Daisy Of Love Recap - Episode 1 - Every Rose Has Its Daisy

Watch out, people. Daisy’s coming.

And she’s putting her knees into it, so you can tell she really means it.

We open our latest spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off of a spin-off by looking at 20 dudes.

A voice over tells us that this is not Tool Academy. But for the lack of an academy! No, this is Daisy of Love, where 20 men severely lacking in tact will compete for the hand/heart/genitalia of Daisy De La Hoya, Rock of Love 2’s tragic figure, who describes herself to us as a singer, model and all-around badass.

She seems more like a goodass to me, but she’s certainly entitled to her opinion on herself. It’s her show.

A strapping lad with an accent Southern-fried enough to make Rodeo sound cosmopolitan, who will come to be known as Big Rig…

…tells us that he wanted to slap the s*** out of Bret for not picking Daisy. Thank god it didn’t have to come to that. Don’t get mad; get a contract to appear on reality TV. New mantra for ’09!

A car pulls up and instead of Daisy, rock scenester/Headbanger’s Ball VJ/Rock of Love reunion host/Rock of Love Charm School dean and all around rockass Riki Rachman emerges.

A man whose hair can be best described as Wuornosian and who we’ll come to know as Weasel, calls Riki a “totel boner kill.”

Riki is here to make sure Daisy doesn’t get her heart broken again. That’s going to require glue and perhaps sedatives. I hope Riki has stocked up.

“Hey everybody, it’s me! 12 Pack!” says…

…12 Pack. His excitement to be back on reality TV is of Muppetesque proportions. He’s a single “Wakka” away from being Fozzie Bear in that gif, no? Anyway, he assures us that he has vested interest in Daisy, having had his abs counted by her on the set of I Love Money.

You know it’s love when she busts out the pointer finger.

The boys are ushered inside and made to gather around a stage. They are finally greeted by song. It is a Daisy De La Hoya original replete with choreography. The song seems to be called “Heartbreaker,” since she repeats, “Heartbreakah!” a lot. Sadly, it is not a cover of Mariah Carey’s 1999 hit or its fabulous remix.

Reflecting on this, Weasel interviews, “I was pitchin’ a tent.” We’re just five minutes into this series and I already know entirely too much about Weasel’s weasel. And what is causing his manhood to swell enough to be worth reporting, you ask? This…

…and this…

You know, things of that nature.

Not everyone is as taken as Weasel, it seems.

When Daisy’s song concludes, she bellows, “Hello, boys!”

She says it the exact way Tila Tequila might were she not pretending to be bisexual. I really hope Daisy isn’t taking cues from that one. If so, it’s gonna be a long season. “I’ve had my heart broken, and I’ve been a heartbreaker, and I’m sure you guys have, too,” says Daisy. Don’t be so sure, Daisy. Not about anything, but especially about this group of guys’ ability to break hearts. Some of them seem extremely incompetent. She tells the guys to go find their rooms. And so they do.

These two Rock, Paper, Scissors playing roommates are…actual roommates. Verdict is out on how euphemistic that distinction is.

After they find their rooms, the guys start doing unnecessary things with alcohol.

Weasel talks of bee lining it to the bar. We hear him say, “That’s how Jersey does it!” We can only assume that the sentiment concludes, “…without conditioner or V05 Hot Oil!” Meanwhile, as the other guys act like guys do on this channel, 12 Pack looks on and comments, “Some people are gonna be sloppy tonight, man.”

He’s so aged and wise. Justified and ancient, even. He has the knowledge that only filming two previous reality shows can bring.

And then, we meet a trio of men who have seemed to devote their entire existence to being living Poison album covers.

They are triplets from Sweden possessing a collectively laid-back disposition that clashes eerily with how hard they’re otherwise trying.

We learn that they are in a band.

And that their thick accents are the stuff of the graphics’ department’s dreams.

Not that we didn’t already know that.

I don’t think they have to “get” anything. They just are. This is confirmed by their ingestion of hot dogs straight from the pack.

They also dip the dogs in salsa. I think this is the most offensive use of salsa ever on VH1 and I’m taking full account of Ashley’s salsa assault (assaulsa) to Mindy’s clothes on Rock of Love Bus. In all honesty, I’d rather watch a million Bret Michaels tongues flop in and out of a million women’s mouths than watch these guys dip their raw hot dogs in salsa.

And then, horrors:

That’s said by this one, who clearly has no concept of what “post-Imus” means:

He either doesn’t understand the concept of this show, or he’s gunning to turn this all-male social situation into one more akin to a prison. Neither bodes particularly well for anyone.

Daisy corrals the guys so that she can name them. It’s a time-honored tradition. You know what else is a time-honored tradition?

Women wearing this kind of thing over their clothes. I love that netting look and I honestly never would have known about it were it not for VH1. Thanks again, VH1, for broadening my horizons and showing me the cornucopia of all the interesting things other people think are sexy. This show is a smorgasbord, and I’m not even saying that because of all the Swedes.

A boy named “Crazy Mike” is the first to be named. He has the tendency to flip…

…and to show his ass.

Daisy ends up naming him Flipper…

I can’t help but wonder if she considered “Assy.”

Then, there’s London, so named for his resemblance to British punk-rocker stereotypes.

Daisy calls up the triplets next by saying, “Oh my gosh, where are you guys from?!?”

Duh. They seem awfully taken with themselves and their origins.

Daisy says the situation is like “buy one get two free.” Oh Daisy, you only feel that way because you’re American. Riki resolves to name them:

Since, as he says, that’s the last time it was appropriate to look like they do. That’s actually a clever name! On VH1? Let me pick my soul jaw up off the floor. Hold on, it’s going to take a while.

Daisy names one of the roommates…

…as he is a “dark rocker guy” in need of a “dark rocker name.” Hmmmm, maybe she should have let Riki handle that one.

Next up is the boner popper, who Daisy says would look a lot like Bret were he to wear a cowboy hat and eye makeup.

I am sure that somewhere, Bret Michaels is horribly offended. She ends up giving the guy…

“Boner” would have been better. It’s amazing that that name is still up for grabs after all this time, and all these spin-offs. We’ll get you yet, Boner. And when we do, we’ll treat you exactly how you deserve to be treated.

Daisy interviews that, “This naming stuff is really hard, ’cause like, you have to think of all these names.” It would seem that talking is hard as well, ’cause you have to think of all these words.

No matter, more names happen:

(So named for…

Yeah. He’s hot.)

The “bitches” guy shows off with a dance that’s reminiscent of an oversexed Poochie:

Here’s the most important bit – you may find this gif useful on its own:

Instead of being lavished with praise for his moves, he’s rewarded with an insult of a name:

And justice isn’t even yet served!

Clearly prompted, Riki asks one guy who’s rocking an eyebrow piercing if there’s anything else on his body that’s pierced.

Indeed. He has a six-gauge Prince Albert, and if you don’t know what that is, you’re too sheltered to be watching VH1. Seriously, what kind of CSPAN sewer did you crawl out of? Huh? Huh?

Daisy is incredulous over the man-made hole in this dude’s penis.

She notes that a 6-gauge-sized hole is basically the size of her thumb.

And seriously, is it a d*** or is it swiss cheese? Or is the implication that he’s packing enough to support that kind of punctured girth. God, I feel like I could spend hours hypothesizing about this guy’s tool. I’ll stop now.

When this guy comes up, Daisy asks, “Is that a tattoo?”

Those don’t sound like the words of an all-around badass, but whatever. Upon being asked, the guy sort of winces. “Why are you so scared about it?” asks Daisy. She has a hard time with body language, huh? Anyway, it turns out that this dude is a professional cage fighter, hence the Fight or Die tattoo and the name:

And then, there is 12 Pack, who introduces himself as “Dave or 12 Pack…as I’m known.”

Such a sophisticate! “I didn’t come here for TV,” says 12 Pack, dubiously. “I didn’t come here with a Speedo on.” Well, now you know he’s lying. In an interview, he reflects on his time on I Love New York, saying he wasn’t really into her as he didn’t really know if she was a man or a woman for the first five episodes. That he was competing for this person’s heart doesn’t exactly do much to quell the sexuality speculation that has always followed 12 Pack around. Whatever, he’s here for Daisy, that’s the point. And, if I can just throw my own experience in, way back before this show even started casting, Dave was determined to get on it since, as he told me at the I Love Money reunion, Daisy is the “perfect woman” to him. Take that as you will, but I think he’s actually legit. Or, you know, as legit as possible given the situation.

“That’s pretty…awesome,” says Daisy upon 12 Pack’s ab reveal. Well put. What else is there to say about abs, anyway?

Then comes time for the mixer, which is really a big excuse to watch Daisy regard people warily…

…and in sunglasses, at one point:

Cage talks about his tattoos that pay tribute to people that were close to him who’ve died and the absence of his father from this equation, since he never really knew his dad. Aw. Cable Guy thinks he stands out for his lack of tattoos. He isn’t wrong. Dropout says that the triplets look like girls, but they’re men. “They’re kinda cute, though. I’ll take ‘em home,” he says. By the end of the episode, he will have his chance!

Fox tells Daisy that she’s “highly, highly, adorably amazing,” and then babbles something about her being the epitome of Daisy and that her name is who she is. I think he means that she’s redefining the concept of “daisy,” if, in fact, you want to call it a concept. Whatever, the important thing is that they make out.

It’s like a Seal song, but, you know, yellow.

Outside, Sinister points out that Toolbox referred to women (Daisy possibly included) as “bitches.” We cut to him, doing a dance for no seeming reason or audience.

When Daisy confronts him, he says, “It’s just the way I talk.” Just like spiked into a multi-colored Mohawk his just the way his hair is, right? Daisy lets him know that she’s calling the shots and that the can’t talk to her like that. Is that feminism I hear, falling out of her mouth? Weird.

Daisy talks to Torch, who says what sounds like, “Bleep bloom blop, Canada.” He says something about Swahili and she asks, “Are you Swahilish?” In a way, it would seem that they were made for each other.

Before you can think too much about that, Flipper climbs up to the top of this structure that’s holding lights.

Daisy freaks out like a mime who just ate a habenero.

And then, he does what he seems to be threatening: he jumps from there to the pool.

And he’s fine, but god, that water is so shallow! He could have been paralyzed! More importantly, he’s making my inner grandmother come out and I’m not entirely comfortable with that. Damn you, Flipper! He hugs her after his leap. “Now you made me all wet!” says Daisy. “That’s what I do!” says Flipper. Little does he know that wetness comes from inside. At least, the kind that matters.

London goes inside and shows his ass in more ways than one…

…by throwing up in the sink with his ass hanging out. He eventually passes out on the floor, and is comforted by Flipper.

That’s pretty…awesome.

Daisy talks to Dropout, who tells her that his name is Tristan. She thinks (or at least pretends to think) that he said “Triscuit.” She kind of won’t hear anything else. This is her way of saying, “Pack your bags and androgynous triplets – you’re going home soon.”

Then, there’s more talk of the triplets’ polygamy potential.

At least they’re aware of their limitations!

12 Pack lets Daisy know that he went out of his way to be here.

Really, 12 Pack? You weren’t just passing through VH1 during your morning jog? 12 Pack interviews that he’s a catch because he’s fit and isn’t “retarded out of my mind like most of these guys.” I have one thing to say about the phrase “retarded out of my mind”:

Whatever, Daisy and 12 make out.

Meanwhile, Weasel has drunk two bottles of Jack Daniels, making even rock hand (Taya™) difficult.

Shape up that rock hand or ship out, Weasel. We don’t tolerate half-hearted crap in these parts.

And then, Daisy makes an announcement: she’s going to be letting go of people right now, namely the triplets. She gives some vague reason about her being there to look for love for real. Essentially, they are too big of a gimmick even for a VH1 show. I never thought I’d see the day.

They all say goodbye in a sea of peroxide. For a moment, it is impossible to tell where one person’s hair begins and the next person’s (including Daisy’s) ends.

Bye, guys. It was…

…confusing.

Riki tells them they can take food with them and so they do. Like, tons of it.

They march out like chorus orphans in a Sunset Strip production of Oliver! In my heart, “Where Is Love?” (the Swan Brooner version) plays softly as they make their final exit.

Meanwhile, Weasel passes out, so the other guys write on his face. I wonder if there was any teabagging involved that was deemed too hot for TV?

He shows up to elimination like this.

Daisy, whose styling looks better now than all episode, is incredulous as usual.

She can’t believe he didn’t look at himself in the mirror before coming to elimination. Really? That’s so hard to believe?

Whatever. Daisy begins to call up her men. Each one who’s staying gets a chain (a Daisy chain?) and a query: “Will you stay in this house and be my rock star?” So Daisy’s like some supreme groupie figure? Interesting. Fox is the first to be called, and then Flex. Too bad there isn’t a F***s to be her third. Then it goes: 6 Gauge, Chi Chi, Sinister, Big Rig, Flipper (although Daisy says she still has some “bizarre questions” about him, which makes sense to me as I can’t imagine Daisy coming up with questions that aren’t bizarre), 12 Pack, Cage, Professor, Cable Guy, Brooklyn and Tool Box. Daisy is keeping him despite his “bitches” comment, as “he’s really frickin’ hot, can you blame me?” Yes, but only for using the word “frickin’.”

It comes down to Weasel, Torch and Dropout. Daisy tells Dropout it’s time for him to drop out. “He just seems like a cartoon character,” interviews Daisy while riding sidesaddle on a unicorn with Hello Kitty, her skin glowing a Simpsons shade of orange.

Weasel admits…

…”I’m a complete trainwreck, man.” Suddenly, my opinion of him has shot through roof. So has Daisy’s. He’s staying, and click-speaker Torch is going back to Swahililand aka Canada.

In the end, the 15 remaining guys and Daisy all toast via flasks.

I have nothing to say about that except for: how appropriate.

It’s gonna be a good season! Yeah! You pumped? Whoo!

Related content
Daisy of Love show page
Daisy of Love video and extras