Guys, here’s what Chilli doesn’t want in a man. Or rather, on a man.
From “Ain’t To Proud To Beg,” to “No Scrubs,” TLC’s Chilli spent a lot of time telling us exactly what she wanted — though maybe not as explicitly as her bandmate Left-Eye. But, as we learned with Pep, knowing what you want doesn’t make it easier to find. And like Pep, Chilli has been burned by industry relationships. Not naming any names but…
Now Chilli’s holding out for “the one.” We begin the first episode by learning Chilli’s checklist for her future husband:
— can’t drink or smoke
— has to love god
— has to be superfine
— can’t eat pork
No one who had ever had a juicy pork bun would ever have that last requirement. “Does that make me picky?” she asks. Yes! And possibly in a self-sabotaging way. What Chilli Wants is a fantasy series.
“Date Jesus,” Missy Elliott tells her. She’s so direct, I can’t even remember why I didn’t understand 80 percent of “Gossip Folks.” Thing is, Jesus doesn’t have time to date, and he likes a glass or two of red after work to unwind.
We meet Chilli’s dating coach Tionna Smalls. “I’m gonna sniff guys out, like I’m a dog,” she promises. I hope this means lots of crotch-sniffing hijinks this season.
Chilli tells her she’s looking for a man finer than Denzel Washington, with washboard six-pack (not four-pack!) abs, a sense of humor, and he can’t eat pork. He has to love kids, but not have “no more than two baby mamas.” So he also can’t love kids too much, know what I’m saying?
“He has to be packin,” Chilli adds. In case you aren’t sure what that means, she demonstrates (above). And is totally serious (below).
So Tionna is going to have to go for junk first, as I predicted.
Tionna sees that this is going to be difficult. You can see it in her “this is going to be difficult” face.
“If you see a guy who got a big ding-ding, he ain’t got no job,” is Tionna’s example of how difficult this will be. Who knew this was mutually exclusive?
Chilli’s son is named Tron. And he’s super cute. He says his only condition is that any man Chilli dates must recognize that he’s the man of the house. So Tron looks just like his mom, and is unreasonably demanding, just like his mom.
Also, check out Chilli’s mom:
This is a grandmother, folks. And Chilli is almost 40 and looks the same as she did in 1994. She wants to have another kid, and she perhaps should, if only to keep passing down what are amazing genes.
Tionna and Chilli go to an awards ceremony for the Mayor, which is a good place to meet guys with jobs. It’s literally a goldmine.
They focus in on one gentleman, and Tionna touches the guy’s package twice and determines, “He ain’t a little man.” And he has a job. Against all odds! They set up a date.
In the meantime Tionna goes on a mission to interview Chilli’s friends, family and ex-boyfriend.
T-Boz always had the best hair in TLC. The best! She used to be a hairdresser. Can you tell?
T-Boz says she should be a little more flexible, maybe not worry about the “genitals.” Then again, she says, maybe it’ll be so good…
…it’ll help her forget her other requirements. So a big peen is not up for negotiation.
Ex-boyfriend Dallas Austin points out that he drank and smoked while they were together. So Chilli isn’t as inflexible as she says she is. But Dallas also produced much of TLC’s early material, so he can be forgiven for a lot.
This is Dallas Austin demonstrating not Chilli’s peen requirements, but how broad her other requirements are.
Note that Tionna asks if he used to drink and smoke, not if he had a big penis. The interview pitch to him must have been good: “Chilli wants you to talk about how she wants a gorgeous man with a big penis and won’t compromise, and you’re her ex-boyfriend so can you speak to that?”
Chilli goes on her date, but Tionna follows.
Note: semi-spying on someone else’s date must get boring. You’ve just gotta live vicariously while you’re having solo wine.
Her date orders chorizo, and Chilli explains that pork is “so nasty.”
I did this as well. Anyone who’s had speck knows pork is far from nasty.
“Do you like women. All the time?” she asks him, seriously.
Tionna and I were both like…
… because surely this is a first-date turn off. Instead he asks the same of her. “I’m strictly d***ly,” Chilli says. Not the most elegant rhyme. That’s why Left-Eye handled the rapping, I think. Also I’ve got some:
—- I’m totally scrotally.
—- I dodge the vadge.
—- I’m keen for the peen.
—- I got a pang for wang.
But Tionna asks Chilli to move along in her line of questioning.
Surprisingly, Chilli is into her date. But not as much as she seems to be into Floyd Merriweather. Floyd has four kids, but only two baby mamas. He doesn’t smoke or drink. And ab wise:
…He could use some work. The fifth and sixth aren’t as defined as Chilli would like.
Floyd uses his own gold flatware on their date. So far on this show I’ve learned pork is nasty and using the restaurant’s silverware is nasty. I thought reality TV was supposed to make me feel better about myself? I’m going to go watch Hoarders and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, bye!
Floyd and Chilli decide that they would be better off as friends. But do your friends look at you like this?
You wish. At the end, Tionna meets up to tell Chilli that her standards are too high. Especially on the pork thing. No one who’s ever had Berkshire bacon would say pork is nasty.
“Sex ain’t nothing without a warm pole to go home to,” Tionna says, vowing to find Chilli her warm pole this season. The takeaway from the premiere episode of What Chilli Wants: Chilli is too demanding. She should learn to compromise on what she needs from a man. Except on the penis thing.