Homey smashing? Oh, we back on that again?
Hey guys, did you know that Lava is an artist?
It is true. She sketches a picture of Ray J based on the cover art to the soundtrack of this very show. She is also, apparently, here to make husbands as we see her interview that she expects Ray to put a ring on her finger. “He’s going to be my husband, of course,” she says. Of course. Duh. Assuming anything else would just be absurd. Lava finishes her sketch and shares it:
Exotica takes exception to this, saying it looks like a police sketch, which is actually a spot-on way of describing this less-than-spot-on rendering.
“Of,” “from,” no matter. She is foreign — I forgive her for her prepositions. Regarding her craft, Lava explains, “Whatever comes from here, I just let it come out and put it on there.” In that sentence, “here” seems to signify something internal, and not a CD booklet. Strange. Anyway, she is openly laughed at. Her peers do the work so you don’t have to. They’re really generous this season!
The girls get a typically oblique video message from Ray and are shuttled to a warehouse-type building where they meet:
After seeing the JabbaWockeeZ on ANTM earlier this cycle, and now Super Cr3w on this, it’s becoming clear that America’s Best Dance Crew is a wonderful launching pad for reality TV appearances. Could be worse — they could be confined to a life of merely watching reality TV. Don’t dream it – appear on an episode of it. And if all else fails, blog it. Take it from a pro!
The girls have to put together a one-minute routine that will inevitably pale in comparison to what they just witnessed. An audience will weigh in, and whichever team gets the biggest applause will win a date with Ray. The teams are divided thusly:
That’s Jaguar, Extra, Caliente, Exotica and Paradeez on a team they name:
…Popper, Flossy, Platinum, Heartbreaker and Adorable on a team called…
…Luscious, Lava, Just Right and Mz Berry round things out with a team called…
Oh, the forthcoming irony. For you see, as they rehearse…
…Ray has a little discussion with the man who’ll be providing today’s musical accompaniment, DJ Dre Sinatra…
He looks like a smashable version of Cypress Hill’s B-Real.
I use the word “smash” because that’s what DJ Dre (a name, by the way, that’s a flick away from being a tongue twister) and Luscious did, apparently. Not agaaaaaaaaain! Let me guess: Luscious is also pregnant with Ray’s baby haha no she’s not? When’s that gonna happen this season?
Whatever. The girls rehearse. Popper is not good at popping, and Just Right assures us that Talk of the Town is focused on more technical stuff than just shaking their butts. If there’s any word to describe an aspiring America’s Best Dance Crew performance, it’s definitely “technical.”
The girls finish their rehearsing and a crowd materializes.
The host of today’s event will be none other than Lala…
It’s really nice to know that Lala is there whenever VH1 needs her. Little VH1 babies need sitting? Lala can do it! Programming’s feeling under the weather? Lala’s got a 24-hour one-woman show that she’s been dying to share! VH1 stubbed a toe? Lala’s got 10! Like a good neighbor, Lala is there.
The performances begin.
Extra would seem to be reliable along the same lines as Lala. You have a dance routine? Extra’s got a split. Hearbreaker refers to this team as “Hot Damn Strippers.” I’ll let her be the one to sum up the performance, then. I couldn’t possibly be more succinct than that.
The Stingrays are so ridiculous.
At times, they appear to be dancing in slow motion. At the end of their performance, they are actually booed, which is pretty harsh from an audience that’s obviously them for free.
That’s showbiz, I guess.
Finally, Talk of the Town go and kick serious…
The audience is polled. The Stingrays get the strongest reaction – a chorus of boos with some shouts of, “Go home!” peppered in. For their technical prowess, Talk of the Town end up victorious.
This bothers Caliente so.
In an interview, in which we get to see the extent of her boob-framing handiwork…
…she explains, “All the time I’m in the line for win, and never win. Ees no fair.” I mean, yeah, join the club. It’s called the For the Love of Ray J 2 cast club. Even if this is a little silly, Ray comforts her, which is nice and different than the way other personalities run their shows (ahem). He really cares! Or at least, he has those elusive personality enhancements we call manners. So rare on VH1! Are those diamonds or just pleasantries you’re blinging?
That doesn’t mean he’s a total softie, however. At home, Ray just happens to run into Luscious and Platinum in his bathroom. This doesn’t anger him, of course, but he does take the opportunity to ask Luscious if there’s anything she’d like to tell him, nudge nudge.
Nothing other than she looks predictably fantastic without makeup.
In a foreboding tone, Ray promises that they will be having a one-on-one conversation during their date tomorrow. As if that’s supposed to scare her. Please, Ray: don’t threaten her with a good time.
Anyway, that’s tomorrow. On the menu now is a two-on-one with Lava and Mz Berry.
Ray asks Mz Berry about her past relationship — she married her ex at a young age, and it turned out that he wasn’t for her. It wasn’t her truth, she explains grown-and-sexily. Ray, in turn, says he’s open talking about his past so Lava asks him about his “craziest past.” Underscoring the awkwardness of this phrase, Ray asks, “My craziest past?” Yeah, Ray. Just go with it. Lava elaborates: “Has a girl ever physically done anything to you?” Oh, lots of girls have physically done things with Ray. We have evidence of that, which would stand up in court.
Anyway, it hasn’t gotten too rough, since what Lava is talking about is violence. “I’ve hit before,” she admits. Gee, I never would have gathered that watching her gleefully wield a butcher knife last episode. Thanks for filling in that blank, Lava! She adds, at the same time, she does like aggressiveness. Well, then deciding to live in a house with a bunch of women fighting over the same man was the right life choice for her! This is Lava’s truth.
When dinner is over, Ray announces that he’s taking the girls to an “urban-riffic” club. I kinda wish it were a Tigger-ific club instead, just because I’ve always wanted to witness a room full of bouncy, friendly tigers. Oh well, maybe next time.
Lava gets all up on Ray like…hot on lava, actually.
I could seriously provide at least double this amount of evidence, but I’ll spare you. Besides, Ray’s impression does a great job of summing everything up:
When Lava finally unclenches, Mz Berry and Ray are able to share some time together…
…and it is at this point that Lava notes she starts to “feel a little…funny.” Up till this point, she’s been acting…funny, so it’s something of a relief that her insides caught up with her outsides.
At home, it continues.
A gaggle of girls beckon Ray out to the pool, but Lava’s still acting…funny, so he tends to her. He really is considerate, or at least possessed with enough sense so that he appears to be so. He really tries hard with Lava, who at this point is only offering: “I don’t like the whole emotional thing, so I’m just trying to hide.” That is the kind of person you want to be having a conversation with ladies and gentlemen. Lava doesn’t like the openness of the living room, so they retreat to Ray’s bedroom.
It turns out that Lava doesn’t think that the girls in the pool deserve a “treat” (i.e. Ray’s presence, which is an equation I’m sure he enjoyed, regardless of his justified annoyance at the situation), because they didn’t go harder and more creatively during the challenge. Challenge, schmallenge, Lava: horny is horny.
And that’s not even an ultimatum, it’s a command. Lava is bold! I like her nerve almost as much as I like watching her behave in a cartoonishly misguided manner. This is a two-for-one deal Lava’s giving us. She continues by saying that it hurts for her to break it down like this. “I don’t want to come out and say what I really want to say,” says Lava. Something tells me otherwise. (Namely, the first half of that sentence.) Ray chomps his gum furiously, but otherwise remains cool. He tells Lava to let her know when she’s ready to talk.
Downstairs, there is wet canoodling.
Hilariously, Lava watches it all from the balcony:
If only she’d learn to communicate effectively, she too could be lifted from the water by Ray. When Ray retires to his room for some PT (that’s “private time,” not, unfortunately, “potty talk”) with Flossy…
…Lava is still there! Instead of even acknowledging her, Ray decides for to do his PT (or PeTting?) in the closet with Flossy…
…which, of course, Lava watches…
Well, at least she got to really see what she’s not getting. At least she isn’t leaving with too much curiosity.
The next day, Ray takes Just Right and Luscious shopping for sporty shoes.
Just Right suggests Ray try on a pair that ends up being women’s shoes…
…and then they have a very awkward and sparse exchange regarding the fact that she did nothing last night but shower and lie in bed. Between that and her implications about the size and femininity of Ray’s feet, you can see why he wasn’t more eager to talk.
Then, they get gelato, which seems to please Just Right greatly.
She must experience her joy alone because she is soon sent away so that Ray can grill Luscious on Dre. “You know my DJ Dre Sinatra?” asks Ray. “Yeah,” says Luscious. “Like know Dre?” asks Ray. Luscious says they’re friends on Twitter. “But do you know Dre Sinatra? Like, know Dre?” Ray presses on. Look, if you want a direct answer, ask a direct question. This is like probing with an extremely blunt object — we aren’t headed toward the truth, just cruisin’ for a bruisin’.
She says that they talked and hung out and that was that. Ray says the word “know” 5,000 more times with varying emphasis until Luscious finally admits that she and Dre “messed around.” And so it is confirmed: more homies have been smashed. “She smashed the homey,” is the new “It’s a Small World,” and just as wet as the accompanying ride.
Once home, Luscious packs her bags — she thinks she’s leaving. This vexes Platinum so much that she talks to Ray about this.
The last time we saw this level of support and consideration amongst two women competing for the same man was Rock of Love 2, during the Kristy Joe/Aubrey affair. I mean, Platinum is seriously crying over this.
She confirms to Ray that Luscious is here for him. “I just never thought I would have to go through this again,” Ray mournfully interviews. Why, though? Does he think he has, like, perma-dibs on every female? Smashing makes the world go round, Ray. Now, pass the potatoes.
Mz Berry gets called first, and Extra is rocking considerably shorter hair:
These women with their wigs and weaves shouldn’t surprise me when they show up looking radically different from one moment to the next, and yet, they always do. I’ll always be naive in this respect. Forever Rich, forever young.
It comes down to Just Right, Lava and Luscious. Just Right is called up. Ray notes that things were flat on the date. They don’t have the needed chemistry. She’s leaving.
She says she wishes Ray and the eventual “winner” of this show well, and she says this without a tinge of resentment in her voice. The people on this show are chock full of emotional surprises.
Guess who’s also going home! Lava. She was acting weird and this isn’t working out.
She says that you have to put in work to be with her. Do you ever! “I’m not gonna bow down to Ray J,” she adds. Well, see, there’s your problem. At least you’re aware of it. This kind of closure must be satisfying on some level.
As far as the homey-smasher…
…Ray isn’t mad that she smashed. We all smash! We wouldn’t be here without smashing. Smash is natural, smash is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should! That’s not the issue: it’s that Luscious didn’t tell him about it, which felt like a lie. Mmm, sometimes we feel things that aren’t exactly so. Just the amount of silicone on VH1 should have Ray more than aware of that fact. Regardless, Luscious didn’t know how, when or where to tell him. How would be, “I smashed your DJ homey,” when he asked you earlier in the episode when you and Platinum were doing whatever the hell in his bathroom. But it is easy to see her point: it sucks when you feel like you’re being accused of something, particularly of a sexual nature. No one wants to feel shame with their pleasure. That just ruins everything. Ray suggests a fresh start with Luscious and adds that he doesn’t judge people’s past because he has one, too. Indeed: one that is at our fingertips.