Tool Academy 2 Recap – Episode 3 – Know Thy Toolishness



This week, the tools have to take a long, good look in the mirror, something they’ve obviously never done before…



First, let’s check in with the guys’ toolishness:






Yep! Still got it!

Now, a few finer points:


“I look really good when I’m naked, when I’m all manscaped,” says Mike. “Like Michelangelo’s David? I’m like a shorter, stockier, Persian version.” Also, a talkinger version. The nice thing about David was that we never had to listen to him or watch him move.


David also didn’t peer-pressure his fellow hairless statues into Nairing themselves, as Mike did with Dre P:


Maybe David was never tight with his bros like that. It was, after all, a different time.

And here is the best bit of toolishness of the episode:


John then ate the cigarette he’d just extinguished on his head:


But besides heartburn (and/or stomachburn), the most enduring effect of this is that John now must run around with a giant cigarette burn on his forehead.


It’s very Afterschool Special chic. Burners, you know?

But it wasn’t just the guys who got their tools on this week:



An argument between Leah and Shannon broke out about stripping, a topic that came up in this week’s therapy (we’ll get to that in a sec). As the girls sat around after therapy, Leah and Kathleen bemoaned their careers. Shannon noted that sometimes strippers ruin marriages. She probably had some sort of knowledge base about this topic in particular and was merely trying to relate what she knows of Leah and Shannon’s job, but Leah eventually took offense to this. Why? Why not. It ended in screaming and tears (Leah’s choice quote: “And I swear to god if that bitch say one more thing to me, I’mma bust that bitch in her face!”), and the whole vibe was that of a typical argument that breaks out about someone’s family: that person can complain about their family all they want, but if someone dare agree or add to the complaints, he or she risks vengeance. I’m not saying that Leah’s relationship to stripping is like her relationship to family, but I’m not not saying that, either. I’m just saying.

Anyway, this week’s therapy session was all about modesty.


Trina told them that via their flashy haircuts, gaudy clothes, well-toned physiques, she could tell that modesty was something they were lacking. She ain’t kidding, although I think a blind person could tell that modesty was something the tools are lacking. Hell, a dead person could.

And so, one by one, the guys were to come up and have an “honest” conversation with themselves. First was Stew:


The revelations: He claimed that he’s uncomfortable about the way he looks (including his red hair), although he went on to resolve that, “I should be happy I’m gifted with this good health and good looks,” so who knows where his self esteem is at. Also, he hasn’t had a job since he met Amanda, which is helpful information in case you had mistook him as a prize.

John L


The revelations: None, at first. John started out the challenge boiling about the way Sarah treats him. He told Trina she was out of her mind if she thought he was going to participate in therapy and then chewed out Sarah for telling him that he’s fat. Said John: “You mean nothing to me. You destroyed me emotionally. I hate you.”


He then took a time out, which is actually quite sensible and not toolish at all…


…it’s a measure to prevent toolishness, actually. How uncommon!

Anyway, when John did calm down, he participated in the therapy. He revealed that he still sees the pale, skinny kid he was in high school. I guess the fat comments bothered him just on the surface, then? He ends by saying, “I hate myself, I really do.” So that’s, you know, sad.



The revelations: The biggest one is that he’s a crier (two weeks in a row and counting!). Other than that, he expresses shame over his treatment of Nicole and resolves to never hurt another female with infidelity.



The revelations: He doesn’t introduce Shealyn to his friends when he goes out. He acknowledged that that makes her feel like s*** and says he would beat himself up (if he weren’t himself). He promised not to be the center of attention anymore and attempted to give her one of two promise rings that he previously gave her and that she returned to him. Shealyn, though, thought it was too soon to take the ring back, especially given that just last episode, he hinted that he might not be in love with her anymore last therapy session. So yeah, there was that.

And then there was a quick montage featuring Dan…


…who needs to get over himself and stop being an attention-hog; Frank…


…whose hair is thinning and whose bad behavior stems from the belief that his time is running out; and Mike…


…who said that his whole thing is an act. “The clothes, the hair, it’s a costume,” were his words. And like: no doy. He’s practically a drag king with a penis. But at least it’s reassuring that he acknowledges this.



The revelations: None! He big-ups himself for being strong, says, “It’s not about anybody but you, Charm.” Yeah, we know. That’s why you’re here.

Dre P


The revelations: Leah is a stripper, and he doesn’t like that, mostly because it seems to make him feel inadequate, since he can’t spend money on her like her patrons do. I never before considered that a phenomenon like john-envy might exist. Someone should do a study.



The revelations: He doesn’t like the way he looks, but he mostly doesn’t like the way Kathleen is. Not only does he commiserate with Dre P for being the bf of a stripper, but he feels like he gets nothing in return for what he gives her. Yes he does: he gives her crap and in return, his ass caught brought to Tool Academy. Sounds like an exchange to me.

Anyway, Justin clearly wasn’t engaged in therapy, nor was he in the beet-picking challenge (assigned because there’s “nothing more modest than farming”)…


…the overalls, by the way?


They were “ballrisers” in the words of one tool. OshKosh B’ballrisers, even.


Anyway, Mike ended up coming in first with 1,835 beets collected over the course of two hours. Contrast that with Justin’s showing (742) and you can see the lack of effort.

Mike was very happy to be named…


…”Master Beeter,” although on his prize date with Rebecca, he ended up having to reveal that on a trip to Newport, he stayed with and “made out” with some other girl…


…and Rebecca was so turned off that it was clear that the master beeter would be a masturbator at least for one more night.

At elimination, it came down to John, Justin and Charm.


All had problems with the therapy, but because John pushed through and participated, he was safe. Charm was insincere, didn’t reveal any deep insecurities and probably doesn’t know what it is to be modest, but it was Justin that got the boot for blaming all of his problems on Kathleen. And here’s another problem:


…she dumped him, reasoning that if he couldn’t even do well in Tool Academy for her, what could he do for her? He kind of answered that in his exit interview: “I’m not a tool. She’s the tool. She’s the one who needs the help.” The translation: nothing. He could do nothing for her.

As a coda, the guys got all pissed at Charm, since he stayed over Justin (although they used the excuse of him hanging an “I (Heart) Charm” shirt on his bed, and thus having learned nothing about modesty, which: duh)…


Highlights of this back-and-forth included Mike’s positively wild eyes…


And the transportation of Charm’s bed to the living room…



This is the tools’ way of saying, “To be continued…” Thanks, dudes!

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