In the great race of fruit, we have just one thing to say: go banana!
The first thing we loved about this week’s show was the first thing that really happened on this week’s show:
- Christi’s outburst
S*** gets real when a crying girl is willing to expose her breasts for her cause.
Well, most girls at least. Since Christi has posed for Playboy, this probably means a little less. But it’s still funny!
Anyway, the fight started because Christi was mad at Miranda telling her to calm down as she flipped out about Antonio “abandoning” them at dinner last week after Jen’s outburst. This show is outbursting at the seams. In this confrontation, Miranda played the straight woman to hilarious effect, asking, “Does anyone know how to work this oven?”
Domestic sisterhood is apparently too strong a bond for Christi to ignore the request for help, so she fiddled with the oven and berated Miranda at the same time (“Listen, I don’t know what’s going on between me and you…”).
Miranda explained that all she was trying to do was keep Christi from making an ass of herself. “You had a lot to drink tonight,” added Miranda. “No I didn’t,” said Christi who at this point was clearly too drunk to remember how drunk she was just moments before. This face-to-face ended with Miranda calling Christi “sloppy drunk.” As if interested to prove just that, Christi then ranted and flashed her boobs and slurred, “How daaaaare her!” and threatened violence (“I wanna knock that bitch out right now! I wanna knock that f***ing bitch out right now!”). Meanwhile…
…Miranda let everyone know how much she had invested in this silliness. Leftover turkey was more exciting. Classic.
Christi was finally calmed down by the perpetually level-headed Brooke…
Brooke later interviewed, “It’s all so bizarre.” Indeed. That’s the point, right?
Continuing on, the next thing we loved about this episode was…
- Antonio referring to himself as “Papa”
…as in “Hello, Papa’s home!” Lucky for them, the girls would later in the episode get to see just how big Papa is.
- Tony Says
The only thing more absurd than a “Simon Says knock-off” (according to Brooke) forming the basis of a reality TV challenge is that it worked! One-by-one the girls were eliminated because he didn’t say, “Tony says.” Absolutely amazing.
But let’s not chortle too much — this is serious, per Antonio’s all of a sudden serious expression when he informed them, “You’re gonna have to do what I say.”
This childhood throwback isn’t kids’ stuff, OK?
In the end, it came down to Tully and Brooke, and for Brooke’s reluctance to grunt while running and punching the air, she ended up losing it to Tully. Tully attributed her success thusly: “It’s ’cause I still know how to follow your directions!” It’s really nice that we were able to get a snapshot of their former marriage via a game typically played by kindergarteners.
Fittingly, Tully’s reward was a mini-game of house:
She told him she’s grown up and he said he saw the change. Also featured:
Dimple violation. But it was mature dimple violation. That’s the difference.
- The contagiousness of spying
You know how Christi was put up by Yvonne to get the dirt on Tully, and ever since than she’s been “Go-go gadget endearment!” and, like, peeking around corners and stuff? Yeah, it’s caught on, as the other girls got an eyeful of Antonio’s hammock date with Tully:
At one point, Brooke seemed to grow bored at the reality show unfolding before her eyes: “By now, he woulda kissed me 10 times, so this needs to hurry up.” I feel bad for her that she didn’t have a TV screen in front of her to throw something at. That’s a drawback of the medium of live performance, I guess.
But, on the other hand, thanks to the spying, we were privileged to some inspired commentary:
I don’t think anyone could have said it better than that.
In the end, Autumn told Tully about the spying. Why, you ask? Uh, why does anyone do anything? That isn’t even hypothetical. I’d really like to know. Why, everyone? Why?
Tully said that she wasn’t crazy about being spied on. “I didn’t have any privacy on my date? That kinda sucks.”
Shhh! Nobody tell her that her date was filmed for TV broadcast. Seriously, I don’t think she could handle it.
- Letting your heart guide your hands
Forever, we will refer to this episode as “the one where the girls got to sculpt Antonio’s pee-pee.” Christi found the prospect delicious.
As a result of this challenge, of course…
…hilarity ensued. It’s probably doubtful that Antonio had exposed his actual prosciutto, as there was a stray shot of him adjusting…
…what? A Speedo? A thong? A micro-jock strap? Some kind of fabric. But you know, sometimes creating the illusion of nudity is just as effective as actual nudity. I learned that from America’s Next Top Model.
Here’s how the resulting sculptures turned out:
That’s Tania’s. On his interesting platform, she said, “This is a pyramid and you’re my pharaoh on the top.” Last episode, Tully was accused of treating Antonio like he’s her pharaoh. Are we being set up for something here? Could it be that the My Antonios are going to Egypt? Please?
That’s Autumn’s, which got props for its inclusion of the bed and, thus, completeness.
And that’s Tully’s. The mound on top of him is supposedly her riding him. Kind of unflattering on her part. I hope this is a reflection of poor sculpting and not self-image.
She’s the only one who did sculpt Antonio’s pee-pee. I guess she’s the authority. Thanks for the (considerable!) scoop, Tulls!
And that’s Christi’s. In the end Autumn won, and so did Christi. I think the abs pushed her over the edge. Antonio announced that they’d share a “two-on-one” date with him. So, basically, he’s the real winner in all this, yet again!
- Tony Sabato’s Disco Party Tonightâ„˘
I’m slightly disappointed that he didn’t rock a leisure suit or even so much as a butterfly collar. But, at least his ladies were more than happy to get down (tonight).
The back-biting for just minutes with Antonio in this very public space was reminiscent of that which happens on a dating-show premiere. Which is to say that no one’s any the wiser since they started filming this show. Not surprising, but notable all the same.
Anyway, Christi came knocking on Tully’s door…
And then she found herself in the position of having to defend herself when Autumn wanted to do the exact same thing…
And then, awesomely, she both trashed…
…and praised Autumn…
And then, most awesomely, Tania called her out for being two-faced:
That Christi. She’s a busy reality bee. Always into something. Especially throwing Tully under the bus, as she did when Yvonne arrived to get the dirt.
Christi told her about Tully still living with her parents, and surmised that she was pursuing Antonio again for his money. Mama Sabato seemed very pleased with this information. Christi seems to have mistaken that for genuine affection, but I think this screen shot says everything you need to know about how Yvonne feels for Christi:
- “You can’t be on the red carpet with Antonio and say, ‘I’m down with dat.’”
Tully’s criticism to Jessica was sort of standard reality TV nastiness, although it did give the opportunity for Jessica to unleash on Tully (and, I guess, let her know that Christi’s been spreading her business)…
“You live with your parents. How old are you? You don’t have a real job!” Jessica let her know.
But best of all was how it all ended:
Best argument post script ever!
- The fact that Christi and Antonio are looking forward to a life on boats…
At least, if their two dates are any indication. Oh, and what’s up with Autumn being so squeamish about kissing?
“Oh here we go again with this kissing stuff,” is how she put it. How…young of her. I wonder if a feisty one-on-one game of Tony Says could do wonders in catching her up to speed.
For the first time, it was actually served!
And Antonio loved it!
Well, he probably loved the idea of it, at least. I can’t imagine those abs allow much room for tiramisu.
- Yvonne vs. the spider bite
So, Miranda sat out most of this episode because she was contending with a spider bite.
And, like, fine. It’s a tropical location, whatever. Not so unbelievable. Yvonne, however, seemed to imply that Miranda was being a wimp.
“Did you have surgery? What if you got bit by something really serious? I’m wondering?” I don’t know, a spider bite sounds pretty damn serious to me. What is she even asking here? What if Miranda were bit by a cobra? Then she’d be paralyzed. What if she were bit by a shark? Then she’d be missing a limb. I mean, I don’t even get what Yvonne was getting at, and I’m a big supporter of her routine ball-busting.
So Miranda actually said, “Like what?” Yvonne responded, “I don’t know. Maybe a beeeeee?” She sounded a little like Mrs. Garrett, truthfully. I think someone’s tiramisu was a little more soaked than everyone else’s, if you get my drift.
Not only did she give us, “Tully, she’s naturally a bitch,” but she also handled being eliminated with extraordinary grace. Antonio told her, “I don’t think there’s a connection between us and I feel like you might be too young for me.” And what did Jessica do? She hugged him…
…told him, “Good luck, I hope you’re happy,” and left without any seeming resentment. She may be young, but her display was anything but. Maturity, what’s that? Who’s he?