Brooke Knows Best 2 Recap - Episode 3 - Not Everybody Want To Make Kiss

Ah, nothing like dudes who aren’t afraid to be slimy…

Where would VH1 be without them?

Spoiler alert!

We begin with Ashley and Glenn cooling out in a club, when some weirdo decides to send them champagne.

Except, it turns out, he’s not sending it to them, he’s sending it to her.

It also turns out that he is Shanice.

I doubt he can rap as well as her, but he can certainly talk.

He has a proposal for Ashley. You might even call it indecent. This weekend, he’s having a “special party in my yacht.” That’s an assertion that turns out to be both literal and euphemistic. He wants Ashley to make an appearance with her roommate. But not the boy one.

The red flags are waving, but Ashley’s maybe a little tipsy and cross-eyed so they seem like they’re just standing still. He offers Brooke and Ashley a hefty sum of cash for their services…

This guy, who we come to find out is named Orlando, says that to him $20,000 is “nothing.” A poster boy for these economically tumultuous times he is! Ashley says she’ll have to think about the offer, to which he says:

He adds menacingly…

That’s probably especially menacing if you are dyslexic.

The next day, over a Brooke-made breakfast, Ashley tells Brooke about the appearance proposal…

Brooke is wary, but Ashley is persistent. Brooke would like to get paid to tan, but these things usually go through a booking agent. Since the red flags are not yet literally flapping her in the face, though, she eventually relents.

Three days later, they report to duty. Ashley and Brooke are paid upfront and…

…in cash! Brooke is suspicious. “No appearance that I’ve ever done has ever given me cash,” she says. Seriously? No reality star I’ve ever talked to about appearances hasn’t been paid in cash. Maybe it’s a status thing. “Cash is usually shady!” Brooke notes, but eventually the smell of it seems to win her over.

They’re staying.

They proceed upstairs where they note the general lack of…people. Two guys and six girls and that’s it.

“This is all you need!” says Orlando’s equally skeevy friend in sunglasses. Things go from creepily uncomfortable…

…to Rock of Love comfortable. Brooke gawks and says, “Those two girls are kissing!” Yeah, remind you of anyone you know? Such as yourselves?

Orlando eventually thrusts his crotch by Ashley’s head…

Aw, affection. They also discuss professions with the other girls on the boat. We have a go-go dancer, a bartender and a student all on board. If that sounds like a bad joke and a porno rolled into one, well, it is. One part benefits the reality show, one part benefits Orlando. Orlando, at this point, is in “desperate” need of oil being squirted on him. One of girls who’s more eager to please than Brooke and Ashley complies.

Then Orlando attempts to forcibly involve Brooke and Ashley in the fun…

“This is getting weird,” notes Ashley. You don’t say! Well, what she lacks in intuition, she makes up for in observation.

There is then a sandwich orgy…

I know that Brooke and Ashley are all freaked out by this, but I seriously would give my fingernails to witness this kind of extreme behavior in person.

I mean, whipped creams on abs! How over-the-top is that!

Orlando eventually hoists Ashley over his shoulder and smacks her on the ass.

She scampers off, saying she was just “startled.” Yeah, a greasy dude smacking your upturned butt will do that.

Orlando notes that Brooke’s just playing hard to get. She plays harder by escaping to the cabin.

They first settle on the bed, but then realize that there are mirrors over it and so flee in disgust. Lechery exists at every angle on this thing! “This is a clusterf***,” observes Brooke. Pessimist! Orlando eventually catches up with them and knocks on the door.

When they finally open the door, Orlando introduces them to the charms of his “nightclub”…

They are not impressed. As they’re fleeing him, Orlando unleashes the most ridiculous quote in his episode-long series of ridiculous quotes…

There are a lot of things about that sentence that suggest that Oralando’s world view is skewed.

Brooke and Ashley question the captain regarding their whereabouts…

They’re in the Bahamas and four hours away from Miami. Yipes!

They soon dock unexpectedly. “I’m not staying here and being a high-class hooker anymore!” The “anymore” really makes that sentence sing. Brooke gives Orlando his money back…

…and tells him that they they must go because “something came up.” Kudos for removing themselves from the situation, but I do wish that they could have been a little more direct about their reasons since Orlando was in the wrong and they’re totally justified to hand him his ass. I wonder if they’d generate a collective backbone if they were paid $20,000 to do so?

As a last-ditch effort to woo them, Orlando calls after them: “It’s Orlando, sweetie!” Yeah, that’s exactly why they’re attempting to get away from you, creep.

Brooke and Ashley stumble into a Bahamian restaurant. They ask if there’s any way they can get back to Miami.

“Miami?” asks the woman behind the counter. The last thing you want to hear when you’re trying to get somewhere is the name of that place phrased as a question. One time I got turned around outside of Prospect Park in Brooklyn and ended up, I don’t know where, in Prospect Heights and I asked a cop (a cop!) how to get back to Park Slope and he looked at me like I asked for a lift to one of Saturn’s rings. I’m just saying, I empathize with Brooke here (though no one’s ever offered me $.20 so much as $20,000 to appear anywhere, so I can’t feel too too bad for the gals).

Anyway, to fly back to Miami, they’d have to take a ferry to a bus to the airport. That’s just unreasonable. They ask about taking a boat back, and there is a marina about six to seven miles away. This is considered walking distance, although on an island without taxis, I suppose any distance is considered walking distance. They eventually make it to the marina and ask for a ride back with this guy:

Thus proving that they’ve learned absolutely nothing about accepting rides from strangers. Instead of humpy, this ride is bumpy…

But at least they actually make it back to Miami. When they see their place they literally jump ship:

“This is the worst trip ever!” grouses Brooke at last on dry land.

Well, at least it was fun to laugh at. That’s what really matters!

Related content
Brooke Knows Best show page
Brooke Knows Best videos and extras

This entry was posted on Sunday, June 21st, 2009 at 10:25 pm