A Basement Affair – Episode 9 – Three More Minutes In Heaven



Witness the birth of a euphemism!

Hey look, guys!


It’s sleepover time! Don’t act like you aren’t excited! Frank decides to crash upstairs with the ladies for the night because he’s “lonely.” I assume that’s code for “suffering from a painfully calloused right hand.” It’s all fun and games until Frank has a nic fit (that’s code for “gets horny”) and Cathy is “not tired” (that’s also code for “horny”). She accompanies Frank downstairs.


As Vanessa Williams once noted, sometimes it’s all a big surprise.


And sometimes, it’s very much like we saw in Episode 6, complete with an on-screen jab at Frank’s sexual stamina:


Interestingly, though, the different episodes’ shots of Frank covering the camera show differences in the background, lest you think that the powers that be were trying to reuse hook-up footage:


It is after that Frank tells Cathy that their excuse is that they had their feet in the jacuzzi. Cathy confirms that what was in where was a little more explicit than that when she interviews, “To put all speculation to rest, yes, Frank and I did have sex.” I thought the speculation ended three episodes ago when Melissa blew the lid off Frank and Cathy’s midnight delight and Cathy didn’t deny it, but whatever. I’m very happy to have evidence that would even satisfy the blind/painfully calloused hand-having.

We then see Dana talking to her mother.


Dana explains to her mother that when polled, everyone said that she should go home. “I guess ‘cause, like, maybe I’m so pretty. I don’t know,” is Dana’s rationale for the hating. What’s with this “maybe” and “I don’t know,” crap? Self-possession is not a hypothesis on reality TV! Someone get this girl a confidence boost. Instead, Dana’s mom shoots a rapid-fire stream of questions at her that go, “So, are you still in love with this guy? Does he have any respect for you? What are his future f***in’ goals?” But wait, Dana’s mom has to run because…



There is the kind of confidence I look for in a woman. Dana’s mom’s skin is undoubtedly beaming. The prospect of getting to watch her next episode has me tingling.

We see Cathy facing the other girls. Of note are…


…their faces. They look like they smell the B.S. before Cathy can even start serving it. But when she does, it comes in the form of her telling the girls that after she and Frank left the room, they “talked a lot.”


While this is plausible coming from someone who acts like things just aren’t right unless she’s rocking a “chatty” before her name, no one’s buying it. Melody asks her if she gave Frank a massage and Cathy pretends that she doesn’t know what Melody’s talking about.


Kerry says she can’t shake this feeling that Cathy is hiding something. As in what was exposed by Melissa three episodes ago? That thing? The sex thing that everyone knows about and has known about? Maybe the problem isn’t that Cathy’s a hider, but that Kerry’s a terrible seeker.

Whatever. Today’s challenge is…not a challenge. It’s a counseling session with this one:


Gretchen tells them, “This is a show about love, so we’re gonna try to get to the love…” Here’s someone who doesn’t get it! Whatever, she seems nice and her naivete is a bit charming, really. She seems pure.

First, she has a session with Frank and his parents, in which his anger is considered.


Frank talks about the restrictions of living at home, namely the reduced chances of knocking boots. All this footage with Cathy seems to run counter to his claim, but whatever. Perhaps he’s keeping his mother satisfied by giving her something to rant about. “What am I gonna have, a bordello in my house?” she seethes. Never that! Never invite multiple women who are potential sex partners to live under one roof. And if you’re going to do that, certainly don’t invite cameras along to film it. Oh, rats! Too late. Meanwhile, Frank’s repeating, “What’s a bordello?” One day, you’ll find out, Frank, and maybe you’ll be sad or maybe you’ll be happy about it, but at least you will be satisfied.

It also comes out that Susan has liked “maybe two” of Frank’s girlfriends in his entire life. That surprises me because she doesn’t seem at all hard to please.

The girls begin to be called down for their pre-couples therapy.


Melody grew up in a house without screaming and throwing things. There, they talk things out. What kind of a Bizarro World is that? Frank wonders if she’s too nice for him. Melody interviews “I have a lot of different personalities to add into one.” That’s daunting. This isn’t The United States of Melody, Melody! Additionally, Melody claims that she’s very sexual and great with her hands. “I like to be good at things,” she reasons. I’m not saying she belongs in one (far from it, in fact), but that is bordello work ethic if ever I’ve heard it.


Frank trusts Felicia the most and wants to take this thing they have to another level. They’re not going beyond the first level of this proverbial bordello, though, because she’s conservative and won’t let go of her morals. Felicia knows what her issues are, and the therapist says that she’s lovely. Aren’t you glad they hired a professional to tell us something we all knew back during the cast reveal?


Dana’s not used to having to initiate anything with men. However, Frank’s not aggressive with Dana. To that Dana says, “I don’t know why!” Of course she doesn’t. Maybe she’s so pretty? I don’t know. She doesn’t get alone time with him, but then she doesn’t go over and talk to Frank, either. Dana thinks he’s “emotionally suppressed.” Who needs Gretchen when you have Dr. Dana in the house?


Frank talks about his physical connection with Cathy and nuzzles her. Seriously, that’s the extent of their session. It’s hard to say if this is a good or bad thing, but again, at least he’s satisfied.


On Kerry, Frank says, “She looks like she would be a good mother to me.” He means, “To me, she looks like she would be a good mother,” but the way that it comes out has Gretchen paging Dr. Freud. Frank interviews that if the Gretchen tells him he has an Oedipal complex, he’ll jump out the window. Hmmm, Oedipus would say that. Kerry also talks about having her foot on the intimacy brake — she’s more of a relationship type of girl. Sounds like a bordello no-no to me!

With Kerry back upstairs, Gretchen goes through her impressions of Frank’s connection with each girl. There’s less chemistry with Melody than with the other girls, but she wants more time. Felicia is up front about guardedness, but she’s vulnerable. There is a bond there with Dana, but they would benefit from spending more time together. Frank and Cathy have a bond that is different from the other connections. Kerry and Frank have a strong connection and chemistry. She’s sincere.

So, that took up a nice chunk of time just like it was supposed to, now didn’t it?

Frank begins a round of dates with the girls, choosing to take Melody to a restaurant called Cathy’s Place. Sadly, it is nothing like Madame’s Place. It is also not a place to go to hide things from people that we already found out three episodes ago. Again, I :( .


Frank asks Melody what she sees in him. Musicianship and the ability to make her laugh, mostly. Frank can’t think of anything wrong with her. He interviews, “And somehow, that’ a problem.” Somehow, I don’t buy it.

That ends and Frank’s ready for his next date. Cathy, who has yet to win a date with him, gets pissed (or maybe more pissed) when she is not the next to attend a date: Dana is. Frank takes her to the lookout under the Verrazano Bridge, presumably so that they can be terrorized by the scraping sounds of a hook-handed killer as they make out in his car.


They come to find that they complement each other — Frank has mostly female friends, while Dana’s are mostly male. However, Frank states that he would never want his wife hanging out with platonic dude friends. Dana cannot believe this and would never give up her childhood friends. As if they ever would get married! As if they’ll even be on speaking terms by the time the finale airs, in the event that Dana does win this thing. Whatever, Frank takes this all seriously enough to yell and Dana takes that seriously enough to call him “psycho.” She sashays away. Frank catches up with her as she’s fixing her hair in a car’s window…


Well, that’s just perfect. They eventually agree to disagree. I would fear what this means for the future of their life partnership except that sparring with Dana has Frank turned on:


In many ways, this is all very Bret Michaels of him. Frank apologizes for yelling, which is bigger than I would have expected from him.

Next up is Felicia.


Cathy, who is endlessly sucking down Pepsi products, is, of course, seething that Felicia gets the coveted dinner date. She says that Felicia doesn’t have much more going on than boobs. She doesn’t have secret/not-secret sex with Frank going on, for example. Anyway, on their date, Felicia offers to tell Frank about a relationship that affected her negatively. The first man she loved cheated on her and she hasn’t dated anyone since because she hasn’t found a connection. That is a tale as old as time, beauty and the beast.

Frank says to her, “You’re so beautiful, pretty, smart and you’re here looking for love with a guy who lives in a basement.” It’s as though he’s channeling this show’s entire audience. Points for awareness, Frankie! Felicia is perhaps the one person who doesn’t see this absurdity for what it is. If he was looking for an ego boost, he brought his self-deprecation to the right place! Felicia doesn’t like when he talks like that because she thinks he doesn’t think highly of himself. “You don’t know how great that I think you are,” she gushes. And then they gush together.


“Gushing.” That’s what the kids are calling it these days.

At home, the rest of the girls share dinner with Gary and Susan.


The only thing notable about this is Susan’s use of the phrase “hanky panky,” which I love (although after seeing A Serious Man, “whoopsie doopsie” is making major inroads in terms of my euphemism preference). She asks the girls if there was any hanky panky going on during the sleep over. Yes, Susan, it was an orgy porgy. They say no. She asks if it were, would they even tell her. There is silence. How do you answer that? How do you talk to an angel, even?

Frank comes come with Felicia, which sends Cathy to hysterics. She runs outside and Kerry goes to console her.


Kerry wants to know what’s wrong and Cathy tells her that she’s going to be mad and that she’s never going to trust her again. And then, the reveal:




I seriously feel brain-damaged.

Cathy then takes an ill-looking Kerry on an intimate tour of her intimacy. The most ridiculous stop on the way: reality star’s remorse.






Wonderful foresight! And regular sight. Like really, open your eyes and look at the camera you just covered so that you could do it. No wonder why Cathy didn’t survive a Japanese game show.

The next day, Cathy is still going on and on about this.


She is seemingly oblivious to the fact that listening to it is making Kerry’s soul die one word at a time.


Kerry’s response to this question is ingenious:


Cathy interviews that she feels that confessing all this stuff to Kerry made them closer.


Kerry’s face at breakfast suggests otherwise.

Outside, Cathy tells her…


“The more I talk about it with you, the better I feel about it.” Well, at least someone feels good!

(Also, why oh why is this such a surprise? I’ll never stop saying it: THREE EPISODES AGO.)

Kerry feels the need to talk to Frank.


She’s all, “How could you give your love to someone else, and share your dreams with me?” And then Frank says, “Sometimes the very thing you’re looking for is the one thing you can’t see.” Well, at least they’re sitting face to face. Isn’t this world a crazy place?

ANYWAY! What really happens is that Kerry tells Frank she feels like she’s been lied to about him being physical with the other girls. “Physical meaning how, because there’s so many different levels of physical?” says Frank. Again, another perfect silent response from Kerry.


Physical like you know exactly how, Frank. More-than-just-feet-in-the-hot tub physical.

Frank admits that in his search for love, some girls want to get physical, some don’t. Kerry’s worried that the sex will somehow inform his decision. He thinks she’s nuts. They end this conversation by getting physical in their own seventh-grade dance kinda way.


And just when you thought their chance had passed Kerry goes and…suggests that it really may have when she says that this conversation did nothing to quell her concerns.

This all leads up to…


…elimination. Felicia gets the first key. Frank and Cathy have a “whole chemistry set.” Test tubes: kinky. (Or, maybe fairly standard for VH1.) Kerry is called, and although she’s been hinting at leaving since Cathy’s non-reveal, she stays because it is what her heart tells her to do. It comes down to Melody and Dana, the latter of whom is given her key without any deliberation. Melody is leaving.


“Melody you’re perfect. You’re happy all the time, you’re nice. You live in the sunshine, I live in the damn basement,” says Frank. He adds, “It’s weird that being perfect disqualifies you, but it does.”


So much for saving the best for last, then!

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Frank The Entertainer…In A Basement Affair – Cast Reveal
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