I Want To Work For Diddy 2 Recap – Episode 1 – Losing Is For Losers

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…and I Want To Work For Diddy is for winners!

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We open on what is essentially the supertrailer for this season. We learn that Sean “Diddy” Combs has three main things under his belt that he’s bringing to the table this time around:

1. An extensive resume

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2. An intimidating temper

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3. A flair for the English language, as evident in his declaration that he’s taking a “hands-on, foot-in-ass, all-over-your-brain approach” to this season, and regarding his potential assistants, he plans to “mindf*** them till they orgasm.” That’s considerate. You know what they say: the best mindf***ers let their partners orgasm first. How tender.

We see a few contestants talk about how excited they are to be here. Most of them come with unlikely titles:

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The 11 contestants convene outside of Bad Boy but are soon turned away…

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…here is where they must sleep:

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I think this is basically to let you know that wanting to work for Diddy just amounts to masochism dressed as careerism. Noelle wonders, “Don’t hobos usually sleep in parking garages?” Nah, they usually sleep in box cars, spooning their sacks on sticks. Besides this comment, the only person who seems to have a true problem with this is Ivory…

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“The hair and the makeup and all of that that goes into being fabulous me cannot happen outside on the floor in a sleeping bag,” she explains. Ah, so I guess Ivory is the type to do all her beautifying in her sleep. You’d be amazed at the great smoky eye you can do in the REM state.

It’s kind of cute, though, they way they all stay together:

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I guess being forced to sleep in a parking lot has a way of bonding people.

The next morning, the group makes its way to Bad Boy. One by one, they’re made to sit in a room, only to realize that Diddy is sitting silently in an adjacent office:

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They are all shocked and amazed to be in his presence. I guess they missed the memo that this show is called I Want To Work for Diddy. Happens. We see interview footage of him saying he didn’t find the “right” assistant. Well, that sounds reason enough to try again! Moving on, Diddy explains that he wants to see how these contestants respond to an uncomfortable situation. “This is gonna require some of my acting skills, but it’s gonna be fun!” he adds. He’s seriously never sounded more endearing. Sometimes being up front about your sadistic motivation makes all the difference! I’m not even kidding.

Anyway, the uncomfortable situations Diddy puts his prospective assistants through include:

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Telling Kennis to get up immediately after he sits down because he’s interrupting Diddy’s phone convo.

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Ignoring Daniel as he gushes about Diddy’s office reminding him of the “blessing of life.”

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Having a staring contest with Jen.

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Pretending to chug vodka.

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Berating Ivory for her cleavage. (Her reaction is the best, too: “Would you like me to adjust it or turn…?”)

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Stuffing his face.

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Telling Kennis that he loves him.

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Having Melissa sing “God Bless America”…

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…and being really encouraging about it.

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And asking John, “How can you help me make a zillion dollars? A zillion!”

The entire ordeal can be summed up by Ivory’s reaction:

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As they await the results of their preliminary interviews, Capricorn enters the room…

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She soon divides the group into Uptown and Downtown teams. Here’s Uptown:

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For Downtown, Ebony, Dalen, John and Melissa are called, leaving…

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…Jen and Blake. Both think they bombed the interview, and are ready to go home. Jen gets called and it seems that Blake will not being staying. Except she is: she actually did the best.

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What pushed her over the top was her recitation of some lines from Biggie’s “Niggas Bleed,” and the fact that her flow did not betray her knowledge. That this knowledge was in the realm of something that Diddy helped bring to fruition is exactly the point. You stroke his ego, he’ll stroke yours. Anyway, since she was the best, Capricorn asks her which team looks the weakest. Blake selects Downtown and is promptly placed on it “to even things out.” Waaah waaah. Don’t get too comfortable there. No one’s gonna let you be that great.

The contestants are shipped to their apartment…

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…and the next day, they’re shipped back to Bad Boy, where Diddy addresses them via video message:

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He tells them that his upcoming Last Train to Paris is an “global” album. I never would have gotten that just from the title. Diddy needs to be more obvious. Down with subtlety! Anyway, the challenge is to take to the streets and record people saying, “Last train to Paris is boarding now,” in as many languages as possible in three hours.

And so they do that.

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Their language collecting is interrupted by commands via the red phone, Diddy’s supposed direct line to the contestants. Downtown is told:

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And they scurry of to do so. I love that a grown man’s request for 60 balloons is not once questioned. I think we all know that Diddy has his reasons for needing so many balloons.

Over on Uptown, Ivory has been put in charge of the phone, but she somehow misses the message…

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They finally read it within 11 minutes of having to accomplish it, which means they must run. Here’s what that looks like:

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They all make it back in time with the requested large volumes of balloons and cologne…

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There they find that Downtown ended up collecting 52 languages, versus Uptown’s 46. Downtown wins!

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At home, perhaps out of frustration or maybe just because she’s an amusing combination of aggressive and bizarre, Ivory becomes extremely territorial over an exercise ball…

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She wields the pump as though it’s a weapon:

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…carries it with her wherever she goes…

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…uses it as support…

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…and deflates it when she’s done with it. Just in case you get it twisted: she’s not here to make workout buddies. Jen wonders, “How could you be such a bitch?” “Because I am, and I’m the queen bitch,” says Ivory. After all, every king needs a queen, and so does every reality show.

Oh, and this is totally random, but isn’t Zach like a hot version of Kadeem Hardison and/or Michael Bivins?

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Anyway, Uptown’s on the chopping block…

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Capricorn asks them about what happened, but obviously she doesn’t care because she says they’re dancing around their loss. Losing is not almost winning. “Losing is for losers,” is something she actually, wonderfully says.

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I can’t wait to find out who coming in around the middle is for.

Capricorn introduces her board of fellow decision-makers…

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Just in case you need their credentials:

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The typical I Want To Work for Diddy losing-team poll is taken: Kennis thinks Ivory should be in the Bottom 2. Noelle picks Zach. Zach picks Noelle. Ivory picks Noelle. Daniel picks Noelle. They all seem to think that Noelle collected zero languages, since that’s what Zach said earlier, even though he goes on to backtrack. Watch out for Zach — he’s a slippery eel in Dwayne Wayne glasses.

Noelle chooses Ivory to join her in the Bottom 2.

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Given everything we’ve seen of Ivory so far, this was a terrible choice. Maybe everyone else’s antagonizing was cut out and Noelle found herself in a house full of people not there to make friends, but from what we saw, Ivory was by far the most aggressive in the house and there’s no way the person bringing so much drama so early was going to leave on the first episode. Beauty queen, please! For that alone she deserves the elimination that’s coming to her, although Phil does make sure to warn Ivory on her attitude. Walk a fine line, Ivory: entertain us with nastiness without getting the boot. You’re resourceful. You can do it.

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“It’s back to the pageants!” says Noelle on her way out. Hmmmm. Maybe she shouldn’t have signed up for this show in the first place. Maybe something like Toddlers and Tiaras was more her speed.

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  1. Shayla says:

    It sure is nice of VH1 to let Unique come back and compete again.

  2. val says:

    I can work better for Diddy that those people

  3. cheyenne b. says:

    i know dis dont have nuttin to do wit dis lame show but diddy u r the most inconsiderate douche- bag on the face of the planet.u broke up d.k. which devatsed everyone who watches ur show “making the band” they were all better off at hitz comittee. i am mad and wat u have done just makes people hate u .. and those people who r now on ur show must of lost bets cuz working for your non – stylish behind would be like having sextuplets naturally. u suck diddy ur company sucks and who ever let u on vh1 sucks worse than u do.

  4. Rose says:

    I want to send my love and support out to my BFF Ivory, we have been friends since we were 5 yrs old and you are a good person. I need America to keep in mind there is a such thing called editing, so before you past judgement on anyone on the show please keep that in mind…. Ivory no matter what people say you are loved by the one’s who really know you so keep your head up and continue to be passionate about all that you do, Remember this honey some of the greatest people in this world were and still are misunderstood and you are among those stars….. I love you and keep being you….. Good Job Reppin the Queen B’s…. LOL

  5. M.A.Q. says:

    this episode was so hilarious ! even though i knew Noelle wouldnt be a good _#`&@*_#$#_(@!! istant for diddy cuzz shes too shallow but i still would want Ivory to go home first. CNT STAND IVORY !

  6. Clt says:

    Thanks Ivory. Another stank attitude black woman on tv. I wish the team had put you up against Zac. You couldn’t have destroyed him like you did Noelle. I can’t wait until this scar faced fool goes home. The business with no one using the air she put in the ball was ridiculous. You rather blow it up twice a day than let someone else use it? How stupid and selfish. Thankfully the team is already tired of you and soon enough will vote off the conflict.

  7. Q says:

    Reality television is so predictable. Once I saw Ivory I knew the role they would have her to play, The ANGERY BLACK WOMAN. I know its a competition, but still have some class and respect for yourself. Ivory made herself look like an a@@. But what is really funny is the fact that they will keep her on here for a while because see makes “good television.” Which says a lot about our culture. If she is an woman of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. she should know better, however, everyone is not brought in the right way, lol.

  8. joe says:

    Puffy, P-Diddy, or “Mr. Combs”, I know that the struggle to stay above ground financially
    may seem tough. But, I’m about to give you some extremely tough love! If you were to take only one second, and
    look into the the miror of where you really came from… you would be extremely ashamed to be talking about your stupid ~+)`#&~#_$&~%(+ desires for food, maybe apple sauce before a show or after sex!
    You know damn well its not about that!.., and it’s not who you are, so why would you want the public to think that about you?
    You were convinced to sell out based on poll-advice and fear!, Its not to late yet… Your advisors may tell you to do
    things for the shows, But I know that is only the power of money speaking. Where is the “Diddy” We all made famous in
    the first place? (and yes, we did make you famous and wealthy, and yes.. it is being taken away very slowly! It was
    given to you because of your original truth, passion, and reality, and was why we gave it to you with pride.) you will
    continue to slowly fail, dwindle, and wonder.. until you come
    to peace with that reality that you know, it’s time for a message. Your Message! That’s why we made you famous in the
    first place! It’s time to bring it and I want to hear it without all your “people’s” B.S., just put it on the line
    and let us hear your true platinum! Only then will you bring the message you were meant to bring!