Riddle me this:
…who put what in Melissa’s Froot Loops?
We open with Daniel explaining that the group was going about its normal routine when in walked Capricorn.
Normally, Daniel’s would be a completely inconsequential regurgitation of something that we’re watching anyway (it’s always kind of trying when reality shows both show and tell, as though we just will not grasp the concept of Capricorn walking in the room unless someone explains to us, “Capricorn is walking in the room”), except that Daniel’s telling provides a wonderful counterpoint to Melissa’s take…
“Wow! So many things are happening all at once!” So many things or just one completely mundane thing? You be the judge. Anyway, already you can tell it’s going to be a great episode. Melissa is in top form, clearly.
Capricorn explains to them that today they’ll be assisting Diddy directly. He’s doing a press junket for his upcoming album, so they’ll need to help with the green room, which includes filling it with Diddy’s particular requests. Capricorn hands them his rider. We see interview footage of Diddy explaining that he needs an assistant to know his dislikes, because not everyone needs to know that he likes applesauce with every meal, and a turkey sandwich after sex. Indeed we don’t need to know that, but thanks to him saying it on TV, we now do. Ah, well.
The group will be given $500 in total, which basically means that Uptown and Downtown will be combining efforts today. Capricorn also suggests that $500 will not cover everything on the rider, so they’ll have to make choices. Read Diddy’s mind wisely is the name of the game.
Capricorn leaves and the scrambling starts. Ivory suggests checking the apartment for stuff that’s on the rider so that they can save money. First item ticked off: Eau de Ass. As they go over the list, Melissa reads aloud over Ivory’s shoulder, which tests Ivory’s patience. Of course it does. A metronome would test Ivory’s patience. They trade a few barbs, and Melissa ends up walking away and peering out the window while saying:
Well, that took a turn, now didn’t it? My Garden Gifts (my No. 1 fact-checking source always) suggests that, “Being the warrior saint, St. Michael is oftentimes shown brandishing a sword, battling or standing in victory over a snake, dragon or Satan,” so I guess this isn’t totally outlandish. But via the delivery, Melissa sure coulda fooled me. Clearly she is the greatest garden gift of all.
In addition to getting his things, one member of each team is given the task of poring over a giant book of biographical information about Diddy. Perhaps understanding that the pen is mightier than the sword and/or St. Michael, Melissa asks Kennis if she can share in the reading.
No, she may not. Aw nuts, back to dragon-slaying.
As they’re shopping, Dalen notes that Jen is just “floating” and standing around.
Ebony says, “Jen doesn’t contribute anything else but her looks to the team.” Given the question on the way Jen’s looks are regarded that Ebony herself raised last episode, you have to wonder: is she saying that because Jen’s white?
The shopping excursion is interrupted by a text:
Ebony refers to the phone as “the cursed red phone.” Cursed? OK, Gargamel. Between that and our mad dragon-slayer, I’m getting a really medieval vibe from this episode. I wonder if mead was on Diddy’s rider, too?
The group walks into Diddy’s office to find his stylist, Derek, with him. Diddy has to run, so Derek’s going to help them help Diddy prepare.
They pack stuff up from a giant walk-in closet. At one point during the bag-stuffing, we hear Derek say, “Put those away. We don’t need no go-go boots!” Diddy owns go-go boots?
They’re shuttled to the location of this supposed junket. They help prepare a nice green-room table for Diddy…
Probably because she slipped some dragon meat into those sandwiches. Meanwhile, Kennis practices receiving Diddy…
Yep, just another day on the job.
Someone comes up to retrieve the group to meet Diddy. They’re led through a door and instead of a press junket, they find a sound stage:
“It’s like the spotlight is on me!” says Melissa. How rare and not at all like the countless times she’s in interviews during the course of this show…
Nope, no spotlight there!
Anyway, today they will be playing a game show called Diddy or Didn’t He? It’s an adorable pun that if you haven’t grown to love, I’m sure you will eventually. Hosting today is Phil Fraser and his lapel flower.
It’s like team-style Jeopardy! To that point, there are teams:
There are categories:
Oh, and each question is worth 10 points. Melissa on Uptown goes first and chooses The Mogul category. Question is:
Melissa confers with Kennis and they come up with “Mo’ Money, Mo’ Problems.” The answer is actually “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down.” See, I woulda said, “I’ll Be Missing You,” so I can’t be mad at their error.
First up on Downtown is Ebony, who chooses Mr. Combs Prefers…
This one is a smell test. See, I knew there was a reason to grab that bottle of Eau de Ass!
Anyway, Ebony selects the wrong one. So far, so non-scoring.
Kennis is up next and selects Working for Diddy.
The question regards the person you should tell first: Diddy or his publicist. Kennis chooses the publicist, but that’s incorrect. I still would choose the publicist just for fear of being the messenger who gets shot/his head bit off.
Jen chooses Mr. Combs Prefers.
Jen, being a bartender…
…aces this one. Downtown’s on the board with 10 points! At long last, we have a score! I know you felt like Angela Basset, all waiting to exhale. Well, wait no more. Shoop, shoop.
Daniel chooses Working for Diddy.
…pass him a note or signal from across the room? The correct answer is pass him a note, and Daniel gets it. Duh. There is no subtle international signal for, “You have crap in your teeth.” Not one that doesn’t involve a gaping mouth and display of agonizing scraping, anyway.
Dalen chooses Up Close and Personal.
Dalen also gets this right: Biggie.
Finally, Ivory picks The Mogul, which is a Wild Card question. Even though it’s double the points, the Wild Card question in this game is more like Double Dare‘s Physical Challenge than a Daily Double. If you ever wondered how many times you could fit the word “double” into a sentence, I just gave you your answer. Ivory is asked to do the Diddy Bop, and she gets to choose which member of the Downtown team she wants to battle it out with. Ivory chooses Jen, again, obviously, because she’s white. How the color wheels have turned! Anyway, here’s Jen’s Diddy Bop:
And here’s Ivory’s:
And here’s the actual Diddy Bop:
Ivory’s closer, so she gets the 20 points.
Finally, Poprah selects Up Close and Personal and it’s yet another Wild Card. She has to carry as many cups of coffee as possible. She selects Melissa to go against, since Melissa is wearing heels and is also…Melissa. She’s prone to distraction and amazement over shiny crap, you know?
Anyway, after figuring out a plan of attack…
…Melissa fares better than probably anyone was expecting, and manages to carry 13 cups of coffee across the stage:
But Poprah is never to be outdone. She’s a mom-and-pop, you’re a corporation. She’s a press conference, you’re a conversation. She immediately starts shoving coffee cups down her pants:
Ivory’s reaction suggests that…
…something in the non-dairy creamer ain’t clean.
Oh, Poprah also shoves some cups down her shirt, too.
More non-dairy creamer possibilities? No matter — Poprah is able to carry 14 cups across the stage, pulling Uptown into a 10-point lead.
Finally, there is a lightning round, in which Ivory and Dalen answer a series of questions regarding Diddy’s favorite movie (Scarface), his status as remix-inventor, whether he likes to towel off after a shower (he prefers going naked and air drying, since everyone apparently doesn’t but does need to know that, too) and Henry Kissinger referring to him as “Fluffy” (it actually happened!). Anyway, Dalen ends up wiping the floor with Ivory…
This means that Uptown is once again on the chopping block. At home, Ivory discusses getting Melissa out of there with Kennis and Daniel. They all seem to be in agreement. But of course, seeming isn’t believing as we come to find out during elimination.
Before they get to examining what went wrong during the game show, Capricorn announces that Diddy wanted to shake things up. When doesn’t he? You live how you dry. Capricorn ends up announcing that Poprah has been a mole this whole time and she’s actually going to be leading these pre-panel discussions from now on.
Ha! Things are gonna get so much bitchier up in this bitch!
And so, the discussion begins. Meliss brings up asking to see Kennis’ Diddy fact book and being shot down. Kennis admits to this. Melissa feels generally ignored, which she states while pretend-talking on the phone.
That could provide insight into why she’s ignored. Saying!
The argument rages on about the book.
All this time, Melissa’s saying things like, “Miss Poprah” and, “Mr. Kennis” and, “Miss Ivory, I have no respect for you right now.” Very nice. “Time is up, lies are over!” she shouts at Ivory at one point. Maybe you had to hear it, but it’s hilarious. Poprah skewers Ivory for not letting her take the lead when Poprah was on the Uptown team. Now that Poprah’s somewhat in charge, the jig is up. “All your little trickeries are over!” she informs Ivory. She should call her “My Pretty” after that, but sadly, she doesn’t.
The team is polled on the worst player. Kennis votes for Melissa, Ivory votes for Melissa, Melissa votes for Ivory and Daniel votes for Ivory. Since they all had an agreement to vote for Melissa, this makes Ivory want to spank Daniel like the “disobedient child” that he is. Not for the handsome, naughty man he is? Interesting. Kennis then changes his vote to Ivory, noting that he has no pact. So it’s Ivory who’s voted down and she, of course, calls down Melissa.
Why should Ivory stay? She stands for a lot of the things Diddy does, and while she may be intimidating, she gets the job done. Ivory says Melissa should go because she’s not a good team player. Melissa thinks Ivory should go because this is her third time in the Bottom 2, and she does not communicate effectively. Rainbows and police tape and hairpins are spewing out of Melissa’s mouth as she discusses Ivory’s ability to communicate.
They’re asked about the game show, and Melissa talks about her wrong answer and Kennis’ inability to help. Capricorn berates Ivory for calling up Melissa, when she should have called up Kennis, who didn’t let Melissa read his book. To be fair, though, Ivory was on the same page as him, pun intended. “Think smarter, this is strategic game!” says Capricorn. That may sound like a silly thing to verbalize, but it’s soooooo much better than hearing someone say, “This is not a game.” I’ll take what you’re serving, Cap!
Anyway, the panel has Melissa and Ivory sit down, and Andre asks Kennis why he’s a turncoat. It was foolish to throw Ivory under the bus, when she can help him in this competition. The act of changing his vote after he, Daniel and Ivory had an agreement is the kind of bitchassness that Diddy hates, and so it is unanimous: Kennis is not ready to work for Diddy.
Kennis interviews that he’s “hurt” that he slipped up. “In this kind of competition, you cannot mess up,” he says. Ain’t it the truth? Kennis concludes by saying he thought he was playing a game and he got played by it. How ’bout a, “We could leave at any time,” or even a “I wasn’t there to make friends?” Just one more reality cliche for the road? Please?