In VH1′s latest example of stunt casting, a set of conjoined twins are competing on Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. The bar never stops raising!
Let’s get this out there immediately. The first thing we loved about this week’s show?
- Chad’s raw emotion.
During his first double date, with Ericka and Emma, he noted, “When you get hurt, that s*** hurt.” Brilliant. This show should be renamed Ochocinco: The Ultimate Confucius because we clearly are dealing with a sage and observer unlike any we’ve ever seen.
The second thing we loved?
- Bracket discourse.
How many times did we hear someone explain some variation of, “If you go on the date, you have a 50/50 chance of going home”? At least 50, if not 50 more.
Even after an episode full of things like, “If we get a match-up date, one of us is going home,” Lisa still said that no one understood what was going on. I guess for some people, learning through repetition just isn’t an option. Makes sense that said people made their way to reality TV, specifically a dating show.
Jasmine’s comment on the bracket system (or, at least one of her comments on it…), revealed the potential problem with the fact that from each dual date one girl goes home: the odds of going home had her so worried that she straight up said she wasn’t excited about going on a date. When people on a dating show are scared to do the thing they’re supposedly there to do, it’s a problem…at least for those participating. Personally, I look forward to watching that absurdity play out.
- Bikini generosity.
So many of the girls cooed over Chad’s “gift” of white bathing suits…
Really, though, I’d say the presents were mostly for him:
And speaking of the jiggler above…
This girl is a trip. She told us, “I’m feeling confident in my bathing suit, and I feel that Chad is excited to see me in my bathing suit. And I got his attention for sure…in my bathing suit.” These girls may not learn through repetition but at least one is capable of poetry through it.
Also, football players seem to be her type (she was once engaged to one). Lisa compared her personality to a “dead fish,” but this woman bubbles to the surface as a matter of course. (Although I will admit that Lisa’s advice to Ericka’s dual date rival, Emma — “She has low self-esteem, you can tell. Just knock her down” — was hilarious.)
- The aforementioned date.
If you’re going to get crabs…
…you might as well do it in an idyllic location.
“Is this your nicest date you’ve ever been on?” Ochocinco asked his girls. No one said it, but clearly the answer was, “NO DUH.”
My favorite thing about this mostly emotionally static date? The soapy editing/zoom-ins that suggested tension brewing just below the surface:
Cue the organ!
- “As you know…”
As you know (if you’ve read this blog at any point in the past three years), I love when the centers of dating shows address their potential significant others’ (or whatever they are) by saying, “As you know…” and then supposedly repeat a detail about themselves. The best was Bret Michaels saying, “As you know, I love to rock…” but Ocho’s “As all of you know, I love to interact with my fans, back-and-forth…” is certainly a worthy successor.
And speaking of said fans, here’s how Tara (one of the attendees of the back-yard tailgate group date) described one Ochocinco devotee:
“A giant man body-painted from neck to butt crack.” She added, “I’m semi alarmed yet semi-amused.”
But it’s not all quips and quick wit, as we found out when she was grilled over what football teams she enjoys. “I like every team,” she said. And then a giant foam No. 1 hand fell out of her mouth because clearly she is a sports fan for the ages. She attempted to change the subject with this:
“How pretty is that door handle on the house? Did you notice the door handles? So pretty.” What a jock, you know? Such a meathead subject: door handles. Doorhandleball is sweeping the world, making inroads of popularity in every major nation (and quite a few minor ones) other than the U.S. It’s basically the new soccer. Tara is way advanced.
- Jasmine’s eating foibles.
First, she had a hard time fitting into her dress (it was a multi-girl operation)…
She chalked this up to hot dog consumption during the group date…
…and then, she devised a plan for said dress that was not without its own share of cholesterol:
You read that right.
And then, based on the advice of the ultimate s***-stirrer, Lisa, she showed Chad just how much she enjoys eating (this was meant to contrast the daintier ways of Angela, since according to Lisa, Chad likes an eater):
Is that bread really that hard to chew? Was it kneaded too long? Like, what?
Anyway, all this is to say that Jasmine is a weird one, all right. How could Chad possibly pass her up?
Oh, and the Jasmine/Angela dual date was the same one we watched last month via Ustream as it was filmed. Chad said he called upon the viewers to help him make his decision, but, uh, something tells me…
…they weren’t as helpful as he’d hoped.
- The outcome.
Luckily, he didn’t pass Jasmine up.
Angela was gorgeous and no doormat. She held her own in an argument with Lisa, although she didn’t exactly seem to understand the rules of reality TV (“Get in my face and you’ll leave this house real quick!” she yelled, even though these shows are all about getting in people’s faces — sometimes to the “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” extent of annoyance and immaturity). She was lovely and feisty, too (her reflective words after being eliminated were barbs directed at Chad: “I think I’m fully capable of getting someone that I really want. Just wasn’t there.”). But she just didn’t have Jasmine’s delightful weirdness or excitability. Really, when Ericka popped open a bottle of champagne and Jasmine took off in a flight of fancy…
…it was clear that Chad had made the right choice.
Less suspenseful was his letting go of Emma, of whom he’d said earlier in the episode, “Emma, she’s the pretty girl next door. I just think that door might be closed.” Look, shyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to, such as staying on a reality show for as many episodes as possible.
- The elimination ceremony.
The fact that a maximum of four girls are up for elimination each episode means that we don’t have an endless elimination segment full of repetition and iterations of, “I like this girl because…”. Instead, the repetition was dispersed throughout the episode, as explained above (look at me, adding to the repetition), as everyone explained the bracket-style elimination over and over and over to us. Still, that last act was mercifully brief. I’d say the bracket broke even, in the end.
Click below to download a large PDF of Ochocinco’s bracket so you can play along with the show at home…
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