The best thing about being invited into someone’s house (or “someone’s house,” as it were)?
Getting to look at their LOL-worthy photos of the past. Ah, it’s good to be “home!”
But really, you should seriously check these out before we do anything else:
Now that you’ve gotten to know Frank about as intimately as most of the girls in the house could ever dream of, we can proceed. We all know Frank from I Love New York 2 and both seasons of I Love Money. He likes to holler and put feet in his mouth. He also notoriously lives at home with his parents (in the basement, no less) and somehow this dating show is supposed to fix that, which….eh?
Anyway, regardless of how it all turns out for Frank, he has his parents here to make sure there is lots of yelling along the way. His father, Gary, is more laid back, while his mother, Susan, is active in this decision-making process. She is prone to saying, “No!”
And, “Shut up!”
You know, things like that. Anyway, she should be extremely helpful with the unruly types. And speaking of those types, instead of a chronological blow-by-blow of the premiere, let’s instead go through each girl individually. That way, this recap can serve more as a guide for future reference instead of just a snide retelling. Because in these uncertain times, in this new cultural decade, I think what we really could all use is a guide.
Speaking of guides, we’ll start with the potential guide to Frank’s heart:
Jenny was the first to receive the key to Frank’s basement during the elimination ceremony, as well as one of Susan’s favorites, which makes her the obvious frontrunner. Also contributing to her frontrunner status: her gorgeousness. According to Frank, she also smells great. She works for a government-contracting firm her dad owns, which means that she’s a likely direct route away from the basement. The only downside is that she’s never had a boyfriend and doesn’t know why, which bespeaks some lack of self-awareness, although who knows how dire that is at this point. She might just pay little mind to her image and ego, although that’s unlikely considering that she’s on reality TV. Ultimately, anyone who uses the phrase, “These girls better step their cookies up,” gives every indication that she is more awesome than not.
Oh, and just as an aside: how A Shot of Love with Tila Tequila is passing out keys? Yikes. The only salvation is that A Shot of Love was such a flagrant rip-off of 51 Minds programming that this can be considered an act of reclamation. Also, it is Ice Storm-esque, so I can’t be too mad at it no matter how many times I see it. Love The Ice Storm.
The resident “kook” is one of the best things I’ve seen on TV all year. Granted, we’re just three days into the year, but still! Annie’s great!
Thank god that Frank kept Annie on despite her not looking like his “typical type.” Add that to the fact that she seems conscious of her ability to unnerve people (“Meeting someone’s parents for the first time is just like awkward and you don’t always know what to say or how to impress them or how to not weird them out”). Whatever, she does video art (no, Frank, that isn’t like video games), so we can assume that her participation on this show is something of a project. What is reality TV, after all, but performance art? Finally, we have someone who just might realize this (I mean, when she called herself “really hot,” it may not have been a joke…but it really could have been. Hope!).
Annie, another of Susan’s favorites, is referred to as “that bitch with the flower pants” by…
This Famke Janssen ringer also claimed a bed that clearly someone had already reserved for herself (“I kinda just walked into the blue room and just took someone’s bag off the bed”). She is 100 percent Italian, getting her MBA in accounting and clearly not here to make friends. Now, if she’d only just admit it, we’d be in business.
Speaking of friends…
…Kerry and Cathy know each other from home. VH1: where friendships come to die. How beautiful. Kerry, another of Susan’s favorites, lives in Brooklyn and enjoys the simple things (like starting complicated relationships on reality TV and also possibly ending them), while Cathy is a talker whose brother knows someone’s someone or something. She also likes to shave her legs, apparently.
Melody is a restaurant manager from Nashville. She is 35, which gives Frank pause: “Melody, she might be a little too old for me. I do want kids, but men can have babies at 80. Look at Tony Randall, although he’s dead now and can’t enjoy his son, but, point is, women can’t have kids forever.” Yeah, way to comment on someone’s old age by busting out a Tony Randall reference, Grandpa. The kids are definitely gonna get that one. Anyway, this rambling bit of hilarity just goes to show that Melody is quite inspiring.
On the state of her competition, Jessica said, “To me, it’s a little bit cheesy, that’s all.” So she gets immediate points for awareness. She thinks Frank is crazy “in a good way,” which he seems taken aback by. Points off for his lack of awareness. Also, she says “definitely” a lot.
Is seven times too much? Probably.
Yet another of Susan’s favs, Melissa is a bartender from Minnesota with a similar knack for observation: “When I saw Grandma’s room, I was like, ‘Holy Jesus!’…
…Literally, Holy Jesus.” Sharp girl, this one.
By way of introduction, Tammy offered: “I’m Asian, and I’m pretty sure you don’t have any problems with Asian/Chinese food, do you?” As if he were waiting to pounce on any semblance of awkward phrasing, Frank replied that he’d never had it, to Susan’s disagreement. Frank explained, “‘Asian/Chinese food,’ she said. It might be different.” Let this be a lesson for everyone: don’t use confusing phrasing around Frank. Or any phrasing for that matter. You’re better off communicating by pointing and grunting.
Dana is 25 and thinks Frank’s is “like, the hottest family ever.” Dana might pass out if she ever happened upon an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Speaking of asses, Dana says she’d give Frank a kick in his to motivate him. Sounds good to me!
Christi is 21, from Chicago and, as a result, sounds exactly like Erin from the past cycle of America’s Next Top Model. At one point in this episode, Frank forgot Christi’s name (while remembering Jenny’s). So that’s embarrassing, although he didn’t seem too affected. I guess the embarrassment is all hers. Welcome to reality TV, Christi!
Renee has been engaged twice: one guy never came home, and the other cheated on her with lesbians. So, if she doesn’t win this show, we get to see another installment in her ongoing saga of romantic tragedy. Aw, uplifting!
And speaking of lesbians…
…Mandy isn’t one (as far as I can tell), but her two dads think she is! (It also remains to be seen whether her two dads are lesbian-like or in a My Two Dads-type situation.) Anyway, as if a perfect complement to Frank’s underachieving, Mandy lives in her parents’ attic. She said, “Lucky you,” when Susan suggested that she may end up in her family, sparking a feud and most likely ensuring that she’ll be around for a while, so as to maximize the drama (Susan really doesn’t like her!). She also may be the first reality contestant in VH1 history to clean up…
Annie said that Mandy “might be a little OCD,” but I say we could use more OCD around these parts. There’s something really appealing about Mandy’s pouty Fran Drescher-ness. Susan says she could see herself arguing with Mandy all the time. I could see Susan arguing with a mute all the time if I were blind, so that’s really no indication of anything.
Anyway, these are all the girls to have made it through to the next episode. In a decision that Frank called “very nerve-wracking a little bit,” he let the following two go:
Frank was wary of this “everything except nude” model, as she showed up wearing an “Entertainer” shirt (Frank wasn’t sure if she was there to get to know him…no matter that he’s referred to as “Frank the Entertainer” in his show’s very title). “He was taggin’ me with unexpected questions,” said Stephanie, and she ultimately proved herself unworthy by not being able to say why he was eliminated from I Love New York 2. Although, you have to ask yourself: without the clip of Tiffany calling Frank a loser and going on about his mother washing his briefs that played in the beginning of this episode, would you have been able to answer that?
And then, there was the biggest disappointment for Susan:
…the elimination of Kari, whom Frank thought was cute but felt no connection with. (It didn’t help that her most clear-cut statement on her participation in this competition was, “I’m here to get to know you or whatever.”) And so, Kari was sent home…
Upon leaving, she said, “He’s gonna have to deal with the kook he’s got in his house now. Whatever.” To that, I say: which one? In other words: it’s gonna be a great season!