Tool Academy 2 Recap – Episode 1 – The New Tool Revue

Ah, the smell of Summer’s Eve…

I want to open this recap with quick shots of toolishness so we know what we’re getting into. And so:

And a few lovely quotes:

J Daddy: “Look at me. I’m f***ing greatness. It’s literally like my mother spewed gold out of her vagina.” (Is he calling himself afterbirth?)

John L: “Money’s not everything. P**** is.”

Stew: “If y’all want some of these sex pistols, you better be careful, because they’re loaded with sex appeal, baby!” They are also loaded with…

…a sock maybe?

Frank: “I know I’m an assh***, but I don’t need therapy for it. It’s just my lifestyle.”

Dre P: “I’ll put her heels over her head and have her head over heels.” (OK, this is actually clever. He must have stolen it from somewhere, right?)

John L: “All the ladies are addicted to what the d*** did, baby.”

And finally, I would like you to just soak in this gif:

Love it like it’s begging to be loved.

So basically, the first 20 or so minutes of the show was this: a bunch of tanned and tweezed cavemen trying out out bellow each other in order to become America’s Next Top her energy drink (it really exists!) Spokesdouche. As with last season, the bamboozled bunch soon found out they weren’t there for the reasons they thought they were. And, as with last season, despite the fact that it turned out they were reluctantly enrolled in Tool Academy, nobody walked. Well, John L seemed like he was going to…

…but then after taking a breath, he reconsidered. Here’s how he recounted it: “I had a little bit of a hissy fit. I changed my tampon, took some Midol, and made my way back in and manned up and did it.” Ironic that a tool knows so much about feminine products, no? John L is more balanced than you might expect. He’s pH balanced, even — strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Anyway, this first episode served to introduce us to the tools and their relationship problems. Below is a brief rundown. What it basically comes down to is that they cheat and over-share way more than they should.

Their problems: He’s an attention junkie; Leah suspects infidelity.
Choice quote from Dre P’s pre-show interview he probably didn’t think Leah would ever see: “You can’t tie me down sexually. I might need to do somethin’ different that she may not be doin’. She may not be givin’ me all that sexual pleasure that I need. Her body may not be as thick or as tight as it could be.”

Their problems: He often claims he doesn’t have a girlfriend; he’s a self-centered human bottle/can opener.
Choice interview quote: “Her name is Shannon. I f*** her when my d*** is about to explode.”
Bonus choice quote: “Well I know I’m a liar, and that’s the truth.”

Their problems: He has a fixation on being an alpha male; he’s a self-described “assh***” when it comes to relationships.
Choice interview quote: “Bad boyfriend, great friend, great lay.”

Their problems: They have sex once a week, if she’s lucky (“lucky”); infidelity; he wanted to marry her so he could get paid more for his military job and then use that money to get her a boob job.
Choice interview quote: “It’s kind of ironic, because her name was Amanda, and my girlfriend’s name’s Amanda…”

Also, regarding Amanda: when I watched this episode for the first time, it was an early low-res cut and I notice a series of bumps around her right eye. I was worried she had a condition or interestingly pattered acne. Once I received my finished copy of this, I was happy to discover that it’s just a series of piercings…

Phew!

Moving on…

Their problems: He’s a party boy…as long as Nicole isn’t around (they’ve only gone out together a handful of times).
Choice interview quote: “I’ve been dating her for three years off and on. And I like the off part.”

Their problems: He’s distant; the spark is missing; she feels alone; he has a warped sense of time.
Choice interview quote: “I’m f***in’ 22 f***in’ years old, man. And I’ve been with her for four years bro, y’know? That’s f***in’ insane!

Their problems: Infidelity; his interest in showing off what is, according to John L., his unimpressive manhood
Choice interview quote: “Probably in the last month, I done f***ed about like at least like seven or eight girls.”

Their problems: He cheated on her at a Christmas party when she was out of town; she nags (according to him).
Choice quote: “You’re just playing the complete victim right now.”

Their problems: He doesn’t respect her; he has told her that “women are holes that need to be filled with d***”; for some mysterious reason, he calls himself “J Daddy.”
Choice interview quote: “Kathleen, she’s cute and she looked like an easy f***.”

(For some reason, Mike and Rebecca didn’t get a split-screen name card, so here she is:)

Their problems: Infidelity; his delusions of charisma; his hair.
Choice interview quote: “Take the flight over here: Hot girl next to me. And all of a sudden, start making out, start rubbing up the leg, feeling up the skirt. And she loved every second of it.”
Bonus quote: “I’ll be at the mall walking around and a perfect stranger comes up to me and goes, ‘Oh, hey, I enjoy your hair.’”

Their problems: Infidelity (she caught him in bed with another girl in their home); he seems to think that someone would believe his cheating ass over their own eyes (once caught, he told Christina she was seeing things).
Choice interview quote: “When she left, though, I f***in’ finished that s*** out. That girl didn’t even get fazed, she was like, ‘Are you gonna finish this s***?’”

Their problems: He’s 31 and still hangs out at his old fraternity house; he thinks it’s appropriate to sleep with 19-year-olds.
Choice interview quote: “I’m the dude that traded in my old friends who are, like 31 and married, for my new friends who are like 25, and let’s get crazy, you know?”

Now that you’re nice and uplifted, we’ll make the rest quick. The dedication challenge found the couples in boats with a series of plugs in the bottom. Every few minutes they were asked to remove a plug. Whichever team stayed afloat the longest (by keeping the water out), won.

Justin and Kathleen ended up victorious, thanks in no small part to Justin’s “reverse cowgirl” position to stop the holes with his extremities.

Indeed, the reverse cowgirl is a magical, magical thing.

After John L’s boat went under, he sank Frank and Christina’s boat, just for the douche of it…

Oh, and between insults, Josh did very little to help the water-displacing endeavor.

This coupled with his inability to accept responsibility for his toolishness during therapy landed him in the Bottom 3…

…and it got him kicked off.

And then, the greatest example of his toolishness unfolded. It was seriously like a fireworks display of embarrassment.

He ended up getting yelled at by security…

…and Jordan…

…who told him, “You’ve been expelled. You are a tool. LEAVE!”

Josh was literally carried out by security…

…and then, most insanely, became all of a sudden interested in keeping up appearances…

Not surprisingly, he was unable to accept responsibility for his behavior yet again (even though we all watched it!).

After one more boldly delusional claim…

…Jamie said peace out (or is that “rock out?”) to the girls…

In the car, he covered up the camera and told her…

Because, obviously, we wouldn’t notice any of this and would have been taken by Jamie’s genuine sentiment. Josh is smart. He knows what he’s doing.

Related content
Tool Academy 2 show page
Tool Academy videos and extras
Exclusive Interview with Trina Dolenz
Exclusive Interview with Jordan Murphy