Best picture of all time?
As we open, the house is still reverberating from London’s departure. Daisy sulks in bed.
I mean, I think she’s sad about London. It could be that she just found out that the Tooth Fairy isn’t real or that her stuffed bear isn’t really a bear at all or that ice cream isn’t ice or that you can’t wear rainbows in your hair. Always a tough call with her.
The guys, too, are pissy. They all feel second best (or something) after watching how hard Daisy took London’s leave. As they discuss this, Chi Chi complains about the guys’ chatter because he’s trying to sleep. Um, going on reality TV for some rest is about as foolhardy as going on to make friends. Funnily enough, in his quest for rest, Chi Chi ends up making enemies. See what happens when you mess with the reality of reality? Cage bickers with him…
…and then takes the opportunity to get his catharsis on…
It sounds like he’s saying, “Right the f*** now is not the f***in’ time to f*** with me,” as he’s rocking Chi Chi’s cradle of love, but it’s hard to be sure with all the bleeps. He also knocks Chi Chi’s hat off his head…
This is enough to raise a red flag regarding Cage’s stability, but by the time the episode’s over, he’ll practically be leading a color guard.
In gentler news, Big Rig has prepared a breakfast of Fig Newtons for Daisy.
He says he found out that they’re Daisy’s favorite cookie. So when someone says, “Ew, Fig Newtons. Who likes those?” at least now we have an answer.
Daisy notes that Big Rig’s gesture shows her that someone around there besides Riki cares about her. Heh. You know, the best thing about Daisy’s childlike ways are that even if by accident and no matter the inappropriate implications, she tends to end up saying what we’re all thinking.
Challenge! Today, the guys will more or less art direct a photo shoot. Good thing that at this point, they all have a dependence on cosmetics that rivals Jay Manuel’s. They’ll direct and (in some cases) pose with Daisy for a shot for the cover of her single “Pretty Messed Up.” Helping judge things will be this photographer:
Helping color things will be the mentioned (but not present) Tish and Snookie from Manic Panic. With names like those, you’d think that they’d already been through VH1’s televised dating-and-dumping process. They’re here in spirit, certainly.
The first team will consist of Big Rig, Chi Chi, 12 Pack and Cage. The other will include Fox, Flex, Sinister and 6 Gauge. Sinister is particularly excited, because he already did his own album cover with his band and thus is an expert. The show gives him not just his own Fox-like theme in the style of Peter Frampton — it goes one better to hypothesize what his album cover would look like:
Ooh, editors, I love your way.
The exercise calls for one guy to photograph, one guy to style, one guy to art direct (even though, as previously noted, they’re all doing this job for better or orange) and one to model. Unsurprisingly, they all want to model. Watching the disappointment of the six (really five) who won’t get to is pretty much worth the price of a TiVo season pass. Never mind that if you are a TiVo subscriber, that is free.
In an attempt to tailor the look of the shoot to the content of Daisy’s work, Team 1 examines her lyrics.
They apparently contain the line, “Living in the world of a make believe glamorous silver self-deceit.” Didn’t Genesis say that first and more simply via “Land of Confusion?” There’s also a line about “finding love on the silver screen.” 12 Pack says that silver screen is “’50s pin-up doll type.” Chi Chi doesn’t care because his job is wardrobe. Quick, everyone just say words at each other and if they happen to be belligerent: all the better.
Sinister, meanwhile, implores his team to find “the most ’80s spot in the house.” They decide on this:
I would have at least looked at Daisy’s underwear drawer before settling. Fox wants things to be “as dark as possible but as bright as possible.” Quick, everyone just say words at each other…oh wait. That’s what they’re doing. Good work, guys. Carry on.
After they’ve devised, they have an hour to work on Daisy. Group 1’s creation looks like this:
It’s the whole silver-screen thing via Marilyn Monroe. Their shoot ranges in tone from tongue-in-cheek…
…with the vast emphasis on the latter. It’s to such a degree that Big Rig gets pissed…
…and trucks his ass right off the set, leaving Chi Chi to pick up the slack.
Because, if there’s one thing we’ve learned so far, it’s that when one guy drops out of anything, another will gladly take his place. That’s kind what happens when you have a group competing for a common goal. Big shock, I know.
So that’s done. Next comes Team 2. Fox, the stylist, immediately dismisses the hair dresser since he does that himself. He wants Daisy to have “the heroin look,” which is unfortunate for a variety of reasons. He starts clipping on extensions to hair, hurting Daisy in the process. She asks for retribution in the form of a kiss.
Though you get the feeling that they would have done this either way.
What a hell of a stylist he is.
Meanwhile, 12 Pack gloats about essentially already having had a date with Daisy via the make-out session he turned the photo shoot into. He gloats like he’s doing an impression of John Travolta doing an impression of 12 Pack.
Back at Team 2’s shoot, Daisy looks “rocker” in the same way that Barbie did when she fronted …and the Rockers.
Hardcore! Everything’s going great, as Daisy and Flex pass gum back and forth in the style of, as it’s noted without irony, Lady and the Tramp.
Guess who’s the lady!
But then Fox, who obviously couldn’t stand the fact he wasn’t given the model role (since being named for your supposed good looks must do something to one’s sense of entitlement), begins directing, telling Flex to hold the guitar. “It’s not my album cover,” replies Flex. Wow. Grounded. If only these guys applied humility like they do eyeliner, the house would be a much more pleasant place. But since they don’t, Fox cannot deal any longer and he jumps in the shot:
Flex interviews that Fox jumped in “on my parade.” Oh, so it wasn’t humility; it was Flex confusing album covers with parades. I’ve done that before, too, so I can’t really dis him. They wrap up and it’s photo-selection time. Fox is ticked off a shot of him isn’t chosen. If he realized how unattractive arrogance is would he continue to exhibit it? Does the Pope wear Prada?
The guys present their final shots:
Team 1’s description of their shot naturally leads Fox to ask, “Who’s Marilyn Monroe?” Whatever, if you were that beautiful, you’d spend all your time looking in the mirror instead of watching TV, reading, listening to anything and/or generally absorbing the most surface elements of the past 60 years of American pop culture. Fox also handles the walk through of his group’s photo, and he attempts to sell it by saying, “Everything is in well-proportioned.” Then why does the language seem so lopsided?
Daisy, meanwhile, looks…
…pretty, messed up.
Still hates his dad.
Anyway, Daisy picks Team 2’s shot since Team 1’s is too classy for what she obviously goes for. She also selects Fox as the challenge’s MVP, despite his primary role as a burden in everything he decided to meddle. You know, Daisy can pick whomever she wants to spend time with because, duh, it’s her show, but can she at least pretend to reward on the basis of these ridiculous challenges that are in place to gel her show? The extensions are controlling the weave…or something.
Their immediate one-on-one takes place in Daisy’s room, which is made to look like a very inexpensive episode of Wonder Woman.
During their time sitting in their tent, Fox actually says to Daisy, “I cut hair.” Now, he’s mentioned his career as a hairdresser about a half-dozen times this episode, but most of them were in the context of interviews, so I just figured they were being used and reused to make him seem ridiculously repetitive. Now I’m not so sure.
Fox also says that he wants someone who will go out when he says he’s going out and that makes him say, “Wow,” in the back of his head. The back of my head just shot itself in the head. It picked up the pieces and put itself back together so that I could truly appreciate what Fox says next: “I think we’re a power couple.” Unless he’s suggesting they put their fingers in sockets, logic prevents me from even hypothesizing what he could mean. Fox continues to speak in vague sentence fragments, and this eventually leads to some making out.
At last, a good use for Fox’s tongue.
All along, Cage has been upset about how everything went down. He takes it sort of soulfully, which is better than whine-fully. Bully for him! (I mean that literally, considering what is about to happen.) After her tongue bacchanal with Fox, Daisy approaches Cage for being distant. He’s still distant. Whatever, at least he’s consistent.
Then, she seems to go to bed, and 12 Pack lets us know that the guys were hanging out in the Jacuzzi in their tighty whities with no further explanation. As though that’s not exciting enough, the boys soon receive a visitor that will really give them something to do:
It gets inside and then shows its skunky bits…
Well, when in Rome…
If boredom makes you do dumb things, and fancying yourself as “alpha” makes you do dumber, if you combine the two and multiply it by 8, you get what happens next.
The guys decide to oust the skunk. 12 Pack attempts to enclose it in a trash can, but gets “pissed on,” to hear him tell it.
Thus, Celebreality makes its foray into golden showers. I knew one day it would happen, I just had no idea it would happen like this.
12 begins scrubbing himself…
…and then the smell causes Big Rig to start throwing up…
…and then Flex starts throwing up because Big Rig’s throwing up. And then 12 Pack joins in. Mob mentality, you just got queasy. Also in the process, 12 dumps tomato juice on himself…
Finally, Big Rig and his gigantus (Daisy™) ass crack are able to catch and remove the skunk, thanks to his being Southern and all.
Next week, Big Rig teaches us how to cook up rigor mortis stew! Cage says the skunk was a nice distraction that made him happy again. Like even the most tenacious stench, though, this is bound to pass.
The next day finds Daisy taking her dudes on their date. They go to an indoor skate park. No one is excited, since none of them can skate.
This method is called butt boarding. Surprisingly, it is frowned upon.
Then they eat. Daisy calls out 6 Gauge for being distant. All this talk of distance is making me grow despondent. She and 6 have a one-on-one and he explains that he’s been distant because he spends a lot of time in bartending school. Or something.
On the way home, Flex talks about seeing 6 Gauge’s pierced penis. Oh, OK, then. That must have happened when they were hanging out in the Jacuzzi in their tighty whities, as it does. 6 then shows Daisy and…
…looks like someone could use a little distance right about now. Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone?
Then, more hanging out, but this time, there’s no underwear involved. Damn it! Cage is drunk enough to pick up the rubber laurel Fox had wore on his one-on-one date with Daisy from the fire Flex just threw it in. When he does this, part of the burning rubber drips off of it onto Flex, burning him. To make it up to Flex, Cage offers:
Yeah, because kicking ass is like Neosporin for the soul. Flex doesn’t take Cage up on this offer, which causes Cage to question his manhood. He’s really invested in making things up to Flex, huh?
The tension rises as the guys sit inside, waiting for elimination to start. Cage heckles 6 Gauge, saying he’s going home tonight. 6 Gauge makes note of Cage’s drunkenness and Cage says, “Watch how sober I get!”
Oh yeah, bar-fight drama is soooooo sober-looking. The two are wrestled apart before any blows are thrown, and Flex ends up grabbing Cage from behind.
This puts Cage in a state that Fox describes as “furiated.” I am ticipating Fox’s inevitable book in the worst way. Those two are quickly wrestled apart, as well.
Daisy meets with Cage before elimination.
Daisy wonders what can be done about this situation of Cage feeling like he needs to pulverize everyone he sees for the most oblique of reasons. The only way that Cage will be at ease is if he gets to finish what started with Flex. He suggests that he and Flex de-mic, walk to the bottom of the hill and see who comes back. That’s how they’ll determine who gets to stay. Um, how ’bout…no?
Even Daisy can grasp how ridiculous this is. She interviews that, “This is called Daisy of Love, not Daisy of Kill.” It’s actually kind of Daisy of Suicide, since the guys are offing themselves. And lo! The chance for it to happen once again: Daisy gives Cage a choice: stay with a vow of nonviolence or leave.
But not hard enough. Cage is going on his own accord:
Daisy gives him some speech about not tolerating violence, though she isn’t exactly what I would call hard-line. This is Cage’s doing, and so, for the fourth week in a row, a guy has effectively dropped out of this competition. Impressive! At least Daisy doesn’t have to make any hard decisions anymore — they’re being made for her. How considerate!
Meanwhile, the other guys are all lined up for elimination. Daisy finally addresses them, explaining that Cage had to go.
“I grew up with violence in my own life, and that’s not something I condole,” she says. She misused the word “condole,” (ironically, it is something she’d condole per the condolences she just gave Cage), but since she seems so upset, I’ll give her a pass this time.