Don’t let the sleeping bikini-clad women fool you, this show is exciting! No really! Swear!
The first thing we loved about this week’s show?
- The reactions to Tully joining the competition:
Every now and then, reality show contestants fall apart. This time, all it took was an ex-wife being named as a competitor. My favorite reaction of all, though, came from Antonio’s mother, Yvonne:
It’s always fun when people acknowledge the ridiculous of the situation in which they’ve trust themselves. I can’t imagine more overt acknowledgment than this, save looking directly into camera and winking. I won’t be surprised if that happens before the end of this season. Yvonne’s a savvy one.
And speaking of looking directly into the camera…
Jennifer did it, to inform us, “Bitch is crazy.” She was referring to Sarah, and that brings us to our next thing we loved…
It all started innocently enough, with Jennifer offering Sarah a waffle she had prepared with cream cheese and syrup. That’s a little weird, but anyone who’s ever had any kind of stuffed breakfast treat or cheese cake knows that the combination of cream cheese and sweetness makes for a hell of a drug. You can see where Jennifer was coming from. Unless, of course, you are Sarah.
Oh, Sarah. The world isn’t out to get you. It isn’t even out to get you fat. Sharing is caring, even when shared item is a bizarre breakfast concoction!
This resulted in a full-on screaming match:
Again, let me remind you that this tumult was over a waffle with cream cheese. “You know what? F*** you, because I’m totally being cool,” said Jennifer. The mixture of “f*** you” and “I’m being cool” is even weirder than waffles and cream cheese. It’s blended. It’s a fresh alternative.
Anyway, after more bickering…
…Sarah at last admitted in an interview, “I don’t know how to be, that’s why. I just don’t know what the hell to do. That’s all.” And then she put on her sunglasses.
Points for the self-awareness, points off for the sunglasses. Just because you can’t see the camera as vividly as you did five seconds ago, doesn’t mean that it (and by extension, we) can’t see you.
Still, Sarah was full of surprises and drama. That she left the show very soon after this outburst was disappointing. She will be missed.
- Tully and Antonio’s heart-to-heart
The following screen shots say virtually everything you need to know about Tully’s initial plea for Antonio to allow her to stay in the running for his heart:
But just to shade in the scene a little further, choice exchanges included:
Antonio: Why are you here?
Tully: Because I wanted to see you.
(Feeling lonely? Drop by your ex-husband’s reality show!)
Tully: You think it’s easy for me?
Antonio: Why are you doing it, then, if it’s hard for you?
Tully: Give me a fair shot.
Antonio: What fair shot?
Detect any resistance on his part, maybe? Antonio concluded the conversation with, “You can stay…but you have a long shot,” adding, “Good luck with my mom, you know?” After that, who wouldn’t want to stay?
- Tania’s assertiveness
After the Sarah debacle, Antonio polled his women on how he was handling things. Tania piped right up with: “I felt like when you were talking to us, you didn’t have eye contact and you seemed distracted.” Let me guess: she’s doing the reality thing for now, but what she really wants is to direct. Anyway, bravo to her for speaking up about her needs and not just blindly following Antonio’s lead. Tania’s living in a powder keg and giving off spark.
- The fight that involved periods, rollers, robes, the sharing of space and being mean to the new girl
It wasn’t even clear what the hell was going on here, but when Tully said, “I need you to work with me as a girl friend. I want a girl friend,” what was clear was that the only thing separating this from a scene on Sex and the City was that they weren’t sipping cosmos.
Perhaps the best quote of the episode: “Miranda, look at me. You have been really trippy with me.” Well, really, it’s between that and Julann’s, “I don’t want to say the word because I’m not that style of girl.” Because if VH1 has taught us anything thus far, is that there are many, many, many styles of girls.
- This dolphin:
- That weird hypnotism challenge…thing:
Lest you think Antonio isn’t the puppetmaster of this show, after he told the girls that he was bringing in a hypnotist, he enthused, “I’ve never witnessed hypnotism!” He was seriously gleeful at the prospect of watching a group of entranced women.
As he should have been! Jostling human rag dolls is never not funny:
That was awesome, but my favorite bit was that he hypnotized Miranda and Tully into being “nice” and “flattering.” Because you know that directly messing with their consciousness is the only way you could get reality show contestants to act like nice and flattering.
And a big HA @ Miranda’s version of being nice and flattering: “She’s real. She can be a bitch, but she’s real.” Not even hypnotism could diminish her honesty. I think My Antonio could be the game that Miranda was born to play.
- Tania’s Italian
When the women were made to speak Italian (which they didn’t, uniformly), Tania essentially recited the menu of an Italian restaurant. “Pasta fagioli, mi amore, Milano…Italiano. Ciao. Amore. Ciao bella…Tiramisu, cannoli…” When it got to the point where she was grinding on Antonio’s crotch (as seen above), she moaned, “Rigatoni. Rigatoni, Antonio!” Sounds fluent to me!
- Antonio’s justification for keeping Tully in the competition:
Let me guess: this isn’t just about him finding love — it’s also practice for his future role as a diplomat. Right?
And finally, our favorite aspect of this episode was…
I think I’ll miss her most of all. Just a sampling of Julann’s awesomeness:
That was her reaction to discovering the style of girl that Sarah is.
That was her reaction to Antonio voicing concern about Sarah after she left, instead of comforting Julann (since she was the victim of an epithet: Sarah called her the “c-word!”).
That was her reaction to the prospect of getting more one-on-one time with Antonio, after she threatened to quit. Also in this conversation, she complained about the “divas and queens” she was sharing space with. She also told Antonio, “You need to take care of the women that are healthy emotionally. But the women that are emotionally healthy are going to be sick, if you don’t tend to their needs.” And then Antonio couldn’t take care of them, obviously, because they wouldn’t be healthy anymore. Lose-lose.
That was her reaction to the announcement they were going to be hypnotized. She ended up sitting out the challenge or exercise or whatever it was. Brooke interviewed that Julann was afraid of being possessed. Curiously, she didn’t add “more” to the end of that sentence.
Julann had a very confusing exchange with Sarah last episode, but her final exchange with Antonio was the most confusing of all. A sample:
Julann: I don’t think you get it. You don’t get it that you really need to focus on the healthy people, not the sick people.
Antonio: So I shouldn’t care for people who are hurting?
Julann: No, I want you to and that’s one of the things I found really, really beautiful in you.
She didn’t bat an eyelash when Antonio told her she was contradicting herself.
And so, Julann went home, unfortunately…
On her Ciao Bella ride, she again brought up that Antonio needed to “really focus to tending to women that are healthy of sound and mind, and not focus on people that constantly need your attention.” Not just sound. Not just mind. Not just sound mind. But sound and mind. Perfect. This, too, coming from someone whose threat to quit bought her an hour of one-on-one time with Antonio. Is she not making the connections, or does she just not want to? You could ponder this woman for days.
We’ll miss you Julann, you true American original, you.