Charm School Recap – Episode 4 – Swimwitted


Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water…


Now, in addition to worrying that crabs are going to bite my feet and sharks are going to bite my head off, I have to worry about Bubbles biting my butt. Great.

As we proceed, Brittaney washes dishes while wondering if she’s trying to fit in a place where she, in fact, doesn’t.


She doesn’t think she’s cut out for this. She’s right — her dialogue just spoiled the outcome of this episode. Fail!

Meanwhile, Marcia’s concerned about fitting in, too — fitting alcohol in her st0mach.


Ashley predicts that Marcia is going to get wasted tonight.


Just call Ashley Nostradaaaaaamnus.

We see some of Marcia’s drunken antics. In the screen shot above, she’s burping. In the one below, she’s crabbing.


Just kidding. She’d need a bigger trap. Actually, in this shot, Marcia is sarcastically checking her suit for an “extra wine glass” that Bubbles just asked if anyone had. I love that even toasted Marcia is still swift to Bubbles’ nonsense.

Bubbles swims and, much to Bubbles’ delight, Marcia says she’s going to join her.


Bubbles’ joy is interrupted when she realizes that Marcia intends to do this without clothes on.


No, not topless, though!” Bubbles squeals as Marcia disrobes. She sounds like Lisa Simpson waking up from that dream about being sentenced to a “lesser” Ivy League school (“Not Brown! Brown! Brown!”). Despite Bubbles’ protests, Marcia joins her in the pool. Bubbles interviews that it’s OK, she just knows not to swim close to Marcia. Doesn’t she know that nudity is are waterborne? She’s gonna catch it!

The next day, the girls are told to check their lockers, where they find sweats. Bubbles must really be into soft cotton because what we see after she puts the clothes on is like The History of Dance, except actually good. It’s seriously a montage of awesome:


And, who’s up for reggae because Bubbles has songs, too.


Forget about cartoon voices, give this woman a one-woman show now. Much as they did with Edie Beale, people would show up for the mindf*** of it all.

Today’s commandment:


Leading the lesson this commandment is based on is this guy:


He basically conducts a third-grade level health class. It’s not even fourth grade because, as far as we know, sex isn’t discussed. B-b-b-but who’s explain gonads to Bubbles, then?


Per an informal survey, almost all of the girls drink. Well, you don’t say. I think the last time I was witness to a discovery so profound was after I picked my nose a few hours ago. I hope you don’t find it too distasteful that I’m patting myself on the back. Marcia apparently takes 10 tequila shots on an average Sunday. What a nun! K.O smokes sometimes. I know, I know. I’m seriously a gatekeeper of fascinating information. Stop thanking me! You’re making me blush. Natasha interviews that she wants “Darth Vader Ashley and Skanktanya” to become chain-smoking alcoholics so that they die quicker. Looks like someone’s in need of Bay Bay Bay’s passive-aggressive teachings!

Dr. Robert also tells the girls that eating fast food is bad. What about sticking forks in toasters? Hitting your head on hard surfaces? Glue traps? Can we at least do that, or…?

Then he asks the girls if they want to work out. They don’t, with good reason. He calls up the most reluctant of the group, Ashley and asks her if she’s flexible. “Why, what do you wanna do?” she snaps back. What she lacks in fitness, she makes up for in linguistic agility.


She says her boobs are too heavy for her to be able to do push-ups. I believe it. Meanwhile, Brittaney can do a split.


At least there are some things heavy boobs don’t prevent. It’s all about finding what you’re good at.

Stryker tells the girls they’re going to be passing this knowledge onto others. The only people who don’t have this knowledge are pre-verbal. Ooh! I hope the girls will be leading a lesson on fetal-robics today!

They pull up to the Y, and meet this guy:


As you can tell by his hoodie, he runs an organization called Buff Buddies. Buff buddies, huh? I’ve had a few of those in my time. Anyway, in three groups of three, the girls are going to devise fitness plans for the children of Buff Buddies. The kids will be wearing calorie counters and whoever’s team burns the most calories is on the Dean’s List. Natasha interviews that she hates children to the point where she feels, “Like, grow up already.” I was going to make some joke that they can’t really control their growing up, whereas Natasha can, but she turns out to be darling with them, so this is obviously a joke. And it’s funny! Really. I’m laughing. You can’t see it, but my fingers are actually trembling with finger-giggles.

The captains are Risky, Bubbles and Natasha. Here’s how their choices fall:




They get to work. Risky devises an obstacle course and ends up wearing herself out.


That’s how you can tell it works!

Meanwhile, on the Blue Team, there is strife. Bubbles suggests they have the kids wear swim rings and “swim” on the floor. She also wants the kids to “swim in the air.” In addition to literally, it would appear that Bubbles now figuratively has water on the brain. She suggests putting down those same swim rings and have the children hop through them like tires in a boot camp. If you predicted that Ashley would enjoy Bubbles’ whimsy…


…you don’t know Ashley very well. “Bubbles!” she barks. “Your activity is bouncing on a ball to a trampoline and swimming in the air!”


“Why would the kids swim? Why would they do that?” wonders Ashley. Bubbles says it’s because kids do silly things. Not sillier than adults, per every second of this show. Not by a long shot. To wit, Bubbles believes that there are “too many chiefs and not enough Indians” in their group. I think the only way they’re going to negotiate this is by contract. Bubbles should trace her hand and draw a turkey and then they can all sign it.

Bubbles, by the way, is really convinced that her analogy is sound, for she repeats it in an interview:


I feel like she could never be an Indian,” says Bubbles on Ashley. So no Cher-styled Vegas act for Ashley then. Aw, nuts.

Meanwhile, Natasha and K.O argue, but it’s nowhere nearly as reminiscent of Thanksgiving and or Pocahontas.


When planning time is up, the kids flood in:


Natasha greets them with an ultrasonic wail.


Just kidding. She’s actually surprisingly good with them, considering all the complaining she does, like saying they’re only cute from a distance. Actually, that’s true because from a distance, you can’t smell them.

The 30 minutes of calorie burning kicks off. It can be best summarized in this gif:


A star is born, obviously.

By Bubbles’ lead, her team does a bunch of weird and crazy crap:




I don’t know what her obsession with sea creatures is, but it’s really freakin’ weird,” interviews Ashley. Though Ashley clearly finds Bubbles more irritating than endearing, she can at least appreciate her from a humor standpoint, right? I mean, Bubbles is giving her such amazing material!

Natasha’s philosophy is to “run ‘em to death.” Ah, nurturing done Gunnery Sergeant Hartman style. I like that. Meanwhile, Brittaney enthuses that via the children, she’s peeping into her future, since she’s into having kids or whatever now. We then see a child the played catch with interview…


“My favorite part of today was throwing the ball back and forth with the old lady.” May she be blessed with a similar bundle of joy honesty. May we all.

Time’s up!


In total, the kids burned 831 calories! Just 400 more and one of them can guiltlessly eat at Chipotle! The Blue Team burned 252. And here I thought swimming was a big calorie-burner! Green did 280, and Red ended up with 299. Red wins!

After, the girls stand around presumably waiting for their bus or whatever. Bubbles again says there were too many chiefs on her team, this time to Bay Bay Bay. She’s really, really proud of that metaphor and obviously she’s going to tell anyone who she thinks missed it. Bubbles is worried since she “has a feeling” the captain of the losing team goes home. I have a feeling Bubbles hasn’t been paying too much attention to how this stuff works. Meanwhile, Ashley rants about her challenge experience:


Bubbles confronts Ashley on the slander.


Ashley tells Bubbles to “shut the f*** up” and “go away.” She adds that talking to Bubbles is like talking to a retarded child. Talent and editors alike seem scandalized by this comment. The shots slow down and the soundtrack intones serious booms. I, for one, am not surprised that Ashley said it given a) the circumstances, and b) that she’s Ashley. Marcia clutches her pearls in an interview and explains that Bubbles is “just youthful.” Speaking of pearls, I think Bubbles is rubbing Asian Pearl Cream on her brain. Ashley dismisses Bubbles by saying, “Go swim somewhere!”


“I’m gonna swim in the pool later,” Bubbles answers back. The kid’s all right!

Anyway, when Bubbles gets home, she moves out of the room she’s been sharing with Ashley and Brittanya. She takes her ladybug costume, whose existence I wasn’t informed of until this point. I want to know more about this ladybug costume, while Brittanya wants to know more about what accompanies it:


Marcia also moves out, leaving a mattress in the middle of the floor:


With all the moving away from her, Ashley wonders if she farted. Nope, that smell is just your soul rotting. Easy mistake.

And just in case you think that Marcia’s protest over the “retarded child” thing signifies a humanitarian streak, she ends up taking Brittaney’s bed.


Marcia’s answer is, “It was Ki Ki’s bed.” Oh yeah, per Ki Ki’s tooth-sucking during her last televised exchange with Marcia, I think it’s clear that Ki Ki would want her to have it. Instead of throwing a raging fit like most would in this house, Brittaney’s just like…



In the interest of calming down, Brittaney calls her boyfriend.


She tells him she’s in a house of people she’d never hang out with in real life. Yeah, that’s kind of the way social experiments work! “I’m trying to fit in with a bunch of these little teenyboppers,” she adds. Meanwhile, Risky and Bay Bay Bay eavesdrop…


“I’m trying to wait on her to say the wrong thing,” says Risky. Oh, don’t go looking for trouble or anything. God, these people are bored. Brittaney says something about not hanging 0ut with 22-year-olds or whatver, and that’s when Bay Bay Bay snaps into a Slim Jim, stomping in to announce, “I’m a grown-ass woman out here!”


Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce you to the first woman in history to be made upset by someone mistaking her for being younger than she is. These girls are innovators always.

I don’t even know what this fight is about. Bay Bay Bay thinks if Brittaney is so much older, she doesn’t act like it. “Start acting your age and not your shoe size,” she says. OK, Prince. Bay Bay Bay thinks Brittaney plays the victim. Accusing people of playing the victim is becoming an act of aggression on this show. The snake would be eating its tail if its gums weren’t busy flapping. Bay Bay Bay also suggests that Brittaney take her ass home if she doesn’t fit in. Brittaney agrees that she’s ready to go. Well, that was easy.


The fight moves into another room, when Risky confronts Brittaney about her comments. She wonders why Brittaney tries to do what they do if they’re teenyboppers. Duh, because she’s out of Asian Pearl Cream! Brittaney stammers something and Risky says, “Don’t yell at me if I’m not yellin’ at you!”

Brittaney rises to her feet to meet Risky head-on and Risky retorts…


“Don’t jump up, either!” Risky is the boss apparently. Somewhere, Tony Danza at last weeps.

Risky interviews that she wishes Farrah and Ashley would have kept Brittaney locked in the bathroom. Seriously? After all the, “No fair!” post-Ki Ki discussions…seriously? I mean, seriously?


Anyway, now that Brittaney is twice-displaced, she ends up sleeping on some wicker in the locker room:


Ashley, whose heart apparently bleeds backhandedly, interviews that seeing this made her feel bad: seeing “someone so big sleeping on such a small couch” made her sad. Awwww, she really cares…about being insulting at every turn.

And so, a plan is hatched:


And so that’s just what she does. Brittaney, who’s clearly wilting from a lack of human contact, springs to life and fills with fluid. “I go to the bathroom a lot during the night ’cause I drink a lot of water, so…” she explains on why she’d like a bottom bunk.


If the prospect of sleeping in the same room as a urine-soaked mattress bothers Ashley, you can’t tell:


Brittaney interviews that she Ashley has shown a great change and that she’s certain that this gesture wasn’t fake. Brittaney, of course, didn’t see Ashley’s face when she left the room. Makes all the difference.

Brittaney meets with Ricki to discuss the events of the house…


She talks about her progress with Ashley, but, per the conversation she had with Ash before entering Ricki’s office, Marcia still poses a problem. She got wasted again and shows no signs of wanting to change.

Next in is Bubbles.


She thinks Ashley is mean and unwilling to change. She also brings up the “retarded child” comment, and again it’s kind of mourned and moaned about. But articulately and with words, of course.

Back in the room, Marcia screws her hand up like it’s a monkey’s paw and asks Ashley who she’s voting for.


“I’m voting for you,” says Ashley. Marcia’s all, “FINE!” She turns toe and runs out. In response, Ashley laughs and says…


I’m a byiiiitch. Get over it.” Never! I refuse to get over it. That would take all the fun out of everything.

Detention comes. Brittaney votes for Marcia, Ashley for Marcia, Marcia for Ashley, Bay Bay Bay for Brittaney, Risky for Brittaney and Bubbles votes for Ashley. The biggest news?


For the first time in history, someone has spelled Brittaney’s name right!

The Bottom 3 should be obvious from that voting:


Now it’s the saving-face portion of the show. Ashley says that Bubbles had a reason for voting her down there, and she’s working on her meanness. Ricki wonders if she’s just saying that ’cause she’s down there. She’s not, Ashley assures her. I believe her. Ashley would never do anything sneaky or underhanded. Marcia admits that she has been drinking, but she promised not to get into arguments and she hasn’t. Except when she called Ashley “fake” in detention. But, hey, the sparse word use almost guaranteed it wouldn’t escalate. That’s economical! Brittaney says that she wants people to like her so much that it comes out as fake. That’s a lot to admit. Once again, Brittaney Starr has a naked moment of honesty. Risky, however, thinks she’s lying. So she’s fake about being fake? Wouldn’t that make her real? This is like the two-doors scene in Labyrinth except with stranger characters.

Lala’s confused: Brittaney seems so genuine, yet everyone has problems with her. Is Brittaney Starr the victim or the instigator? Only her hairdresser knows for sure. Ashley, meanwhile, interviews that she should stay. “Obviously, I’m changing. I accepted Brittaney Starr, didn’t I?” She can barely contain her eyes from rolling out of reflex.

Brittaney’s going home: Ricki tells her, “You are who you are,” and that Charm School may not be the right place for her.


Brittaney doesn’t seem too torn up. She thinks it’s a shame that America thinks she’s a “crazy, psycho bitch, which maybe I’m a little psycho, but…” Psycho enough to purport to think what America thinks when she hasn’t even seen the finished product of the show yet. Yeah. She also informs us that she’s ready to go home and start a family and that she’s getting nookie when she goes home.

I’ll leave you with that imagery and let you draw your own conclusions on what it means for the future.

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