Tool Academy 2 Recap - Episode 5 - I Believe That Old Tools Are Our Future

I also believe that we are doomed.

I don’t even have to twist things around, because the episode opens with toolishness in the air…

…thanks to John and Stew’s asses.

They both start the day farting. John says, “They call that a dirty bomb where I’m from.” He’s probably not referring to the Middle East or anyplace where there is a true potential for dirty bombs, because that would just get confusing. We hear that John can produce smells like those of stale tomato juice and a pile of babies in a bonfire. I thought you should know that just in case you were in the market for a more visceral fart recap experience.

And speaking of flatulence, there were a bunch of old men up in the Tool Academy this week!

Just kidding. It was the tools, who were made up to look older, since playing dress-up and applying latex are therapeutic.

Wait…that can’t be right. And yet, it is. That’s the conceit of this week’s therapy on maturity. Reality TV: putting a bald cap on couples counseling since ‘09.

One by one, the tools come out in their older egos, and talk about the future with their girls.

Frank talks about this exercise accelerating his aging crisis, and how he doesn’t prioritize having a job the way Christina does.

Stew, who looks like a Devil’s Rejects reject, has been unemployed for almost a year, and that scares Amanda. But not more than the fact that the old version of him looks like he runs with a crowd of sadists, apparently.

Amanda notes that Tyler looks like Pinocchio’s Geppetto. Damn right he does. Great eye. Amanda should start a blog, if she hasn’t already. Anyway, Tyler’s former interest in babies and the long-term is brought up again, prompting him to ask Shealyn, “Wouldn’t you rather me marry you when I’m ready, too?” She’d probably rather he’d be ready now the most.

Charm admits that he’s been living “the young lifestyle,” but he does want to move in with Andrea and he wants a kid in the long term. Good on him for continuing to play the game as well as his declaration of “I’m not here to make friends!” last episode suggested he was.

Shannon admits that she now finds the future uncertain since Dan admitted he’d been unfaithful. But he hasn’t cheated in almost a year, if that matters. Annnd…it doesn’t, it seems.

Leah says that Dre P looks like “the guy from Sanford and Son.” There was a time when people young and old knew Redd Foxx’s name, and it wasn’t even that long ago. Sadly. But that was then, and this is the future: Dre is now taking his relationship with Leah very seriously and seeing her more as a wife. He didn’t understand his relationship responsibilities before Tool Academy.

Terry looks like old Biff from Back to the Future 2. Pretty impressive production value there — I wonder when they’ll bust out the Hoverboards? Anyway, Nicole feels like she can’t trust him and he feels the same way, since she’s been going out “doing stuff, too.” By out, he must mean the Tool Academy backyard and by “doing stuff,” he means letting another guy touch her hand, which “hurt” him. Ugh, this guy…

Dre says John looks like the principal from Saved by the Bell. I don’t know, he looks more creepy gym teacher than Mr. Belding to me, but I didn’t see him in person, so what do I know? Sarah says she’s been wanting John to tone down the alpha male thing and that she’s been seeing change, and then he shows her a scar that resulted from his freak out last week when all the “gentlemen” showed up to take the girls out on dates…

…and it’s clear that John’s most major change is brush burn.

Indeed, the next morning, John spots a bunch of ants in the bunk, and so he flips over  his bed…

…and tears down the Tool Academy sign…

He says, “This is a joke and a s***hole.” Maybe if he didn’t fart so much, it’d be less of a s***hole?

The challenge finds the tools and their girlfriends’ building a “nest egg,” but literally transporting eggs across this pool of what must be leftover You Can’t Do That on Television slime…

Most of the people sink in, but Christina notes that Terry is “like Jesus,” for his ability to walk on slime…

It leads him and Nicole to victory. I kinda wanted Tyler to win, just because of his long green slime nipples…

Also, compared to Terry, who becomes displeased when Nicole says she’s starting to feel sick with just one minute left on the clock…

…Tyler’s totally there for Shealyn when she has similar problems…

On the date, Terry continues to defer all responsibility, and say he doesn’t trust Nicole since she went on a date with a guy that she had to go on per the set-up of that particular challenge…

He says that this is their last chance. Don’t threaten her with a good time, Terry.

In the end, he lands in the Bottom 3 with John and Stew…

…but it is the perpetually aggro John who gets bounced, which is pretty shocking given that he was such a massive presence (literally and otherwise) this season.

He says he couldn’t agree with the judges’ assessment more. Sarah decides she will be going home with him because, “he’s my tool and I love him.” Well, when she puts it like that, it sounds almost adorable.

John tells the remaining girls on the risers, “I’m not gonna do what everyone thinks I’m gonna do and freak out.” Nice Half Baked reference! The feeling of loss is only growing. In his exit interview, John says, “I’m gonna go back to my hometown and be a slightly less loud less obnoxious less violent assh*** there.” Realistic. What a guy. Will miss him hugely.

Oh, and once he’s gone, Charm and Frank seem to think they have to argue to determine who’s going to be the alpha male then and there…

Their argument goes, “Blah blah blah.” “Yeah? Well, blah blah blah.” If you were expecting different, you haven’t been watching this show.

Related content
Tool Academy 2 show page
Tool Academy videos and extras

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 4th, 2009 at 9:55 pm