The Celebreality Interview – Dana

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“I’m ovulating right now, probably,” Dana tells us in the most consistently entertaining interview we’ve conducted in ages. Below, A Basement Affair‘s pot-stirrer talks about strategy (she claims she was the one who wrote Annie’s infamous rap), violent tendencies, her rivalry with Melody, her mother’s influence on her (it is Edie Beale-esque, to say the least) and, of course, her “flawless vagina.”

Did you have fun on the show?

The show was magical to me. Frank and his family were fantastic and, it was the most flattering experience of my life. Here I think I am going on a show to see if I vibe with Frank, to see if there’s a love connection there, and I walk into a house and the girls are giving me so much attention. They were so interested in me and my mom, it was like they were my little fans who envied me and my flawless life. And I can’t blame them: they are very forgettable, they are boring, and you know me, I have a great vagina. It’s not saggy. On top of that, I am not old. My reproduction cycle’s great — I’m ovulating right now, probably. I could pop out 10 kids and I don’t got to open up my legs and f*** to stay on Frank’s show. My breasts are real and my life’s perfect. So I guess I can take it as a compliment that they are so jealous. You know, know life’s great.

Do you see yourself as the show’s villain?

Villain? I am not a villain. I am just perfect. I look great, I feel great. My life is just amazing. I am spectacular, it all comes with the territory they are just jealous. I think really a majority of it stems from my flawless vagina. It has to lead back to that, that’s the only thing I can think of.

Why is that your center? We never heard anything about your flawless vagina on the show.

You can’t get to know this vagina. It’s exclusive. I am not going to let someone see it on a reality show. And its not sagging, it’s fresh, it’s young, it can produce kids. It’s like my super power. No one can touch this. Frank can’t touch this. You have to be the love of my life to touch this. It’s just too fantastical.

I realize that your comments are in reference to you calling Melody’s vagina “saggy” on the show. Did you have firsthand evidence of that?

No! Thank god I’ve never seen her vagina, but with age your eggs diminish. It’s a known fact. The truth hurts. I was never mean to these girls. I never said anything that wasn’t true. You’re an old bitch. Your vagina’s old and your reproduction cycle is diminishing. It’s like a known fact. When you hit 30 you loose 90 percent of your eggs. Yeah it sucks, but the f***ing reality is if I’m 36-years0old and someone doesn’t put a ring on it, shoot my head off. If I cant have a man by that time and a have family, there’s something wrong with me.

Melody told me that she thought you came in with an agenda to shake things up. She thought maybe you had a manager guiding you.

I did hear that. I know since I am so great it seems like I have a team behind me, but I’m just really that great. It’s just me, no manager. The whole reason why I did go on the show is because every aspect of my love life my mom totally takes control of. She wants to know who, what, when, where and if she doesn’t like the guy, he’s gone. I just wanted a chance to do it on my own and she’s like my third eye, she’s my psychic, my cupid heart, whatever…I just proved to myself that I can’t find love without my mom. I couldn’t get into it because I felt so guilty of her not being there every step of the way. My mom has to pick the guy that will be my true love. She just has to.

It’s interesting you say that, because it seemed like you were really in to it. You fought hard. Sometimes frighteningly so.

I wanted to be into it, but I just feel in my heart…God even comes to me in my dreams and says, “Dana, you need your mother to find true love, she has to be there every step of the way.” My mother went in there and she didn’t want me to be with Frank, that was very clear. She switched it up and was nice to Frank. When she can’t get rid of a guy that I like by threatening me and threatening to kick my ass and all this s***, she will actually make them lust for her and they don’t like me anymore. My mom’s a smart women, she’s got it going on, she’s a cougar, and she just has that power. She’s like f***ing Superwoman. I don’t even think Frank eliminated me. My mom eliminated me.

Your mom might as well have been part of the cast, for all of her on-screen presence.

She got more camera time than the bores in the house. They are like knickknacks in Dana’s world. They are pictures, portraits in my house.

Your confidence reminds me a lot of Tiffany “New York” Pollard’s.

I hate being compared to Tiffany Pollard. She’s a great woman, but I have a better weave and I am just more fabulous all around. Great woman, my weave’s better. She might know what she wants, but I know what I want and I get it. I am the better version of Miss New York. I am Queen New York.

You are also from upstate right?

Yes, I am from Newburgh, NY.

So, when your mom swoops in with her Superwoman cougar powers, there’s no jealousy on your part?

Me and my mom are both single right now and every time we are both single we always end up liking the same guys. She will only date guys who are in their 20′s too. It’s always this competition with my mom — we are always liking the same guy. She’s tough competition, I’m not going to lie. I’m not going to say I am jealous of my mom because she’s just so great. That’s just the life of Dana and Donna. She is my competition.

Your character really came into its own after Annie’s rapping debacle

I have something to say about that debacle: I actually wrote that rap when we were in the car driving there, made Annie do it and got her eliminated. I actually got a couple of the girls eliminated in different ways. I am very smart. Like I said, I fight for what I want. If mom didn’t come, I know I would have won. She’s just stronger than me. I was picking the girls off one by one. With Melody, the same thing worked. I put in Frank’s head that she was too nice, she was gone. With Renee, I said, Renee you don’t know how to be sexy. What did the bitch do? She threw on some wack-ass costume, tried to be sexy, flopped that s*** and she was out the door.

So you were acting, then, when you were so upset about Annie ruining your “little diva” routine? Were you acting at other points during the show?

Listen, I will act when I need to get a bitch up out the house, but I think that the only time I did act was when I had to cry to Annie. Annie is a sweet person, I really like her. I don’t think she really wanted to be there anymore either. She just didn’t feel that connection with Frank in a romantic way. I talked to her about it before I did it. I didn’t do it intentionally to hurt Annie or to harm her. The other bitches I didn’t care about, they had to go. You’re old, take your old ass home.

So you weren’t really offended when Melody was comforting Annie?

Actually, I was offended because it needs to be all about me. I don’t care if I had Annie write that rap or not, you need to come see me and ask me how I am doing first. And that’s how the f*** it needed to be.

And it was at that point that you took the opportunity to pounce on Melody…

There are a lot of things that bother me about Melody. She needs a mini-face lift. She’s just old. She’s got no ass, no t**s and when she comforted Annie and didn’t come to me first, she’s lucky I didn’t knock that bitch the f*** out. All this bulls*** about me having an anger problem — I do not have an anger problem. If we were in the outside world, they need to come to where I am from and ask people how I get down because I would have f***ed them up. I didn’t do that because I am not trying to leave the show in cuffs and I respect Frank and his family because they are great people. But I just couldn’t stand none of those bitches and it just showed me how strong I am to just hold back.

I think when you settle words with violence, people tend to start to think that you have an anger problem.

I usually don’t even talk, I’ll just hit you. And I don’t think that’s having an anger problem at all. I think that’s just how I am. That’s how Dana’s built. Dana is a superpower, she will f*** you up.

Do you get into fights a lot?

Every once in a while I will have to knock a bitch out or smack a bitch up because they get out of line. If they get out of line with mom I’m gonna have to f*** them up too, because I don’t want them to mess up her weave. I’m not even trying to mess up my weave like that, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Isn’t there a disconnect between you harping on Melody’s age and adoring your mother the way that you do? She’s older than Melody.

My mom is older than Melody, but my mom already had her family, already had a marriage. She could get more guys than Melody could pull and to keep it real. I can tell you firsthand that my mom got a young vagina. She’s got vagina rejuvenation. Her s*** is like a virgin. She’s got that fresh vagina.

And just listening to your mom talk to you, I assume that solving problems with violence comes from her.

The way I grew up was that if anyone crossed me, I would have to f*** them up or when I got home my mom would f*** me up. She taught me how to defend myself and love her so much for that.

And that constant threat of violence wasn’t oppressive?

Where I come from — Newburgh, NY — it’s pretty bad. I live and you just have to fight to get through life and I would rather fight on the street than come home and fight my mom. My mom is a tough bitch. Yeah, she’s my best friend and we party but she’s not going to let her daughter be a chump. I am her princess.

You were worried, though, before she showed up on the show.

I never what to expect from my mom. My mom will come in there and I don’t know if she will f*** up Frank’s family, she’ll f*** me up, she’ll f*** the girls up. My mom just does not play.

You said, “I’m not here to make friends,” a lot on the show. Is that your motto?

“I’m not here to make friends” is so boring. Let’s just say that I declined. I think maybe the girls had crushes on me and I just declined the offer for them to maybe see my vagina or get close to my vagina. I didn’t want them and I think they got offended.

At what point did you realize that you didn’t like them?

Coming in, I wasn’t even thinking about the girls. All I was thinking of was, “Oh my god this is my first time trying to date someone without my mom down my throat and down their throat.” I think I was consumed by that and to be honest, the girls bored me. None of them caught my attention. I like to go out with girls that look bad, girls that are just hot and fun and these girls couldn’t keep up with me.

And what are your thoughts on Frank at this point?

I really have nothing bad to say about Frank. The chemistry just wasn’t there, and like I said I couldn’t do it without my mom being there. I feel like she has to be more involved in my dating process. I think Frank’s a good guy, his family is amazing and I have nothing bad to say about them.

Not even after he called you a “little girl?”

That’s his opinion. Maybe that’s just not his type, but maybe he’s not my type either. I like guys with a big wallet and a big d*** and from the shorts he had on, I didn’t see either one of those swinging in there. F*** the d*** if the big wallet isn’t there. That s***’s important.

You did know about his financial situation doing into the show.

I was seeing if I could look past it. I think if I really loved somebody honestly I could. But like I said, it wasn’t there.

All of this talk about needing your mother to help you find love sounds to me like you’re gunning for a spin-off.

You know what? Me and my mom are going out looking for love regardless and if the world wants to watch the world of Donna and Dana, then they gotta keep up.

Donna and Dana. It’s like it was meant to be: the two of you as an entertaining duo.

We have double D’s, we are double D’s, and it’s just great. We have D-breasts we are Dana and Donna we are just divine, delicious and delightful.

Did your mom enjoy watching herself on TV?

No, my mom won’t even watch the show. She’s like, “F*** this s***, I am not watching the show. My daughter ain’t competing for no dude, dudes will be competing for my daughter. I won Dana because I got your ass outta there.” She’s on that kind of s*** where she’s all happy that she won. She got what she wanted, she eliminated me.

It seems like you were born to be on reality TV.

Even before reality TV, I think everyone was just so fascinated with me. They just love to hate me and hate to love me. They will never admit they love me but they are just totally obsessed with me I think.

Follow Dana on Twitter. (Her mom, Donna, is on Twitter, too!)

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