You can see why she’s able to make out with so many guys. What’s there not to love?
You know what I like? The idea of living in a house where, “Good morning,” isn’t said with words, but penis.
It’s just like that jingle: “The best part of waking up is penis is your cup.” After all these years, Folgers’ promise is realized.
There’s some drama between “bromates” (Daisy™) Chi Chi and Sinister that doesn’t play out this episode, but that I have a feeling is not going away anytime soon.
Daisy gathers the guys to announce the challenge. Today is all about separating the guys who rock from the ones who are all talk. Well, in that case, show’s over everyone!
Just kidding. Today’s challnege will require the men to play music in groups. At just the suggestion of it, Cage is uncomfortable.
And also kinda Verne Troyer-esque via that expression/angle. Anyone else see that?
Daisy explains that she thought it would be fun if the guys took the nursery rhymes she enjoyed as a child (and as recently as 10 minutes ago, when she was hanging out in her room before this scene) and transformed them into “bad-ass rock and roll songs.” In addition to being fun, they’d also be free since all that crap is so old that it wouldn’t have to be licensed. I mean, cute idea I guess, but Daisy really shouldn’t bulls*** a bulls***ter, you know?
The men will separate into three teams of three. Sinister, London and Six Gauge will be captains, since they’re they guys who are in actual bands and having them on the same team would provide an unfair advantage. They pick, dodge-ball style. I love that every episode has a little taste of gym class. I guess if you include Big Rig’s showering freedom, this counts as the second taste, and we aren’t even five minutes in yet! You can almost smell the jockstraps.
Anyway, the teams end up like this:
6 Gauge, Big Rig and Flex
London, Cage and Chi Chi
Sinister, 12 Pack and Fox
Some might say that it was low that Sinister didn’t draft Chi Chi, but those people care a lot more than I do. The guys get two hours to prepare. Sinister’s team will play “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.” London’s team will rockify “Row Row Row Your Boat.” Six Gauge’s team will play “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.” The guys begin arranging, and this time I’m not referring to activity in the crotch region. Well, that’s for most of them. 6 Gauge’s team feels that they are the underdogs — I guess 6 isn’t as into music as the other captains. He’s the biggest dilettante? Whatever. Basically, they know they need a gimmick and Big Rig offers, “I’ll go nekkid.”
I’m starting to think that Big Rig is a nudist. And if he’s not, I wonder if he’s at least looked into the lifestyle.
Anyway, the guys arrive at the Knitting Factory, where they’ll be playing for Daisy.
Daisy interviews that she thought they’d be wimps about this challenge, but they actually all seem pretty “gun ho” about it. I’m gun ho about listening to Daisy say things wrong. It’s just one of those things that makes my day go by quicker.
In addition to doing the naked thing, 6 Gauge’s team has also drawn tatoos on themselves (and, presumably, each other) and made the most interesting makeup choices we’ve seen yet.
I love the Egyptian eye on 6 Gauge. It’s very Xerxes. I wonder if he’ll sic his giant rhino on Daisy as his grand finale.
In addition to Riki, Daisy’s friend will help judge this competition:
In addition to being Daisy’s BFF, her dad is the guitarist in Steve Miller Band, so she’s the perfect judge — being from a music family, rock music is more apt to reach out and grab her.
6 Gauge’s band will be the first to play. When it’s mentioned that they’ll be performing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” Daisy looks thrilled:
I think she’s been dying to hear it live after listening to it for all these years on her iPod.
12 Pack notes that these guys are making him feel like he’s in a “transsexual biker bar.” Yeah, ’cause they have those. Or maybe 12 Pack knows of something I’m not familiar with? Not yet familiar with, anyway.
I’m not sure if they say it before they play and I just missed it or what, but we’ll come to find out that the name of this band is “Chippendaisy.” I assume that this is because Big Rig plays totally nude:
We hear a report that his ballsac can be spotted peaking out from beneath the guitar.
As ballsacs go, that’s pretty impressive. Daisy seems to think so, too.
She recaps that, “Big Rig has a guitar in front of his big rig,” which is interesting news, but not particularly surprising. It wouldn’t shock me if parading his large endowment in front of the other guys is strategy, a scare tactic.
Speaking of, to punctuate this performace, 6 Gauge rips off his pants and thrusts what Daisy refers to as his “banana hammock.”
Was large penis side part of the criteria for casting this thing?
Next up is London’s band:
For reasons best left to Daisy’s…unique brain, she takes offense to this name. Their performance is as messy as the last one, but without the added benefit of schlong. London also does some putzy move where he gets up on the drum kit but kind of stumbles off it. It is not very rock and roll. It isn’t even Rock of Love.
Finally, Sinister’s group, Daisy Train, goes. They are the only ones whose song is identifiable. Besides that, the most notable thing about it is 12 Pack’s glamor.
And then it’s over.
Daisy evaluates what she just heard. She’s no Lester Bangs. She isn’t even Sexman.
She thinks Chippendaisy (which I can’t even type without thinking of Shedaisy, which: LOL because that’s the stupidest name for a band in the history of stupid names for bands, and yes, I’ve heard of Rese’s Feces even) was unique for getting naked. If Daisy ever visited a nudist colony she’d go into shock in the face of all the individuality. Daisy eventually picks London’s team to win, despite Riki very vocally disagreeing with her. He practically pleads with her to reconsider. Riki, she just thinks they’re hot and you’re never going to understand how important that is if you aren’t a fan of the penis. Sorry, it’s true. The worth of so many bands is determined by the teen girls (and teen girls at heart) that swoon at them. Sinister says that if he knew the challenge was about looking like an idiot, he would have done that. Well, welcome to reality TV! You just learned the medium’s most important lesson.
The Daisy Blades and their Daisy bride immediately begin their date.
Someone asks where they are and Daisy reports “Beverly Hillsish.” She should lend her voice to a car GPS system. No one would get anywhere, but at least they’d be lost and amused!
London begins talking about his situation — he’s currently couch surfing since his pill-addict father threw him out. It’s a rough story. Police were called. Forceful ejection was employed. Despite the fact that it’s interesting on even a voyeuristic level, Daisy can’t be bothered to pay attention. She gets up in the middle of the story and says, “LOOK AT THAT!”
I think she literally was distracted by something shiny.
They arrive at their destination: the Gibson show room, where the guys are presented guitars for being such awesome rockers.
This makes London emotional, since he had to sell his guitar.
Being that there are instruments around, London decides to play one, while Chi Chi gives Daisy a rhaposdy in raspberry:
And then Daisy says:
And then Chi Chi says:
And then I says: ew.
And then London says:
They all sit down for dinner, but it’s interrupted. For once, it’s not a shiny thing that’s stealing Daisy’s attention, but Cage. They scuttle off for a one-on-one.
Cage tells Daisy about his hard life. His father threw him against a wall when he was 9-months-old because he was crying. Now I’m going to cry. His mom had a drinking problem and she went through a windshield and a car flipped over on her. He doesn’t say if she survived that, but I guess he doesn’t have to. Then, he lived on the streets for a while, “in and out of trashcans,” he puts it. As someone who gets paid to mock things, the phrase “in and out of trashcans” is extremely tempting. I’ll refrain, though. Cage’s life seems hard enough as it is. Poor guy. Kind of crazy that all these dudes are willing to throw up their woeful stories all over Daisy, though. I guess she just brings out the innnnnteresting of people.
Anyway, from his trashcan-hopping days (which make London’s couch-surfing tenure seem cushy in comparison), Cage began fighting in allies for money, which is so superhero of him. He now gets paid to do so. It’s like a triumph of the human spirit and bare fist in one fell swoop! Cage ends up crying and Daisy, who has a turbulent past of her own, consoles him.
The date is over, but the drama is just beginning. On the way back to the house, London takes Daisy to task…
He says that everyone noticed her attitude. That seems like a weird thing for the other guys to admit. London tells Daisy that if she doesn’t like him she should send him home. Daisy whines, “I’m so f***ing sick of guys deciding they don’t want to be here!” As though calculated to drive her as crazy as possible, London flips things up and starts acting too cool for this when he was just agitated a few minutes ago that Daisy didn’t pay full attention to his sob story.
At home, London begins packing his bags, while Daisy sulks.
London is ranting mad at this point, going as far as yelling at the camera guys. He’s not here to make TV…apparently? “I’m a f***ing puppet!” he says, dancing around.
The other guys watch in amazement. As they do, it becomes apparent that Flex is still rocking glitter eye shadow, even though the challenge ended hours ago.
Who’s mad at his father now, Flex?
Back to London. He points at the camera and says…
“I’m Joshua Lee. I’m a real f***ing person, man.” Good thing he reminded me because he was starting to look kind of like a cartoon character. I’m thinking Taz specifically.
Daisy interviews that there’s something there between London and her, because they wouldn’t be having this drama otherwise. She sits him down and they talk it out:
There are tears:
There are declarations of like:
It is here that Daisy talks about kissing all the guys in the house, as posted as the intro to this recap. Go back up to the top and look at that again, because it is truly awesome. Don’t worry, the rest of the recap will be waiting when you return. Look, I’ll put a message in bold so you don’t miss it:
RESUME READING HERE AFTER YOU’VE WIPED THE LAUGHTER TEARS OUT OF YOUR EYES.
Anyway, there’s this tenderness, which is sadly, just for show ultimately:
Daisy tells London not to break her heart. London steps on something and is all, “Did I do thaaaaat?”
The next day, Daisy announces that Chippendaisy needs a rock and roll makeover.
Sometimes Daisy’s ideas are worse than a potato with Egyptian eyes. So while they’re out getting that, Daisy’s going to play Truth or Dare with the other guys.
Chi Chi reveals that he thinks he’d go home over Sinister during a truth round. This is well-played. 12 Pack beats Cage in arm wrestling during a dare.
I feel like dares that don’t involve tongue kissing aren’t really dares. Try harder, guys! When London says he wants a “truth,” Daisy asks him why his dad kicked him out of the house, which is not only inappropriately heavy for a game like this, but inappropriate, period, since he already told her the answer. Damn shiny thing has a supporting role this episode! Wait for the spin-off. Shiny Thing of Love promises to be the most personality-led dating show yet!
Anyway, the question leaves London despondent.
He doesn’t want to answer.
Riki calls a pre-elimination meeting with Daisy. He says, “I see a lot of guys that are bending over,” and immediately, I’m like, HA! But unfortunately, he continues: “…backwards to spend any time with you at all.” His point is that if London wants to leave, she should let him go since there are plenty of guys who are still into her. Yeah, wait till next episode when America’s Next Top Guy Who Wants To Leave Daisy of Love rears his head. Riki basically pleads with Daisy to get rid of London. “The first night! The first night, Daisy!” he says, reminding her of London’s drunken stupor. She wants to keep London. This meeting ends badly.
She has yet another pre-elimination meeting, this time with London.
He tells her he’s not a liar and he’s not fake. She tells him flat out that she’s giving him a chain tonight and hopes that he’ll accept it.
Elimination finds the made over guys returning.
They look like G.L.O.W. It’s seriously sub-Halloween. It seems that in 6 Gauge’s case, they’ve confused rock and roll with the Folsom Street Fair. Pixelate Big Rig and he’d be a Mike Tyson’s Punch Out! reject. (Fox actually offers something funny, when he describes Rig’s hair as “spicy.” I’m not saying it makes sense, and I get the feeling that “spicy” is a euphemism for something much more derogatory, but whatever: funny all the same.) And I’m not even going to talk about the travesty that is Flex’s reduced beauty. Not even gonna talk about it.
Daisy gives them appropriate kudos for being such good sports.
And then: chain distribution. Cage gets his first. Then Chi Chi, 12 Pack, Flex and Big Rig. The next chain is London’s.
London tells her straight-up that he can’t take it. Flex is in disbelief.
Really, Flex? You’re just catching up?
Daisy pleads with him, saying that she wants him to stay. But he doesn’t want to stay. She throws his chain on the floor and, just like last week, storms out of the elimination ceremony.
London interviews that he’s “95 percent sure” that leaving is the right choice. Yeah, she just threw something at you. I think it’s a safe bet. You can’t really tell in the screen shot, although this one’s slightly better…
…but it’s pouring behind him as he signs off and it feels so hair-metal tragic that it makes me want to destroy a neon phone just out of sheer grief.
Daisy, meanwhile, is a wreck. For the third week in a row, a dude has left her show on his own accord.
Riki offers her a pat on the shoulder in consolation.
His attitude is basically, “Whatever. You’ll get over it.” Can’t really blame him for his exasperation.
Anyway, this leaves Sinister, Fox and 6 Gauge in limbo because none of them have gotten their chains yet…
But whatever. One of these guys is just going to end up running away next week and the week after and the week after and then at that point no one will be left. They deserve the limbo in advance.
Oh, and by the way: least uplifting ending to a reality show ever, y/y?