My Antonio Recap – Episode 8 – 10 Things We Loved About This Week’s Show

Hospitals! Nuptials! Betrayals! The most shocking twist about this episode might be that it could withstand so many twists without snapping like a rubber band.

The first thing we loved about this episode?

- Christi’s interview location

It’s the closet. Again, to quote Yvonne: but for why?

(Incidentally, once you start saying, “But for why?” you’ll probably have a hard time stopping. Now anything that confuses me prompts that phrase to pop into my head, including the fact that I’m so fixated on it. I often wonder, “But for why?” regarding my love of “But for why?”.)

Moving on, the second thing we loved was…

- Yvonne, girl cowboy

Not only did Yvonne get a jazzy hat to rock this episode, but thanks to her expanded participation, she also got two different interview scenarios…

Neither involved stuffing her into a closet (probably to Tully’s chagrin). But for why? Because nobody stuffs ‘Vonney in the closet.

- Horseplay

First of all, the horseback-riding activity was hilariously introduced by Antonio, who said that the girls were having a morning with his mother “horseback riding away from me.” As if retreating by foot, or even via the S.S. Ciao Bella, weren’t fast enough!

Second of all, Yvonne explained that, “The day is all about reactions, even if they don’t know how to horseback ride.” Change “even” to “especially” and we’re in business. See Christi:

She previously had a horseback accident, in which a horse went between two trees, squashing her legs as a result. In response, Tully jumped down from her horse to attempt to show Christi how to handle hers, tearing her stomach muscles in the process. So basically, Tully’s stomach muscles reacted to Tully’s reaction to Christi’s reaction. Indeed, the day was all about reactions. Yvonne doesn’t lie.

Oh, and one more reaction:

Miranda was way too excited to be on that horse. What a gal!

- Non horse-based reactions

The whole point of putting Yvonne with the girls, of course, is for her to give them a hard time, and so she did when they finally reached this picnic table set up in the middle of a meadow. She asked each of the girls why they should be with Antonio, and mostly got stock answers.

Although Christi did say that she felt that she had the silliness stripped out of her via this show, and that was weird because, um, no she hasn’t. We’ve seen her act plenty silly. That’s about the only thing that hasn’t been stripped off her.

When it came time for Tully, she told Yvonne that she didn’t understand why Yvonne is so angry and upset with her.

It comes down to the fact that she broke Yvonne’s trust all those years ago. That revelation (and by “revelation,” I mean “reiteration”) led to this delightful exchange:

Tully: What did I do to break that trust?
Yvonne: Are you kidding me right now? If you don’t know it right now, then I cannot even believe it that you are your age.

But the thing is, she can believe Tully’s her age, since most of the anti-Tully discourse surrounds the fact that she was so much older than Antonio when they married. Her sadistic streak depends on her believing this.

- This cat:

Where did it come from? Is it one of those meadow cats? What’s a meadow cat? Who’s going to take care of it? The next mother who brings her son’s potential girlfriends to that space in order to grill them? How long till that happens again? But for why, people? But for whyyyyyyyyyyy?

- Antonio getting to “see who is Christi”

As Antonio was interviewing that he wanted to see who Christi really was, we were treated to the shot of her above disrobing. Ecstasy. Editing is a hell of a drug.

Anyway, Christi got her one-on-one time, and she was over the moon.

Of course, she wanted to make even better use of this alone time, per this fabulous exchange, as she was all up on him…

Christi: It’s so hard just to do this and nothing else.
Antonio: We’re doing a lot.
Christi: We are?
Antonio: Well…
Christi: What do you mean?
Antono: I mean, what do you mean, “What do you mean?”
Christi: Yeah, what do you mean?

Too bad they couldn’t flesh out that subtext since Antonio had to run when he got word that Tully was in the hospital with internal bleeding.

If you didn’t see it already, you can probably imagine how Christi took to this.

Like glass on concrete, these are the minutes of our reality.

- The hospital scene

After all, it wouldn’t be a soap opera without one!

It wasn’t until she opened her mouth and revealed just how medicated she was that I realized that this was for real and not just one elaborate scheme for Tully to steal away Antonio’s attention. “I can’t keep up with you,” she told him as he entered the room. And then later: “I don’t want you to think that because this happened this time, I can’t keep up with you.” All we think is that you can’t keep up with yourself, Tully. Get some rest.

- Christi wielding chopsticks like they’re weaponry

Christi was angry with Antonio for not saying goodbye before he went to see Tully. Basically, she was decked out head-to-toe in silliness. “We were having this beautiful moment, and then all of a sudden you were like, ‘Bye,’ and didn’t even say, ‘Bye,’” is seriously how she put it. Despite (or maybe because of) her confusing way of expressing herself, she got Antonio to apologize, which is maybe the first time he’s ever done that on this show/in his life. Maybe it was the chopsticks that intimidated him. Who knows? Whatever it was, it worked.

…Except, it totally pissed Antonio off, and he interviewed that Christi not understanding that Tully’s was a life-or-death situation is “the biggest no-no, period.” Nice scolding! They all should contain the phrase “no-no,” just because if you’re going to talk to or about someone like she’s a child, it helps to choose age-appropriate vocabulary.

- The mom-est no-no

When Yvonne found out Tully was in the hospital the next day, this was her reaction:

“At this point, Tully is in the hospital, having her issues. I’m waiting like she’s going to have heart surgery…

…So at this point, I’m kind of happy that Tully’s not there so I don’t have all the drama that comes with her.”

No matter that Christi was reprimanded for expressing a much lighter version of this couldn’t-care-less attitude. Standards are made to be doubled!

- Ladies, it’s time for a wedding day

Of all the hilarious surprises! A wedding! In which the girls have to write real vows and Antonio doesn’t! Can you imagine?

It was an interesting revelation that Miranda was not into wearing a wedding dress…

…or weddings in general, even. “Weddings are for girls who feel the need to be a star,” she said. Meanwhile, she told Yvonne earlier in the episode that she’s an actress. So I guess it’s community theater and industrial vids for her from here on out?

The other ladies loved their dresses. Brooke’s seriously fit her gorgeously…

…and Christi said her “beautiful and very, very cute” dress made her feel like a Disney princess…

Indeed. She’s totally Ariel.

Then, Yvonne, who was made to look like the orchestrator of this whole thing, scooped up Antonio.

“What, am I gonna get married?” he said, looking at the altar. “Well, let’s do this!” she said, barely listening to what he said. And so they did.

Antonio said this entire ordeal made his palms sweat and heart race. Well, it’s not everyday that you get fake-married to three different women. I can see why he’d be nervous. Throw in some Eskimo kisses…

…and it’s incredible that he didn’t fall to pieces right there on the fake altar.

Brooke’s vows talked about getting to know his kids and knowing that they come first, taking her time to get to know him better (and not, say, rushing into marriage?) and the joy and happiness derived via “me laughin’ at you laughin’ at me laughin’ at you.” Man, can these people turn out some one-liners.

During Miranda’s walk up the aisle, we heard Antonio interview, “She’s comin’ out of a movie. It’s Pretty Woman. It’s surreal.” Maybe he meant to include an “a” between “It’s” and “pretty.” Maybe instead of ending his sentences with “man,” he’s changing things up for the sake of diversity and employing “woman” (“Far out, woman!” “It’s pretty, woman.”). Maybe he really did mean that this was like Pretty Woman and that Miranda is a hooker with a heart of gold. If so, seriously? That’s surreal.

Anyway, Miranda’s vows talked about how happy she was to be standing there, how he’s everything she dreamed of and how he makes her feel safe. She called him her knight and shining armor, too. Hopefully he isn’t one of those knights in shining armor on the fire escape with an umbrella.

Finally, Christi didn’t write any vows. Vows are sacred to her, and she wouldn’t say them without this being the real day. She said in that event, she would honor and respect him unconditionally, but she didn’t want to pretend. If this seems respectable to you then you are not Yvonne.

She objected to this union because Christi was her spy. “She could have decided not to accept. I would have been upset, but I would have respected her choice,” explained Yvonne. Well, that’s just awful, now isn’t it? And doesn’t this basically make Yvonne a spy into Christi’s motivation? I mean, both used deception. They’re like peas in a pod, right?

Wrong. To Antonio, this showed a lack of respect, and “respect is like the No. 1 rule at this point.” Why doesn’t he care that Yvonne didn’t respect Christi’s vulnerability and exploited her interest in Antonio to undo her?!? I said it before, but this time I mean it: BUT FOR WHY????????????

Christi’s going home. This is all according to Yvonne’s plan, apparently.

She handed Antonio her bouquet, which was kind of funny.

In her exit interview, she said she felt numb and that this is the first time she’s ever been turned down. She’s never been dumped. I’m so glad that she could share her first time with all of us. Ah, reality TV. You spoil us with your dignity.

Oh, and then Antonio visited Tully in the hospital with some gifts.

At least someone got lei’ed on his wedding night!

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