In this episode, Diddy’s demands are so extreme…
…not even he can keep a straight face!
When we begin, Jen is tipsy.
She is so tipsy that she seems to have this reality show confused with Diablo Cody’s beloved masterpiece of girl-on-girl crime, Jennifer’s Body.
Whatever, they’re both named Jennifer, so I guess it’s a name thing.
Dalen, Daniel and Ivory decide to give Jen a quiz on black history to see how lit she is and/or how honest that will make her. Based on the answers to her peers’ questions, among the things Jen seems to consider as facts about famous African Americans are:
- Mickey Mantle was the first African American to play professional baseball
- Oprah is the first black female millionaire
- Rosa Parks led slaves to freedom
- Martha is Martin Luther King’s wife’s name
- The Beatles are part of black history
- James Brown and she share a birthday
At least she’s a fun drunk, and not a hateful one!
After the quiz, Jen lounges seductively…
…on top of Dalen…
…not that you can blame her, really, ’cause the guy is looking better and better every week. He’s not just preserving his sexy, he’s cultivating it.
Everyone’s ready to wind down, since what we’re actually watching was filmed the night of last week’s challenge, but nope: the cursed red phone rings.
Thus, a task is hatched.
Daddy’s House is Diddy’s studio, where he’s crafted hits for the likes of Mary J. Blige and Mariah Carey, among people. As the place where “Breakdown” was birthed, Daddy’s House is essentially the Kaaba of R&B.
There, Diddy sits at the boards…
A few of his acts are in the house…
The prospective assistants arrive at Daddy’s to be greeted by a man with the somewhat unfortunate nickname of Skid…
I really hope that underwear had nothing to do with him receiving such a nickname. The teams are going to have to work in the studio for the night, paying special attention to the artists in the building. Uptown will take care of Dirty Money, while Downtown has been assigned Cassie. Immediately, a flurry of work begins:
Diddy explains the importance of having an assistant in the studio: sometimes he may need speakers to see how his music plays with that club effect, or he may need a stripper to see how she’d dance to a song he just cut. Would that be for his own amusement, or is he implying that he’d actually change things around if said stripper didn’t perform to his liking? Given the penchant for lucite heels, I would not invest too much worth in one stripper’s taste level. I’d at least poll a group of them.
Also, Diddy tells his peeps to be as diva-like as possible with their demands.
He suggests requesting Liberian goat milk, for example. Cassie’s manager is so excited at the prospect…
…it’s as though she’s been waiting her whole life to rock a Liberian goat-milk mustache, and she’s finally getting her chance.
The first point of friction (or…lack their of, technically) comes when Cassie’s manager tells Ivory, who’s manning reception, that Cassie is cold. She apparently has already asked about this twice. Frost is forming on the shaved part of Cassie’s scalp. Ivory sends Melissa to get a blanket. Melissa is like, “Wow.” When Melissa blinks, the insides of her eyelids made her go, “Wow.” After 20 minutes, Melissa is nowhere to be found and Cassie’s nearing a state of hypothermia. Ivory offers her sweater but it is not good enough. Oh well, Cassie will just have to freeze solid until something that is good enough comes along.
Daniel commits and even bigger gaffe when he busts into a room and starts introducing himself. Dalen says he does this in the manner of a politician. If that’s the case, he’s impeached when Diddy, who’s recording in an adjacent booth, catches wind of this and his vibe is thrown off.
After a verbal spanking, he kicks Daniel and Dalen out of the room, only to then assemble the whole group to remind them to make everyone feel special. He chastises Daniel for running around the room like a chicken with his head cut off, but also tell the group, “I need y’all dancing.” So basically: no moving about unless it’s rhythmically. He concludes by telling the group, “Keep it sexy.” Dalen’s right on top of that, Rose.
Ebony and Dalen leave to go push a Pro Tools set across town, while Cassie’s manager resumes berating Ivory on the frostbitten state of her client. She suggests Ivory come in the room and rub Cassie in an attempt to warm her up. Just make sure her skin doesn’t start breaking off, like ice from a car windshield, Ive!
Diddy walks int to see this happening and he is disgusted. He tells Ivory to get a space heater, and then once she’s out of the room, they all laugh at the impossibility of finding a space heater in the middle of summer. You’re terrible, Muriels!
And then, guess what? Cassie continues to freeze over like the tundra. After Melissa fails to turn up a space heater, Cassie’s manager says that her client is leaving.
Diddy calls Ivory and Melissa into a room to berate them.
Diddy says Cassie’s leaving because her throat is closing up from being cold. Oh really, that’s how throats work? This story would be more believable if it involved frozen saliva. Diddy asks Ivory why she couldn’t produce a space heater. Ivory explains that she was told she couldn’t leave reception. Diddy thinks that’s hogwash: “When I tell you something, it’s like the skies and the seas is parting. All that other s*** is irrelevant.”
Only Lord Diddy can part the seas, the skies and Ivory from the reception area. That right there is omnipotence.
It’s time to get food. People in the studio give Dalen outlandish orders like double cheeseburgers without the burgers. Melissa, too, is given a list of a number of things to retrieve, including a foot spa and fast food. Dalen talks about being lost in Downtown Manhattan in the rain, except…
…he’s clearly in Midtown (that’s 44th and Broadway right there). So maybe he’s still lost? As for Melissa…
…there’s no maybe about it.
She drops a soda…
…and falls apart a little. In all, her excursion ends up taking her two hours, while Dalen delivers the food in a manner that seems to please everyone. For once!
Diddy is not done with preying upon Ivory: he asks her to find him cards for him that will express what’s going on inside. He doesn’t want just any cards, but…
Cards that express, “I love you and I want you and I need you.” Why doesn’t he just write a song instead? He already has, like, a verse. Whatever, Ivory does this and comes up with a card that says (at least in part): “I want to touch you so softly, it puts you to sleep. I want time with you. I want to hear you whisper and talk…” Diddy says he loves his. He’s on the last train to sappy, or at least, he’s doing a great job of acting like it.
Oh, and then Daniel vacuums and supposedly blows a circuit in the sound engineer’s room. Whatever. It’s just a sound engineer.
The final incident occurs when Dalen is made to rub Dawn’s feet.
Except, Dalen comes to find that Dawn’s boyfriend is not so happy about this.
Maybe Dalen didn’t ask ahead of time. Maybe Q is entirely arbitrary. Either is very possible. So Dalen has Ivory come in to rub the feet instead. During this time, Dawn asks Ivory about whether she hates her teammates and Ivory says that she likes Dalen. She also mentions that there’s someone on her team that she thinks should go. It turns out to be Melissa, who’s summoned and proceeds to say nice and professional things about all, including Ivory. Once all have evacuated the room, Dawn is aghast that Ivory talked badly about one of her peers. “We’re artists, we don’t need to know your problems!” she says. Yeah, except you asked. I mean, duh, it was a trap, but you shouldn’t be surprised when a little green man falls into the leprechaun hole you just set up.
The night is over, but Diddy is not sufficiently satisfied. He apparently wants entertainment so he has everyone dance to one of his new songs for him.
Diddy makes fun of Dalen’s expression…
“Is that a smile? What is that face you’re making?” wonders Diddy. Maybe the music is so damn funky, it makes you look like you’re smelling something bad? The biggest surprise is that Melissa isn’t a complete wreck.
She’s dangerous on the dance floor! (I mean that in the Musto & Bones sense of the phrase. It’s a compliment!)
When the teams arrive home, they get a cursed red-phone message that makes it clear that everyone’s up going to attend elimination.
Poprah grills the group, of course. Melissa admits she dropped soda, because she had too much to carry. Ivory shrinks from the space-heater responsibility. Melissa says she wasn’t assigned to Cassie specifically. Jen cleaned. All of this is shockingly civil, which is why my description isn’t more exciting.
Then, time comes to vote: everyone picks Melissa, except for Ivory and, of course, Melissa. They vote for Jen. And so, Melissa is brought down, taking Jen with her. Immediately, Melissa pleads her case by saying how she keeps things professional. A cameraman with a good eye and a great sense of humor pans down to her feet…
Ah, it is a special thing when lucite heels get two references in a recap. Makes life worth living, at least from where I’m sitting.
Jen is criticized for not being a leader, but she doesn’t feel like that’s part of being an assistant. Jen is what scientists classify as: WRONG. Jen also says she doesn’t like living with Melissa or even being around her. She continues hilariously: “It takes her too long to, um, relay a thought.” She’s not, um, alone. Andre asks if Melissa is such a good leader, why does no one want to work with her? Melissa proves Jen’s point when she replies, “I’ll explain that, sir, in one word: I stand alone.” Ha! An assistant should at least be able to count, right?
They go back-and-forth about wearing makeup to bed or some such nonsense.
When panel takes the decision to Diddy, he basically says they’re both crazy. In the end, though, it is Melissa who is bounced.
Melissa is relieved but sad, and notes that at least she didn’t follow anyone but herself. As if this wonderful person could be anything but 100 percent what she is. I mean, that’s her charm, take it or leave it. She cries while saying that you should stay fighting if you lose. Somewhere right now, Melissa is competing with imaginary peers who also want to work for Diddy.
And so, Jen is staying. Capricorn reminds Jen that what makes Bad Boy better than the rest is its simultaneous every-man-for-himself/every-man-for-the-group ethic and that she needs to adopt that in this competition. Well, that sounds nice and possible. This assistant thing should be a breeze!