I Love Money 2 Recap – Episode 13 – The Boob Noobs

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If VH1 has taught us anything, it’s that nothing beats the comfort of an ample bosom.

Spoiler alert!

We open with Tailor Made and Myammee discussing how they’re gunning for Prancer, after she alienated them by switching over to the dark side, as it were.

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Saaphyri, meanwhile, explains, “Today, my alliance is…”

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Notice that she qualifies the announcement with “today,” since this stuff changes with the frequency of It’s eye twitches. Saaphyri and Angelique discuss the state of things some more and Saaph tells Angelique that one of them better win…

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So, what’s she suggesting? That nobody wins? Given the willful backstabbing, that’s pretty much the only way to stop evil from overcoming.

Well, OK, not all of them are evil.

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Angelique isn’t coherent enough to be reduced to a distinction as simple as evil.

Talking Craig Head’s announcement emphasizes “enhance,” “reduce” and “bust.” So, today’s challenge is either about boobs or the gradual death of print. Could go either way, really.

Before the challenge, Saaphyri makes It clean his stuff up. “It’s like we’re living together,” he notes. “We are living together, you’re in my room!” she barks back. “To da moon, ‘Phyri! To da moon!” It doesn’t say back. But he should!

Here’s what the grubbers see after they’re shipped to the challenge site:

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I’m almost positive I’ve seen New York wearing the exact fabric the giant boobs are cradled in:

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I guess that’s what purple satin is for, after all: cradling giant fake boobs. Anyway, today’s challenge is called:

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It’s basically an obstacle course that the contestants must run while wearing what Craig calls a “giant boob apparatus.” They suit up and…

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…what on earth could it be worth censoring on a giant fake boob? I guess a giant fake nipple is the obvious answer, but damn, that’s awfully strict censoring from the network that places the importance of silicone above any other compound.

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This is Meyer-esque enough to make me swoon. Faster, ‘Phyri-cat! Kill! Kill!

Myammee is the first to run the course. She goes from hurdles…

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…to braving densely placed poles…

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…to limboing under a giant-fake-boob cut-out…

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…to a tire hop…

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…to a balance beam…

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…to a swim around a buoy…

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…and finally back to the start…

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Though he slips on the tires, Tailor Made is able to take the lead after running the course…

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The formerly contusion-plagued Prancer clears the tires like they’re nothing.

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Maybe she just heals quickly? Hmmm, Wolverine is in theaters this week. Do I smell a subliminal tie-in?

Though she stumbles once out of the water…

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…Prancer nonetheless takes the lead:

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She makes a cocky reference to doing this all with a “bum leg.” Um, if it took you to victory, there’s nothing bum about it!

For her part, Saaphyri does a backstroke once in the water. She’s sort of an expert at maneuvering giant boobs, you know?

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Then, it’s It’s turn…

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After showing us what a doggy paddle would look like if done by a leg-less dog, It emerges from the water and says, “What? I ain’t do good.” Ya think?

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Finally, there is Angelique, who thinks that she’s supposed to walk on the tires, and not put her feet in the holes.

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Yeah, they do stuff weirdly in France.

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What this means is that Prancer is the challenge winner, thus Paymaster…

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…and It is shirtless…

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Oops, I mean, It is the dead-last loser. Sorry, got distracted. It interviews, “Now, I’m the dead-last loser again, and I feel like a dead-last loser…again!” I wouldn’t call him an idiot, but there is something savant-like in his ability to express himself. I mean, do you have any doubt that this is exactly how it went down in that fascinating head of his?

Prancer’s victory has Myammee spooked. She interviews that she’s scared of what’s going to happen, because Saaphyri has Prancer “under her wing.” I thought Prancer was under Saaphyri’s boob? Please stick with the brilliant imagery you strike, Myammee.

At home, Tailor Made attempts to convince It to do exactly what he needs, which is to not vote for him or Myammee, but to vote for Saaphyri.

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As they discuss this, the phrase “sway vote” (as a noun) is employed a lot:

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It seems determined not to vote for Saaphyri, which sends Tailor Made scrambling to that trusty pad of his.

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At last, the reason why he always pronounces Saaphyri’s name like “Safari” is revealed: because that’s how it’s spelled in his head. This is troublesome, but at least he can spell. On this network, you can never be sure.

Tailor Made meets with It again, and he does seem to convince his boy to vote Saaphyri into the box.

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Although, the fact that It is gazing off with his mouth open doesn’t bode well for getting through to him. Give that one a piece of paper, why don’t ya?

Vault time! Before they can vote, Craig notes that It is cracking up.

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It’s so adorable, it deserves a closer look:

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He tells Craig he’s about to see some “crazy s***” go down. From this promise, I was hoping he’d eat after midnight, put on a pair of round glasses and start saying “civilizaaaaation” like that smart gremlin in Gremlins 2. No such luck, though. All he does is vote against Saaphyri and Frenchie, which was expected and not crazy at all.

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Although the fact that he calls it “crazy” is kinda crazy. Whatever. It wins, as always.

This means that Saaphyri and Frenchie are on the chopping block. Frenchie is not amused.

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She’s so not amused, in fact, that she immediately threatens to quit.

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She launches into this speech, in which she says she never gives up. Craig points out the contradiction between threatening to quit and never giving up. Angelique doesn’t seem to understand. I think her grasp on English is best described as “selective.” Anyway, more subtitle fun highlights her rant.

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Saaphyri realizes that if Angelique quits, it’s leaving the door open for her own elimination, so she brandishes her slick tongue and uses a little love to convince Frenchie to stay.

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Angelique ponders the power of karma, which she pronounces like “camera,” as in…

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So, first of all, I love that by Angelique’s admission, she is at the center of the cosmic universe if by doing her wrong, you inflict negative karma upon yourself. Second of all, I love the irony of the misinterpretation directly above, considering how bad people can come off via these shows. If “Karma is a bitch” is the first rule of reality TV, “Camera is a beach,” must be the second.

There’s more nonsense from Angelique, whose “Thank you, Saaphyri” translates in subtitlespeak to:

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And one last turn of phrase punctuates the scene:

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The woman is a genius. Yet another one that I’d like to see let loose with a piece of paper. That sounds really boring of me, I know. That’s why I’m here and they’re there, I guess.

Power Outing! Today’s involves golf.

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Suddenly, boring seems like the way to be. Except if you’re It, who foolishly drives the golf cart.

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The guy knows how to have a good time, no matter the situation. Chalk it up to childlike wonder.

Then, they sup.

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Now comes the time where everyone talks about how weak they are in an attempt to stay on the show. Saaphyri says that she should stay because she isn’t the strongest, and then It says that he should stay because he’s the fourth weakest. I’m impressed that he came up with such a specific number. Such a thinker! When it’s Angelique’s turn, she says she doesn’t think that she’s weaker than Prancer. Gasp! What a twist!

Also, in the least shocking news since Saaphyri gave the whole weak excuse, Angelique reintroduces the idea of the girls banding together in their own alliance. It wouldn’t be an I Love Money 2 episode without it.

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When it’s time for the one-on-one, Prancer selects Frenchie and they sit in the golf cart.

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Prancer wants a no-boys alliance. But the real question is: does she want a matching clubhouse?

Angelique mangles English some more as she makes her case for staying, although she doesn’t seem nearly as desperate as some in her position have.

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Elimilation!

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In an attempt to stay, It reduces himself to begging, saying that his grandfather only has six months to live and the prize money would really help him. Weak! If you’re gunning for monetary sympathy, don’t make things seem so terminal — at least position it so that there’s some miracle cure that only the prize money could buy. Angelique says she now trusts Prancer, and that’s worth a lot since Angelique is so loyal, unlike It.

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Hm, I guess she’s more desperate than I thought. Saaphyri says her relationship with Prancer is “ride or die.” She adds, “And I’m not the strongest.” “I’m not the strongest” is the new “I’m not here to make friends,” y/y?

Prancer calls Saaphyri to get her check. “Thank you, Jesus, and thank you Prancer, for keeping your word,” Saaphyri gushes. Jesus says, “You’re welcome,” Saaphyri. He told me to tell you that.

Prancer calls Angelique forward next and says that at this point, things aren’t about alliances — she knows that she can beat It, so she’s keeping him. Frenchie is going home.

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And maybe even more sadly, so are her subtitles.

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Prancer gives Frenchie the peace-out.

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But don’t worry, guys, I think Frenchie’s gonna be just fine:

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When Prancer gives It his check, she tells him, “I’m hoping you’re as big of a loser as I think you are!” It interviews…

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“I feel like a crackhead in the Crack Olympics or something.” Best quote since “thang thang?” No doubt. Whether by accident or predisposition or some sort of synaptic crossed-circuits, this dude is a genius. It’s It’s world, we just it in it.

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