One big happy family: Frank, Kerry, his parents and the cameramen. Awww!
At last, we have come to this:
Three women remain in the competition for Frank’s heart/gym shorts. Frank notifies them that soon it will be only two, who’ll share a date with him set against the Manhattan skyline. Which two it’ll be is going to be left up to the ladies — they’ll have to some way, somehow vote one of themselves out. Because, after all, why listen to your heart when we have such a fine system of democracy at hand? If you think this idea of “Frank’s” is wrong, you are clearly Communist and, by extension, a monster. I hope someone suffocates you with an American flag.
Frank hugs them goodbye and everyone’s like, “I’m staying!!!” Nothing like establishing a rule to wring out some last-minute drama! And so, what happens is exactly what’s supposed to: tears abound, hyperventilation threatens, legs flail.
Kerry wonders, “If he knows he wants me so bad then why is he going to leave it up to two other people?” Because it’s more fun that way for everyone except you three, Kerry! She is borderline inconsolable.
Cathy knows Kerry’s here for him, and that she’s here for him. She turns to the third party and wonders, “Felicia, why do you think you should stay?” Felicia doesn’t think she needs to explain herself. Cathy says she does because she’s not here for him. The conversation gets only more heated from there:
Cathy: Tell me you don’t f***ing care about him.
Felicia: I do care about him, so f*** you!
Cathy (whispering): Bitch.
Cathy asks Kerry if she thinks Felicia is here for him. She doesn’t know. We flashback to last episode, when Felicia told Kerry that this might not be worth it anymore, and that she had her bags packed. A damning flashback if ever there were. It is at this point that Kerry begins sobbing and kicking.
Meanwhile, Frank’s all…
…”I’m on a boat!” Just kidding. He interviews that he’s been waiting there for two hours already and figures that if they take that long to decide, they must really care about him. Well, either him or arguing.
Perhaps to get a different perspective, they take their sulking and bickering outside.
Susan comes out to address them:
Kerry explains the situation, but Susan already seems to know. Shocker – her status makes her functionally omniscient, at least as far as the goings on of the house go. Susan says that Frank left it up to them because after what happened with Dana, he’s afraid he’s going to let the wrong girl go home. So I guess he doesn’t trust himself to make the wise decision. How inadvertently wise of him! She asks them to “spare Frank that heartbreak.” Yeah, really. What are limbs for but to flail, after all?
Kerry begins another round of hardcore crying.
In a moment of poetry, her tears pool on her bff’s arm:
Meanwhile, Felicia apparently decides that it’s time to try out her one-woman Blair Witch Project. She crouches in a corner.
When she emerges from the bathroom, she says, “I’ll go home.” “Thank you,” Cathy curtly says in response. This could be the first time in her life that Cathy’s been short and to the point. Thank god this moment was caught on film!
Felicia then leaves without much ceremony. Susan hugs her.
In an interview, Gary says he “grew fond of” Felicia. It ends abruptly there, as though to leave a question mark hanging in the air.
Felicia herself interviews that it’s not about winning the game, it’s about who Frank has the bigger connection with, and he clicks more with Kerry and Cathy. That’s Felicia for you: factual about romantic issues. But really: way to be the bigger person. This girl goes home toting major respect as far as I’m concerned.
Cathy and Kerry meet Frank on his boat. Kerry is first. Frank snatches her in his arms.
“YOU LOOK GREAT,” he bellows at her. Frank, on the other hand, looks…
…frightening when Cathy comes walking down the dock. I’m assuming his eyes rolling back in Cathy’s presence is some kind of Pavlovian response at this point.
“I knew you were gonna be one of ‘em!” he tells Cathy. All that drama was for nothing, then? How modern. Cathy interviews that feels like through all their ups and downs, this is where she’s supposed to be. What ups and downs has she had with Frank? Their relationship has seemed like smooth sailing to me. She must mean ins and outs.
And then, as is required on any VH1 finale involving a boat, Frank climbs up on the bow…
…and, I’m sure I don’t even have to even tell you what he yells…
…but I will, anyway: “I’m King of the World!” It just goes to show that you can try to class up VH1 and stack the lineup with “redemptive” programming, but you will never rid the airwaves of references to Titanic no matter what.
While Frank is doing this, by the way, Cathy and Kerry clearly can’t be bothered. They jokingly talk about their “connection,” and pretend like they’re going to make out. Aw, lesbifriends.
Frank finally joins them and they do that finale yammering that always happens repeatedly in these things. Cathy talks about them not hitting their high point yet. Kerry is already comfortable with him because of all their dates. That’s nice, that’s nice, now pass the salami.
Soon, they arrive in the “high-class hotel” in Manhattan at which they’ll spend their last nights together. The girls arrive in their room to find…
…they’re to sleep in the same bed. Except, that’s not what it means at all, as Frank also has a bed in another room that’s begging to be taken advantage of.
They soon receive a note from Frank detailing the day’s activities. While what they read is, “I had a great time sailing with you…” and “Today, Cathy, it’s your turn to have some fun…”, what we see is:
Fantastic editing, all around. I guess the hope was that no one’s yet heard of TiVo or the ability to pause airing TV.
Anyway, Cathy’s going first. Her one-on-one with Frank involves a carriage ride, a picnic on a rock in Central Park…
…and lots of glass clinking…
Oh yeah, and this:
This time, they don’t bother to cover the cameras. Growing up before our eyes, they are!
The next morning, Cathy walks back to her room with Kerry, enters and holds up what I’m assuming is her sex arm.
Cathy tells Kerry about their date — she ends by saying they went back to his room and “chilled.” She doesn’t explain what chilled in where, but then she doesn’t have to. Kerry interviews that she and Cathy were friends “but that’s not the case anymore,” or at least it seems like she says this. There are a lot of cutaways during this interview, which is suspect, especially since the shot we land on is of the two of them practically nuzzling:
With friends like these, who needs pet ponies?
There is a knock on the door, and it’s Frank’s parents. Susan would like to speak with Kerry one more time.
Kerry says she adores Frank and can’t wait to spend time with him outside of show. But does she think Cathy adores him? She couldn’t say. “It seems like she does really care about him,” she concedes. Very skillfully played, I have to say. Susan mentions “stories” that she’s heard about a physical relationship between Cathy and Frank. They all begin, “Once upon a time,” and end, “…three minutes later.” Kerry confirms the rumor. Susan is disgusted in an interview, saying, “What if I’d gone downstairs to wash clothes?” Well, at least the detergent would be in close proximity for the inevitable eyeball washing that would need to follow.
While Frank and Kerry go off on what looks like a super exciting date in a double-decker bus…
…Susan interrogates Cathy.
Susan tells Cathy that she’s afraid she and Frank are only connecting on a physical level. Gary adds, “Are you ashamed of anything you did here?” Ha, this interrogation is clearly more fun than sex. Susan thinks you shouldn’t dive into a physical relationship when you meet someone; you should establish something on an emotional level. Getting to the point (i.e. to really make Cathy squirm), Susan reveals that she heard sex between Frank and Cathy did take place – more than once, the girls all said. Except Susan doesn’t say “sex,” because…I mean, it’s her son that we’re talking about. Such chastity usually seems rather silly – here, it seems merciful.
Cathy interviews that this is embarrassing (as with Dana, it again looks as though we’ve arrived at our point). She assures Susan (and us?) that her being in the Top 2 doesn’t have anything. It doesn’t not have anything to do with sex, either, though! The scene ends with Susan wishing Cathy luck. We can only assume that the footage of her miming sticking her finger down her throat after was left on the cutting-room floor.
Meanwhile, we cut back to Kerry and Frank on their date. Kerry interviews that she and Frank have this “amazing energy” when they’re by themselves.
Apparently, they pass that energy back and forth via their hands.
And also their tongues.
I mean, really.
All of this would seem to be leading up to an explosion of juices once back in Frank’s room. But the fact of the matter is that…
…Kerry declines to sleep with Frank. She that she’d feel terrible if Frank picked Cathy after she was intimate with him. She settles on just sleeping next to him. For some people, this is enough. Thank god we have cameras so that we can study these strange specimens.
A fairly standard final deliberation takes place with Frank and his parents. It’s all worth it for the look on his face when Susan reveals that she knows that Frank and Cathy did the chatty, I mean nasty.
And then, elimination.
As usual, everyone’s waiting on Frank. But for once, Susan gets to use the bullhorn she doesn’t need whatsoever to call him down.
Pulling out all the stops for the finale, I see. A rather dapper-looking Frank finally shows up.
Frank welcomes them to Central Park and then tells them, “We gotta make this fast before the cops come.” He’s always making it fast for something. Frank breaks down the situation: Kerry balances him out. She’s calm, he’s crazy. On the other hand Cathy’s a bit of a hothead, but this could mean she’s meant to be a Maresca.
Frank drags his feet, cops be damned, but he ends up going with Kerry.
Tells Cathy that she’s a wonderful woman and any man would be lucky to have by his side. Any man except for him, I guess. He interviews, “At the end of the day, my heart didn’t tell me to go with her.” Well, that’s as logical as any explanation of anything on this channel.
Frank finally receives Kerry. He tells her, “For weeks I’ve been giving you the key to my basement, but tonight I’m going to give you the key to my heart. Kerry, will you accept this key to my heart?”
She does (it’s around her neck). Gary reasonably interviews, “We’re hoping that at least by the reunion show, that they’re still.” That’s wishful thinking for a variety of reasons, the most important not having to do anything with Frank and Kerry, but the existence of a reunion show at all. (It isn’t happening.) Whatever. Frank bellows his convertible trademark: “I looooooove Kerry!” And for that moment, I’m inclined to believe that he actually might have. Cute.
The Celebreality Interview – Kerry
The Celebreality Interview – Cathy
The Celebreality Interview – Frank
Frank The Entertainer…In A Basement Affair – Cast Reveal
Frank The Entertainer…In A Basement Affair show page
Frank The Entertainer…In A Basement Affair videos and extras
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