Oh snap! Reality just got real!
We begin on…
…Chi Chi shaving his nipples. I feel like this should be none of my business, and yet, it is.
The guys get a diary entry from Daisy that says she, Flex and Chi Chi are “hitting the road.” Nicely put, considering all the raging up in that house. With any luck, hitting the road will be like pounding chicken: boner-inducing. Daisy herds her boys and interviews that there will be no more challenges. Except for deciphering what the hell she’s talking about at any given moment!
They arrive at the site of their menage a ha to find a dune buggy:
Today, they’ll be enjoying a “nice off-road adventure.” This is about as good as sexy, as for Daisy and adrenaline rush is “pretty much like an orgasm.”
That’s an awfully matter-of-fact orgasm story. I’ve heard sermons that are more erotic. Way to make orgasms seem sexy, Daisy.
Whatever. Flex is the first to drive around this Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!-esque desert…
Daisy interviews that Flex’s crazy driving is “definitely a turn-on.” You know what definitely isn’t a turn-on? Bret Michaels impersonating. (No offense, Poison’d.)
Back at home, Sinister is moving out of the room he shared with Chi Chi.
Obviously, the stress of competing for the same woman is taking its toll on their friendship. They’ve been roommates for years, so the fact that he’s moving down the hall instead of spooning with his bro every night really means something.
Back at the buggy, Chi Chi’s driving is nowhere near as wild as Flex’s. He keeps one hand on the wheel and one on Daisy’s lap. I guess this is to stop her from jumping from the vehicle should she get too creeped out by him. It probably just makes her want to flee even more. As Chi Chi cruises along he says, “This is fun. This is bumpy.” He sounds like he’s falling asleep. Hard not to when a herd of geriatric mall walkers seems like a threat in comparison.
When it’s Daisy’s turn to take the wheel, she makes donuts and is just generally wild.
She ends up flipping the buggy…
Aren’t they, like, made to do that?
There’d be no point in driving one if they didn’t. Daisy interviews, “I can’t believe that I just tipped the f***ing dune buggy. Me out of all people, of course.” Yeah, of course. Can’t argue with truthful sarcasm.
Back at home, Daisy tells Sinister that she wants to eat with him and DaveslashDavePack.
Also, Chi Chi discovers that Sinister has moved out of the room they shared. I don’t know if it’s a sign of heartbreaking devotion or a pitiful lack of self-awareness, but instead of being offended, Chi Chi replies, “You’re such a pimp!” He interviews that Sinister may be playing a game, but he still loves his friend. He loves him right down to the butt crack, apparently.
DaveslashDavePack wonders why he doesn’t just wipe Sinister’s ass for him. I wonder why Chi Chi is bothering with toilet paper at all, when he has a perfectly good nose on his face.
Daisy wonders if she should start calling all the guys by their real names. Sinister says his real name is Derrick, but he’s been referred to as “Tripp” forever. “Tripp Lee?” wonders 12 Pack. “I thought it was Joshua Lee.” Oh snap! Daisy cannot believe that DavePack just referenced the real f***ing person that was London.
No really, she’s like…
She gives him a hand to talk to, but instead he nips at it…
I guess this is enough to make her horny because soon after she invites DavePack up to her room for a jimmy hat…I mean nightcap. T-minus five seconds until Sinister’s freak out…
Shockingly, Daisy and Dave (from now on I’m referring to them together as “Davesy”) are able to find their way to Daisy’s room without a trail of rose petals or breadcrumbs as their guide. But there’s an obstacle when they finally reach the door…
Chi Chi! And if the fact that he isn’t staking out for Daisy isn’t creepy enough, he’s got his socks pulled up to his ears. Chilling! Daisy interviews that he’s walking the fine line between attentive boyfriend and stalker. That really is a fine line. If I weren’t watching Daisy of Love, I might actually mistake that observation as insight. Since I am, I’ll just call it a happy accident.
Davesy make out…
Then she changes into something to change out of…
Meanwhile, Chi Chi has set up camp outside of the room…
We overhear what sounds like sexual merriment from Davesy. It sounds like she says, “Go wash your something.” There is also talk of Speedos. This may be too much for Chi Chi to take.
Really, when the girl you love is talking with another dude about Speedos, it’s time to pack things up. And by things, I don’t mean genitalia, and by “pack,” I don’t mean in a Speedo. That job’s taken! Chi Chi abandons his post and bitches as he’s trying to fall asleep in bed: “Too bad my name’s not 12 Pack. I could be on eight show and be a fake f***.” Give it time, Chi Chi. You just joined the Celebreality stable this quarter. Give it time.
The next day, 12 Pack rocks a look that can be described as Gloria f***ing Swanson chic…
…and interviews that the jimmyhatImeannightcap went “10,000 times better than expected,” and that he and Daisy connected on “every level possible.” Even on the cosmetic level, I bet.
And it all seems to be working out for him and for harmony but then!!!
A visitor arrives. It is London! What happened was that a few days ago, he emailed Riki to say his departure was a mistake and that he does have feelings for Daisy what made him leave were his weird feelings about being on reality TV. We get an Unsolved Mysteries-worthy recreation of events…
Riki says that Daisy has been talking about London a lot (and thinking of his face Photoshopped on other people’s bodies, if the editors are any authority) and that since there is unfinished business, he thinks it’s best if she and London talk. Riki knocks at her door and she mumbles something in response. It turns out to be, “What’s the password?” but he thought she said, “What’s up, has-been?” He gets that a lot, then? Anyway, he says he has someone for her to talk to. She says this is scaring her.
She’s getting more fragile by the second. She’s a Faberge egg of a reality star, just painted really, really loudly. The door opens, and it’s London. Here’s Daisy’s response:
She interviews that part of her is excited and part of her is pissed. And here I thought the animated gif above suggested just general unbalance. Who knew she was capable of such specificity?
She’s all, “Well ah nevah!” even though I could have sworn she did last night with DavePack. London starts at her all apologetic…
He says he should have realized this was not just a game and that he was wrong to think everything was fake. He interviews that this is hard, but he’s not looking for easy. Um. Um. Um.
Daisy is glad he came back, but she’s scared. She doesn’t know what to do! Riki comes back and they have London leave so Riki can say stuff to her that she won’t pay any mind to.
She says if London’s going to come back, he has to “prove his ass off” and fight for her. That’s what Riki wants to hear. “That’s smart,” he says. He is speaking relatively. Riki interviews that he thinks that bringing London back will help her get over him. That’s dumb, relatively or not. He tells her she has to tell the guys, and she’s scared and nibbly over the prospect…
She then has a hard time opening the door…
Don’t laugh. Sometimes doorknobs are hard to negotiate. Sometimes you forget how to turn them. It’s not like riding a bike or anything.
It’s time for the big reveal. Daisy tells the guys that something “really, really unexpected” happened to her today. She’s very overwhelmed and completely confused. What’s so unexpected about that? Sounds like business as usual to me. And it is…with the exception of London’s return!
The boys’ reaction to this can be best summed up in the following two screen shots:
Riki says that this doesn’t mean that London’s back in the competition. Yeah, because there’s a good chance that London just decided to stray 3,000 miles out of his way to drop by the repurposed McMansion for a few hours. Sinister says that that’s of course what it means. Ah, the voice of reason sounds so melodious and nothing like that of a “local-band douchebag,” which is what Sinister accuses London of being.
Riki and Daisy leave London in the wolves’ den.
Everyone’s pissed, except for Chi Chi, who tells London that he has his boots in his closet. They’re brown, possibly because Chi Chi polished them with his face. Sinister refuses to shake his hand!
Flex wonders the point of all this — why not just bring Fox back? That would be way fulfillful. Sinister thinks that Daisy doesn’t deserve a guy who would walk out on her. Jury’s out as to whether she deserves a guy who would return.
Everyone’s disgusted except for Chi Chi…
He invites London to stay with him. Chi Chi, stop being here to make friends…
…and lovers. Chi Chi visits Daisy to let her know that he supports her and has her back. He can have it, I guess — not much else matters anatomically now that London has seemingly stolen her heart.
They share a muttered chat about his return that’s tender and really comes across as one of the sincerest exchanges in …Of Love history. Like Taylor Dane, she wants him to prove his love. And, in all likelihood, to show his stuff. He’s the kind of guy that always breaks her heart, and she doesn’t want that this time. All this goopy romance turns way kinky when Daisy punctuates it with some s*** eating.
She has the grace of a swan. The specific breed I’m referring to is that of the short-lived, completely insane and disheartening but obviously awesome 2004 Fox reality series of that name.
London is made to stand away from the rest of the guys. How the frick can Daisy believe him when he says he’s not going to break her heart? Who knows? I just hope she stays confused so she says “frick” more. That word never got its day and damn it, if anyone’s going to bring it back, it’s going to be Daisy De La Hoya. She is frick’s last hope.
How does everyone feel about London returning? Flex is ready to fight the best to be the best. Chi Chi is happy to tackle this problem now instead of in the future. Daisy has no idea what this means.
And really, what the hell does that mean? It’s a flail away from a Daisyism. Now she knows how we feel every second of every show. Dave says so be it, and Sinister says that London shouldn’t have been allowed back, but he’ll fight.
Daisy resolves that London doesn’t deserve a chain, but he’s staying. Such punishment. He came for the Daisy, but you know he was staying for the chain. He has a formality fetish, I just know it.
Dave gets the first chain, and then Flex, which leaves Chi Chi and Sinister. Daisy is afraid she’s ruining their friendship, so she’s sending Chi Chi home. His loyalty is awesome, and he’s an amazing friend, but he is not the one.
Chi Chi interviews that he would have treated Daisy like a princess and he would have been with her forever. He sniffles a bit, but unlike most of the manly men who’ve left this show, he doesn’t openly weep. Isn’t it ironic? It’s like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful…roommate.
Not that Daisy even cares what’s going on with her recently departed, as she’s busy nuzzling London.
Did anyone for a second think that he wouldn’t be allowed back in the competition? Suspense fail, show. Suspense fail.