See now, this is how you find a man.
But at the start of this episode of What Chilli Wants, it seems like she won’t need it, since she has options, now. First, there’s Floyd. And Chilli gets her second date with Christian, this guy:
He survived their first date during the premiere episode. How do you make a second date more intimidating than a first date surrounded by cameras with your date’s dating coach sitting behind you, and being bombarded with questions about your sexuality and pork habits (not a euphemism)? Just throw this woman into the mix:
Christian says Chilli’s expectations are “space-age.” I don’t know what that means, and neither do the girls. Did he mean next level? High-tech? Or that they don’t eat pork in space? Who knows. Well, I know. Good thing “strong vocabulary” wasn’t on Chilli’s list.
Missy grills him, but he holds his own. Still, Chilli says something is missing. “Jesus is taken, Obama is taken, and Michelle won’t play that,” Missy argues. Won’t play what is uncertain, but Chilli is once again not up for modifying her list.
I do like that Obama and Jesus are basically the only two people Missy can think of, and that, according to Chilli’s list, they actually both don’t make the cut. But anyway: Why is Missy Elliott here while Tionna Smalls is not? Is Tionna Smalls out making hit R&B singles? Oh, no? That’s Missy’s job, you say? Can someone tell her?
Christian doesn’t stand a chance anyway, because Chilli has her mind on this:
Luckily TLC is getting ready for a show in Vegas, where Floyd lives. And that means Chilli has to rehearse both her routines and what she’ll say to him.
Let us just enjoy watching Chilli rehearse for a second, because we get to see some of TLC’s classic moves.
The “Creep” dance! Tron is as happy as I am. This is part of why you become a superstar, right? Your kids just don’t look at you the same when you take them to work with you at the insurance company.
Chilli says it’s been seven years since TLC performed Stateside. They “shut it down” after the death of Left Eye. “Deep down I know she would want this for us,” Chilli says. I wish we knew what she wanted for Chilli’s love life. Missy Elliott is pretty great, but no one spoke her mind like Left Eye. Sigh:
This is what Floyd needs to see:
Great arms. Call her picky, but Chilli’s not asking for anything that she doesn’t have herself. That’s important right?
After rehearsals, Tionna has a talk with Chilli. “Is it possible that Floyd Mayweather is the one?” she asks. I mean, duh. Chilli thinks about the possibility and gets this look in her eyes.
If you look closely, I think you can see pink hearts coming out of her ears. Tionna is, once again surprised at Chilli’s enthusiasm, probably because she’s given the gas face to every other man she’s picked out. Note: This un-Chilli-like sense of optimism will not last. So let’s enjoy its brief cameo appearance this episode.
Chilli takes Tron out for go-karts and burritos. And I am still shocked at the ability of celebrities to turn out tiny adults. He says, “Bravo” and applauds her recent rehearsals. Look at his tiny adult face:
When they get to Vegas Tionna meets with a bookie to get Chilli’s odds of finding “the one” in Atlanta. I thought this was going to be stupid, but he actually made a lot of sense. Eliminating all the women, old men, kids, guys who smoke, guys who eat pork, guys without jobs (and in this economy!), and with bad credit, he says her chances are 2.8 million to 1. But, hey, she’s in Vegas, her search has already crossed state boarders. Odds are good she could find the one in another part of the country.
Backstage at the charity show, Taylor Swift tells Chilli that she was ten years old when she saw the video for “Unpretty” and fell in love with TLC. You know she’s young if “Unpretty” is her favorite TLC single.
Lisa’s family comes to say hello to Chilli and T-Boz. And…wow, Lisa’s sister Reigndrop Lopes looks EXACTLY like her. The face, hair, everything. Also, her name is not Raindrop, but REIGNdrop. Is it possible that Lisa named her sister?
We get a taste of “What About Your Friends” (the track that, in my mind, has the craziest of Left-Eye raps), “Waterfalls,” and “No Scrubs.”
An inspiring moment for all:
Okay, dry your eyes. Time to get back to Floyd.
Well first, back to Tionna, who interviews that her job is done if this works…but we’re only three episodes in. Logically, this doesn’t exactly bode well for what’s coming next, does it?
Nor does the fact that Floyd is very, very late for his date with Chilli. Tionna stays to keep her company, but turns out she’s really there to cheer her up.
Then he calls, and because we can’t hear his end of the call, these photos kind of tell you as much as the video does:
Chilli’s reaction: “Wow.” Tionna tries to cheer her up with the promise of more men and better dates. But no one can save Chilli from the solo walk of shame back to her limo, carrying the gift for Lloyd that she probably should have thrown over the balcony.
Floyd stands her up, and now you can see why Chilli is a) so guarded b) so against trying to date him. That’s the bad news. The good news: More episodes, right?