Of all the ridiculous things to happen in this series of ridiculous things, one moment shines just slightly brighter than the rest:
But there’s much, much more where that came from. Believe it!
We’re still early enough in this go ’round of Charm School that it’s OK for the girls to act as recklessly as possible. This is essentially the morning of our semester. Forget what I said in my Daisy of Love recap this week: the best part of waking up is not penis in your cup; it’s bitching in your brew.
Not that you could sleep if you wanted to, for you see:
…the screaming match would prevent that. In footage that seems to have happened when the girls moved into the house (they’re all wearing their pre-uniform outfits), So Hood and Bubbles bicker about rooming together. Well, it’s more like Bubbles exists and So Hood rants at her. Things escalate to the point of So Hood saying, “Shut the f*** up talkin’ to me!” Bay Bay Bay hears this from what seems to be another room, says “Uh oh,” jumps up…
…and proceeds to snap into a Slim Jim (Heather Chadwell™).
Hilariously, Farrah can be spotted in the background finding this, well, hilarious.
Bay Bay Bay essentially backs Bubbles against the wall…
…and soon, there forms a line of girls screaming at Bubbles.
It’s unclear what Bubbles did to drum up such ire. It couldn’t have been worse than a bit of soft shoe or the Cabbage Patch or perhaps rhapsodizing dolphins. But then you know one of the girls would have been like, “I’m not here to make animal friends, be they surf or turf!” Whatever. The point is that even with editing being as confusing as it is in this case, it’s really hard to believe that the girls’ reaction isn’t 10,000 times beyond what Bubbles’ perceived indiscretion called for.
Great question, Brittanya. I’m watching this show and even I couldn’t tell you.
It kind of cools off after Risky announces, “With these three right here, you not gon’ win!”
It’s not right, nor is it OK, but at least it’s over.
It’s almost time for the day’s lesson, but first a mimosa.
I’m so impressed that she chose an appropriate beverage for morning instead of just pounding tequila like you know she wants to. Such a lady, this one!
Today’s commandment is:
The girls convene in the classroom…room, where Lala introduces them to:
Today, they’re focusing on social responsibility.
Social responsibility comes in many forms. Curious wording aside, Bubbles gives a relatively salient lesson in global warming. Not that Ashley cares — she is bored and will continue using aerosol hairspray, anyway. Far be it from anyone to cut her off from the diversion that aerosol provides, ozone be damned. Having a hole on the floor as her toilet while growing up in Brazil traumatized Marcia. That’s fair. Bubbles thinks that poverty isn’t necessarily condemnation to an unhappy existence — she knows people who eat only what they grow and take baths in rivers and “they could be the happiest people.” And I could be a clown with balloons as my man hooters, but I’m not. Just saying. Brittaney Starr once took a stand regarding women’s voting, and look at what a great president we have! I like to think that Brittaney Starr likes to think that she had a major part in Obama’s election.
So that’s the lesson, basically. What I’m taking away from it is that each of these girls is stranger than the last. They’re told to report to their lockers to find their materials for the day. Once up there, they find jumpsuits.
They’re not all this flattering, though. So Hood is just so pretty. Anyway, there are three different colored jumpsuits spread (not so) randomly across the lockers. This effectively splits the girls into three teams of four. On the Green Team is Bay Bay Bay, Farrah, Bubbles and Natasha. On Blue is Risky, Brittanya, Ki Ki and Marcia. Pink is So Hood, Ashley, K.O., and Brittaney Starr.
The girls board the bus, where So Hood takes the opportunity to make a joke about requesting, “Do not resuscitate” if Bubbles were her doctor. Not to further Bubbles’ ridicule, but a more biting joke would have been that if Bubbles were her doctor, she wouldn’t even need to make such a request. Sorry, it’s just that convoluted nastiness is kind of a pet peeve of mine.
They arrive at the site of their challenge, and here’s what they’re faced with:
Sitting amongst the trash are…
…Ricki Lakey, Lala and…
This challenge, plain and simple, is an L.A. River cleanup. The team who does the best per Ricki Lake’s sense (i.e. subjectively) wins and gets put on the Dean’s List. The girls have 15 minutes. And go!
Risky interviews that her strategy is to get lawn chairs, car doors and “all kinds of big things.” I like how she thinks! Ashley, meanwhile, meanders and tries her best to look busy without actually doing anything. She interviews that picking up garbage is worse than giving a lap dance to a fat man. For its striking imagery and its ripped-from-real-life nature, I give this metaphor two nips up! While Ashley complains about the smell, her partner in blondeness, Farrah, steps it up and puts more effort into this challenge than anyone ever would have predicted.
As it winds down, many of the Real Chance girls can be heard complaining about their hair and nails getting messed up. Someone (I think Bay Bay Bay) says, “I think I smell like piss.” That seems like something you’d want to be sure about. And look, regarding this complaining, I’m positive that concern about such issues aren’t just confined to this group. It’s not like there was something in Real and/or Chance’s saliva that made them more sensitive to aesthetic disarray. It’s clear that no matter what the end result looks like, such matters are important in the Rock of Love girls’ lives as well. It’s just that the Real Chance girls are the girls that we hear complaining at this time.
The trash is collected and in the bins:
It looks like a draw, but it turns out that the Green Team are named winners:
And if you’ve tuned in to watch gracious defeat, you’ve come to the wrong network:
Those last words come from Marcia, who interviews that she’s happy with her accomplishments, but “the Real Chance of Girls are complaining about it!” Real Chance of Girls. Now that is the transsexual dating show that I want to see. There’s a lot you could do with that title — I’d take whatever interpretation.
On the bus, Ki Ki complains about pulling out the braids underneath her weave as a result of this challenge. Real girls on real issues, that’s why this show is awesome. K.O., seemingly snitches that Marcia wondered aloud why everyone was complaining. Marcia jumps in and explains that they were there for a reason…
Ki Ki flies into a conniption that is confusing and loud, not to mention amazing. In other words, Ki Ki opens her mouth and the usual comes out.
And if you think she’s getting tired, well, she’s just waking up.
At home by the pool, Bubbles is vexed about being such a target.
With tears in her voice, she says that the Real Chance girls really hurt her with all their comments regarding her intelligence.
Bay Bay Bay does what looks like very arduous interpretive dance in Bubbles’ face and calls her “passive aggressive.” Bay Bay Bay thinks anything that doesn’t involve aggressive jumping jacks and mouth foam is “passive.” Ki Ki interviews that Bubbles’ self-defense annoyed her. Of course it did.
So now Ki Ki’s in there, screaming in Bubbles’ face things like, “You ain’t gon’ out-talk me, bitch. I got a big-ass mouth. My s***’s surround-sound in this motherf***er.”
Well, at least she’s aware of it.
Meanwhile, Marcia has her hair in spikes for no good reason. And you can’t even blame it on tequila, because it seems that she put her hair in spikes to prepare for it, not as a result of it.
At some point, she spills some and then so as not to waste it, rubs it in her leg:
It’s like Leaving Las Vegas, but less hilarious.
Then outside, something kind of terrible happens. Marcia and Farrah sit around a table and So Hood walks by. Marcia calls out to her by saying…
She doesn’t mean it as an insult. I don’t even think she means it as a reference to the place(s) SoHo, because I’m willing to be that Marcia has no idea what that is. So Hood is not in the mood to be called a ho, and so she responds…
Marcia’s excuse is, “I’m bad with names!” She should cut the crap and say, “I’m bad with people!” She continues her bickering with So Hood from across the pool…
…and then from the balcony…
If you haven’t seen this episode, I’m sure you can still imagine how Shakespearean the whole setting is. Wasn’t it William S., himself who first uttered the words said by Marcia as she stumbles into the house: “Why everybody so for real dude?” Yes, indeed. I think it was.
Not to be outdone in the realm of bitchiness, Ashley interviews about what fun it is to tease Brittaney Starr, the craziest person she’s ever met. And as a stripper in Vegas, I get the feeling that Ashley’s brushed up on her share of crazies. Farrah and Ashley laugh about this, and she suggests they both go punch Brittaney in the ass. A cheek for each fist, just like grandma used to do!
We see footage of Brittaney entering the bathroom with some…contraption.
The extras suggest that this is an enema. I cannot confirm either way, I’m happy to report.
Ashley and Farrah mess with B.S. for a while…
And then they notice that there is a lock on the outside of the bathroom door. There it is, just sitting there, waiting to oppress someone. And who are Ashley and Farrah to pass up an opportunity? They lock her in and wait for her to freak out.
It doesn’t take long. Brittaney kicks on the door and pleads to be let out. She gets to the point of begging to be slipped a magazine under the door. Whoa, submission. That’s pathetic enough to really make me feel for her.
Ashley and Farrah continue to torment her, at one point, sliding a hot dog under the door…
The hot dog becomes somewhat skinned by the door in the process, making it even more disgusting than I ever thought a hot dog could be. These girls are so full of surprises! And here’s another one:
Well, excuse me!
Just kidding. It’s a fire extinguisher that Brit has sprayed to…I don’t know why. Because it would be dramatic is always a good default explanation for any of these girls’ behavior, so I’m gonna go with that.
Now that that’s over, it’s time for Farrah and her exposed ass to get some sleep.
Except, there’s a problem:
A bug and some crumbs have been planted in her bed! Woe is Farrah’s exposed ass. She approaches Brittaney to hand her hers.
It’s not a scorpion or even a plastic scorpion, even, but whatever. Brittaney admits to it and says Farrah can remedy the situation by just shaking out her sheets. Well, Brittaney is an expert on eating in bed, so she’d know. Farrah tosses at her what looks like a cucumber with a weave track wrapped around it:
Aw, cute. Farrah starts threatening Brittaney, and so Brittaney pulls out the big guns, if you will:
I love that her bed hoarding has now expanded to include hardware. Do not be surprised if we find out in a later episode that Brittaney Starr is using a table saw as a pillow.
Everyone’s threats turn out to be as empty as an expired fire extinguisher.
The next day, Bay Bay Bay tells Brittaney they want to put her through “the initiation process.” The Real Chance girls are essentially taking her under her wing. Since detention requires voting, this show is something of a numbers game. And what better place to practice for future I Love Money seasons than Charm School? That’s what I always say, anyway. So Hood tells Brittaney: “Next time they say something to you, just say, ‘Kiss my black ass.’ Even though you white, just say, ‘Kiss my black ass.’” That ought to get people nice and confused! Confusing people seems to be what the Real Chance girls are all about.
Brittaney takes this lesson extremely seriously, jotting down various hilarity:
Ki Ki strategizes about splitting her clique’s vote between Ashley and Marcia. Brittaney approves saying that she wants all of the Rock of Love bitches out of there except for herself. I never would have gotten that if she hadn’t qualified. Thanks, Brit!
Brittaney, awesomely, leans off the balcony and screams at Ashley, Marcia and Brittanya, “KISS MY BLACK ASS!”
Shockingly, no one takes her up on this command.
Elimination looms, but before that, Ricki wants to talk with some of the girls.
Brittaney tells Ricki of the bathroom incident, and that it involved the girls calling her fat. Whether she knows that this will appeal to Ricki’s sympathy on a very basic level is too hard to call. I wouldn’t put conniving past any of these girls at any point, though.
Marcia interviews again about her clashing with the “Real Chance of Girls.” That’s never not going to be funny. She also cries about her dealings with Ki Ki.
Ricki can’t help but wonder if Marcia’s drinking is adding to her problems.
Bubbles talks about being terrorized, but she’s afraid to name names. She won’t reveal anything until Ricki pinky swears that Bubbles’ name will not be mentioned.
Ricki seems to decline. Maybe because she’s not bound to any dean-student confidentiality, maybe because pinky-swearing is ridiculous. Hard to say.
Risky talks about the stuff that went down without incriminating herself. “I’m always right there,” is how she puts it. Risky is tricky!
The girls vote for whom they think should hit the carpet. Brittaney Starr gets the ball rolling in the least surprising of places:
Those exclamation points are extremely effective. Then it goes like this: K.O. votes for Marcia, Brittanya votes for Ki Ki, and so on, with each Real Chance girl voting for Marcia and each Rock of Love girl voting for Ki Ki.
Back in the room, Ki Ki rants. Again, it falls on confused ears.
The girls up for expulsion are:
At last, something that isn’t confusing. When Ashley’s asked why she’s there she cites the Brittaney-bathroom incident. Correct! Marcia says that there’s a division between the Rock of Love and Real Chance girls. She says the Rock of Love girls try to get along with everyone, but they’re always getting yelled at. She’s so right. If you put a water gun to my head and told me to name the first two words that came to mind regarding the Rock of Love Bus girls, “hospitable” and “meek” would be the two. Totally. Kiki says she’s on the carpet because she embraced someone the Rock of Love girls hate (i.e. Brittany Starr). You say “embraced,” I say, “adopted as a pawn,” whatever! Anyway, this is at least plausible.
As Ki Ki is explaining herself, Marcia raises her hand. Without raising her voice, Ki Ki firmly asks Marcia to let her talk. Farrah takes exception to this.
Marcia uses Ki Ki’s reaction to her attempt at interruption as evidence of her point. “This is what I’m talking about!” she says. So Hood starts talking about how the Rock of Love girls just want to drink. Farrah interrupts her and then they bicker a little and Farrah says, “I’m done with this! I’m out!” Ashley agrees and follows her.
And then so does Marcia!
Ricki is left speechless…
And Ki Ki’s all…
“Told ya so.”
Then Brittanya takes the Real Chance girls to task, saying they’re just as wrong as Ashley, Farrah and Marcia are for leaving.
Basically, everybody hates everybody and no one’s ashamed to admit it. Ah, open communication lines. Such a gift. Such a curse.
In her room, Farrah and Ashley packs up. Ashley says that this show has become Real Chance of Love, and she didn’t sign up for Real Chance of Love. To be fair, the hair here isn’t silky enough for this to be Real Chance of Love. Ricki comes in and Farrah tells her she’s losing her mind.
With her soothing words, Ricki seems to convince everyone to stay.
Meanwhile, Lala talks to the others in the detention hall.
Lala worries about the divide in the house becoming a black/white thing. That’s especially problematic now that Brittaney Starr’s ass is black. So Hood says something about the Rock of Love girls taking showers together. Really, if they didn’t invite you, that’s kinda none of your business. Unless their activity is clogging up the drain.
Eventually, everyone reconvenes in the elimination room…
Ricki’s quick about things. Because she’s hindering the girls’ learning and “driving groups apart,” Ki Ki is leaving. So Hood and Bay Bay Bay look shocked.
Ki Ki talks major crap on her way out.
Hey, at least she’s true to herself.
After that, we see So Hood crying and changing and threatening to leave.
Between the last three episodes of Daisy of Love and all these girls threatening to drop out of Charm School, it’s clear that on VH1, leaving is soooooooooo this season.
Before we get anything conclusive re: this, we’re told:
It’s funny when they see fit to tell us this because when are these shows not to be continued? Even their finales promise as much!