…and I Want To Work For Diddy is for winners!
We open on what is essentially the supertrailer for this season. We learn that Sean “Diddy” Combs has three main things under his belt that he’s bringing to the table this time around:
1. An extensive resume
2. An intimidating temper
3. A flair for the English language, as evident in his declaration that he’s taking a “hands-on, foot-in-ass, all-over-your-brain approach” to this season, and regarding his potential assistants, he plans to “mindf*** them till they orgasm.” That’s considerate. You know what they say: the best mindf***ers let their partners orgasm first. How tender.
We see a few contestants talk about how excited they are to be here. Most of them come with unlikely titles:
The 11 contestants convene outside of Bad Boy but are soon turned away…
…here is where they must sleep:
I think this is basically to let you know that wanting to work for Diddy just amounts to masochism dressed as careerism. Noelle wonders, “Don’t hobos usually sleep in parking garages?” Nah, they usually sleep in box cars, spooning their sacks on sticks. Besides this comment, the only person who seems to have a true problem with this is Ivory…
“The hair and the makeup and all of that that goes into being fabulous me cannot happen outside on the floor in a sleeping bag,” she explains. Ah, so I guess Ivory is the type to do all her beautifying in her sleep. You’d be amazed at the great smoky eye you can do in the REM state.
It’s kind of cute, though, they way they all stay together:
I guess being forced to sleep in a parking lot has a way of bonding people.
The next morning, the group makes its way to Bad Boy. One by one, they’re made to sit in a room, only to realize that Diddy is sitting silently in an adjacent office:
They are all shocked and amazed to be in his presence. I guess they missed the memo that this show is called I Want To Work for Diddy. Happens. We see interview footage of him saying he didn’t find the “right” assistant. Well, that sounds reason enough to try again! Moving on, Diddy explains that he wants to see how these contestants respond to an uncomfortable situation. “This is gonna require some of my acting skills, but it’s gonna be fun!” he adds. He’s seriously never sounded more endearing. Sometimes being up front about your sadistic motivation makes all the difference! I’m not even kidding.
Anyway, the uncomfortable situations Diddy puts his prospective assistants through include:
Telling Kennis to get up immediately after he sits down because he’s interrupting Diddy’s phone convo.
Ignoring Daniel as he gushes about Diddy’s office reminding him of the “blessing of life.”
Having a staring contest with Jen.
Pretending to chug vodka.
Berating Ivory for her cleavage. (Her reaction is the best, too: “Would you like me to adjust it or turn…?”)
Stuffing his face.
Telling Kennis that he loves him.
Having Melissa sing “God Bless America”…
…and being really encouraging about it.
And asking John, “How can you help me make a zillion dollars? A zillion!”
The entire ordeal can be summed up by Ivory’s reaction:
As they await the results of their preliminary interviews, Capricorn enters the room…
She soon divides the group into Uptown and Downtown teams. Here’s Uptown:
For Downtown, Ebony, Dalen, John and Melissa are called, leaving…
…Jen and Blake. Both think they bombed the interview, and are ready to go home. Jen gets called and it seems that Blake will not being staying. Except she is: she actually did the best.
What pushed her over the top was her recitation of some lines from Biggie’s “Niggas Bleed,” and the fact that her flow did not betray her knowledge. That this knowledge was in the realm of something that Diddy helped bring to fruition is exactly the point. You stroke his ego, he’ll stroke yours. Anyway, since she was the best, Capricorn asks her which team looks the weakest. Blake selects Downtown and is promptly placed on it “to even things out.” Waaah waaah. Don’t get too comfortable there. No one’s gonna let you be that great.
The contestants are shipped to their apartment…
…and the next day, they’re shipped back to Bad Boy, where Diddy addresses them via video message:
He tells them that his upcoming Last Train to Paris is an “global” album. I never would have gotten that just from the title. Diddy needs to be more obvious. Down with subtlety! Anyway, the challenge is to take to the streets and record people saying, “Last train to Paris is boarding now,” in as many languages as possible in three hours.
And so they do that.
Their language collecting is interrupted by commands via the red phone, Diddy’s supposed direct line to the contestants. Downtown is told:
And they scurry of to do so. I love that a grown man’s request for 60 balloons is not once questioned. I think we all know that Diddy has his reasons for needing so many balloons.
Over on Uptown, Ivory has been put in charge of the phone, but she somehow misses the message…
They finally read it within 11 minutes of having to accomplish it, which means they must run. Here’s what that looks like:
They all make it back in time with the requested large volumes of balloons and cologne…
There they find that Downtown ended up collecting 52 languages, versus Uptown’s 46. Downtown wins!
At home, perhaps out of frustration or maybe just because she’s an amusing combination of aggressive and bizarre, Ivory becomes extremely territorial over an exercise ball…
She wields the pump as though it’s a weapon:
…carries it with her wherever she goes…
…uses it as support…
…and deflates it when she’s done with it. Just in case you get it twisted: she’s not here to make workout buddies. Jen wonders, “How could you be such a bitch?” “Because I am, and I’m the queen bitch,” says Ivory. After all, every king needs a queen, and so does every reality show.
Oh, and this is totally random, but isn’t Zach like a hot version of Kadeem Hardison and/or Michael Bivins?
Anyway, Uptown’s on the chopping block…
Capricorn asks them about what happened, but obviously she doesn’t care because she says they’re dancing around their loss. Losing is not almost winning. “Losing is for losers,” is something she actually, wonderfully says.
I can’t wait to find out who coming in around the middle is for.
Capricorn introduces her board of fellow decision-makers…
Just in case you need their credentials:
The typical I Want To Work for Diddy losing-team poll is taken: Kennis thinks Ivory should be in the Bottom 2. Noelle picks Zach. Zach picks Noelle. Ivory picks Noelle. Daniel picks Noelle. They all seem to think that Noelle collected zero languages, since that’s what Zach said earlier, even though he goes on to backtrack. Watch out for Zach — he’s a slippery eel in Dwayne Wayne glasses.
Noelle chooses Ivory to join her in the Bottom 2.
Given everything we’ve seen of Ivory so far, this was a terrible choice. Maybe everyone else’s antagonizing was cut out and Noelle found herself in a house full of people not there to make friends, but from what we saw, Ivory was by far the most aggressive in the house and there’s no way the person bringing so much drama so early was going to leave on the first episode. Beauty queen, please! For that alone she deserves the elimination that’s coming to her, although Phil does make sure to warn Ivory on her attitude. Walk a fine line, Ivory: entertain us with nastiness without getting the boot. You’re resourceful. You can do it.
“It’s back to the pageants!” says Noelle on her way out. Hmmmm. Maybe she shouldn’t have signed up for this show in the first place. Maybe something like Toddlers and Tiaras was more her speed.