Just when you thought it was safe to turn on the television, now even New York’s talking about swine flu:
Not sure if this counts as resurrection or a nail in its coffin. Could go either way, really.
The people have voted and…
…they picked “fast-food restaurant cashier.” Good job, people! Kidding, despite how it sounds, the Pork Palace isn’t a joint, but a farm:
And you know, after reading Gene Baur‘s Farm Sanctuary, all I can say is THANK GOD they didn’t ship New York to some factory farm, lest this be less jokey reality and more Faces of Deathly. Yay for pigmanship!
And look at how happy New York is to be there:
New York meets with Randy the ostensible king of Pork Palace, who’ll dole out New York’s five tasks:
She meets with “swine expert” Infro, the “master goat keeper” Siro and Randy’s son, who clearly has it out for New York:
As New York prepares for her first crappy job and looks for a place to put her bag, she takes the pigmen to task for their lifestyle, deeming it “unsanitary and disgusting.” Well, speaking of lifestyles and sanitation:
New York’s first job is to clean up a pig pen, which means shoveling manure. She accepts this task with the grace we’ve come to expect from her:
At one point, a fly buzzes around her. New York uses this as an opportunity to stop what she’s doing and whine about it. When Randy approaches her to assist her, she asks him, “Is there a fly in my ear?” Look lady, whatever the weave’s covering is your business.
New York finally makes a crappy attempt at shoveling crap:
It may be fitting, but it’s still a fail:
Before we get to the next task, let’s check in with Infro to see his assessment of New York’s output:
Infro is easily swayed.
This next task requires Newy to transport a pig from its pen to…I don’t know, somewhere that it doesn’t end up going by New York’s hand. As she starts this task, a mere look from a pig provokes a flight of fancy.
Randy interviews that New York is “incredibly skittish.” I’m really overwhelmed by Randy’s insight. Next he’ll deliver some wild bombshell like New York’s boobs aren’t real.
New York finally gets down to business and the first matter of that is waking a napping pig. New York pokes said pig with a stick…
The pig rouses and New York takes off. She hops at one point and wails, “I don’t want to die!” at another.
I don’t know why she’s protecting her genitalia. Is she that narcissistic to think that everyone, be they human or porcine, wants her?
Also, for some reason I found this little snatch of footage hilarious:
She’s, like, grieving.
She’s supposed to direct this now wayward pig with a board, but Infro ends up doing all the work. Well, he isn’t a swine expert for nothing.
Thus, more failure:
The next task is led by Bryan, whom New York bribes with half of the prize money if she doesn’t have to shovel the feed. Bryan isn’t having it.
This ends up being something that New York is capable of. What a rare thing!
Next, New York is introduced to Randy’s mother who has prepared this:
New York takes a look at this totally crisped out pig, blesses herself and cries, “God rest his soul!”
Well, that’s arbitrary. You’d think she’d like them better dead, seeing as she can’t so much as be 20 feet away from a live one without busting a seizure. The task here is to cut the pig up and serve it to the family. New York wonders, “If you guys don’t cut him, do you think he can come back to life?” Is she just making stuff up at this point, or what? That tops the time a dolphin swam up to her and she asked, “Is it alive?” You’d think that someone whose mouth has repeatedly put her in harm’s way would understand the basics of organic life as we know it on Earth. Oh, that New York, so full of surprises.
She is SHOCKINGLY uncomfortable with this task as well:
She reports that the skin is crunchy, as though that’s an accident. She should take Ricki Lake’s lead and help produce a documentary on the hazards of over-tanning.
She ends up serving everyone and offers her own homemade side:
Contempt. She calls this family “creepy bastards” after witnessing their bone-sucking and finger-licking. She may be mean, but she isn’t necessarily wrong.
The penultimate task involves cutting a goat’s nails.
But Newy, of course, ends up running away during the process and thus fails.
She also left the barn open, which means all the goats got out:
And that, in turn, has created another task for her to fail at:
She may be a clown, but she’s no Rodeo.
New York eventually gets the goat on the rope:
She doesn’t comment on how plus-size this particular goat looks (seriously, is it pregnant?), which is kind of a let-down, actually. Finally, it would have been deserving!
The final task involves inseminating a pig. Given her tool, New York makes a face struck by many when presented a phallus:
And if that’s too subtle for you…
There you go.
New York informs us that she’s been trying to find “lovin’ like that” for two seasons. I knew she liked them long, but I had no idea she was into thin. Interesting. Anyway, this ends up being the task that New York does with the most ease. I’m not surprised — she’s kind of in her element.
I mean, she moans, of course.
But it doesn’t really get in the way of her job, for once.
Randy tells her to calm the pig with words. “Take it like a woman,” says New York. I’m guessing this is based on experience. Aw, she’s so sensitive.
Anyway, the time comes for New York to be evaluated. She pleads her case by saying that her hair, makeup and clothes — the thing she cares about — suffered as a result of this job. Very smart to bring to the table topics that these men will surely relate to.
The panel weighs in. Infro says New York was “bad,” running away all the time. But he comes around because, “I know you’re beautiful.” He says yes. Ciro tells New York that she needs “to more learn.” “When you chasing the goat, you had beautiful boobs,” he enthuses. And to think that he wouldn’t have been treated to that had she not screwed up and left the barn door open! Ciro says yes. New York gives her admirers a little something more that they can feel…or think about when they get a second alone.
Bryan says that every job she had was terrible and she took forever. He says no. “Screw you, Bryan,” Newy says plainly. Yeah, Bryan’s a little too real for reality TV.
And because of that, Randy doesn’t listen to him and presents New York with the check.
Even though she completed half the tasks and complained about all of them, New York gets the check. Well, you know what they say about money: easy come, easy come. No wait, they don’t say that. But at least now New York can.