My Antonio Recap – Episode 1 – What’s Mine Is Yours…


…and what’s ours is this:


Antonio Sabto Jr., now super-imposed with himself. Get ‘im while he’s hot! And plural!

Thirteen seemingly well-heeled women are gathered on a beach, waiting…


And when what they’re waiting for is finally in their sights, it’s undoubtedly beyond what they were dreaming…


Antonio Sabto Jr., the man these women will poison each other with cuticle oil over (with any luck), wonderfully sets the just-a-hair-over-the-top tone this entire episode (and, for that matter, series, again with any luck) teeters on. Instead of sailing right up to his potential women, he jumps in the water and swims to them so as to maximize the one-man drama…


Here’s some perspective:


So, you know, he’s serious about impressing.

He notes via interviews that this show will be a “demanding competition of the heart.” Is there any other kind? It’s VH1; it’s taxing. Of these 13 women waiting for him, he wonders, “Is one of them the one?” Well, someone’s gotta win. Meanwhile, his potential ones gush about Janet Jackson videos and posters, alike. Sarah interviews…


“I haven’t had sex in a while, so I would like to do something in that…category.” Cast a wide net, ’cause Antonio’s in the sea. That’s what I say.

Too late! He’s arrived…


…he seems very energetic. That’s promising. In reaction to the now close and wet Antonio, Jessica interviews…


“I’m like, don’t look below the waist!”


Why? Everything about this pose suggests that the girls are to take. It. All. In. Plus, you’re on a dating show. If you don’t look below the waist now, you may never get the chance.

As he approaches the girls, someone murmurs, “Look at his smile!” No. Look at his package. Amateurs! Anju interviews that she wanted to pour champagne on his dimples and then suck it out. It may be weird, but at least it isn’t prudish. Good for her!

Antonio stands before the women and addresses them, saying this televised dating process won’t be easy and it’s for real. He’s looking for the love that you see in the movies. The love that people talk about. Well, it won’t exactly be the movies, but I can guarantee you people will talk about it. Especially on the Internet.

He shakes hands with some of the girls, exchanging pleasantries until he stops on a woman named Natalia. We see an odd shot of her fee…


…and Antonio asks if he can speak with her. They move away from the group and begin conversing in French, which seems to intimidate a few of the girls. Brooke interviews that she hopes he “speaks Southern.”


I hope Brooke speaks coherent. How do you teach someone Southern, anyway? Batter-fry their tongue?

The Natalia exchange continues.


Is there anything she loves about a man? Yes: the arms, the chest and the this part. I don’t know what it’s called either, but it’s that sexy muscle that creates a V-formation along the bottom of the abs on the fittest of the fit. There is something Antonio loves: hands and feet. He’s not into Natalia’s, and so she’s going home! I know it’s a little mean, but the idea that a woman has hands and feet that render her immediately impossible to be around is pretty hilarious. We’re off to a great start!


Natalia’s exit interview finds her in a state of disbelief. “My hands and my feet are tiny,” she says. “You can go look back at my high school books. I’ve gotten best hands and best feet.” Wow. Just when you thought it was great, it gets mind-blowing. I’m gonna miss this Natalia! The idea that high-school seniors would care at all about hands and feet, let alone enough to democratically organize a hierarchy, is My Antonio‘s most ridiculous idea yet, and it’s been nothing but ridiculous ideas so far! We’re dealing with high concepts here, guys. Buckle up — it’s gonna be an intellectually bumpy ride.

When Natalia is gone or at least far enough away that her hands and feet aren’t distracting Antonio into nausea, he tells the girls that he feels bad. “I’m gonna feel bad every week, ’cause I’ve never done this before,” he adds. Oh, have a little faith in yourself — you’ll get used to it, I’m sure.

It’s time to move on to Pu’u Holoholoku. On the way…


…Akira, I mean Antonio, interviews that this is not a game. And then he has the girls…


…play a game. He yells down, “You look great, and thank you for coming!” How can he even tell that they look great? They’re going to have to climb that mountain to be with him. Here’s incentive: the quicker they climb, the sooner (and longer) they can mingle. Meanwhile, Julann has interviewed that…


…in researching Antonio, he has captured her soul. Researching! Much like Antonio, Julann’s setting the tone with this little slice of introductory amazement. So nice to meet you!

Since Antonio has that foot thing of his, he doesn’t want the girls to climb the mountain barefoot or in their cocktail heels. “Please look under the goat skulls in front of you for a special gift from me,” he tells them.


And fellas, take note: when you care to send the very best, put it under goat skulls.

He, of course, gives the girls running shoes. And they’re off!


The gravel brings Miranda close to tears. Antonio barks gym-teacher encouragement at the girls via his megaphone. The best thing he says is, “Use your quads! Come on!”

Jennifer emerges victorious.


“This is a metaphor for my life, watch your step, watch your step,” he says as she approaches. What part is the metaphor? The mountain? The group-dating? The megaphone? The goat skulls?

Most of the girls come in fairly soon after Jennifer, or so it seems. Monique complains about the quicksand-like properties, but it is Anju who comes in dead last. She seems unhappy about this. But the best grievance of all belongs to Courtney:


When all the girls are assembled, Antonio notes, “I never thought that everyone was going to make it.” So he thought there’d be casualties on this, the first challenge of his reality show? Nice. He also says that their completion of this task shows they have passion. And, most importantly, quads.

From here, it’s to the Hilton where they’ll all be staying and where there will be a pool party that evening. The girls hit their suite and they are ecstatic:


Julann speaks to what seems like a few people about her fear of sharing space with vindictive women and what it all means for the well-being of her nice things. We’ll cover this in a bit when she repeats this in greater detail.

The ladies prepare for the pool party.


Anju tells Tania, “Your t**s look good!” Tania replies, “They feel good.” And everything goes from black and white to color and it all makes me proud to be the first to welcome you so regally to the merry old land of VH1. On their way to the pool, Anju calls someone “Poca-hot-ass.” Anju’s batting a thousand!

They gather by the pool…


…and Antonio arrives. He interviews, “After I put these girls through hell pretty much, I wanted to relax.” Who can blame him? It’s hard work putting women through hell! Take a load off buddy. Take one off for all of us.


He is soon flanked by women, despite his self-proclaimed shyness. He soon scales back for a one-on-one with Brooke.


The other girls seethe. I believe it is Anju who describes the scene thusly: “They’re having a relationship over there!” Brooke talks about the future or whatever. Antonio says he feels safe with her. That’s…good? I guess?

Putting himself at unspecified risk, he moves on.


He asks Courtney, “What condition is your heart in right now?” God, how I wish she would have simply said, “Arrhythmic.” She doesn’t but her answer is almost as good: “Totally, absolutely, ready to, like, go and, like, do it. Yeah. Absolutely.” I admire her assuredness, although what exactly it’s directed to, I’m not sure.

Antonio says Anju makes him feel “scared somewhat.”


WTF? She’s so inviting!

And then there is Sarah. Oh boy, is there Sarah. First of all, her hair is wet, and so I’m left to assume that she went swimming in her dress.


So we’re already starting on awesome. Antonio tells her to tell him about herself. “There’s nothing,” she says. “There’s nothing to know about you?” he asks. “No,” is her response. Not even her tendency to go swimming while wearing dresses? Like, seriously nothing? Antonio calls this “cute.” Via further questioning from Antonio, Sarah goes on to reveal (if you want to call it that) that she does nothing for a living. Well, what took her so long to make to reality TV? There’s plenty of her kind here. He asks if she has someone giving her money every month. She says she “probably” does.

Then, a question for him: “I just want to know, are you real?”


He is. Swear to God. Then, Sarah cries.


Seriously, it happens exactly like that.


So, she’s fun.

Antonio sits in the pool with all of his potential women around him. He attempts to poll them on music when a strange woman in black arrives, looking like the key to the central mystery of some one-hour drama in the ’80s.


Jennifer describes her as “decked-out Dynasty, dude.” That’s perfect, brah. This is, of course, Antonio’s mother, who beckons to him and then starts berating him in Italian:




She’s referring to Courtney. She calls out Courtney’s “fake boobs like a balloons.” Well, at least they aren’t fake boobs like hotdogs or birthday hats or anything else you might find at a party. Antonio trusts his mom — she was always right about his relationships and he was always wrong. He knows what he must do…


…dump Courtney! Just like that! Wow, the power structure here just got really interesting. Antonio’s mom is going to need a major power nap after putting through hell the guy who’s putting the women through hell.

The women retire to their rooms.

Julann voices her concern (or…something) regarding Courtney’s dismissal.


Courtney was the oldest, and now Julann is and that doesn’t make her feel high and mighty, per se, but her concern is about sharing closet space. Seriously, that’s how her logic goes. “I’m not gonna have anyone disrespect my outfits, my clothes. I’m just not into that,” elaborates Julann. Some might be into the whole clothes-disrespecting scene, but let it be known that Julann does not swing that way. Sarah is confused by all this.


And rightfully so. She wonders where all of this has coming from, as no one as touched Julann’s stuff so far and she keeps going on about it. “If I don’t feel comfortable in the environment that I’m living in, it is not good for me, and not good for my children,” Julann responds. Her wild tangents suggest that she could really use a blog. Sarah points out that Julann’s kids aren’t there. No matter, they’re important to Julann. Sarah responds, “Apparently not, you’re here.”

Thunder clap.


Julann tells Sarah, “Before you speak, be careful what you say.” You should probably be careful during, as well. Just saying! Sarah wonders if Julann is trying to make Antonio the father of her children. Julann’s response is off-topic as ever: “In this midst of all this, I’m a mature woman.” She puts “woman” in air quotes…


…and I have no idea why. I’m guessing that being as random and confusing as possible is a tactic of Julann’s. I’m not sure exactly what she wants to accomplish via this tactic, but she’s definitely set on it. Good for her! If nothing else, she’s breaking new ground in the art of interpretive communication.

Julann closes out this argument by saying that whether her children are here or not, she’s going to get the respect she deserves, or everyone will be hearing from her. Oh, I believe it. That’s coming through loud and clear.

The next day, Antonio comes to visit the girls with flowers and mani/pedi kits. He immediately wonders where Sarah is. I guess he’s in the mood for a laugh. She ends up squirming away from him all over the suite…


…seriously, she won’t stop moving. He calls her a trip. That’s so polite. What a gentleman. He finally gets her to sit down. She admits to being nervous and typically closed off. But not entirely:


So I guess she’s selective about what embarrasses her? Anyway, all these freak-outs are too preemptive, as Antonio is into her. Maybe he just can’t pass up good TV when it’s happening right before his eyes? He asks her to think between last night and today, which woman he’s spent the most time with. Sarah giggle-gasps insanely. How promising. I’d keep coming back for more, too.

Antonio then sits around with the ladies. He asks if anyone’s been unfaithful.


Anju at one point found herself in what sounds like a three-way relationship. Or maybe her boyfriend had a concubine. I don’t know. Her point is that she won’t stop a guy from doing what he wants to please himself. On virtually any other reality show, the guy running the show would be purring and/or wetting his bandanna. Antonio, instead, seems wary at the declaration. What is this strange universe we’ve been thrust into? This show should be called My Alien-tonio.

Meanwhile, Miranda, a compulsive self-manicurist, berates Antonio for not bringing her cuticle oil.


And I think this is totally justified. Seriously, how dare he forget the cuticle oil?

Then, it’s time for dinner, which seems like it will be this show’s version of an elimination ceremony (albeit a very long and caloric one).


Antonio announces that although his mother was responsible for the Courtney incident, all further elimination decisions will be made by him. He can say it all he wants, but his mom does not seem the type to be willing to sit out the rest of the season with a spoon in her mouth.

And she’s not. She begins questioning the girls.


She begins on Christi…


She asks Christi what kind of modeling she does. “I’m a former Playmate,” says Christi. “What does that exactly mean?” asks Mom in a tone suggesting that she knows exactly what that means. “Playboy is a classy, tasteful, nude magazine,” explains Christi. I thought she might throw the word “classy” in there. They always do. Antonio’s mom asks if Christi still models for the same magazine, and she says yes, which is confusing because she just referred to herself as a “former Playmate.” Stop covering up, Christi. You’re a Playmate. You’re supposed to be naked.

When this exchange is over, Christi mutters…


Well, you’ve come to the right place. Welcome to the nonjudgmental world of reality TV.

Julann talks about Antonio’s “beautiful soul.” Undoubtedly her familiarity with which comes as a direct result of research. She’s just being clinical, OK, guys? As she does this, Sarah openly cracks up.


Antonio asks if she’s laughing or crying. Sarah says both. I’d be suspicious if anyone else answered that way, but I believe it coming from Sarah. When she gets nervous, she laughs, she explains. And runs away. And goes swimming with her dress on. And sticks carrots in her teeth. Antonio’s mother asks what she does. Nothing right now, “But I’ve done some stuff,” answers Sarah. “What does that mean?” wonders Mom. “What does that mean?” replies Sarah. “What do you want to be?” “What do I want to be?” is another exchange. I think the answer is myna bird, but Sarah’s too shy to say.

Antonio’s mom won’t let Sarah’s questions in the form of answers knock her off course. This isn’t My Jeopardytonio. She asks Sarah how old she is. Twenty-nine. “And when, like, you think you will find out?” asks Mom. Sarah doesn’t know. Will it just come to her? Hopefully. Mom keeps pushing the issue, noting, “How can she think it’s just going to come? Don’t she have any ambition…” She’s cut off by Sarah, who bursts out, “I don’t have a mother!” She flees in a fit of puppy-like squeals.


And you know, the girl isn’t dumb: that’s a really, really great way to get out of a conversation you don’t want to have. “I don’t have a mother!” is enough to shut anyone up.

Not that Antonio’s mother is going to shut up! With Sarah and Antonio gone, she announces, “It’s a short time, I don’t want to hurt anybody feeling, but I need to know certain thing so I can kind of make a picture what everybody is about.” I wish she would then paint those pictures (I bet they’d be like those black-light shots in Orphan). So far, no such luck.

Antonio pep talks Sarah into staying. Thank god! They return to the table and he signals for the waiters to serve dessert. Except, what they’re actually serving on covered platters are leis. Whoever doesn’t receive one is on the chopping block. It turns out to be…


…Anju and Miranda! Why hasn’t Antonio talked to Miranda at all at this point? She’s shy and not used to competing for a man; she’s the one who’s usually pursued. Girl, join the club. That’s quickly becoming an “I’m not here to make friends”-level cliche. Anju, on the other hand, was dead last on the mountain. What’s up with that? Anju thinks she’s too much of a free spirit and she doesn’t want to be restricted to one person. Why is she here? This isn’t a show about polygamy. It isn’t My Antonios. He deduces that they aren’t compatible. She’s leaving.

On a boat, delicately named…


…Anju rides away. She seems not at all broken up.


Her exit interview is fab:


“He wants to spend time climbing mountains and s***, and that’s not my style,” says Anju with more than a little bit of attitude. Great! Good luck on your journeys, Anju. Climb every mountain, even if that means avoiding mountains at all costs.

So that’s done. Antonio and the women toast and it all looks wrapped up, but then…


…a visitor arrives! And not just any visitor: this woman announces, “My name’s Tully Jensen Sabto. Antonio’s first and only ex-wife!” Julann seems to really appreciate how awesome this is.


Tully proceeds: “I am here to win him back because…I’m still in love with you!” Now it’s a soap opera. I mean reality show. I mean…both?

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