She’s baaaaaaack. (And more orange than ever!)
The first thing we loved about this week’s show, obviously is:
- Taylor’s return
What a fascinating person.
When Steve told her, “You look like Simba,” he was almost being kind. Her mane was much more on the Zoobilee Zoo tip than Lion King. The Lion King was waaaay too neatly drawn to make that a totally accurate comparison.
And then she was pissed when she was asked to change her hair!
Like walk-off-the-show pissed! Like needs-embracing broken-up…
Two awesome things came from this:
Steve ended up with makeup on his shirt (check his right shoulder for the sweetest consequence of comforting there is) and Taylor was able to note, “Steve loves tough. And I need tough love.” Listen, lady: asking you to change your hair back to a naturally occurring color wasn’t tough love or even love love. It was common courtesy.
But no matter what she looks like, at least Taylor brings the drama, like how she she booted Kanisha from her bed and reclaimed it (it was Taylor’s bed last season) on grounds of “seniority.”
Seniority, arbitrary nastiness, a plot point…it’s really one in the same on reality TV. “If you can’t get along with me, then there’s something wrong with you!” claims Taylor. Hey world: it’s not her, it’s you. Got it?
Oh, and if you’re dying to know about her new dude, Willy Northpole…
…may I direct you to his Wikipedia page? You’re welcome.
The next thing we loved isn’t a thing at all, but a wonderful, hilarious woman:
Elizabeth is bar none the greatest source of quotes this show has ever seen. The best of the week? “I don’t usually pay attention. I’m usually thinkin’ about kittens or sunshine or somethin’.” Mariah Carey, meet your pierced, Southern, human-bottle-opener reality TV doppelganger.
Who could forget such hits as:
“I am tickled pink, orange and burgundy.”
“You’re the most amazing person, like, on earth.” (That was during her date with the hunky Dave…
…who is, in a phrase, swoon-inducing…)
And then there was…
“I wish we could, like, make out and talk at the same time.” I can say with certainty, I would pay to watch her try.
Also, a quote that might be as good as the kittens and sunshine: “My heart just, like, stopped and melted into a puddle of the stuff that’s inside Gushers.” This woman is made of an unidentified candy liquid. Yep, sounds about right.
With the latter, she was referring to another highlight of the week…
- The season’s first kiss!
And yeah, I love love and all, but the best thing about this was it led to yet another amazing description from Elizabeth:
“He had those, like, lips that are juicy and plump, but it’s not overwhelming to where they, like, suck your face off or anything.” Thank god. If he sucked her face off, she wouldn’t be able to say such consistently awesome stuff.
- The dunking
Look, whether or not repeatedly dropping women into cold water for not remembering the details of the guy they shared some time with at an amusement park date’s is beneficial to anyone and/or their memory is not for us to say. We are not experts. It’s Steve Ward’s world, we just watch it for an hour each week. I will say that this entire ordeal was worth it to see Taylor squirm every step of the way…
…and to see Steve beam…
You get the sense that he really, really likes his job.
- Post-challenge fierceness
Who needs makeovers when you have such an easy time achieving bathroom glamor?
- Just kidding: MAKEOVERS!!!
This occasion comes but once (OK, sometimes twice) a reality show season. Enjoy it.
(But for real: check out the complete and total upgrades across the board. Especially Taylor’s! It’s like watching a lion become a butterfly that’s fluttering around a tide of Gushers liquid in Elizabeth’s brain!)
- The shock over Angel’s wig-wearing…
This is VH1. It’s shocking when the hair isn’t fake.
Let this be a lesson to the slack-jawed lot of you!
For a brief moment, it felt like Labyrinth and that felt really, really good.
God, what the hell was that fight?
Rocky’s jealous, the other “bitches” (Rocky’s word) are jealous, Taylor hates Rocky, Taylor loves Rocky…
…Rocky’s crying in a bathroom, bam bam bam. It’s like a roller coaster that beats you up instead of taking you on a ride.
- The best of the week:
Regardless of Rocky’s behavior and motives for claiming that Elizabeth’s Dave (he of drool-worthy pythons and juicy lips that don’t consume you) was flirting with her, it was genuinely nice to see her succeed. And look pretty! And tone things down to the point of resembling a person, and not just a force of hilarity. I mean, granted, she’s still a ham…
…(that’s her after the unmasking of the dude who’s feeling her)…
…but at least she’s a softened, love-ready ham.
The woman who did the worst according to Steve was Angel…
She just tuned out of her date completely and was, obviously, raked over the coals by Steve as a result: “You made your bed, now you gotta sleep in it. Stop living a lie!” (regarding Angel not telling her family about stripping) and “Don’t bulls*** me!” (regarding, oh, everything). This heated exchange elicited this response from Taylor…
Admit it: you’re as engaged as she is.
VH1 and Shecky’s have teamed up for a contest, in which the grand prize includes a trip to New York and a consultation with Steve and JoAnn Ward. Click below for details!