I thought Diddy was capable of parting the skies and seas? Frankly, I feel kinda let down that he’s asking someone else for help…
Diddy loves the ocean and sea (and at least claiming to part it), so he’s taking the fam out on his yacht for a dinner that is to be prepared by his prospective assistants, he tells them via video:
Thus, a challenge is born.
Capricorn informs the group that they have to do everything: cook, coordinate and gather. Hopefully not in that order. They get started on the last item…
…and then receive lessons to handle the cooking/serving aspects of the task…
They learn things like risotto is not pronounced “riseetto,” ladies should be served first and what style of ass kissing pairs best with red wine (once on each cheek, like the Italians do; if serving champagne, one should elect to use a French-style ass kissing, though).
After getting word that the party is swelling from five guests to 10…
…the group is ready to get to work on Diddy’s truly glorious yacht…
Just as they arrive, it begins pouring. Ebony notes that “the heavens have opened up.” I’m sure Diddy coordinated that, just to make their jobs more difficult. You know how well-connected he is.
When they realize that there is no alcohol on the boat (for some reason, they were under the assumption that the yacht would have a fully stocked bar, as though they’ve ever gotten a single break in any situation on this show), they send Dalen out in a garbage bag to retrieve some.
He ends up looking like a low-rent Lady Gaga…
When he returns…
…it’s clear that his fashion decision was more about statement than function.
Diddy finally arrives, and Ivory meets him with an umbrella to transport him to the boat.
“Thank you so much for coming, and inviting your guests,” she tells him. What, she isn’t going to thank him for the opportunity to serve him or for being born with an ass to kiss?
Other guests arrive…
…but not everyone. Soon, Diddy asks, “Where my kids at?” It seems that Daniel, who was to be in charge of transportation, fell asleep at the wheel. Ebony picks up his slack with double fists:
The kids finally arrive…
…and everyone gets situated and it’s time for the first course: a squash soup. This is served and consumed without incident, in a retrospectively shocking contrast to the events that go on to unfold. Dan talks to the group about the wine he’s serving. He breaks it down to the grape. Diddy asks if he’s worked in a restaurant before, and he has. Diddy deems this “cheating.” He’s so right: Dan should have scrubbed himself of knowledge and experience so that he could relearn it for this reality show. How buffoonish of him to rely on life experience.
The next course is the risotto, which is actually more like…
…risot-uh-oh. Also, it looks like an atrium in a Petri dish. Diddy notices immediately that something in the rice ain’t clean.
Diddy asks him why it looks like that. Daniel begins explaining that risotto is constantly stirred rice and… Diddy knows what risotto is, and also what it isn’t. Namely: it isn’t oatmeal, which is what this looks like, so what gives? He says Dan never should have put it on his plate and sends it back to the kitchen. He then directs his anger to Dalen, whom he asks, “Would you kill me?”
A man who dies from oatmeal-consistency risotto has more problems than those that Dalen could conjure.
The next “course” is actually a palate-cleansing sorbet.
This, too, is met with disgust over its liquid consistency. “Y’all givin’ me ghetto, cleanse-your-palate sorbet,” he says. He’s so right. Picture it: Harlem housing projects of the early’70s. Kids cool down in open fire hydrants. Little girls double-dutch, while boys play stickball. The sounds of Barry White and Jean Knight’s “Mr. Big Stuff” fill in the spaces in the sound of youthful revelry. When the ice cream man comes, all the kids gather around his truck for some liquid sorbet, with dreams of the more solid variety they will be able to buy, one day when they make it out the hood. Oooh, child, things are gonna get easier. Oooh, child, things’ll get frozen.
Diddy, of course, sends this back, too, and Ivory pretends like she has no idea what could possibly be wrong with it.
Diddy tells them that he’s going to evacuate his family and burn the boat down. That should be an easy thing to do on water. Also, it’s only a truly special employer that threatens a fiery death to his potential assistants. I’m sure they’re all very confident in their collective (televised) career path.
Just to make them more uncomfortable, Diddy’s mother, Janice, visits the kitchen.
She tells Ebony and Ivory that they are moving too slow. That probably never occurred to them. I’m sure before her words, they were just taking it easy back there and all, “I wanna work for Dizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… zzzzzz…. zzzzz.” Thank you, Mama Combs. Now they understand the meaning of hard work. The best thing about this pleasant little visit is that it gives Ivory the opportunity to call Janice, “Fierce Kitty, herself,” in an interview. OMG, new nickname for life!
The apparently slow-roasted lamb is brought out and, shockingly, everyone seems to enjoy it. But that does not mean that this course is to go by without incident. Hoooo no! Daniel pours wine, and undoubtedly noticing that he is nearing the end of the bottle, Diddy asks for a glass. The result is this much:
Diddy rakes him over the coals for pouring the bottom of the bottle into his glass. Daniel finally announces that he doesn’t believe in wasting a drop of wine that good. Diddy cracks up and agrees, but says, “That was a good one.” They’re all good ones, oh parter of jokes and punchlines.
Finally, it’s time for dessert: pound cake with whipped cream and strawberries. Unfortunately, one of Diddy’s sons does not want that, and instead orders off the menu. He wants french toast with syrup. None of these things are readily available, so it’s DaDa to the rescue, once again.
Once Dalen returns, the French toast is made, served and inhaled. Diddy calls out the group and thanks them for serving his family.
He concedes that they are not in competition to be food preparers or servers, but that working for him will require them to don hats they might not be so comfortable wearing. He’s particularly appreciative of their passion. His graciousness feels like magica realistim. Did someone sweat into that pound cake batter? Is this show Like Water for Chocolate? Anyway, Daniel’s passion was particularly felt, so he wins the prize of getting to take the yacht out for the night. He selects Dalen to share in the prize with him.
Diddy and his family leave to even worsened weather conditions…
…all according to divine plan, I guess? Dan slips at one point, but his save is so swift, it isn’t worth an animated gif. He’s uncommonly smooth, this one.
After everyone’s off the boat, Daniel and Dalen settle in for a long night of toasting:
Dalen interviews that though he has an alliance with Ebony and Ivory, he’s out to play nice-guy with Dan. He tells Dan that no one can vote him off, since he won this challenge. Together, they resolve to make the Final 2, and get rid of Ivory.
Except, that doesn’t happen.
During elimination, everyone ends up voting for Dan, including Dalen. Dan brings up with him Ivory, who he basically thinks is a fair-weather worker. Both Poprah and, eventually, Capricorn are shocked that Dalen voted for Dan after teaming up with him. At one point, Capricorn asks Ivory and Dan to go back to the seats, and Dalen and Ebony to come up as the new Bottom 2. But none of it matters, because they’re all safe this week. No one’s going home, and what’s better, next week they’re going to face another challenge as a group.
That should be fun, now that they’re all nice and backstabby!