If you need proof of how awesome this episode is, look no further than this screen shot:
Very early in the episode, Diddy informs us, “I haven’t slept in maybe 10 years. It’s like a vampire thing.”
So you understand why he’d be cranky. You get to understand this even better when he drops by his prospective assistants’ temporary place of residence. Immediately, he notes that the apartment smells funky and the bathroom is nasty, and then he wakes them all up with a whistle.
Many of them seem to be wearing sleeping masks, but there’s no question that Dalen wears it best:
“This how y’all treat my house?” Diddy asks the groggy group. We’re treated to shots of dust bunnies and things of that nature.
“First of all, it smell like ass in here. Can anybody smell ass?” Diddy continues. He seems to be entirely serious. He moves onto the bathroom, saying he would never come into someone’s house, take a shower and leave it in the state that it is.
“I’m not nasty like that,” he says (“like that” being the most important words of the sentence). Then, there’s more vented frustration…
You want to know what else Diddy doesn’t like? Well, he’ll tell ya: a curling iron on his bar, and flip-flops on his Italian furniture. This is a serious enough issue for Diddy to break the fourth wall and announce:
“Excuse my French, America, but these people have lost their f***ing minds!” And that’s not all! He notes food on the counter and says, “You leave this s*** out here in New York City, you’ll have a rat this size crawling up your ass.”
Yeah, but only if you’re in American Psycho.
I hope this little display makes it clear why these people want to work for Diddy. After that, who wouldn’t?
Anyway, he wants the house spotless, but that’s not even part of the plan to inflict torture that brought him here today. He’s been on a diet for the past three days, working out every morning and if he’s going to do it, they’re going to do it, because he said so and anyway DIET MAKE DIDDY MEEEEEEAN. So they work out.
And then, they’re made to clean up the apartment to the extent that the floors can be slept on. And then they have to do that.
Well, at least they aren’t entirely deprived of padding.
After what must have been a nourishing sleep that will only aid the potential assistants in accomplishing whatever’s in front of them, they’re given their challenge:
The first phase involves calling contacts and various organizations to arrange the donations, and the second requires the teams to pick them up.
…In a pedicab. Because charity just isn’t charity if it isn’t disrupting traffic and otherwise irritating everyone in its vicinity. That’s what I always say. Always!
Poprah immediately takes charge of Uptown (as if any other course of action were possible!)…
Meanwhile, Downtown is having problems arranging donations. John suggests calling “gay stores” because they “always seem to be supporting of the community.”
Thanks for noticing, John. Also, the guy has a point: if there’s one thing the kids benefited by the Fresh Air Fund are missing, it’s poppers. John also does some surfing of Craigslist for free stuff. Again: a wonderful source of poppers.
Back at home, Melissa is stewing…
She’s mad that Ivory questioned one of her contacts to the point where she called him back and out of a meeting to make sure he really was going to follow through with his donation pledge. Anyway, this leads to a confrontation…
…which Poprah jumps into…
…and it’s all chaos from there! Highlights include Melissa erratically shouting, “Oh, I cannot hear myself!”
…And Poprah pressing herself against Ivory.
When Ivory notes that Poprah’s fat is in her personal space, Poprah tells Ivory she looks like a “roach in a f***in’ hairpiece.” And then Diddy comes stomping in, hollering, “See what happens when you leave food and extensions on the floor?!?”
The next day, it’s time to pick up the goods. The teams learn that each member must pedal at least one pick-up for the team, which guarantees us some fun at the expense of the less athletically inclined.
The pick-ups begin:
On Uptown, a completely predictable argument about being difficult erupts.
Blake notes that the donations that Dalen scored are…odd…
They involve used men’s underwear, which could possibly undermine the entire point of the Fresh Air Fund. You know how funky men get.
Pedicab mishaps abound. Here are six:
Dalen hilariously notes initial confidence waning when he sees the other team rolling in with laptops, computers and “like, President Obama.” Indeed, he should feel fear, because…
…for the first time all season, Downtown loses the challenge.
Uptown’s excitement can be summed up thusly:
And here is Downtown’s frustration in sum:
Everyone ends up getting extremely drunk, it seems. But while Kennis is a fun drunk, whose intoxication seems to only affect himself…
…I mean, I guess they’re all affected in that they’re laughing. I just mean Kennis’ is giving himself a headache, while John, on the other hand…
…gives everyone a headache. First of all, he attempts to clean up a spill on upholstery with Drano. Second of all, he announces to the group that he and Dalen have an alliance.
Ebony flips out and calls him a “raggedy bastard.” I love those two words and I love them even more together. “Anybody can get it in this bitch,” she seethes, and I don’t think that she means “get it” in the biblical sense. She carries on, and Ivory ends up interceding…
Ivory interviews, “I tried to pull her back, just for show. I really wanted her to kick him in his head.” I know a lot of people won’t agree, but Ivory rules, guys. This kinda proves it.
The next day, John apologizes to his team with a shovel aimed at his own grave: he goes on to tell them that he’s not going to put Jen up for elimination because she’s beautiful and thus an asset. Later, Ebony, who is also on his team but apparently not an asset, confronts him on this:
“I took it as a racial statement, that she’s a white woman and I’m a black woman,” says Ebony. “Or maybe you meant it as, she’s pretty and I’m ugly.” John has nothing to say about the latter option, but on the former, he says that he doesn’t hang out with black girls but he’s not racist at all. Things aren’t looking so good for John, but I will say that a racist probably wouldn’t do this:
Saved by the butt pillow? Perhaps. Except, not in the scheme of this show.
During elimination, it comes out that during the challenge, Blake and Jen were the only ones to actually raise money. Ebony pedaled hard, Dalen obtained some adult underwear and John fooled around on Craigslist. They also discuss recent tensions, which John beings explaining by saying, “Us as a team got into an argument.” More like they as a team got into an argument with John. Capricorn is aghast when it comes out that Jen made a comment about Jen’s looks.
Capricorn polls the team on which member should go home. Ebony votes for John, Blake votes for John, Dalen votes for John, Jen votes for John. Since this is a double elimination, John can pull two people down with him and so he selects Blake and Ebony.
John ends up revealing that Ebony was a stripper, which causes her to run down her life story: she was pregnant at 16, she has her masters, she played Division 1 track and basketball and she possesses integrity and loyalty. When her 7-year-old has to eat, she puts food on the table.
Since Diddy doesn’t like fake people or turncoats, two things John is being accused of, he is not ready to work for Diddy and is promptly bounced:
“I have a lot of aspirations and thoughts. There’s a lot of options I have right now,” he says upon leaving. A lot minus one.
That leaves the decision between Ebony and Blake. Why should Blake stay? Well, she’s obsessed with entertainment, she loves Bad Boy and she gets the job done. Ebony, on the other hand, does the work that no one wants to do. Ebony says that Blake is lacking humility, while Blake says that Ebony lacks initiative. After the inner circle confers with Diddy, it is decided that for her lack of humility, Blake will be sent home.
Blake’s teary exit interview is sad. “There’s a place for me somewhere, I just want to find it,” she says. Awww. Now that Downtown is down two members, it’s announced that Poprah will be moving over to that team. So, while Blake is crying, Poprah’s laughing…
Yep, sounds about right.