The funny thing about blurring is that it makes everything seem naughtier than it actually is. Oh, show, you’re such a tease!
We open with Extra getting all pissed off about the mess in the house. There is seriously, like, a bowl in the sink, and it’s only the second day. Wait for a few weeks in, when the house is fit to be condemned and a few roaches prove so tenacious that they actually join the competition. I love when they bring in the new girls! Anyway, Extra wields a banana menacingly.
Meanwhile, Trouble proves herself a party girl with a pour of a single bottle.
That to her is a shot. It probably follows that a party is not a party to Trouble unless she can’t remember what’s going on, moment to moment.
Extra continues on about the mess in the kitchen.
And I know there’s nothing to do on these shows, but god is she bored early. Luckily, she has her Bible with her.
You’re never bored if there’s a Bible in the vicinity. That’s what I always say. Always. Also, that book looks like it’s about 100 pages long. Maybe it’s the abridged version. It goes: “In the beginning, hallelujah.” Anyway, maybe that leather-bound book sitting in front of her is a Bible. Certainly, some girls have it in their heads that she is reading the Bible and who am I to argue? Heartbreaker thinks it’s contradictory that Extra was showing Ray J her pink-and-green underwear last night via splits, and that she is now reading the Bible. “It does not say thou shall shake yo ass in the Bible,” Heartbreaker notes. Yeah, but to be fair, it doesn’t say, “Thou shall not shake yo ass,” in the Bible, either!
Lil B gathers the women and Ray J delivers his plan for them via his bed.
To this I say: why not? If you don’t have to get out of bed to talk to people, why should you? True societal progress can be measured in the amount of things you can do horizontally that you only used to be able to do vertically. At least, that’s what I always say. Again: always. Ray’s address informs them that they are to come up with scenes to act out that reflect the nature of their potential future relationship. They have one hour to distill their hypotheses into a Waiting for Guffman-worthy scene study.
The girls get to work. Gifts has never done any modeling or acting, but she is an exotic dancer, so she’s fairly confident. Indeed, that seems like as good of a qualification as any, given the nature of this whole operation. Exotica hits a block, so she is aided by Lava. Lava asks questions to get to the root of Exotica’s potential character: is she sexy all the time? Wifey material, perhaps?
Exotica confirms that she is not wifey material. Points for self-awareness! “To be honest, I’m going crazy!” interviews Exotica. This woman is overflowing with self-consciousness. Quick, someone get her a blog to sop it up!
Heartbreaker’s script is hilarious…
…in that it casts her as someone with an ability to make “sexy drinks.” Indeed, the way that Jägermeister tickles your throat can make you feel like you’re the only girl on the planet.
And then, in an attempt to prove that just because you’re celibate, it doesn’t mean you have to dress like it, the effervescent Luscious dons what Heartbreakers terms “a piece of jean.”
Heartbreaker’s showing herself as the HWIC – head wiseass in charge. I like that in a reality star.
Meanwhile, Extra feels like she has an advantage on the girls because she writes. The book she’s working on now is called The Love of Lust. I really hope that it’s a celebration of its title and not a condemnation, because it does say, “Judge not lest ye be judged,” in the Bible. Also, is this Extra’s way of telling us that she’s one of the Bone Thugs? We meet again so soon — I thought the next time I’d see one of those was at the Crossroads or some Mariah Carey remix.
Lava decides to go for a horror angle, so she splatters herself with fake blood.
“Do I look disgusting?” she asks Paradeez, who takes a few beats and then exclaims, “Yeah!” Disgusting or…
…terrifyingly appropriate? There’s a fine line, regardless.
The scenes begin. Just Right does a Bonnie & Clyde-esque action thing.
Most of the action is happening in unseen areas, if the way Ray looks at her is any indication. His eyes tell you more than any book could about the lust of lust.
Jaguar does a “Trapped in the Closet” style hip hopera.
It’s actually extremely clever and well-sung, and it even includes a final surprise, in which she pick-pockets him after spellbinding him with her charms. If there’s anything Haley Joel Osment taught me, damn it, it’s that audiences love a good twist. I see entertained people.
Trouble hits Ray on the crotch with a rose.
And that’s seriously about the extent of her scene.
Gifts does a scene where she meets Ray out for the first time and asks him to take her up to his room to show her his “minibar.”
He ends up explaining that he didn’t like how she was equating their relationship to a one-night stand, but watching it play out, it was clear that he was offended that his anything was compared to something with “mini” as its prefix. Relax Ray: we’ve seen the tape. We know it isn’t mini.
Platinum casts Ray in a coma.
But that’s nothing a little re-sex-itation can’t fix!
Mz Berry plays realtor and that seems to be that. Flossy does a pageant scenario, which seems to be much more for her than for Ray.
Heartbreaker ditches the scripts to just kind of sway a little.
But she does that while scantly clad, so at least she has an angle.
Caliente offers up…
…bolypeenteen, of course! Body painting isn’t just a job for Caliente, it’s clearly a way of life. If she could only get into subtitle painting, we might gain a larger understanding of what the hell is going on with her. We can dream, I guess.
The editing is choppy, but it looks like Exotica essentially snowballs Ray a shot.
Yeah, it’s kind of raw.
Adorable rocks on a stool, pretending that it’s a mechanical bull.
So that stool is a stand-in for a stand-in for a bull. If it didn’t seduce Ray with its sexiness, surely it dazzled him with its meta-ness.
Lava comes in screaming, much to Ray’s alarm:
She ends up doing a bloody death scene, which is punctuated by a grab from Ray.
Gotta get a last one in. She’s dying, you know?
Paradeez’s scene involves guns because “that’s how I was raised.”
She was raised with guns? What would Judge Judy think? Anyway, her dad apparently has a million of them. I suppose that’s a gentle warning to Ray.
Even if she doesn’t go all the way, Luscious’ player-coach scene suggests that she’s been around the diamond…
And finally, there is Extra, who bombs.
She reads a poem that goes, “Sexy can I massage your body and keep you aroused?” I know she’s referencing Ray’s music, but the way she’s doing it suggests a grown-up version of Mother, May I? She also talks about praying together and Bible study. Ray points out the shake-yo-ass discord, which by now is well-worn territory. It doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Extra, who’s fond of scrunching up her face when presented with dissent, ends up fleeing to her room and crying in her frog slippers…
Whatever, the challenge is over. As they await the results, we can see the remnants of Caliente’s bolypeenteen all over her chest, of course.
Let this be a lesson to every future woman on VH1: there is no need to wear flourescent lace when you have body paint around. I have a feeling Trashy Lingerie might be on its way out of business in light of this revelation.
Ray chooses Lava, Luscious and Jaguar as the challenge winners. Yay! Those were the right choices. I know because I said so. The girls hit the yard and all of its aquatic splendor to wind down from the heavy stress of scene studying.
To this, Extra says, “I don’t drink.” And then she does:
Hmmmm. “Do as I say not as I say,” is becoming a motif for Extra. A small bickerfest breaks out when Paradeez suggests that she go read her Bible.
It goes something like, “Blah blah blah,” scrunch, scrunch.
Then: more drama. Trouble double fists…
…with sexy results…
…and also troublesome ones. Caliente interviews that Trouble thinks she’s boring, “so she need to drink a lot.” Sounds like a rationale built for reality TV. What took Trouble so long to get here?
She pees with the door open…
…and it’s not one of those quick pees that no one notices. PEOPLE NOTICE.
At this point, Trouble is hiccuping on the pot.
Lava comes in and tells her to keep it clean because she’s a germaphobe. Trouble says Lava is a bitch. Lava counters: “OK, I’ll be a bitch, but I’ll be a clean bitch, how ’bout that?” Trouble hiccups in response. It’s a regular meeting of the minds!
Lava leaves it by saying that Trouble’s face and body are a mess. She turns the lights off as she exits the room, leaving Trouble on the pot, hiccupping in the dark. She eventually catches up with Lava, who tells her…
“Get the f*** out of my room, ’cause I’m lava and I will erupt.” Whether she knows it or not, Lava’s writing a book called The Love of Metaphor.
This casuses Trouble to flee and deliver the obligatory get-me-out-of-here phone call.
This is helpful because it allows for eavesdropping…
…and a tangible excuse to send a girl home, and sometimes those aren’t so common. So she won’t have to hear B.S. like, “I let Trouble go because she went as far as she could,” or “You hit on my obviously lying brother,” or “You have fake herpes.” Good for her!
Ray takes his challenge winners on their date the next day.
It’s at the Roosevelt, and the only reason I remember that is not because I took it down in my recap notes, but because I once stayed there. It was when I was in L.A. for the Flavor of Love 3 reunion. Ah, the good old days of fake herpes!
We get some back story filled in on the girls, but none of it is particularly interesting (Luscious had a good childhood! Jaguar’s dad is religious!). Lava does talk about the trouble with Trouble, saying she was acting a “disgusting fool” last night and planting what’s already a sapling in our elimination-happy central figure’s head.
Then, it’s cuddle time.
While Luscious takes care of Ray’s chest…
…Lava rubs his feet…
And then Luscious decides to take care of more stuff…
…and it’s all very awkward for Jaguar.
Get used to it, lady. You go looking for love on reality TV, what you often find is another girl’s tongue in the mouth of your man.
Once home, it’s time for the last-minute rush to ensure a connection with Ray. Extra reads him more poetry.
“There will be some ups and downs on the Extra Express,” goes a line. I bet the, “Whoo-whooooo!” sounds like angels singing, though.
Ray calls out Gifts for her one-night-stand scenario. “I’m not trying to smash on the first night,” he says. “You can only learn so much about somebody mentally,” says Gifts. As an exotic dancer, though, there’s probably no end to how much you can learn about somebody financially, right? Whatever, we’ll never know for sure anyway.
…is going home no matter what, so what she says is of zero consequence. :( Whatever, at least she goes out looking great. Leave a lasting impression, that’s what I say! ALWAYS.
Exotica interviews that Extra is going home because she’s fake. “I don’t like you, so get the hell out of my face,” she says, the sass sashaying out of her pores.
Watch out for this one. She is clearly a menace.
The girls Ray took out on this week’s date — Lava, Luscious and Jaguar — are called first.
Looks like someone’s getting mighty comfortable with the four-way dynamic: one on top, one at the feet, and one on the side pouting. What’s not to love?
Meanwhile, Popper looks positively disheveled.
Kind of adorably so, though.
Exotica appears to be wearing candy from her ears.
You know how boys love candy! Ladies, if you want to trick a man into marrying you, hang candy from your ears, put licorice up your nostrils and exfoliate weekly with Nerds.
Ray calls up Gifts.
She’s also looking her best upon departure. Funny, that. Anyway, he didn’t like the whole one-night-stand thing, and her scene has no happy ending. Except, of course, it does. It practically only has a happy ending. It’s too short to include much else.
“His lost!” she says upon leaving. Maybe she can stay in touch with Extra and after The Love of Lust is published, they can get right into collaborating on Coping with Lost…with a foreward by JJ Abrams.
It comes down to Extra and Trouble. On Trouble, Ray says, “I don’t really feed off he say/she say. I can only base it off of what I see and what I feel. You know, and Trouble, it’s just been a lot of people telling me you not here for Ray J. And I’m just confused about this.” Now I’m confused. Does he care about the “he say/she say” or not? Whatever, it’s not time to think. It’s time to say goodbye.
On her way out, Trouble says she was trying to have fun, and no one else was feeling it. In other words, it’s all of our lost.