That’s it, New York Goes to Work is down for the count…
But is New York? And what about her career? As usual, her destiny is in your hands, America…
On this final pre-job van ride, New York announces, “I made it to the finale. Can you believe it?” No. I thought you’d die in the process of filming this show. Seriously. I was expecting New York’s last job to be one of casket fitter.
But she survive! How shocking that she was able to do so with a whole film crew and stable of producers hoovering over her at every turn! Anyway, that was then and this is now. New York doesn’t care about the jobs she wasn’t paid for — one thing that she knows she can do is whip ass.
One thing she can do even better than that mug beautifully while telling us about doing so.
New York meets her trainer, for this last, boxing gig.
And then they are whisked to a “press conference.” Why wasn’t I invited? Aren’t I, like, the press when it comes to this show? The announcer calls the boxing match “one of the most heavily anticipated VH1 sporting events ever.” That’s because it’s the only VH1 sporting event ever. He reminds us that New York will go up against an opponent from her past, as determined by her viewing audience. Which one that is — Pumkin, Mr. Boston or Bryan the pig farmer’s son — will be announced immediately before the round. That means we have to watch a whole episode to find out what we’re normally told but moments in to it. If I didn’t have to watch it anyway, I might just be pissed about that.
Anyway, the whole point of this press conference, nay this episode, is this:
What more could you possibly need?
Her potential opponents are brought out…
When it comes time for Pumkin to hit the stage, there is a delay. “Bitch, bring yo ass out here,” shrieks New York. But no, there will be no ass bringing. Pumkin’s a no-show. Sadly, here starts a motif. (Spoiler!)
Mr. Boston hits the podium for a few nonsensical words. New York applauds politely in advance.
He’s going to give what is in his estimation, what the “audience” has been “waiting for for so many years: New York knocked down on the ground Mr. Boston style.” Yeah, my breath is bated. Oh wait, no. I just forgot to floss this morning.
Is he afraid of being classified as a woman-beater should he take the ring? No — people ask him if New York’s a man anyway, so whatever. “Why would they say that about me?” hisses New York. Girl, if you really want to know that answer, ask someone in private, not at a press conference.
Bryan says some typically farmy stuff about dealing with/wrestling pigs.
Is he comparing New York to a pig? Yes, because of the smell. Are you sure it isn’t my flossless breath?
When New York takes the stand, a member of the press asks her if she wants to face Pumkin.
“Yes! Where is this bitch? Where is she?” asks New York, darting her eyes around. I imagine if someone told her at this point, “My, what wild eyes you have, New York!” then her response would be, “The better to professional wrestle you with!”
Training time! Here’s the dude who’ll be helping the guys:
During his training, Boston reveals that people still to this day ask him about getting knocked out by Chance all the way back on I Love New York. Well, at least his 15 minutes are holding steady.
There’s is figure-8-ing with jump ropes…
…and lots of bouncing…
New York is working out in the same space as the guys, so when she slumps down, Boston is able to look over and ask her if she’s tired. “I just had roast beef, don’t be f***ing with me,” says New York. Yeah, make sure you stand downwind, Boston.
More training. At one point, Mark tells Boston…
“If you’re tall stay tall. Make her come.” Indeed. Big guys seem to really turn her on.
Professional-ass boxer New York decides to take herself a professional-ass break.
“Well, anyways, I’m gonna win,” she tells her potential opponents. Boston decides to turn on the charm (relatively speaking) and reference their past on-screen romance.
How is it that she’s able to resist him at this point? That’s a lot of will power she’s exerting to keep from throwing him down on the floor and leaping on top of him.
More trash talk: New York says, “Whoever loses, I’m gonna buy champagne.” “You’re going to buy champagne for yourself?” Bryan wonders. She tells him to shut up. As a mere antidote to nonsense, Bryan is a wonderful sparring partner.
And speaking of sparring partners, here’s who they’ll all practice with:
During her 15 years of professional wrestling, Spice was known for picking up guys, dumping them and knocking them out. This declaration and its accompanying delivery cracks New York up…
Spice proves a formidable opponent on both of the guys…
When it’s her turn, New York resolves to go at Spice as though she’s a “thinner, prettier” version of Pumkin. The girl’s still got it! Her resolve changes to remorse after Spice cracks her on the face…
New York moans on the side of the ring, “I don’t like that! I don’t like doing that!” Is she referring to playing punching bag?
Afraid not. New York decides she doesn’t want to hit anyone in the face. That’s not who she is and she doesn’t want to be like that. Circumstantial pacifism is the most meaningful pacifism of all! I’m assuming then that her assertion in the beginning of the episode about knowing that she can whip ass was figurative, then.
New York discusses her misgivings regarding the match with Mia.
She has to get over feeling bad and if this show has taught her anything, it’s to persevere. Or do as little as possible to get what she wants.
Speaking of, we then see her sitting in a church praying:
Basically, she wants the strength to rearrange the faces that she can and the ability to freak out and make good TV otherwise at those she can’t. We see a last-minute training montage…
That’s about as much Pumkin as we get to see. As we find out at the match, she was, of course, voted by America to be New York’s opponent, but she just didn’t show up. That is sooooo reality star of her. It’s anticlimatic and sucks for the show, but I kind of love it because it is PERFECT.
And so, New York will fight Mr. Boston. I’m not recapping the match because it’s a whole lot of nothing for four rounds. Boston knocks her down almost immediately and then repeatedly. New York, meanwhile kicks and windmills, despite this not being a kickboxing match, nor Amsterdam.
In the end, as the judges’ scores are tallied, New York seems to be taken by the support signified by the audience chanting her name.
They end up getting identical scores and it’s a draw.
Yay for anti-climax! That’s the true winner.
But hey, at least Newy got a wardrobe upgrade! That’s thrust-worthy.
In the end, she says that she learned a lot on this series. “I may not always succeed, but I’m capable of doing anything I set my mind to!” Except for, of course, the stuff that she can’t.
See you in I Love New York 3, then?