“Here” is a really miserable little place this week!
“The guitar is gone, the French accent is gone — which I think she was faking the whole time. I think we should pop some champagne,” Mario says at the beginning of Tough Love Couples.
Toasting the end of the French presence in the house with champagne seems ironic. But irony’s also something the French perfected that Mario probably doesn’t appreciate it.
Steve tells them that their exes are coming, and Larry calls it a “s***storm of hurt and misery.” What’s he got to be miserable about? Heather’s ex Mike is visual confirmation that she has a type, and Larry fits it perfectly.
In a side interview, Steve says Dennis gets the most improved player award. But Dennis also gets the best metaphor award on his “date” with ex-girlfriend Chanel. Because his metaphor goes like this: “In the past Chanel saw me as a kid in a candy store, trying to get a lot of licks on lollipops. Now she sees me as the owner of a candy store, with one favorite flavor, and that’s Simone.” So many questions here: If women are the candy in the candy store, does owning the store make you a pimp? Some sort of polygamist? Or is Simone the candy store? And if so, does Dennis “own” her? Did he just use this metaphor because he’s literally in a candy store?
Back at the house, Steve comes through with dates for Courtney and Dustin. Courtney’s date is cute, but Dustin’s is…
Game. Which always makes up for a lot, right?
All the partners and exes come back from their completely platonic dates except for Heather and Mike. They’re supposed to be wrapping things up, but Mike is instead trying to convince Heather to dump Larry. When they finally do return, she wants Larry and Mike to start talking. Which is just a great idea:
See, ironic and metaphor may be a problem, but sarcasm is easy.
This is how Dustin tries to make Courtney jealous:
But foot rubs mostly just feel icky: For the giver, the taker, and the observer. Which means: I feel icky.
Meanwhile Dennis says he’s pleased to see Simone getting along with his ex. Because in the limited space of happiness he shares with Simone, this is what she looks like when she’s in a good mood:
Steve decides to challenge Dennis further by bringing in his mom, who, if you remember Episode 1, objects to Dennis and Simone getting married. Part of the problem is that Dennis listens to his mom a little too much. A problem Steve probably can’t help him with, because coming between a man and his loving mother would be a little too ironic, right?
Everyone takes off, but Simone and Dennis’s night is only getting started. The fight must be really bad, because Dennis cries about it upon reflection.
In the other room, Heather wants to talk to Larry, who, wants to jam some tunes.
I would too, because hearing this is the alternative.
So here’s his real s***storm of misery.
When you have to say “I’m not even joking,” then it seems like you’re joking. Or like this is a joke.
At group night, Dustin says he wasn’t attracted to his date, though he pretended to be very well.
Steve says Dustin needs to learn to behave in a way that would make Courtney proud, even if they’re not dating. Not jealous, but “proud.” But come on, who ever thinks about making their exes proud? Steve maybe needs to learn to lower his expectations, because even the healthiest and most well-adjusted adult puts their ex’s pride above their jealousy.
But it’s Heather and Larry in the hot seat. Well, Heather in particular. When Steve asks if Larry should feel threatened, she’s all like yeah, and I think Steve swallows his tongue in surprise. It’s pretty hard to disarm Steve.
Wait, did I give out the metaphor award out too fast? Steve uses this one to describe Heather’s friendship with Mike: “You know what this is like? You’re treating it like it’s a f***ing mole growing on your face and it’s getting bigger. Your face is melting off because the cancer is eating your face alive. You got f***ing melanoma!”
F***ing melanoma, guys. He’s not even joking. And I’m not the only one confused by this metaphor:
Steve now does exactly what Larry made Heather do: Tell Mike she can’t talk to him anymore. Basically this is the best week of Pawel’s life. He doesn’t mind Danielle’s exes. He got to have a Fiesta party. Then Steve brings in another outside party to group night. Tough Love Couples is free room and board with in-house entertainment for him.
This week isn’t over yet though, it’s double hot seats night. Or rather, quadruple hot seats.
Steve tells Dennis that he must confront his mom, and it’s so bad, he gets a hug before he goes in.
And that’s where this episode hangs. I hope I never have a relationship with my mom so strained that going to talk to her is like reality show “Who shot J.R.?”