In this episode, Diddy asks, “America, this how you wanna see me?”
I think I can speak on behalf of America and say: duh!
We begin with Diddy inviting his remaining prospective assistants into his office for some image consulting. Diddy is going to a Beyoncé concert and he wants to know if a deep V-neck tie-dye and gold lamé sneakers would be appropriate attire.
God, remember when gold lamé was only for ladies in Atlantic City with blackened hands from pumping quarters into slot machines? How times have changed. If this is progression, someone please nail horseshoes to my feet. Actually could someone do that even if this isn’t progression? I need to feel again.
Diddy’s fashion decision is met with a chorus of approval, which makes him feel…
Dalen interviews, “Who am I to tell a man who owns a fashion line what to wear, what not to wear?” And seriously, don’t the skies and seas part when Diddy dons a tie-dye? He’s eccentric and not anything close to a person you’d ever want to argue with. He totally set the group up to lose, since, duh, he doesn’t really want to wear this stuff. He just wanted to see if anyone would tell him their honest opinion. At least, that’s what he says. Frankly, I think the real test is whether or not these people have the fear of God/some other being with sky- and sea-parting abilities (Moses?) in them. And in that case, this group has passed with flying colors.
Great job, guys! Time for a victory meal of fish eyes!
Dalen eats one, perhaps for insight.
At home, they’re faced with berating via Andre Harrell…
“He doesn’t want a bunch of yes men, he doesn’t want a bunch of people to kiss his ass,” Andre tells them. You could see how they’d make the mistake, though, right? Anyway, he informs them that they’re being shipped to a corporate retreat, which many of them assume will be to somewhere tropical. Why on earth would they be taken to somewhere they’d actually enjoy? This reality show is not here to make friends with you guys.
Anyway, they are going to an Island: Staten Island. Ha! A former dump is the perfect reality TV get-away. Anyway, there they meet Mr. Gregory. It’s hard to tell if this is what he actually goes by, or if the group is calling him that because they call everyone “Mr.,” like they’re the Little Rascals or something. Anyway, Ivory describes Mister perfectly: he’s “basically like a zen guy in a white karate suit and some beads around his neck with a bell talkin’ bout silence.”
They’re in a Chinese scholar garden, Mister tells them, and today is about the spirit and inner child. Jen interviews that during this, she was laughing inside. She’s already at one with Mr. Gregory’s teachings, I see.
He tells them to remove their clothes. They show that they aren’t yes men by complying without question.
Mr. Gregory has them scream…
…and do primal dances of animals. Dalen, for example, imitates an elephant.
Dan, on the other hand, approximates what he calls a “cheetah deer.”
So his dance is one of a crime against nature, then. Perfect. That’s just what it looks like.
Next, there is foot-washing. And really, VH1, enough with the feet. There was the Entertainer’s New York lick, the entirety of My Antonio and a bit of it even in For the Love of Ray J, and now this?
VH1: where feet go to be worshiped. Ivory says she doesn’t mind doing this because Daniel is a deserving person. Of course he is: he’s a contestant on VH1’s reality programming.
The next exercise involves writing on arms. That’s great. I think the biggest difference between preschool students and adults is that preschool students are discouraged from writing on each other, but adults are encouraged to do so.
They all need to write one word of praise and another of criticism on one other person’s arm. Dan thinks Dalen is confident and trapped, for example. Dalen thinks Dan is refined and reserved. Ivory says Jen is loyal but insecure. Jen says Ebony is determined and cautious. This makes Ebony cry. Seriously. Ebony says Ivory is “courage” (I’m just transcribing what she wrote) but guarded. Ivory cries, too. Is there lead in that body paint?
And also, doesn’t the fact that she cried over a single adjective kind of refute the “guarded” thing? I’d actually be afraid of the force from the opening of the emotional floodgates if she got some prepositions up in there.
Then, Greg has them drunk themselves in some mud and “emerge from this primordial muck” and scream a fear of theirs into the air.
This kind of spa tantrum process is bound to be helpful for whatever else they pursue in life.
Mr. Greg sends them off to truly face their fears. Of course, the only way to do this properly on VH1 is to enter a dank, dark place and be photographed in night vision.
I’ll cut to the chase: nobody dies. They all return to Bad Boy, where Diddy berates them some more for yessing him.
He also asks them which of their competitors they’d hire (besides themselves) and which two they wouldn’t. Ebony would hire Ivory because of her resume. She would not hire Jen because she can’t multitask, or Dan because assisting isn’t his passion. But it’s so glamorous, artistically satisfying and full of thank-yous! How could it not be his passion?
Ivory would hire Ebony, because she is a tenacious go-getter. She would not hire Jen, because she’s air-headed or Daniel because his heart isn’t in this. When it’s Jen’s turn, Diddy has a little game of Let’s Frustrate Jennifer to Death in store (I can never figure out if I enjoy the board-game version or the computer one more). He asks her to spell “ally,” which she does incorrectly (“A-L-L-I-E”). He then tells her to go to a computer to make sure, because he obviously knows how to spell it and is just trying to screw with her head. She talks about “alliance” and how “allied” starts off A-L-L-I-E, but…
“A-L-L-I-E-D is a form of it,” is Jen’s method of defending herself. Diddy tells her that she doesn’t like to be wrong, and must always be in charge. This is her reaction:
Diddy doesn’t like that. He imitates her back.
He asks her if she wants to be here, and if so, why would she do that to her potential boss? Jen explains that she rarely… hears… that… she… has… a… control problem. Diddy tells her she’s moving slow and he just dazed off. I think we did…including Jen. Anyway, Jen would hire Ebony, because she is a hard worker and fair. She would not hire Ivory because she isn’t team player, nor Dan because his love is somewhere else.
Dalen would hire Ebony because she is a hustler and go-getter. He would not hire Jen because of her air-headed tendencies, nor Dan because he’s a yes man.
Not entirely, though — when confronted by Diddy on the accusations of passionlessness, Dan says he doesn’t know why people are saying that. He would hire Dalen, who’s one of the most confident young men he’s ever met. He wouldn’t hire Jen, because she’s not ready for a position like this or Ivory because she isolates herself from huge groups and is argumentative.
At last, everyone is called in the office together.
They all stand by their claims that Dan doesn’t want to be there. He is accused of not being a leader. A visibly aggravated Dan says that he’s the only one here that actually has shown leadership qualities because he effectively works with everyone.
“You turnin’ read. You turnin’ straight, white-man red. That’s passion right there,” says Diddy. Straight, white-man red seems to be enough for him. Dan is off the chopping block.
Anyway, the long and short of this is that after asking Jen, point-blank, if she has common sense and hearing a long and winding hypothetical plan to pack and ship 10 of Diddy’s bags on vacation with him, the man has heard enough: Jen is going home. He sends her away just like that, shocking her with abruptness.
Jen assures us that this is not the last we’ve heard of her…unlike the rest of the people on reality shows who say this after they’ve been eliminated? Whatever, we are running an interview with her soon, so she’s right, I guess?