First of all…
…how ’bout that hat? Huh? Huh? It blew us away!
But the first real thing we loved about this episode was, of course:
- Sully Suckerson (Jenniferâ„˘)
First, it was confusing…
…then it branched out into a daisy chain…
…and then it became totally clear that it was the alcohol that was doing the sucking…
No, but really, it was mostly confusing. Even Tully, who has thus far come off as nothing less than completely shameless, felt remorse later when she (finally!) got a real one-on-one with Antonio.
“Did you used to do that?” wondered Antonio, hearkening back to the extremity-sucking days of their marriage. “I think I sucked on pretty much everything of yours,” said Tully. Well, suck on that one, everybody!
The other great quote from this exchange was, “I married you, man.” And was it just me, or was Tully’s reason for joining this competition actually plausible? She said, “I know that I was selfish, and didn’t know how to love you. And I know that I am capable of that kind of love now to give to someone. But I also would want that love back.” Kinda touching, right? Like the way saliva touches your ex-husband’s hand when you’re leisurely sucking on it? It’s at least touching in that way, right?
Moving on, our next favorite thing was…
- “Authentic Hawaiian culture” (Antonioâ„˘)
Remember when Antonio told the girls last episode, “I want you guys to write a love letter to me”? Well, in this episode, by asking for a hula dance, he basically said, “I want you guys to dance a love letter to me, you beautiful flowers.” Seriously, why was everyone a flower in their interpretive hulas? Special blossoms, beautiful flowers, flowers…
…to be sipped and kissed…
How do you talk to a florist in hula? They’d be so confused: “I’m sorry, ma’am, I am not a woman-arranger!”
Also, this last “sipped and kissed” instruction came after Christi asked, “What if you wanted to be naughty?” The instructor above assured her that dancing, “I’m the flower to be sipped and kissed” is “very sexual.” This is VH1 — metaphor is not sexual enough! Good thing Christi’s rendition of it was all…
…”Eat me!” Well, that’s more like it!
Oh, and in addition to being completely literal, hula dancing is also, “very painful,” according to the instructor, in the wake of Jennifer’s spontaneous tears.
Luckily, our girl Tully has another interpretation:
“I’m assuming [Jennifer] didn’t double up on her testosterone shot that morning.” That’s good and nasty, but since we’re speaking in hula, allow me to translate: “I’m assuming cropped yellow flower wasn’t twice blessed with her man pollen delivery upon sunrise.” Again, that’s more like it.
- The actual hula dances
They provided this screenshot…
…and for that, we will always be grateful.
Also, despite (or, I guess, because of) Miranda’s poor showing, she rocked this shirt in her interview:
And we fell in love with ironic T-shirts all over again.
Brooke and Jessica ended up winning the competition…
…but not for Tully’s lack of trying groveling…
She gets so into this stuff. My Antonio is totally the game she was born to play. Miranda says that Tully treats Antonio “like he’s a Pharaoh or a king,” to which Tully would probably say, “…And?”
- This gesturing:
Christi says that Brooke and Antonio are getting like this…
…and she has to make it like this…
That’s another invite to sip and kiss her flower, right?
- Jumping out of a plane:
When Antonio announced on his whirlwind date with Brooke that, “Any opportunity I have in my life to do something crazy, I say let’s go, and I just want to see if Brooke is brave enough to try it,” and we saw this shot, all I could think was, “This show isn’t called My Dead Body-o.” Because seriously, that’s high. And dangerous. And danger is fun, but a broken neck isn’t.
Even these shots made it seem horrifying:
But you know how this show loves its angles, and it was finally revealed that the jump wasn’t so bad at all:
Kid stuff. A flower could do it!
- Jumping off a plane to be hand-fed prosciutto
Because cold cuts are hot and sexy. Especially when the woman you’re feeding them to goes on to spit them out into your hand!
This is so hot, I think we’re gonna need to slap this with a MA rating. Meat Advisory, I’m putting it out there. Explaining her need to reject the prosciutto, Brooke said, “It’s a little warm,” which Antonio found positively hysterical:
Hey, man, whatever floats your boat, be it sliced meat or…jokes about sliced meat. Or not even jokes: statements. Whatever. It’s your show.
- The dolphin trainer
Why the hell did she want everyone to kiss everything?
She kept saying, “smooch,” which: gross.
Really, what the hell? Is she so good at dolphin-training that she feels she’s been instilled with the self-confidence to take on people-training? They should have hula danced for her. Try taming flowers, lady! They’re wild! Wiiiild!
Oh, and P.S.:
Tully totally put the dolphin up to that.
- Christi’s espionage.
Speaking of being instilled with a sense of power, after Christi was pulled aside by Yvonne to help get rid of Tully, she’s acting like she’s ascended to the throne of Master Manipulator. Too bad she doesn’t get to wear the crown…
There’s only room for one of those…in the frame.
This poolside Operation: Topple Tully pow-wow included a hilarious exchange:
Christi: I don’t know, she says she’s here for Antonio 100 percent.
Yvonne: Oh, I’m sure she is. But for why?
Christi then conceded that is the question. Indeed. “But for why,” is the central question of My Antonio, and most everything that’s on VH1 for that matter.
This led to some highly intimate snuggling…
…in which Christi got Tully to admit that she doesn’t work, and when she faces financial problems, she’s supported by her parents. Meanwhile, Tully’s interviewing, “Christi’s really nice!”
Pretty sneaky, sis.
- Jennifer’s burning out, not fading away.
After being admonished by Antonio for smoking at dinner, Jennifer told him, “Ooh, shut your face, I’m not smoking.” Ballsy. The broken-up rant that snowballed into a self-elimination, also included, “At this point right now, I don’t want to be with you because I don’t know anything about you,” “I don’t want to be the fourth or fifth person to kiss you,” referring to Tully as “homechick,” and saying “f***” in front of Yvonne, whose eyes grow wide enough to touch her neck and clutch her pearls (or lei, I guess, technically).
And while I love this reaction on a superficial level, something tells me that Yvonne has dropped an F-bomb or two in her day.
In the end, after threatening to do so about 5,000 times, Jennifer walked off.
“It’s frickin’ drainin’ mah soul,” she explained before shouting for somebody, anybody to get her a cigarette. Previously in the episode, she told Antonio, “I want to do something with a waterfall. Jump off a waterfall, be under a waterfall…somethin’.” Here’s hoping she doesn’t go chasing ‘em.
Anyway, Jennifer’s self-elimination sucks for us because she was bold enough to bring the drama. If she was capable of this display in Episode 4, who knows the levels of histrionics she could have brought by, say, Episode 8? Thankfully, someone has stepped to the plate in the drama department:
Just another day on the master-manipulator grind! But for why? Why, our entertainment, of course!