What Chilli Wants Recap – Episode 1 – Two Inches Or A Yard

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Guys, here’s what Chilli doesn’t want in a man. Or rather, on a man.


From “Ain’t To Proud To Beg,” to “No Scrubs,” TLC’s Chilli spent a lot of time telling us exactly what she wanted — though maybe not as explicitly as her bandmate Left-Eye. But, as we learned with Pep, knowing what you want doesn’t make it easier to find. And like Pep, Chilli has been burned by industry relationships. Not naming any names but…

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Now Chilli’s holding out for “the one.” We begin the first episode by learning Chilli’s checklist for her future husband:

– can’t drink or smoke
– has to love god
– has to be superfine
– can’t eat pork

No one who had ever had a juicy pork bun would ever have that last requirement. “Does that make me picky?” she asks. Yes! And possibly in a self-sabotaging way. What Chilli Wants is a fantasy series.

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“Date Jesus,” Missy Elliott tells her. She’s so direct, I can’t even remember why I didn’t understand 80 percent of “Gossip Folks.” Thing is, Jesus doesn’t have time to date, and he likes a glass or two of red after work to unwind.

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We meet Chilli’s dating coach Tionna Smalls. “I’m gonna sniff guys out, like I’m a dog,” she promises. I hope this means lots of crotch-sniffing hijinks this season.

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Chilli tells her she’s looking for a man finer than Denzel Washington, with washboard six-pack (not four-pack!) abs, a sense of humor, and he can’t eat pork. He has to love kids, but not have “no more than two baby mamas.” So he also can’t love kids too much, know what I’m saying?

“He has to be packin,” Chilli adds. In case you aren’t sure what that means, she demonstrates (above). And is totally serious (below).

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So Tionna is going to have to go for junk first, as I predicted.

Tionna sees that this is going to be difficult. You can see it in her “this is going to be difficult” face.

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“If you see a guy who got a big ding-ding, he ain’t got no job,” is Tionna’s example of how difficult this will be. Who knew this was mutually exclusive?

Chilli’s son is named Tron. And he’s super cute. He says his only condition is that any man Chilli dates must recognize that he’s the man of the house. So Tron looks just like his mom, and is unreasonably demanding, just like his mom.

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Also, check out Chilli’s mom:

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This is a grandmother, folks. And Chilli is almost 40 and looks the same as she did in 1994. She wants to have another kid, and she perhaps should, if only to keep passing down what are amazing genes.

Tionna and Chilli go to an awards ceremony for the Mayor, which is a good place to meet guys with jobs. It’s literally a goldmine.

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They focus in on one gentleman, and Tionna touches the guy’s package twice and determines, “He ain’t a little man.” And he has a job. Against all odds! They set up a date.

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In the meantime Tionna goes on a mission to interview Chilli’s friends, family and ex-boyfriend.

T-Boz always had the best hair in TLC. The best! She used to be a hairdresser. Can you tell?

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T-Boz says she should be a little more flexible, maybe not worry about the “genitals.” Then again, she says, maybe it’ll be so good…

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…it’ll help her forget her other requirements. So a big peen is not up for negotiation.

Ex-boyfriend Dallas Austin points out that he drank and smoked while they were together. So Chilli isn’t as inflexible as she says she is. But Dallas also produced much of TLC’s early material, so he can be forgiven for a lot.

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This is Dallas Austin demonstrating not Chilli’s peen requirements, but how broad her other requirements are.

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Note that Tionna asks if he used to drink and smoke, not if he had a big penis. The interview pitch to him must have been good: “Chilli wants you to talk about how she wants a gorgeous man with a big penis and won’t compromise, and you’re her ex-boyfriend so can you speak to that?”

Chilli goes on her date, but Tionna follows.

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Note: semi-spying on someone else’s date must get boring. You’ve just gotta live vicariously while you’re having solo wine.

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Her date orders chorizo, and Chilli explains that pork is “so nasty.”

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I did this as well. Anyone who’s had speck knows pork is far from nasty.

“Do you like women. All the time?” she asks him, seriously.

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Tionna and I were both like…

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… because surely this is a first-date turn off. Instead he asks the same of her. “I’m strictly d***ly,” Chilli says. Not the most elegant rhyme. That’s why Left-Eye handled the rapping, I think. Also I’ve got some:

—- I’m totally scrotally.
—- I dodge the vadge.
—- I’m keen for the peen.
—- I got a pang for wang.

But Tionna asks Chilli to move along in her line of questioning.

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Surprisingly, Chilli is into her date. But not as much as she seems to be into Floyd Merriweather. Floyd has four kids, but only two baby mamas. He doesn’t smoke or drink. And ab wise:

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…He could use some work. The fifth and sixth aren’t as defined as Chilli would like.

Floyd uses his own gold flatware on their date. So far on this show I’ve learned pork is nasty and using the restaurant’s silverware is nasty. I thought reality TV was supposed to make me feel better about myself? I’m going to go watch Hoarders and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant, bye!

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Floyd and Chilli decide that they would be better off as friends. But do your friends look at you like this?

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You wish. At the end, Tionna meets up to tell Chilli that her standards are too high. Especially on the pork thing. No one who’s ever had Berkshire bacon would say pork is nasty.

“Sex ain’t nothing without a warm pole to go home to,” Tionna says, vowing to find Chilli her warm pole this season. The takeaway from the premiere episode of What Chilli Wants: Chilli is too demanding. She should learn to compromise on what she needs from a man. Except on the penis thing.

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  1. drwilson says:

    Just finished watching the first episode of “What Chilli Wants” I am thrilled to see Chilli on TV again, she has truly been missed, to get to know this personal side of her is great, also to know that all women no matter how successful and beautiful have struggles in finding a decent mate. As a fan for forever, wish Chilli much love in her endeavors. Loved the first episode!

  2. Rach says:

    This looks like it could shape up to be about as entertaining as LTaP, which I really liked. Between this, Fantasia for Real, and A Family Affair, looks like VH1 is looking to add to their base demographic.

    Gotta say though, if Chilli’s feelings on pork are related to her religious views, she might get upset that you didn’t capitalize “God”. Though I sense that her Celebreality interview will be plenty complainy-pants regardless.

  3. Outlaw Joseylita IA says:

    Chilli. ;-D
    Luuuv d show!
    U look awesome! Say ‘Hi to T-boz 4 me ;-D
    Luuv dat tune ‘Touch meself.. ;-) yea…

    Say… U get to bfriend domeone and then fall n luv.
    i say dat cause i’ve raize my marriage listen to ur guys music!
    I’ve been married 4 over 15 yrs! ;-) Friends first than lovers! ;-)

    U’ll find d rite one n ur hearth!
    Bol
    xoxo

  4. Harlem says:

    I enjoyed watching What Chilli Wants! Honestly, I didn’t think I would like this show but I did and will continue to watch.

  5. darlene peoples says:

    I so loved the show. Chilli looks great. I think that when women are looking for men they need to do go solo. instead of having their friends on the show with them. I hope that when let’s talk about Pep returns she will dump her friends.

  6. mzzladytee945 says:

    Luv the show Ms.Chilli but maybe u can clear up 1 thing for me…u have such HIGH stantards of what your ideal man looks like , but your whiling to settle for the man with the mulitple baby mama syndrome>>> something about that just does’nt add up… U have all these rules for what a man should be …but its ok if he spreads his seed like bee’s 2 pollin… I mean your a beautiful women who claims u dont like drama… I would rather eat a pork chop every day then deal wit baby mama drama !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And might I add being married 2 a hard working man… nothing makes him feel better than 2 come home after a long day than 2 sit down with me & hear about my day with cold one…I think its the getting drunk that makes a drinker all bad not a drink… but do u lady jus keep it real …I think I speak for the few that would trade a few things on your list for the bay-bay kids & the bay-bay kids mama !!!!

  7. mzzladytee945 says:

    By the way u & floyd look great 2gether…let me just say from experience dont lose a GOOD friend in this process…they r 2 hard to find !!!!!

  8. Nicole says:

    what is that song that they played at the end? it was something like this… “im tempted to tell yo that you might be the one girl”

  9. cosigning says:

    i love her because my requirements are the same. pork is nasty.

    what happened to the guy who owns a goldmine???

  10. fc says:

    Chilli is too picky with all the requirements for a man that is reason why she has been single for over six years,that man that she is dreaming of is more likely jobless and broke. she better face reality because she is 39 years old, with her expectations she will never find true love.

  11. charlene says:

    I’m not so certain if Chili has thought realistically about her so-called list. She’s focused on the outer man and not the inner man. Women aren’t suppose to go searching for the man, the bible says’ “He that finds a wife find a good thing. That is our probem as females. There aren’t any perfect men, and they all have flaws. some are better hidden then others. You pray about itand ask God to prepare us and work on ourselves. we must be specific in what we are asking God for. She says he must love God, the question is does he know Him.

  12. kandi says:

    I am not understanding why Chilli would have 2 go on a show 2 look 4 love.She’s a woman who is in the bussiness, so why haven’t she found some1.Maybe she needs 2 look at herself,ans stop being stuck up, and she need to stop that baby hair $$+~^(“%!~%&+)@ she’s too old for that.Maybe that’s why men are not taking her serious.Grow up.

  13. Lanita says:

    I really think that this show concept may not be right for Chilli, because everybody is focusing on her flaws as a woman. Everybody has a flaw or two about there selves, however her so called MATCH MAKER is really not being that helpful to Chilli, instead of her matchmaker acting like she is 4 Chilli, she more so acting against her, and that is not cool at all for the Matchmaker to be so judgemental. She taking things alittle too personal. But again, I really think that the show was a bad idea and it might leave chilli, looking not so good in the end. But Chilli, goodluck. Because everybody has flaws but urs are just being aired on T.V.
    But that just goes to show, that Chilli, has had someone who treated her like a queen and that’s why she knows what she wants. Because it’s hard to go back to getting treated okay verses being treated like a queen and living the GOOD LIFE! So Chilli, I don’t blame you, because trust and believe most of these men are picky too, and they have high standards also, so don’t settled for less. Also that so called matchmaker is just mad because Chilli, knows her worth…. Good luck Chilli….

  14. Jeanette says:

    The list needs to be cut in half. Somethings you just really can not win on. Personally, I think she should just hook up with Tyler Perry.

  15. Tami says:

    Chilli you and I have many of the same taste in men and preferences. Except the drinking and smoking part. If that’s what you want don’t compromise but you may not get everthing on the list just make sure it’s the most important things to keep. Good luck!

  16. Amy says:

    This show was a BAD idea!! Chilli comes across as a picky woman who is looking for this ideal man who probably does not exsist! We all have flaws. And I feel the only reason why she is not excluding a man with a child is because she has one. She needs to remember how old she is if she is serious about getting married. I mean she is a beautiful woman, in the industry, and she is not broke. So what is her problem with finding a man. Maybe she needs to look at herself! You are too damn picky girl. p.s. i don’t like the show.

  17. mjknjk says:

    Chilli girl…Floyd is the one…stop wasting time with these other guys…Your beautiful and Floyd seems to be into you…girlfriend he is the one…

  18. Ms M says:

    I just want to know what happens to all the guys Chili discards? Help out some of the other single ladies by creating some contact information on them…

    signed single mature in Tampa

  19. Sassy from NYC says:

    My sister you look amazing,back in the days people always said that you & I look so much alike.I just want to wish you the very best.I hope you find exactally what your looking for.To the haters talking about her baby hair,age and whatever negative comments posted.Stop hating!

  20. teehop says:

    Chilli I think this list is good, however I think you should take pork off and add baby mama drama on the list and make it number one. If you dont want them to eat pork cause it makes the blood pressure rise, then baby mama drama is right up there with high blood pressure.

  21. Endra says:

    chilli the best — and its good to see her back on t.v again….but I don’t see why she had to get a show about finding the right man.she should let god do that part and not vh1.
    – n e ways i can’t wait for the next one to come..=}

  22. Raffy says:

    After watching this show, is seems like Chili is a little unrealistic. In my opinion, her first date with Christian was great and he’s super hot!!! I would’ve jumped on that immediately!!! He seemed smart, has a job, straight and fine…you don’t find that in Atlanta these days, or anywhere for that matter. Christian is HOT and Chili better recognize and stop chasing all these high profile dudes that’ll do nothing but break her heart. I’m TEAM CHRISTIAN all day!!!! I think he needs his own show, so I can be a contestant!!!!!!!!!

  23. Monie says:

    Christian was soooooo adorable! If Chilli doesn’t pick him, then he definitley deserves love too (I smell a spin off show for him:) Their chemistry seemed so in tune but I have a feeling she won’t pick him. So if not…….Christian, give me a call!

  24. ylegrande says:

    Chilli, looks like your making the same mistake you made with Usher, you go out on a second date with this guy you met in the mansion; but say there is something about the guy you met at ball park you just can’t put your fingers on.He’ll you should be putting your fingers on the guy you went out to dinner with he look like he has sugar in his take. I love you girl friend but I can see why you don’t have a man, you look up you’ll be 50 yrs old and still don’t have a man. I’m like Missey, your looking for Jesus. (drink, smoke, pork, that’s personal. You just make sure they have life insurance if you marry them,its a person’s choice the same as you choose not to put these things in your body. I love you still girlfriend, but you are no longer 19

  25. ylegrande says:

    Chilli, looks like your making the same mistake you made with Usher, you go out on a second date with the guy you met at the fund rasier; but say there is something about the guy you met at ball park; you say its something about him you just can’t put your fingers on.Hell, you should be putting your fingers on the guy you went out to dinner with he look like he might have a little sugar in his tane. I love you girl friend but I can see why you don’t have a man, you look up you’ll be 50 yrs old and still don’t have a man. I’m like Missey, your looking for Jesus. (drink, smoke, pork, that’s personal. You just make sure they have life insurance if you marry them,its a person’s choice the same as you choose not to put these things in your body. I love you still girlfriend, but you are no longer 19

  26. ylegrande says:

    Chilli, you are creating a problem with your son thinking he’s the man of your house. He needs to know that when he starts paying the rent,gas,light,car note,food,car note,etc, he will be the man of that house; until then he’s a boy, your son whom you love very, very much and will never have to worry about you have any man in his life who can’t love and have his best interest at heart. Why doe’s young husband have to repect a child as the head of his household (check and double check) you are creating bigger problems letting him think that, he is a child and should take the responsiblity as a child. ‘DON’T MAKE THAT MISTAKE’ fix it now. I now you will never have just any man over your son, I can see that. This is all in love.. He’s not running his dad’s house and he never will.. It’s not cute for him to even think that; he’ll be grown and gone on with his life and you will be alone

  27. ylegrande says:

    Look like Chilli is holding out for brotherman Floyd,I can’t see Floyed or anyother man paying the bills with a manor boy claiming to be the man of the house

  28. WAUSECA says:

    Have have just seen “What Chilli Wants” for the first time. I must say I am disappointed. Rozonda is a beautiful, successful woman and while her standards seem extreme to some they are hers and she is entitled to have them. The biggest disappointment is how she drools over Floyd who, while interested is proving to be the right man at the wrong time. He may never grow-up and with that sad fact she should avoid him completely. Regardless of a womans beauty and success one thing rings clear is our ability to want the wrong man in our time of clarity. That may be the reason for her extremes – its hard to see a great thing when your wanting something else in the back of your mind.

  29. jpeezythe69er says:

    If Usher was to come back on his knees apologizing, and admitting that he didn’t know what he had when he was with chilli. Confess that he made a mistake and that leaving chilli was the most stupidest thing he’s ever done in his life,and he realize that now and admits that he was young when they first hooked up the last thing he wanted to do was hurt chilli its just that young men mature alot slower than women and that he had a lot of people in his ear,now that he’s been through the ups and downs of relationships,he’s had time to think and put things in perspective and get the skeletons out of his closet. And promise to be faithful caring and concerning,considerate of chilli feelings. Would she take him back bcause I can’t see them two with any one else. other than chilli being with me. Dallas was too! damn lame for a women like chilli

  30. Elaine Young says:

    I think that she is being very judgmental,rude and full of herself. No real man will ever put up with a women telling him what he can or can not eat!On top of that all the things she wants her man to have she is falling so,so short. She really need to come down to earth and stop dreaming. The things she talk about women settling for has nothing to do with the stuff she is talking about. To cut to the chase she is looking like a real $~*_`&(_%`)%$~@“ And that is putting it mildly, i’m sorry Jesus himself wouldn’t put up with her MESS and foolishness!

  31. Elaine Young says:

    You are so silly, you need to grow up first before you get a man. You need to go on Vh1 Tough Love. You are on the wrong show wasting that lady’s time.

  32. PSolver says:

    Chilli, grow up. Live Life. Stop being a stick in the mud. There is only one Perfect One. You need to be Human and let people be people. You’ve been around the World. You can’t dictate what you expect out of a man. You need a Man, your son needs a Dad. Dallas, his Father, is all about work. And you surely can’t handle Floyd’s lifestyle. You’d be surprised at yourself if you just breathed. And so what if you get disappointed, it happens to the best of us. But you’re shriveling up like a raisin before the world’s eyes … and that’s such a waste. Be Happy, and Prosperous — Tionna, make sure you get them doggybags girl (haha) I ain’t mad at ya …

  33. S C says:

    This woman is a disgrace to black people. And her walk along bulldog Ms Tionna should stop tryin to find chilli a rich chump and find herself a male bulldog herself. Chilli son father need to spend more time with his son because his mother has him lookin and acting like some little girl.

  34. Tseb Eht says:

    I like the show it has some real components in it. Looking for a soulmate is a complex process. I like that you have a a standard or shall I say a baseline for what you desire. Your list creates a comfort zone for you. I also find you not to be as shallow as your show sometime lead its audience to believe. You interviewed wonderful guys but they didn’t make the cut. That’s life!It seems to me that you are looking for an individual who is equally yoked, got real dept and is not fake. Word! Your match maker is a strong minded individual but I think she is looking for what she likes and who she wants. This is why she seems to be a bad match for you. I have a question, do she really come on dates with you? To me that is not “KooL.” Oh, maybe you might be interested in an older guy they seem to be more leveled and polished.I got to go and I wish you the best…

  35. 4848819 says:

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