It’s exhausting looking for a fantasy, isn’t it?
At the start of this episode of What Chilli Wants, Chilli and Tionna go over her list while gazing wistfully into an aquarium.
I see a metaphor here: There are lots of fish in the sea, but they all stink to Chilli. We also learn that her list has expanded. The future Mr. Chilli must be:
— Superfine with a six-pack (really, two things, but you can’t say they’re not related)
— Has to have nice lips
— He can’t drink
— Or smoke
— Or eat pork
— He can’t be hard-headed
As a teetotaler herself, she probably doesn’t realize that men who never drink or smoke are usually also uptight and hardheaded. But whatever, that could make a good match.
Notice that the job and penis requirements have been removed from the list, for now. Last week’s premiere had enough penis talk for the season.
Tionna will respect the list, but interviews that “sometimes you’ve got to do things you never did to get things you never had.” She’s not talking about para-sailing or pork-eating, she’s talking about compromise.
The first man of significance is Braves pitcher Mike Gonzales.
This is Chilli’s reaction to meeting him:
Professional athletes are TLC’s catnip — and Kryptonite. But it takes a hot man to unfurrow or raise Chilli’s brows. She is at a Braves game to throw out the first pitch. And to find a date:
Too far. Too, too far. This looks like those ads in the back of the Village Voice, or the fliers you get on the street in Vegas. Chilli on a platter, basically.
Chilli retreats to a private box with her friends while Tionna interviews the men brave enough to answer a personal ad on a JumboTron. She asks one guy if he’s well-endowed, and another if he’s in the country illegally. Kinda makes you want your own dating coach, so you wouldn’t have to bring up the uncomfortable stuff on your own. There are so many unanswered questions about this guy, and you only need to see this photo to have about 15 of your own:
So Dolvett is the only winner out of the bunch. He has a six-pack, and this smile…
…which isn’t on the list, but is a very good sign if you’re looking for a non-smoker.
Now Dolvett’s the meat on the platter, which Tionna serves up to Chilli. It is awkward for everyone. In fact, it’s hard to tell who it’s more embarrassing for: Dolvett or Chilli. Certainly not Tionna though.
“Don’t get me wrong, Dovett is not bad-looking…” Chilli says. Tionna gets immediately defensive and leave the room. “Try to come at me? But I’m from Brooklyn, I don’t play that,” Tionna says, to no one in particular. It’s true, no one in Brooklyn takes constructive criticism well. It’s part of our borough identity.
Tionna tries once again to get Chilli to go out with Dolvett, who happens to be one of Atlanta’s most eligible bachelors, according to what I’m sure is a very respected local website.
One of his accomplishments listed in the article is that he has a recurring role on Tyler Perry’s House Of Payne, what I’m sure is a very respected TV show. So he’s an actor too. A wannabe actor on a reality show? Check and check. Chilli seems really open and responsive to the idea of leaving her comfort zone:
But first Chilli goes skating with Floyd, her “friend.”
Floyd brings his own skates to the rink, as Chilli notices. But I noticed that he brings his own stuff everywhere, whether that’s silverware or skates. But they’re Prada light up skates, which just need to be worn. You’re really depriving people if you don’t let them see these things in action:
Will this be one of those shows where the main character goes searching for love all over, just to discover it was under her nose the whole time? Based on this alone:
I will say yes.
Back to Dolvett. Chilli says maybe Tionna saw something in Dolvett that she didn’t. Tionna saw this:
But it’s not enough to keep Chilli interested. First turnoff: Dolvette has a 13-year-old son in Virginia, but he doesn’t talk to him every day. Unacceptable for Chilli. Really though, what teenager wants to talk to their parents every day? There are 13-year-olds around the country not talking to their parents in their house, never mind in another state. On further inspection…
…he’s also too smooth. “You got the 1-900 voice,” Chilli says. She’s learning that a gorgeous guy with a job, a six-pack, and (possibly?) a big penis might also have an ego problem.
Dolvett takes her to a 50-foot-high rope course, and she’s afraid to walk across, but he encourages her to look at him. This is actually very clever, since it puts her in a position of vulnerability and trust on their first date. I think we have a Gamer on our hands. And Chilli sees right through it.
Tionna sits down with Dolvett the next day to get his perspective on the date. His perspective on the date:
According to Dolvett, Chilli was guarded and defensive. “Judgmental,” Tionna adds. Chilli now has her own checklist to work on.
Chilli invites her girlfriends and Tionna over. And, yes! One of those friend is this woman:
…who I have seen far too little of these past long years. So thank you, Chilli.
It’s a girl’s night in, and Chilli has a stripper over for their entertainment. TLC must have bounced back after declaring bankruptcy all those years ago, because Chilli has the money to hire the world’s only robot stripper. Very realistic:
A stripper of any kind is unexpected, since Chilli seems a little too conservative for home delivery strippers, no? Missy Elliott runs out of the room, but Tionna enjoys it:
Missy keeps trying to get Chilli to admit that she likes Floyd as more than a friend. She finally does, but she doesn’t look happy about it.
And neither does Tionna…
…since it’ll mean she’s out of a job. Brooklyn: We Go Home.