This week Chilli goes on two bowling dates, a golf date, a kickboxing date, and an ice skating date. Turns out rejecting men is great cardio.
“She’s gonna be dating morning, noon and night,” Tionna Smalls promises at the beginning of this episode of What Chilli Wants. Is one half-hour show every Sunday going to be enough? Or will this constant plate of man meat she’s promising require some CSPAN-type 24 hour coverage?
Her life of upcoming dates: an Olympic athlete, an Iraq veteran, someone from Cosmopolitan‘s most eligible bachelor’s list, a model and a pro golfer. The last one sounds dubious.
Her first date must be an athlete, because Tionna sets up a kickboxing date. And he’s an attractive guy:
He is, apparently, also a giant. Chilli comes up to about his chest. Not that this is a bad thing:
He said a few smart things, says Chilli:
Smart as in sassy, not “intelligent.” And his sweat got on her, which, being a giant, really is inevitable, right? It’s like standing under a tree after a rainstorm.
But I agree with her. Sweat is basically just another type of human excrement.
After the kickboxing lesson they sit down for some drinks. And it turns out he has his own checklist to go by:
— happy with themselves
— trustworthy, character
Chilli prods him for more, but he says his list isn’t long, just hard. Her list is both. And she’s also not feeling him. He’s cute, but every time he talks he says something uncute. Like how he didn’t really keep up with female artists as much as the male ones. As they used to say on another dating show: Next.
Also, weird that Tionna basically sits in the parking lot outside for the entire date. This Tionna dating situation is like when you went to your first movie with friends, and you found out your mom secretly bought a ticket and sat three rows behind you…if your mom also got mad that you weren’t making out during the movie.
Tionna is realizing that she’ll need a different Chilli before she can bring in different men. So she’s doing all kinds of work on Chilli’s attitude. Like, taking her here to try new things:
“Vegas was your paradise, wig shops is mine,” Tionna says.
And, luckily, you can get cocktails in both paradises:
Chilli hates her new looks…
…while Tionna tries for “black Marilyn Monroe,” and is very pleased. It might be the cocktails talking though.
Chilli is barely tolerant of Tionna’s final wig choice for her. Is it a surprise that Chilli doesn’t like change? It’s not just her great skin and abs that have kept her looking the same age for the last ten years — she’s had the same hair too. “She needs to take one for the team,” Tionna says. Funny, but taking one for the team usually means helping someone else, not helping yourself. I mean, it’s not like Chilli’s trying to help Tionna find a boyfriend.
Here’s TJ, Chilli’s next date. He’s from Cosmo’s most eligible bachelor’s list, and he is, in Chilli’s words, “super fine.” He’s also a total baby face:
“That chest was really nice. But I didn’t see one damn hair. What the hell? Am I on a date with a kid?” Chilli interviews.
Maybe this is what Tionna means by trying new things? There could be some retirees on the itinerary for later this week.
Tionna is kind of the most intense date coach ever. Like, she creeps back early….
…then coaches TJ mid-date…
…which means date over for Chilli. It wasn’t his fault, but, then again, it’s hardly ever the date’s fault.
Next we get a summary of a week of Tionna’s setup. Here’s a quick rundown of the dates. Were this a romantic comedy, this would be the hilarious montage:
Some of the issues: too young, too fat, too unibrow-y, too atheist, too boring. I’m guessing the last one really goes for all of them, if these dates didn’t even warrant their own episodes.
She goes on a date with an Olympic athlete…
…but she leaves before the dinner even begins because he’s got a cognac and Red Bull on the table. Note: It’s the alcohol, not the Red Bull chaser (ew) that bothers Chilli. “If I ever get to know you, maybe I could tell you the problems you need to be working on too,” he says. Pretty rude! But pretty fair as well. Maybe he wasn’t the right guy, but that’s no reason to leave before appetizers.
Tionna says it’s time for a heart-to-heart with Chilli.
They start arguing over Chilli’s list, and things go south fast, then explode when Tionna explains that Chilli can find a man, and have him change the superficial things through her example. Tionna says she’s eating better because she looked at Chilli and thought, “Damn, this bitch’s older than me, and she’s still poppin.” Chilli does not take kindly to the word “bitch,” which she calls “New York lingo.” And you know how Tionna feels about her hometown.
And you know how Chilli feels about Chilli:
Chilli takes off after Tionna says she’ll never find someone. She gave this heart-to-heart about as much time as her last, cognac-drinking date. Not a good sign.