Finally: Two guys Chilli wants to date. Also, oh no: Two guys Chilli wants to date.
This episode of What Chilli Wants begins with Tron asking Chilli how old he needs to be to find a girlfriend. I say it’s not an age but a ranking that’s important. Tron can’t start dating before Chilli stops dating. See also: Taming of the Shrew. See also: Chilli’s surprise at this particular conversation. I pity any girl that Tron brings home to meet his mom, because I bet she’ll be as tough ten years from now.
Tionna sets up Chilli’s date with Bill, and we get some flashing back to the Brave games, where she confirmed that Bill wasn’t a “whorebag.” Note, however, that this doesn’t appear anywhere on the list, and may actually be inversely proportionate to her other requirements for six-pack abs, gorgeousness, and a “big thing-thing.” Guys don’t keep all that to themselves.
First Chilli and Bill bond over their love and respect of WWE wrestlers. Hey, this is Atlanta, talking about WWE is, I imagine, like talking to someone about the weather. “I love silly guys,” Chilli says about Bill. To us. Why the hell didn’t she say this to Tionna? A million dates and this is the first time we’ve seen this:
Had Tionna known that Chilli wants a “silly” man, maybe she would have set Chilli up with some comedians instead of models and athletes. Of course, Chilli didn’t put this on her list, so Tionna couldn’t know. So I’m just confused. Surely they could have discussed this before we were at the end of the show.
They’re at a comedy night where, as Chilli points out, 99 percent of the audience is black, while her date is 110 percent white.
Bill would probably already get picked on, but he’s also there with Chilli, so he’s a double target. Host Aries Spears tells Bill that Usher must have “f***ed it up for everybody.” Which is probably true: Chilli will never date a significantly younger R&B star with mother issues again.
Now Darren (AKA Farmer D) get his chance, by meeting up for Chilli’s handbag opening. A working first date! That’s a great idea, especially since he had Chilli work the tractor and pick vegetables during their last date.
And for those who guessed that Darren was bald under his farmer’s hat:
He’s definitely not! It’s a head of hair as lush as his soul patch. So there’s absolutely no explanation for that hat.
Justice takes Darren aside and asks him about everything from his age to his sense of humor, on a scale of 1-10.
Until Justice asks too many questions and Tionna’s sense of humor drops to sub-zero. Thing-thing and whorebag questions are her territory.
Just when you think Bill’s ahead, Chilli starts making eyes like this at Farmer D:
But there’s a problem: He’s spiritual-but-not-religious, which probably means neither, as it does for many of the other people who say this. She asks if he would convert to her religion, and he sort of chokes on his choker. “Normally that would be a deal breaker for me,” Chilli says, but she wants to be open-minded. This guy’s good enough to not be godly.
The next day Tionna and Chilli meet up for lunch, and Tionna says she’s set up overnight dates with both guys. This sounds all wrong: An “intimate” “overnight” trip to “get to know” each other. Tionna might as well call it a “sex weekend,” because that’s what it sounds like to me. And to Chilli:
Especially when she says that Chilli needs these trips to “make it pop.” You can sort of feel a fight coming on like you can feel a sneeze coming on. But also in the same way that you know it’ll feel so good once it happens.
I sooo wish I had kept an eye roll count this season. I think Chilli and Tionna would be in the triple digits by now.
So they start arguing over why Tionna didn’t bring Bill in earlier. “You’re the love expert, are you not?” Chilli asks. Questioning Tionna’s expertise is like questioning Chilli’s morals. It’s just asking for trouble. If you’re going to question anything, question Tionna’s manners:
Even though they talk it out (with Chilli doing that infuriating argument thing where she stays too calm and serene while Tionna’s angry — hate that!) Tionna still leaves because she has to calm down further. So that’s how this episode ends: With a whimper and a bang.