The thing about happy endings: They usually lead to :( beginnings.
Like the :( beginning to this week’s Tough Love Couples. We start this episode with a confession from Mario: He went for a massage at an Asian massage parlor and got a happy ending.
It is sorta like a massage, I guess. Pawel’s reaction: “Woopty.” He’s so unimpressed that he can’t even muster a “do.” It’s like, if you go for a haircut, and they throw in a blow dry and flat iron, are you supposed to say no? No! This guy knows what I’m talking about.
Ryan takes this opportunity to make fun of Mario in front of Axelle. Because nothing makes you look good to your girlfriend like other bad boyfriends. This is obviously going to be one of the highlights of Tough Love Couples.
Christina thinks this is a bigger deal than any of the guys do, and she questions why they’re even at Tough Love Couples. Mario goes to compose his apology, with the help of the other guys, and these…
…for inspiration. And perhaps these…
…for more inspiration? How are you taking your relationships seriously when you can’t take your sleepwear seriously? This apology is blind leading the blind, of course.
Steve’s first exercise for the couples this week is to have them argue out their issues, and punctuate each complaint with a little slime.
First off, arguing plus slime automatically makes me think of this. Except the slime is supposed to absorb their negative energy. Somehow here it intensifies it and brings about some awful revelations. So I think Steve misjudged:
The best exchange here:
We could spend the rest of the episode getting the back story on Pawel and his free-balling (aren’t you curious?) — but let’s move on.
Christina and Mario are up, and she is able to get her anger out via the green slime, although, as we saw earlier, she doesn’t need the slime’s help. Mario, wisely, doesn’t shoot her at all. “If it makes you feel any better, she looked like Mr. Miyagi,” he says. It doesn’t make her feel better, and, frankly, knowing he paid an elderly Chinese woman to do his happy ending makes me a little sadder too.
Ryan’s first complaint is, “You went through my Facebook.” It launches what might have been a half-hour argument on Facebook etiquette. Who knows? It’s hard to tell what they edited. But it felt like half an hour just watching a few seconds of it. Luckily it ends with Ryan lettings Axelle spray the slime in his mouth. Unluckily, he doesn’t tell us how it tastes. The slime at Nickelodeon Universal Studios always tasted like corn syrup and barf.
Courtney says she doesn’t want to marry someone lazier than she is. She is setting the bar pretty low here. She probably also wants someone who won’t keep on punishing her for things she did in the past…
…the past, the past, the past, the past…
Their next challenge: Move their own new sets of bedroom furniture from the moving truck into their rooms. “I’m having these couples furnish their bedrooms to see if they’re capable of teamwork,” Steve explains.
This gives me a great idea for a moving/couples-therapy business that I won’t give away here. Suffice to say, by the time you read this, I will already be a millionaire.
Nothing brings a couple together like fighting with another couple. Larry and Christina fight over who gets the last set of queen-sized bed sheets. Except Heather isn’t on Larry’s side when he gets into an argument with Christina and Mario. So it actually makes things worse. Then Larry makes it The worst:
But this can’t compare to Axelle and Ryan’s epic fight. It spans hours, covers the entire mansion, lasts longer than Gone With The Wind.
I am on Axelle’s side here, except for this point: “Being from France, I’m surrounded by sophisticated crowd, and we go to sophisticated events rather than bars.” Once again: Here’s the counterargument.
It’s time for group. As you know, Steve collects their rent in tears:
Steve has Ryan read the scant list of dates he’s taken Axelle on, which include “family events such as baptisms” and “an AC/DC concert,” which Steve interrupts to execute a three-point eye roll:
How did they even get to the point of being in a serious relationship, when they’ve been on less than five dates? Did someone who hates both of them set them up?
The hot seat belongs to Larry, though. Larry is confronted about stealing the sheets, lying about stealing the sheets, calling Christina a “bitch” for taking the sheets back, then lying to Mario about calling Christina a bitch. He tries to lie again, but it’s pretty easy to get caught when you’re surrounded by cameras.
It’s time for Steve to vent his anger. He doesn’t need slime:
Larry gets out of the worst of Steve’s yelling by “opening up,” i.e. tears.
Never underestimate their power.