A Basement Affair Recap – Episode 7 – In Too Bleep

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Everyone’s so surprised that Annie’s got a dirty mouth. Everyone, that is, except for me. I knew it all along. Seriously.

We resume just after Renee’s elimination. The turn of events couldn’t find Felicia and Kerry happier. They jump on the bed in celebration.

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They also do jumping jacks.

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As always, I get the feeling that these women are very, very bored. At least they have some fitness to go along with their boredom, I guess.

Also, in an interview, Annie reveals herself as the girl who needs to “step it up” this week, which means: bye Annie!

Frank corrals the girls. As they know, he likes to croon. He also apparently likes to use the word “croon,” which they probably didn’t know. You know how there would be, like, really special, shiny He-Man figures released every so often that were like the super versions of this already super character? I think Frank’s special, shiny He-Man would be called the Entercrooner. I envision sensational pecs. Frank says, “Nothing is more sexier to me than a woman that can sing right back to me.” Really? Not even big boobs are more sexier? Anyway, the girls will sing songs based on a CD of instrumentals that Frank claims to have composed…

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I would soooo buy that off a stand in the mall. Or at least, you know, laugh at it.

Frank divides the girls into teams:

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Here’s how Cathy feels about having to work with a girl who spread a (probably true) rumor about her hooking up with Frank:

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Since there’s an odd number of women, one will have to perform alone. Frank elects Kerry for this punishment task. Each team has to pick a paper from a jar that will serve as the subject matter for their songs. Each piece of paper contains a word describing something Frank likes. Dana chooses “sleeping in.” Felicia picks “video games.” Melissa’s selection is “working out.” That means that Kerry is stuck with…

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Kerry rightfully laments this, but it could have been worse. It could have been jock straps.

The teams get to work. Dana enthusiastically reports that she’s working with “Annie Banannie.” That’s cute and almost unbelievable that it comes from the same person who later in this episode shows herself to be Dana DaHater. Annie reports that Dana doesn’t have the best singing voice. She isn’t kidding. Also not the best is Melisa,whose singing causes the graphics team to step in to underscore just how bad it is.

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On the topic of working out, Melissa and Cathy come up with the line, “I really like watching while you’re in the groove.” More Olivia Newton-John, less Madonna, girls. Meanwhile, Kerry is going through serious stress with her assignment.

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“Trying to relate the subject muscle T’s to the tune Frank gave me is almost impossible,” she explains. That’s the fun of it, though! Embrace the absurdity for all it’s worth. I feel like that should be the goal of not just VH1 viewers, but also the on-screen personalities.

The girls get ready for their performances and pull out their bras and stuff…

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…and they’re ready to go. This is taking place in a comedy club. Yep, that’s about right. Brother Sal will be the MC of this event…

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…and first up is Cathy and Melissa. Melissa interviews, “I’m like one of those one in four women that sweat a lot.” What’s that, deodorant commercial statistics? Cathy, on the other hand, is one of those one in seven women who don’t sing into the microphones that are in front of them.

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Once she does step in front of the mic, the results are gorgeous, as confirmed by Susan’s expression:

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Melissa interviews, “If he loved it, and it made him hot, hopefully we’ll get the date.” I love the phrase “made him hot.” It’s so ’80s direct-to-VHS. Next up are Felicia and Melody…

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Theirvision of video games could be described as cloudy with a chance of Mom-balls. They don’t really get it. They probably think video-game controllers also change the channel or something. They think Halo is based on that pretty BeyoncĂ© song. They think Gears of War describes an extremely feisty watch. Bonus points for the sonic boom, though…

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Even though they don’t really get the whole mushroom thing (you don’t jump over them, you run into them and they make you bigger!), Susan gets it even less and thinks it’s a drug reference. Honestly, the way it’s portrayed in Super Mario Brothers (and thereafter), it kind of is. But theirs is merely a reference to the reference.

Kerry performs.

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At one point, she forgets the words and has to read them off a sheet. How rhyming “baby please” and “muscle tees” wasn’t immediately indelible to her, I don’t understand. Certainly, I’ll never forget her genius work.

Then, it’s time for Annie and Dana…

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At first, it seems to go well. (I say that as relatively as I say all things regarding this universe.) Then, Annie and Dana slip out of synch. Annie says, “Dana, stop! Like, seriously, stop.” It seems like a big theatrical setup. Dana asks, “Why?” and Annie answers, “‘Cause I wanna get freaky!” That Annie! She’s smooth as Silk! She starts a rap that goes, “It’s about this love, I think it’s gonna stick.” So far so good! But then: “It’s not about (something something) d***.” She follows this up with some words about giving Frank a BJ. Everyone is scandalized, because I’m sure none of them talk like this, like, in their sleep. Color bars come up…

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…and in a turn very similar to the censoring of Rock of Love Bus‘ vagina shot incident, Frank comes on to say that they aren’t allowed to show exactly what happens, but these stills of the reactions to Annie’s rap say it all:

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Annie’s told to stop several times, but she keeps going. Gotta love that unbeatable spirit! She says her decision to do this was because she wanted to “add a little spice.” The effect is more like Tabasco to the urethra. Frank’s mother screams that at 59, she’s never heard language like that a day in her life. I find that hard to believe, considering that she’s an Italian from New York. Frank’s dad says that this mark’s the day that music died. Not quite, but it did kill Annie’s chances in the competition.

Chaos ensues. Dana cries.

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As they file out of the theater so that Frank and his parents can deliberate (and not pick Dana and Annie as the challenge winners), Annie calls after a distraught Dana, saying that such filthy language is “just words.”

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Then Annie stars whining/crying a little. Dana says she can’t trust Annie, she doesn’t want to be in the same room with her, that it’ll be bad, and she’s over it. Could have fooled me! It would seem that she’s just getting started! “I don’t even know who talks like that,” adds Dana. Look around you, Dana, and smile: you’re on VH1. Seriously, getting upset at one of these girls for saying lewd, sexually explicit things is like getting mad a truck driver for doing the same. Or for driving trucks.

But whatever! Try telling that to Dana. She regards her shoes while muttering that if she has to stay in the same room with Annie, it’s going to be really ugly.

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Singing ugly or flower-pants ugly? Ugly how? Seeing that Annie is distraught for the hounding that she’s taking, Melody goes over to console her…

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Annie says she just wanted to get Frank’s attention. Melody says, “Sometimes people do really stupid things when they’re in love.” Like calling it “in love,” for example. Seriously, that’s what she’s chalking it up to? It was nothing if not performance art gone awry. Meanwhile, Dana is aghast that her friend Melody is comforting her new foul-mouthed enemy. “That’s how you get your f***in’ ass beat, actin’ like that,” says Dana. Tough words for someone who clutches her pearls when she hears the word “b***j**.” Melody makes her way to Dana, who has moved on from her shoes to consider her glove…

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Dana says he’s annoyed at Annie, and she’s annoyed at Melody for consoling her. So she’s basically disappointed that Annie’s minor transgression didn’t result in an all-out war on Annie, with Melody playing her captain? Like, seriously? She’s mad at that?

The girls are called back in and Melody and Felicia win and Frank sings to them and whatever whatever…

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…back to Dana, whose disregard for rational thinking is quickly making her the most compelling personality on this show.

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“I got in a fight with this girl today because she said p**** d*** and balls. I’m singing Frank a song with a microphone and a beautiful dress on, OK, like a little diva!” she says. So, is she mad that Annie lost her the date, or is she mad that Annie interrupted her art? Dana’s having a diva moment over her diva moment. Beautiful. Dana says that Melody is an “old lady” who consoled Annie before coming to console her, “So she’s playing the fence with everyone!” Does she mean “playing both sides of the fence”? Because if “playing the fence” is even an idiom, wouldn’t that mean that Melody’s remaining impartial? Screw the fences, how ’bout Melody’s just nice, or at least committed to making us think so? It’s not nearly as hypocritical to offer your support to both sides of a dispute as it is to, say, get all worked up over someone saying balls and then turning around and threatening to see to it that someone gets her “f***ing ass beat.” You know?

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Dana’s mom encourages her to “knock the f***in’ bitch out” and “slap her in the face.” Hmmm, suddenly everything’s starting to make sense! (You could also replace “suddenly” with “sadly” in that sentence.) I love that violence is deemed a reasonable response to someone who was merely consoling someone. That’s great. High road, consider yourself taken. And by “taken,” I mean “potholed.”

Dana tells her mom she has to go. “Don’t f***in’ talk to that bitch!” her mother offers helpfully. Dana interviews that her mom is the best. I could tell! She says that her mother helped put things into perspective: she’s not there to make friends (!!!), but to win Frank’s heart, one pummel at a time, apparently.

Dana reports to the other girls how mad she is about Annie, but especially about Melody. Cathy interviews that there’s something “not right” with Dana, and Kerry wonders if she has a serious anger problem. I can’t stress how reassuring it is that people find Dana’s reactions problematic. I was starting to feel like I was through the looking glass.

Frank returns home and speaks with Annie. The issue wasn’t her dirty mind and mouth, but that she unleashed them in front of her parents. If it were just the two of them, she could sing songs about…

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…all day. The conversation turns more serious when Annie tells Frank to stop stringing her along if he’s not feeling her. Their conversation concludes:

Annie: You look nice in your tux.
Frank: Thank you, I should really get out of this tux.

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Sounds like a connection made in heaven to me!

Next, something silly even for this show – the Marescas’ “neighbor,” who might be named Maryanne or Marian (I seriously can’t tell for sure and she’s never captioned) comes over to read the girls’ olive oil, fortune-teller style.

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This is, apparently, an old Italian custom. Frank says it’s “baloney”; to me, it sounds more like prosciutto. Maryanne/ian assures everyone, “We don’t consider them superstitions. We believe in them.” Whatever you want, lady. Maryanne/ian puts a bowl of water in front of each girl and drops some oil into it. How the oil reacts with the water has bearing on their fortunes, apparently.

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Maryanne/ian can tell, for example, that people like Kerry; that Melissa’s going to have at least four kids (even though she doesn’t want that many — you don’t defy the olive oil!); that Cathy has been recently “close” with someone; that Annie has inner complexity, emotions and turmoil; that Dana has a dark cloud in her life somewhere (she disagrees, and says that she doesn’t even have “turbulence”); that Felicia has recently gone through a breakup (she hasn’t) and that she keeps her distance from people (she doesn’t); and that Melody has a curse on her (!), specifically the evil eye, and that she is not who she seems to be.

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Frank interviews that he always knew there was something wrong with Melody. “She’s got a sneaky way about her,” is how he puts it. Really? Frank is awfully susceptible to others’ opinions — including the opinions of baloney, even.

A discussion of Melody’s potentially hidden secrets ensues. Dana doesn’t see how she could be happy 24/7. For this, Dana feels like Melody’s “playing the fence.” Is that just the phrase that Dana uses when she doesn’t like something?

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She continues. She takes Melody to task for comforting Annie and then her — this she calls “fakeness.” When Melody shows discomfort, Dana says she’s playing up. Melody says she isn’t — she’s just upset because Dana’s attacking her… “I’m not attacking you,” interrupts Dana. “If I was attacking you, you’d know it.” But would Dana know?

Who knows anything about anything anymore? It’s time for elimination. Before, Dana is interviewed. She says that Melody “unfortunately” is her biggest competition. Again, everything makes so much sense! Funny how the truth has its way of revealing itself!

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Felicia is called first. Her “sonic boom” is referenced. Well, it was very special. In a shocking twist, the girl who’s a flinch away from a bar brawl, Dana, is not in the Bottom 2. That’s reserved for Melody and Annie.

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A bad oil reading has to be the stupidest reason for almost-elimination in the history of VH1, and there have been a lot of stupid almost-eliminations. On the positive side, we get to here someone say, “I’m not here to make friends,” again in a single episode, which I think is a new record. Variations have been spoken multiple times, but I’m pretty sure that exact six-word string has never been said in its entirety twice. Don’t quote me on that, but do trust me. I have a masters in NHTMF.

Whatever. Annie’s going home, suckily enough.

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They just don’t have that connection. Annie thought she was leaving on the first day, and she has no idea how she got this far. For our sake, I’m glad she did. She says she’s more used to men competing for her. Given her charm, cuteness and dirty mind, I have no trouble believing that.

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