Courtney, we’ll miss the new and varied ways you found to show how remorseful you were.
The episode of Tool Academy 3 opens inside the Tools’ room, where their huge blocks of free time must be taken up by either gym or bonding. “Do you make more noise at the gym, or in the bed?” Jordan asks Angelo. The real question for Angelo: Does he cry after both?
The Tools go into therapy and find their partners’ chairs empty. Trina tells them that this week’s merit badge — appreciation — will involve some role-play, so their ladies (and guy) are getting prepped. Jennavecia predicts that the challenge will involve either marriage or death, while I pictured a low-rent reenactment of the “November Rain” video, the one piece of Western art that’s been able to encapsulate the entire human experience. But, no, Trina decides on the first one, marriage.
When your reality is a reality show, then things like a shoddily thrown-together fake wedding inside the house’s lobby must feel totally real.
Jordan appeals to his fake religious beliefs whenever he’s tested. Totally appropriate for this fake wedding.
Rachel’s fake husband promises to “embrace our religion,” and appreciate her, which is where Jordan finally objects. Jordan’s insight: “I don’t need the tanning. I don’t need to be eating every two hours. But I need you.”
Jacob can’t even wait for Christie to get to the alter, choosing to employ the bouncer method of blocking. He should have added, “You look beautiful though. Try again tomorrow night and bring some ladies with you.”
Fake groom totally works though. “It’s about to go down in the Academy, somebody’s about to get f***ed up,” promises Jordan. The actor groom says nothing. The actor finds some solace in the middle distance. In his head he’s picturing that Daytime Emmy.
The dirty secret to Christie, is that she secretly enjoys Jacob’s jealousy. This will be important later.
The stand-in groom promises Tommy’s girlfriend that he “…will not be distracted in important times.” He doesn’t hear this because he gets frightened by this cute guy.
If he’d taken a closer look, Tommy’d realize he had no reason to be scared. Viewers, meet the lil’est Tool at the Academy:
Kevin calls his groom a “fake-ass, wannabe, Denzel Washington-looking dude.” First of all, not really. Secondly, this is not a good dis from someone trying to become a professional comedian. Just try disarming a comedy heckler by shouting: “Shut up, you gorgeous Patrick Dempsey lookalike.” Doesn’t work. But the actor does convincingly say “You are so beautiful…you don’t know what you mean to me.” So that makes him the Denzel Washington of stand-in Tool Academy grooms, for sure.
Now that they’ve been made to realize what they could be losing, the Tools must cook meals that have special significance for their significant others. Their trip to a grocery store, among decent people, brings new insights.
“I’m realizing even more, that we are Tools.” – Angelo.
The prize? A conjugal visit with their partners. Courtney decides to get her visit started early, which doesn’t work for girlfriend Cheron. She loves it, then she hates it.
Then Cheron really hates it.
Angelo wins the challenge, so he and Dayna take off for the private bedroom. The producers have done their room up like some sort of mom bedroom / sex den. How else to explain the Martha Stewart comforters and whip. And chocolate martinis.
Dayna says things “are not going to change overnight” for her and Angelo. Exactly the words you don’t want to hear on an overnight date. But, what’s going on over at the partners’ house? The ladies are entangled in clutter and garbage. Perfect breeding ground for mice.
Dayna and Christie finally start talking about who’s there for drama, and who’s there for their partner. “Don’t be mad at me because your boyfriend sticks his d***in every p**** that comes along,” Christie says. Ah, the old twist on “bitches are just jealous of me” trope that shows up on every elimination-based reality show, Tool Academy‘s no exception. To drive it home: “You probably have an STD, you skank.” So this is the point where you stop feeling bad that Christie’s boyfriend Jacob is such an ass, and start thinking that maybe they deserve each other.
And to the other ladies in the partner house:
Things don’t improve the next day. “I don’t want to bring it to the point where I knock her out,” says Christie. She’s basically a female version of Jacob. When Christie and Dayna start fighting again, it reminds me of a point I started a couple weeks back. I still assert that males get in each other’s faces. Females on these shows like to throw things. But always soft things, like water and tomatoes.
Elimination time. Right now it seems like it’s Tommy. All the Tools think it will be. Kevin and Courtney are the last two Tools without badges. But it’s Kevin with the last appreciation badge. Courtney’s face falls once again.
This is the first elimination of someone who actually wanted to be there, it seems. And it’s the first time we see a Tool beg to stay with their partner.
As if Courtney’s platonic frowns didn’t bum us out enough, she makes one last tearful plea for Cheron to come back to her, but it merely echos off the California hillsides.
So that’s the end of Tool Academy‘s first lesbian couple ever. Which means there’s only one more chance to see a lady Tool kick off her heels like this.