered in a hotel on a down day, and they left the key in the mini bar and they weren’t supposed to. I drank every bottle of alcohol and it was, like, $1,000. And then I ate all the cookies, ’cause I was drunk and like, “I need coooooookies!” At the end, they said, “We have a bill of this much,” and I said, “Why was the key in there? I thought this was room service.”

VH1: Who are you least excited to see?

Farrah: Everybody but us.

Ashley: Who’s America least excited to see? Everybody but us.

Farrah: Yeah, just let America answer that question. I don’t want to see anybody but myself and Ashley. I just wanna look in the mirror the whole time because I’m so hot right now.

VH1: Do you guys really feel that entitled and loved?

Ashley: It’s not about popularity, it’s about controversy. I get 75 percent hate, but people who love me really love me. You want people to talk about you, regardless.

Farrah: We say how we feel.

VH1: Kelsey’s wearing a Blondourage shirt.

Farrah: I gave her one. I love Kelsey. I also have “What the French?” shirts.

Ashley: I’m wearing my pearls in honor of Taya.

VH1: Mindy was really good-natured, I thought. She told me she thought the salsa incident was funny.

Ashley: No she didn’t.

Farrah: She’s just trying to make amends so we don’t kick her ass.

Ashley: I just saw Melissa getting her makeup done.

Farrah: What does she look like?

Ashley: What does she look like? It’s irrelevant. I didn’t even look at her.

Farrah: Bitch.

VH1: Have you seen Mindy?

Ashley: I haven’t, but I’m assuming she still looks like a beaver.

Farrah: She looks like she’s been gnawing on a lot of wood, if you know what I mean. She didn’t gnaw on any wood for 35 years and then Bret gave her a piece. She’s building a dam right now. Damn, Mindy’s building a dam.

VH1: I was surprised you guys were cool with Jamie.

Ashley: Who’s that?

Farrah: (simultaneously) Why?

VH1: I didn’t think you liked anyone besides Kelsey and Marcia.

Ashley: She got extensions, she’s cool now. I didn’t like her when she had short hair, but now I could at least hang out with her.

VH1: It’s an upgrade.

Farrah: She looks hot. Do you think we look different in person?

VH1: No, although when I interviewed you, you told me that you weren’t as tall as you seemed on TV and that’s definitely true.

Farrah: Everyone thinks I’m a big-ass bitch. I wore seven-inch heels the whole time.

VH1: Ashley, your tattoos are amazing.

Ashley: I just got this one (points to pink spider web connected to a heart on her elbow). No one ever gets pink spiderwebs.

VH1: I love that Hello Kitty was on VH1 every week via your arm.

Ashley: Oh my god, I have a huge Asian fan base. I hosted in Washington, D.C. I’m telling you, 2,000 Asians showed up. They told me they drove from all these places. I have a lot of transsexual fans, too. A ton of them! A huge transsexual, a huge gay and a huge Asian following. People think I’m a drag queen a lot.

Farrah: People think that about me, too. I’m like f*** you.

Ashley: Oh, I don’t care.

Farrah: I was in Mexico with my man and I had crazy makeup on and my heels. I was in the bathroom and this older woman who could barely speak English goes, “Are you woman?” I was about to freak out, but my man said, “Baby, it’s just ’cause of your eye makeup.”

VH1: You guys don’t really plan on hurting anyone today, right?

Ashley: It’s not about violence, we just make people want to kill themselves with our words. Like, Natasha, her life is over. Everyone thinks she’s a man. I said what America was thinking: look, I haven’t seen her balls, but she’s a dude. Anybody can get their penis removed and get it turned into a vagina.

Farrah: It was a mask in that porn. It wasn’t a real vagina.

Ashley: You can take your d*** and tuck it and tape it and then get one of those fake p*****s.

Farrah: Haven’t you ever seen that guy that takes his d*** and makes it into a hamburger? She did that with hers, but she made it into a vagina. She never wore heels. She always wore Ugg boots with her little dresses. Know why? She couldn’t find a Size 12 in a hot heel. Everyone was going to know. That’s a dead giveaway for a drag queen.

Ashley: She didn’t wear jeans because you can’t buy women’s jeans in Size Bulge-in-Front. I hear she wants to fight me, though.

Farrah: If she has anything to say, I’m going to tell her, “Look, why don’t you go pick on somebody your own gender.”

Ashley: I was going to say, “I don’t fight men, but James is here, and he will.”

VH1: I really wouldn’t ever want to piss you guys off.

Ashley: I don’t even feel like I’m better than these girls that I’m making fun of. I feel like they should make fun of me. Make fun of my extensions. Make fun of my boobs. Make fun of everything about me. Please! It’s like, stand up for yourselves. Don’t let me walk on you because I’m going to. It’s the stupidest part to me.

Farrah: If I was gonna wear something weird, I would expect it. If you’re going to wear brown lip gloss, come on.

For more shots (at least of the photographic kind) check out the gallery below: