At last, a new season of everyone’s favorite celebrity weight-loss show/celebrity masochism playground is upon us! This time, it’s particularly special, as pointed out by the camera’s focusing in on the bus seating arrangement on the way to boot camp:
That’s right, Britney Spears’ ex Kevin Federline and his ex before her, Shar Jackson, will be reuniting for the sake of losing. As Project Runway‘s Jay McCarroll (so far, the show’s most consistent go-to guy for wit) notes, K-Fed and Shar together is a “big pop-culture boner, man.” Indeed. And just in case you missed our cast-reveal post, there’s more boner where that came from. The cast this time around is one big trouser-based salute:
Nice to meet you guys. Snake-charmed, I’m sure.
They arrive at camp to find Harvey Walden IV a particularly mouth-foamy mood…
“Welcome! To! Celebrity! Fit! Club!” he hollers, announcing that he can be their best friend or worst nightmare. How often do you think the former is the case? I’m gonna take a wild guess and say never. Tanisha gives him some ‘tude that’s of little consequence. It seems more foreshadowing than anything.
The first thing Harvey does is have them find their “inner warriors” by sounding “warrior cries.”
The main reason he has them do this, though, probably has to do with how hilarious it would eventually play back on TV. And so it does. But it’s not all fun and gapes – Harvey informs the group, “If you fail to deliver 110 percent, you’re gonna find yourself in a world of, ‘Holy s***.’” That’s the kind of world that happens when your house gets taken away by a tornado and you open the door, thinking you’re in Oz, but instead everything is still brown.
The group retires to the barracks to change into their Fitgear. Bobby says the barracks are “easy” compared to jail. Well, he’s the expert! They are apparently not easy compared to Project Runway, though, as Jay laments the fact that he cannot accessorize camouflage.
They hit the mess hall and then return to Harvey, who yells at them for not getting to him fast enough. He makes them go back to the mess hall and return to him. So far, they’ve gone from Harvey screaming to the barracks to the mess hall to Harvey screaming back to the mess hall and back to Harvey screaming. Weight loss is so tedious. Tanisha thinks that this shows that “this mother-trucker is not playing.” I think that this shows that Tanisha is inventive with language. She just vomits greatness! That’s when she isn’t vomiting, period.
“Is that broccoli or something?” Harvey asks, observing her puke. I know you’re there to get her in shape, Harvey, but food is much less your business going out than it is coming in. Butt out! Tanisha reports that her body is talking. Sounds like the Newton-John Prophecy to me: that’s what happens when you get physical.
The group is divided into teams…
…much to Tanisha’s chagrin: “I love my team, but there’s just too much fat people on it. The other team only have one fat person.”
And, I mean, I know it’s Celebrity Fit Club and not Celebrity Fat Club and that fat is in the eye of the beholder or whatever, but everyone’s at least a bit overweight here and everyone’s got work to do. It’s not like everyone came here to make friends.
Anyway, everyone’s lined up because they’re about to go through an obstacle course called the Punisher. It’s modeled after the Marine Corps boot-camp course, and it culminates with a giant tower:
It includes everything you’d expect it to: monkey bars, log hurdles, tire walks, etc. Harvey explains that the teams will race, and whichever comes in at the shortest amount of time will get five Fit Factor points. The team with most Fit Factor points at end of competition gets over $200,000, and the individual Fit Clubber with most points gets $50,000. For this particular challenge, every obstacle within the course that goes uncompleted will get a one-minute penalty. Failure to get up the tower will result in a 10-minute penalty.
First up head-to-head are Kevin and Jay:
Jay is surprisingly resilient (he himself claims to have the “upper-body strength of a newborn baby”), making it even all the way up the tower…
But Kevin, on the other hand, gives up multiple times:
Before he can complete the tower, he decides that he’s “done for the day.”
Harvey responds, “So easy to take the path of least resistance, Kevin.” Well, they don’t call it the path of least resistance for nothing!
In the end, here are their times:
Next up is Tanisha versus Nicole, which Tanisha doesn’t like, of course (“Hello, I’m like three Nicoles!”). The first part of the course involves a very steep hill, which Tanisha says she conquered by dropping it like it’s hot.
It makes sense to call it this if you find crab-walking hot. I guess hot, too, is in the eye of the beholder. Tanisha eventually putters out, explaining, “I did not give up. My body gave up. My body just wouldn’t move anymore.” Nicole, on the other hand, seems to have no communication problems with her body, and conquers the tower.
The next two up are Bobby and Sebastian. At the start, Bobby announces, “I don’t climb s***. I don’t like going over bridges. That’s in a car.” So you can see where this is going: he eventually fails to climb the tower. And speaking of cars, Sebastian, too runs out of gas, failing to complete the course.
Finally, Kaycee and Shar go head-to-head. Shar takes a nasty spill, and attempts to continue, but the injury catches up with her. A medic is called in. Kaycee can’t make it up the tower, and seems particularly anguished.
Harvey gathers the group and asks Jay what made him work so hard, as one of the few who made it up the tower. He said that his his sister’s climber boyfriend recently went missing, and Jay dedicated his task for him. He gets a little misty. It’s sweet and, on top of that, wonderful motivation (while at the same time being completely tragic). Jay’s kind of complex, guys.
Anyway, the final tallies are:
And so, Red gets the Fit Factor points. Harvey then polls Blue on which member was the worst and should be voted “dead weight.” Everyone votes for themselves, forcing Harvey to choose the dead weight. He doesn’t seem pained to do so: he picks Kevin, who gave up too easily when he could have given at least another 10 percent. Kevin’s punishment involves burying stumps:
Ha, that serves no function but humiliation. Perfect.
Kevin soon is dismissed joins the rest of the group, which is dining in the mess hall. There, a look-but-don’t-touch-obviously-because-you’re-on-Celebrity Fit Club plate of fried chicken temps them. Bobby takes the bait.
“If I got through drugs and alcohol…well, drugs, I can make I through this,” says Bobby who’s also drinking beer and eating baked chicken, since if you’re going to have chicken, the more ways it’s prepared the better. That’s what I always say when eating McNuggets in chicken broth with some Chicken In A Biskits broken up in there.
Dr. Ian Smith, the celebs’ nutrition coach, soon arrives and takes Bobby to task for his unwise intake. He also brings a sheet cake to torture everyone some more:
It’s terrifying both in its imagery and caloric offering.
Dr. Ian says that the slice above represents about 650 calories: at least 150 more than everyone burned off on the obstacle course today. Well, that doesn’t seem so terrible. Cake is worthy of sacrifice! No one seems to know this better than Tanisha, who stares at it longingly…
“I would have eaten you. I really would have eaten you,” she says, sounding like she’s eulogizing. She says that what helped her abstain was seeing Harvey’s face like this:
Then Rhonda comes by to help with de-stressing…
…and so do Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen and his wife, Lauren Monroe, for some therapeutic drumming (courtesy of their Raven Drum Foundation).
As Bobby drums…
…we hear him say that being out there with the drums and Def Leppard made him feel like he was in the right place. Oh yeah Bobby Brown + drums + mountains + Rick Allen = no brainer. How is it that it took this long for that combination to happen?
The next day, they are woken by Harvey’s megaphone. He has them all line up outside and then, again, return back to where they came from only to come out again because he didn’t like how long it all took. It’s amazing that Harvey has the tolerance to even share the same air as celebrities. Also, he doesn’t like how long they take, but he always makes them go back and come out again, taking infinitely longer. Who’s he fooling?
Today, they’ll be taking part in his “Gut Checker,” a circuit of exercises that they’ll repeat again at the end of this Fit Club in order to check their progress. And guts, I’m guessing. Anyway, it involves the ushe: push-ups, sit-ups, squat thrusts, etc. There is much exertion along the way.
After this, Shar sits down with Rhonda to talk about her imminent nervous breakdown. It would seem that the whole K-Fed thing is catching up with her. Well, at least we know she’s human now. She says she is “mentally and emotionally buggin’,” and wants someone to come into her life without asking, “How’s Kevin? How’s Britney?” Now that she’s appearing on a show with him, that might be harder than ever, but we’ll see, I guess.
Then, we reach the final part of our show: weigh-ins.
Ian wonders how someone with Bobby’s old rail-thin-and-ripped physique ended up like this, and then he kind of answers his own question by berating Bobby for the beer/fried chicken thing. Bobby is trying to be better. Good, Bobby. Now try doing it without food cooked in oil. Harvey wants him to lose 20 lbs., and reduce his body fat to 21 percent.
Next up is Kaycee.
Kaycee talks about the unfairness of not being able to eat what she wanted while her overweight family did. She also mentions having dealt with eating disorders, so that’s awful. But now she’s losing the healthy way, so that’s great! Harvey names her the captain of her team for her leadership and immediate command of respect from her teammates. He wants her to lose 30 lbs., and reduce her body fat to 32 percent.
Next is Nicole.
Because her BMI is normal, Ian surmises that people will wonder “Why are you here?” Nicole explains she was 99 lbs., all her life (she’s 5’2″) but after a series of tragedies (she lost her father, she split with her man, she had a nervous breakdown and laid on her ass for nine to 11 months), she gained weight. Since she’s close to her target weight, she’s given the choice of how much she wants to lose. She chooses 20 lbs. Harvey wants her body fat down to 22 percent.
Tanisha is next:
Tanisha weighs in at 240 lbs., with a body-fat percentage of 47. Ian indelicately puts it this way: “You’re almost half fat.” Ouch. But also: wake-up call? They discuss Tanisha’s Bad-Girlness and whether it will be helpful for this process (it won’t be). But that’s her, so a bad girl is what we’re getting. Harvey wants her to lose 35 lbs., and get down to 37 percent body fat.
Jay weighs in at 258. His body fat is 25 percent. He has a particularly personal stake in this because he watched his dad lose his limbs, have a stroke stroke, suffer a heart attack, become wheelchair-bound and then die all resulting from diabetes. Jay says he’s genetically predisposed to be a fat-ass, but interestingly, Ian corrects him, saying very few people are so predisposed unless they have a thyroid problem. Rhonda says that it’s a family legacy – it’s more nurture than nature that’s going on. Jay is selected as the captain of the Red Team. Harvey wants him to lose 30 lbs., and get his body fat to 20 percent.
Then there’s Sebastian.
“No one wants to see a fat rock star,” he says, but alas, he got lazy. But now he’s determined: “I can do this when I want to, that’s the thing,” he says. Harvey assigns him to lose 30 lbs., reduce his body fat to 24 percent.
Shar’s our penultimate weigh-in…
She was always a thin actress, but she dealt with some loss (i.e. Kevin) and soon found herself in a role she didn’t want: tabloid star. She gave up on people, but the way her team rallied around her when she injured herself on the obstacle course gave her hope in humanity again. Heaven, she needs a hug. Harvey wants her to lose 20 lbs., and reduce her body fat to 27 percent.
Finally, Kevin’s up.
He says he looks like a “pregnant man.” Well, at least he hasn’t aborted his sense of humor! He fell into a bunch of baby-havin’, love and depression and emerged with his current body. Harvey wants him to lose 30 lbs., and reduce his body fat to 26 percent.
The combined weights of the teams are Blue – 891, and Red – 733. So, I guess there was something to Tanisha’s complaining about the scales being unevenly tipped. Kind of exciting, though — it seems like the most minor of slips is going to be enough to set her off.
…The promise of cramming these former lovers into every frame/scenario possible. Reunited and it feels so delicious! (But not high in calories, obviously!)